FallingSlowly Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Hopefully, just the act of writing this out will help. Although it is all so convoluted at this point, it's difficult to know where to start. I am thinking of leaving my partner. There are things about us that are wonderful- he is my best friend, we like to do a lot of the same things, and when things are good, we fit like puzzle pieces. And then some parts have been so rocky, and dark; both of us hurting the other person... we've tried to heal, but I wonder sometimes if it's really possible to heal those wounds, or if we're both just clinging to what we were/what we thought we would be because we're afraid of being apart. While we both made mistakes, mine were really the tipping point-- I had a primarily online affair with someone, and I genuinely fell for them. My partner is all the things I want in a person, but this affair had everything I want to feel with a person, and how I want someone to feel towards me-- passion, love. At anyrate, it was discovered, I ended it, and my partner and I began the difficult work of trying to rebuild trust and repair the hurt. We made some progress, but after 8 months or so, things got bad again-- our dynamic felt cold, and empty, sometimes mean. My partner was clearly checked out the relationship, and actually said he wasn't invested in it/didn't consider us to really be a couple with a future and that he didn't know when or if he would feel differently. He stopped saying I love you, we stopped any physical interactions, he said some very hurtful things about what he thought of me (though perhaps deserved) and it was a very lonely way to live. I started to make plans to leave. And, probably because I'm a coward who can't move on independently, and also because I still have mixed feelings, these plans involved the person I had the affair with. Then, just as I was about to break up with my partner and try to build a new life, my partner did a 180 degree turn. We had yet another conversation where I expressed how unhappy I was, and how I believed the relationship had become toxic to both of us, and I think he could tell I was serious. The next day he was warmer to me, more loving and giving, and I started to see and remember what was good between us, and the future I had hoped and dreamed about. Now I feel conflicted about leaving, although if he knew the whole truth (that I had been in contact with the other person again), it would be over regardless. Some crazy part of me thinks maybe I could just cast all of that aside and start fresh with him, but I know it has to be wrong to build on lies. I also know how hurt and alone he would be if I leave (we're one of those inseparable couples, which can be lovely but also a bit co-dependent, and he doesn't have any close friends in the town we live in). Mostly, I feel like I am in the same pattern, the same loop, over and over. Things get rough, we almost break up, neither of us can really do it, we get back together, things are good for a bit, things get bad again, and I end up talking to this other man again, and everyone is in this unhappy limbo. I am not proud of any of this, I feel like these experiences have brought out the worst in me, inflicted hurt that I wish I could take back, and made me see I'm not the person I thought I was. And I feel scared and confused and don't know what to do. It isn't the way I thought things would be.
JourneyLady Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 As one who has been in a similar scenario (except my ex-h left me for the new person HE got involved with) I would say that the marriage builders stuff offers you the most hope. I tried divorce busting myself, but it didn't work and it takes so long that results are not that great. (It works on the person using it to feel better, but not necessarily the relationship.) There's a list of "needs" everyone wants and expects from a relationship. Some people leave when these are not met. Some people cheat when these are not met. Some of us (rare) stay honest about how we are getting those needs met if the partner won't. Marriage builders helps define what those needs are and has a plan for a couple to make decisions in a way that keeps them from hurting each other or causing resentment; since resentment is what kills most relationships. Anyway, that's my take on it. I wish I had known about MB before. I might still be married...
Chi townD Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Look, you're cheating on your guy. You had an emotional affair and now you're contemplating leaving again for this other dude. But you seen your man do a 180 and is the kind of man that you love. Now, your confused. The one thing a got out of your post was a lot of me,me,me..... well, what about him? Did he deserve to be cheated on? Does he deserve to walk around on eggshells around you in fear that he might get you mad and have you run off with this other guy? If you want your current partner, what are YOU doing to help fix and repair the damage that has been done. Because, he didn't do this alone. You had a huge hand in this mess too!
Author FallingSlowly Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) I agree. I think I came to this forum precisely because it helps to hear an outsider's tough perspective-- I know how messed up and self-interested my actions are, and yet I keep on in this pattern. I don't even like going to my friends for advice because it's embarassing. I generally expect both of them to just give up on me/loathe me entirely. Even in an anonymous forum, I feel like I've left out details of just how messed up it all is. Sometimes I just want a reset button, where I wasn't quite such a lame human being. Edited March 31, 2014 by FallingSlowly
Recommended Posts