Megfischer Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Hello I am new to the forum, have read through some threads but non quite fit with what I am going through so here is my story. I am a 34 year old woman who has been with my spouse for 17 years. We had our first of three children very young and have managed to stay together. My quote to people who meet us is "we have been through everything you can think of together except cheating". Well now I can say we have been through everything because I recently found a secret email address. My husband is a big flirt and I have always been 100% accepting if this. I had nothing to worry about because I was secure in our relationship. Recently I noticed he has been going out with friends more after work and in the weekends. He still helps with the family stuff we have going on and I know he has been stressed at work so thought nothing of it at first. Then I was looking through our email account sent file for an email I had sent a few weeks ago and I found a picture of his anatomy that he had took and emailed to an account I did not recognize. I went to the account and tried gaining access and when I put in forgot password his phone number came up to send a password reset to. Shock set in for a few days and I decided to look through his phone. I do not keep a passcode on my phone and neither does he. I found that he had been having lunch with an old friend is his (female) and had not mentioned it to me. Again I was caught off guard because I felt there was no reason for him to keep this from me. He mentioned in a text thanking her for talking to him on a previous night. I didn't see any calls so I checked his email and FB. There was a chat between him from a night he was at his brother drinking. I had left earlier and he had stayed to keep his brother from driving to a bar. He sent her a message asking what she was doing like he wanted to meet up at 2am. Calling her cutie and her saying how much she cared for him and would always be there for him. Then the day they had lunch she posts in FB how great it was to meet up with an amazing man and how childhood love never dies. My confusion set in as I thought if he was going to cheat it would at least be with someone I didn't know. I knew then I had to get on the email he had set up. I finally found a time to send a text to his phone to reset the password. Logging in shaking, confused, nothing prepared me for what I read. His email was full of emails from over a few months time responses not from OW as I suspected but CL posting looking for casual sexual encounters with other men. The men vs women part doesn't matter to me..cheating is cheating. The emails talked about meeting up but non said he actually met anyone. One did say he had exchanged oral with a man one other time and had loved it. Now I don't know what to do. I don't have friends who are not mutual that I can talk to about this. I am confused and unsure how to move forward and confront him. I thought if emailing the secret email he has but am so unsure of what to say about it all. Advice??
Spark1111 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Wow, your H is really having some mid-life crisis and is enjoying chatting up, or more, both men and women, huh? he feels he has missed out on all that sexual experimentation he did not get have younger? But he is not telling you, and the keeping of secrets destroys trust. he is or will be cheating on you soon with both men and women. You are smart to lay low, act like everything is fine and start to document, print-out ALL his convos and emails and computer history and save it in a safe place. You may need it. Do not confront him until you have hard proof, and do whatever it takes to get it. Cheaters will lie, lie, lie, deny and gaslight you until you think you are going crazy. And they will then take their affairs further underground. Please get checked for STDs. Please make plans for your future. And please enjoy a free consult with the best divorce attorney in your town. You need to do that too.
RightThere Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I hate to be "that guy" but a lot of this story doesn't make sense. He's having encounters with an old flame (female) and they are talking like they are having an affair. But he's got a secret account for gay encounters, and you say he's mentioned he gave/got oral, but you haven't confronted him? How did he in passing say he gave/got oral from another guy and you haven't confronted anything? Or was that in the emails themselves.
Author Megfischer Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Hi - I did not confront him about anything yet. I went and got tested and everything checks out fine. I do not have hard proof that he actual gave/received oral. He mentioned it in one if the emails when asked if he had ever hooked up with anyone before. I did not think off printing/ documenting his activities so I will work on that before he realizes his password does not work anymore and resets it. Once I have all that do I just ask him out right? I guess there would be no denying it if I have the print outs right? This is so hard especially when I was so blind to it all.
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Well, what about his lunch date? Are they still in touch? can you get, or read texts? I do not mean to be negative, nor alarming, but having learned the hard way through my H's affair with a co-worker, where there is smoke, there is fire. And when you do choose to confront, it is better to have all the proof you need to make an informed decision before confronting a wayward spouse. They can explain away anything when cornered. In a mental fog fueled by limerance hormones, they never thought they'd get caught. search cell phone records, bank statements and the calendar. Do reverse phone look-ups on reoccurring phone numbers. Are they co-workers? Or, as in my case, a co-worker he was having an affair with. Some also advocate VARs in the car, key logger and cell phone spyware. PIs will tell you that 85% of the time they are hired to find out if a spouse is cheating, the do! In other words, trust your gut. When confronted, he made it sound like his affair was a few months. It was 18 months, and I had the records to prove it. he also had her disguised as a man, so I, too, thought at first, he was having a relationship with a man. I was astonished! And then found out it was indeed a woman. All that subterfuge must have really heightened the illicit ness of it all. Look, knowledge is power! Even if the knowledge hurts, do everything in your power to ascertain WTH is going on in your marriage, your life, before you have to decide anything. And you deserve to make an informed choice about your future. We all do. look, I would never judge what someone may want to do sexually, as long as it is with the full consent and support of their spouse. It is that these actions, choices, are being KEPT secret from you that is the huge, red waving flag.
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