Lansing Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 You have nothing to gain by contacting her again (via e-mail or otherwise). Please do NOT contact her again. Maybe you feel a need to do it to eliminate the "what if" but you will not gain from explaining yourself. She moved on 2 months ago but she just didn't know how to end it with you. It is a lost cause at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 My God man where is your dignity! That is a BAD, let me repeat BAAAAAAAAAD idea! Leave this woman be! You are NOT compatible! You do NOT owe her any further explanation! You sending her that email will only validate why she dumped you. She's gonna read it and think, 'what a wuss, who cares, has he no dignity'. Dude, you gotta learn when to walk away! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Please do not contact her again. Some are right you do need counseling to find out why you constantly seek emotionally unavailable women. She too needs to find out why she only goes for emotionally unavailable men. She wants a man who she has to beg for his attention because from her past it seems like that's what she's used to. I think you are lucky to be rid of her because she would end up treating you the way your ex wife did. You don't have to develop hobbies unless that it is something that you want not to be attractive to the next lady. If you don't love the hobbie it will be a lie. You just need to find someone you are compatible with. A woman who wants to share her life with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) Thank you. I really dont think she was an emotionally unavailable woman. I think I just wasn't the guy for her. So she never let our relationship develop. I have lived in my town here in central Texas for two years. I havent really met any friends here. No family within 4 hours. For the past 7 months I just worked during the week and hung out with my now ex girlfriend on the weekends giving her all my free time. So when I do meet a girl what does she she.. A lonely guy in a big house with no friends.. No hobbies.. Single dad with my 19 year old living at home. I need something to do that I enjoy that will give me an excuse to not be available every day.. Like on a Saturday I can say.. Hey Im going on a ride with the guys... Ill talk to you sunday.. Instead of just sitting by the phone like before with nothing better to do than rush over to her house.. I need to have a group of friends that she can be included in.. I need to live closer to my family so they can see that side of me.. My family is great. I need to build up a package that she gets to be included in.. A new group of friends.. A great family.. thats what my ex did for me.. Im going to miss the whole package and not just her. Edited May 5, 2014 by Kernal Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I really want to sit down and write her a long email explaining all this. And send it to her. Is that a mistake YES it's a MISTAKE. She doesn't care about all this ! Keep this for LS forum and your therapist. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself to a woman, let me remind you, that has FORCED herself to be with you for the past 3-4 MONTHS. I am sorry to remind you this but it just freakin blew my mind away!!! that someone would CONSCIOUSLY let someone else grow feeling FOR SO LONG while they know already it's not long term for them. I look back on everything she told you, all her criticizing of your character, comparing you to @holes millionaires she dated before and at the end stabbing you in the heart with unnecessary details of how much she had to force herself to be with you!! Wake up Kernal, that woman is a cold heartless B. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 "For the past 7 months I just worked during the week and hung out with my now ex girlfriend on the weekends giving her all my free time." Stop trying to change for some invisible woman. This IS your package deal! So a hardworking man is a bad thing nowadays? Do you know how many women would LOVE to have a man who worked hard during the week and had his weekends free to do whatever?! I don't care if your weekend consisted of you chilling on the couch if that's your thing then that's your thing and screw anybody else that doesn't like it! It's not like you refused to leave the house! You go out and are social! Many women would kill to find a hard working man who she could enjoy time with on the weekends! If you feel like YOU want some new hobbies for YOURSELF then by all means go ahead. But stop trying to change yourself for women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 To be honest this woman sounds a bit cruel. No wonder she goes for jerks. How dare her try to make you feel like a bad person for being available for her. Wake up, she wasn't "all that"! Happy Love is right so many women would love a man like you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Don't send the mail! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 I wont.. Im sure it wouldn't make a difference.. I can't make her love me.. I never could. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 So sorry about all this. As I said previously, I was in the same situation about a year ago. I am an extremely confident type A man; but, there was something about us together that changed that a bit. You were with the wrong woman, and that's it. Not a good match. Trust me, this isn't about you. It's mostly about HER. You could have been EVERYTHING she wanted and this still would have happened. Towards the end of my relationship I went to a relationship therapist. Did everything he said..... exerted my boundaries in a loving healthy way. GF and I had no arguments during that time either. Know what? She still dumped me. Like you I spent too much time with a woman that wasn't into me..... she just didn't have the balls to break-up sooner. Sometimes we just don't see the signs at the time because we are sooooo into the other person and figure with a little time things will get better. F#ck that!! Live and learn my friend, and next time you see behavior like that YOU do the dumping and move on without wasting your time. In the meantime, you need to man-up. She has made herself VERY clear. Now she doesn't deserve ANY attention from you. DO NOT call, email, or text her under ANY circumstance. If she reaches out to you IGNORE her!! You guys are no longer together, she has made her choice, now she lives with it. Trust me---if you reach out to her in ANY way you will look like a total wimp. As I said a few weeks ago, I saw this coming a mile away. If I didn't know better I would say we had dated the same woman. But, I have learned and will NEVER wind up in that position again. Neither should you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) Thank you. I don't know if I had mentioned it in an earlier post but I am retired military. She told me she expected me to be a different type of person when she met me.. More confident.. etc.. Because of my 24 year military background. She said at first I didn't act like that she thought it was just the new relationship jitters.. But she said I never changed.. She said I was nervous around her.. the opposite of nervous is confidence.. she never said confidence.. but thats what she wanted. But again.. She NEVER affirmed her feelings towards me .. Not once did I get a card.. Or a note.. or a text or email telling me anything she felt towards me.. She always chose her words so carefully. Edited May 5, 2014 by Kernal Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 You didn't get those affirmations because she really never had those feelings for you. She has been very clear with you and I don't see this as either you or her being the "problem". Simply not a good match. But.... it wasn't kind of her to string you along. She knew she didn't have those feelings longer than you probably care to know. It was unkind of her to hold on to you knowing she didn't have those feelings. Some of her "issues" are why she didn't let you go sooner. And you my friend..... as I have said, next time see the signs sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 you're always going to need to let time go to let a relationship develops. But yeah after 6 months with all those red flags it was time Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I think we all make the mistake you and I made at some point in our lives. Seems to be some kinda timing thing.... where we put up with ***** from women we would normally not. At least I think it was true of me. With a bit of time you will start to see things more objectively. When we are with someone we love we can't imagine a time where they wouldn't be in our lives. I guarantee sometime soon you will be thinking you can't imagine having her in your life. I have been with women that just couldn't get enough of me, and that's the way it's supposed to be. The ambivalence and dismissing you and I have been through is simply bull*****, and we are too good to deal with women like that. Anyway, good luck to you and stay strong. No more contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 I went to go get some lunch and was thinking.. What have a REALLY lost here.. I lost a woman who didn't love me and never did. She was more like a friend with benefits actually.. Whom I allowed into my heart yet she promised me nothing. She gave me nothing but her time, companionship and sex. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Exactly!! Now use your mind to "reframe" the time she spent with you. She was someone to hang with and f*ck, nothing more--nothing less. This reframing of the past has worked wonders for me. As time goes by it works even better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Well I like the idea of reframing. I think that might work at a later date but right now I just need to heal. Like I said.. it has helped me immensely to realize that this woman never loved me. So I really didn't loose her love.. I never had it to begin with.. What have a lost?? I guess I have lost her companionship. Thats got to be whats hurting right now.. Knowing I'm not going to see her again.. It's like she was killed or something. I doubt she is at work right now as upset as I am.. Why? because she moved on a couple months ago. If she is upset it's only from the guilt of hurting me. this is all about me.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Seems like your clingy and she wants her space. That don't mean that she wants to break up. Just that you seem to be blowing up her phone every day? If I'm stressed out at work I don't talk with people and just hit the gym. You shouldn't text everyday and only text meaningful information. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I think that might work at a later date but right now I just need to heal. I am a pro at healing, first you allow yourself to feel heartbroken, it sucks, it hurts, let yourself feel it for a couple of days, then go into selfish mode. Make everything about you. You always wanted that 62'' 3D Smart tv, go get it!. Do things you like, try things you've always wanted to try but didn't, spoil yourself to what ever your heart desires, go on a trip, visit your family, surround yourself with people that you know love you for who you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 No.. She broke up. She made that clear Seems like your clingy and she wants her space. That don't mean that she wants to break up. Just that you seem to be blowing up her phone every day? If I'm stressed out at work I don't talk with people and just hit the gym. You shouldn't text everyday and only text meaningful information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Im going to San Antonio this weekend for mothers day with my parents. I am a pro at healing, first you allow yourself to feel heartbroken, it sucks, it hurts, let yourself feel it for a couple of days, then go into selfish mode. Make everything about you. You always wanted that 62'' 3D Smart tv, go get it!. Do things you like, try things you've always wanted to try but didn't, spoil yourself to what ever your heart desires, go on a trip, visit your family, surround yourself with people that you know love you for who you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Im going to San Antonio this weekend for mothers day with my parents. In retrospect I see that her actions had spoken louder than her words.. her pulling away.. Choosing to only see me once in a while.. Her body language.. Everything. I am a pro at healing, first you allow yourself to feel heartbroken, it sucks, it hurts, let yourself feel it for a couple of days, then go into selfish mode. Make everything about you. You always wanted that 62'' 3D Smart tv, go get it!. Do things you like, try things you've always wanted to try but didn't, spoil yourself to what ever your heart desires, go on a trip, visit your family, surround yourself with people that you know love you for who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) Just a question.. Why on these boards when a person gets dumped the no contact rule is always recommended.. Let's say my gf calls me or texts me wanting me back... I'm supposed to not answer her call?? Do I think this will happen?? .. No.. But What situation do you fight for your relationship?? Edited May 6, 2014 by Kernal Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Interesting that you said "let's say my gf calls" . You are still thinking of her as your gf... The reality is you were so unsure of her feelings for you, she didn't give you any confirmation of her feelings or show them through her actions... now, you are considering taking her back (or hoping she still wants you)??? There are some big threads here and elsewhere about No Contact. Breaking up is like a drug... you want to keep your brain connected to the girl.. the only way to let yourself heal is to stop the addiction and break contact. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Just a question.. Why on these boards when a person gets dumped the no contact rule is always recommended.. Let's say my gf calls me or texts me wanting me back... I'm supposed to not answer her call?? Do I think this will happen?? .. No.. But What situation do you fight for your relationship?? What would you be fighting for exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
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