Mickey1982 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I've only told my very best friend about exMM. She's been my confidant from start to finish and has put up with my continual need to analyze just about every piece of my realtionship with him. Last night, when feeling particularly down and really missing my exMM, she said to me "in the past, you've always gotten over break-ups by finding a new BF. I think you need to start another affair!" I'm single---not looking for another affair---EVER... But, it got me thinking and curious if there is anyone out there who ever considered another affair in the hope that it would help them regain their sanity??????
spookysonata Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 do you mean an actual affair with another mm, or another relationship? if it's the former, NO! Don't do that. if it's the latter....i would get some therapy first and be ok with you for awhile. there is nothing wrong with being single. 3
sweet_pea Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) Knowing the pain that you are experiencing now, after the affair, why would you put yourself in that position again? That is the opposite of sanity. Honestly, you don't need to get into any kind of relationship (especially not an affair)! You need to focus on YOU, your healing and getting to a good place before ever thinking about another romantic interest. Edited March 31, 2014 by sweet_pea Typo 3
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Knowing the pain that you are experiencing now, after the affair, why would you put yourself in that position again? That is the opposite of sanity. Honestly, you don't need to get into any kind of relationship (especially not an affair)! You need to focus on YOU, your healing and getting to a good place before ever thinking about another romantic interest. Oh I agree---She meant another AFFAIR!!!! YIKES! 1
RickFox Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I did, consider it once upon a time, but it was short lived. I'm not a woman, and even now there is a married woman who wants to sleep with me and NO WAY do I want to go through any of that crap again. I did fall in love with xmw, that's over, my wife and I are recovering and that's where it remains. It will not bring normalcy, just more difficulty 3
RightThere Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 But, it got me thinking and curious if there is anyone out there who ever considered another affair in the hope that it would help them regain their sanity?????? I think that is an awesome idea. Don't bother dealing with the underlying issue. Just go and attempt to deceive another married couple in the hopes that their marriage can be ruined as well. Best of luck. 6
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I wonder where your friend learned that it is okay to use people to soothe yourself? There are people who look to others to make their life "complete", whatever that means. Or look to others to "fix" what is missing. Healing, is an inside job. One that requires delving deep into ourselves. To name what part of us is/was hurt, and find a way to give that to ourselves. Along the way, we find our faulty wiring and how that wiring came to be. We investigate new ideas, new approaches, new coping skills, new ways to soothe and practice what we have learned....until it becomes a part of the new us. Focusing on the relationship that we have with ourselves is the best use of the finite emotional/mental energy that we have. Selfishness in this circumstance is necessary and required to come out the other side....not only intact....but an improved, confident, stronger version of the old ME. 1
waterwoman Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Why? I mean why an affair ? From what you have posted about the pain you are in it would be crazy. What was she thinking?
inappfriendly Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I've been "solicited" by a couple attached men since my A ended. I must have some weird bad karmic attraction or something. Honestly, as bad as I was feeling, I did give it a split second thought but thankfully came to my senses very quickly! One of them was an old xBF from college. Randomly, I saw a psychic last fall in a moment of pure heartache-induced insanity and she told me a person from my past would help me get through this healing process. Again, as tempting as the distraction sounded, I knew all too well what a hot sordid mess it would become. No thank you! Keeping the walls around my heart (and my pants...tee hee) UP! 2
Sub Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I'm curious to know what kind of advice your best friend was giving you during the A that she would recommend doing it again. 1
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Sub---she was supportive thru my affair ONLY beacuse she saw how happy I was. Probably the happiest I have ever been in my life! Nevertheless, she is not married nor has she ever been in an affair---both situations which may have had her giving me an alternate opinion if her status was different. I could NEVER imagine going through the sheer agaony following the break-up of my affair again---I would not wish this on anyone. 1
Sub Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Sub---she was supportive thru my affair ONLY beacuse she saw how happy I was. Probably the happiest I have ever been in my life! Nevertheless, she is not married nor has she ever been in an affair---both situations which may have had her giving me an alternate opinion if her status was different. I can understand this. People want their friends happy. My WW had a confidante during her A as well. She said the same thing about her, that she supported her because she thought she was happy. I can't dispute this. I would say however, that there's an element of drama involved, separate from the "happiness", that people who are on the periphery enjoy. Like watching a good movie. They love the secrecy and the intrigue. It just may not be the healthiest thing for their friend. And to recommend getting back into it....not sure what the rationale would be.
C00kie Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Mickey, I think your friend meant that you should find a new guy, not a new MM. Lol that would be insane! I don't think we should force ourselves into other relationships, or "use" someone to get over a break up, but meeting people, going out with them, may help us feel less caught up in the whole affair insanity and realise that there are other possibilities out there. 1
Popsicle Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 No way but I know a single lady who did deliberately. That is rare though.
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Looks like we all agree....NEVER EVER AGAIN! Kind of makes you wonder how anyone could ever be a serial cheater as well? 1
Hope Shimmers Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I would rather jump off a cliff than go through that again. 6
tornado Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Oh no, not an other affair again, never!!! Maybe you should date men for fun, and play with them, be a "bitch" with them and dump them. It could make you feel better. I'm more in a "no men at all" mood at the moment... I'm concentrating on my well-being. I don't want to be disturbed by a man.
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Oh no, not an other affair again, never!!! Maybe you should date men for fun, and play with them, be a "bitch" with them and dump them. It could make you feel better. I'm more in a "no men at all" mood at the moment... I'm concentrating on my well-being. I don't want to be disturbed by a man. I'm really liking your idea, Tornado!! 1
Poppy's sister Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I think tornado and mickey were talking tongue in cheek. When my Ap was being particularly hot /cold I did flirt with idea. I missed the attention I suppose I even went out for dinner with one guy but all I could think was he wasn't him ifykwim. If my affair ends not in the way we plan no idea would never do it again. If we end up together, no need ever ever again as I don't want anyone else. Mickey I think that you may find yourself comparing any potential dates to exmm right now. Hope you are ok though and getting stronger 2
BeingMe Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 One of my STBXH's OW has been an AP to more than just one MM. From what I know of her,she seems nice enough, but she seems to be searching for something to fill a gap inside her: always travelling, looking for the next thrill, needing a lot of external validation. Unfortunately,being part of an affair seems to fill a lot of that gap and that seems more important to her than the destruction she leaves in her wake. It clearly doesn't work as a long term solution for her. Personally, I've found that counselling is the harder route, but the one that seems to help with that gap inside of us, rather than trying to fill it with things that don't work/last or things that hurt ourselves and others.
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