Monogamy

[SerCay]

I love monogamy but I get that others don't, I wouldn't classify a person as ''unhealthy or not fulfilling societies wishes'', I would just say it's a different choice.

 

Maybe one of the problems of why monogamy isn't so much working nowadays (working as in life-long) is the fact that with the current way we live, I believe we should choose a partner to settle with for life, at an older age (maybe after 30).

 

Back then it was quite normal to marry early and stay married forever but back then people needed each other. In our independed society of today, coupling is merely a choice, to enrich our already so rich life. Therefore, in order for us to choose the right partner, we need to be mature ourselves, and really know what we want.

 

Otherwise, people land in situations like these: one of the 2 turns out gay after 10 years and leaves, or discovers that they want something else in life, discover they want to travel instead of being a parent etc etc etc...

 

All of this can be avoided if people had the courage to first live life and get to know themselves, and THEN settle for life (of course I dont mean you cannot have any exclusive relationships, just not settle/marry/assume you will be together forever). I admit it's scary and I have only come to this conclusion after so many failed relationships at only 26 years of age.

 

And then after this all, I think it's also important to be with a partner that has the same view on life, similar goals etc...

 

My story is a bit incoherent lol, but I hope you get what I mean

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm a bit confused about all these people talking about how people who don't practice monogamy try and force it on others? I would never do such a thing!! All I would ever do is challenge why you believe what you believe.

 

For those of you who stick by monogamy, just how much relationship experience do you have? How much of your life involves actively changing and growing, and finding out who you truly are? When was the last time you actually challenged yourself and what you believe?

 

I ask these questions because when I was 18 I believed in the traditional monogamous ideas of relationships. I then traveled the world for about 5 years and this really opened my eyes, and most importantly I did a lot of soul searching and learned a lot about myself. I realized that a lot of those beliefs I had weren't my own (sure we could get in to a philosophical argument that no one has their own beliefs but I digress) and that I was following someone else's made up idea of happiness. Why the hell should I follow the rules, follow the social constructs? If I had gone on this journey I don't know If I ever would have found out more about who I was.

 

You talk about being honest, but isn't it more important to first be honest with yourself?

 

Absolutely, we should question everything. I traveled the world, backpacking as a young man, went to college, joined the military, read every tome and scroll and book I could get my hand on. I devoured Sun Tzu, Balzac, and Kant. I visited temples, art museums, archeology sites, climbed mountains and lived in monasteries for short spurts of time. I am a seeker of knowledge and wisdom. I devote my life to it, and there was a time when I thought I wanted to be carefree and single for the rest of my days, but as I became more aware of the way our lives are intertwined, fleeting, I realized that the most profound thought I will ever have is the one where I was the mirror for another's life and she was the mirror for mine. We share it all, the good, the sad, the joyful, the mundane, and the bad. We mirror each other's lives, we are the emotional record of each other's time here on Earth. This isn't for everyone and I would never presume to tell another person how to live their time here. However, just because some of us choose traditional doesn't mean we don't reflect and examine our lives and belief systems.

Best,

Grumps

[Cunning_Linguist]

Thank you for all the responses. Given me a lot to think about. Will respond when I have time.

 

Grumps, that was beautiful.

[RedRobin]

I realized that the most profound thought I will ever have is the one where I was the mirror for another's life and she was the mirror for mine. We share it all, the good, the sad, the joyful, the mundane, and the bad. We mirror each other's lives, we are the emotional record of each other's time here on Earth.

 

 

You've summed up why I'm so envious of my parents sometimes... they have this...

 

 

Alas... both people need to believe in this in order for it to work. That is rare to find.

[Cunning_Linguist]

A pet peeve of mine is when people try to talk about social constructs dismissively, not realizing that EVERYTHING in human societies is socially constructed and very little is "pure" and natural just arising from nature. There isn't one thing that escapes it. Human beings are social creatures who in order to be who we are need a society and societies are not amorphous things that come down from the sky in any "natural" way, but have to be negotiated, formed, constructed and we have to make rules. No one can escape it...people are on a spectrum but most people, unless they genuinely were raised by wolves outside of the language structure and socialization of what it is to be human, like the case of feral children, from birth until death, regardless of various levels of rebellion will subscribe to some form of construct. Some are more apparent than others but nevertheless the whole world is a construct...so surprise!

 

I agree 100. One could argue that even those who deviate from social constructs are following a particular construct. Just as one could argue that we have no free will. I am just curious about how other people feel about the subject. I don't think my way is any better or worse than anyone else. I was raised by wolves and robots so I struggle to follow a lot of it. ^__^

 

However, it seems people only care to discuss constructs in terms of marriage or breaking particular kinds of self-interested rules. I haven't seen people care that much about other socially constructed things as much as when people wanna argue about monogamy, infidelity and marriage and seek to raise them up as the social constructs par excellence, when they are no more constructed than any other human construct that we live in and through in our daily lives. Even time, which some view as natural, is constructed and ordered by watches, clocks and calendars and no one seems to care to argue about it...

 

I feel like this is because there are certain constructs that we can't really control and still live with other humans...while there are some we can challenge. Monogamy is one of those we can challenge. Time is not. Although I do stare at my watch willing it go slower every once in a while. I think it takes of .0008 seconds sometimes. Even when I try and think about the whole idea of time it hurts my brain. I hear you though, you see people complaining "marriage, why oh why!?!?!" when they blindly follow Orwellian schemes like pharmaceuticals, the media etc etc etc

 

I hear you Cunning about questioning your beliefs and why you believe them. One of my FAVORITE quotes to live by is "The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates. I truly believe that it's useless to live a life where you never think deeply or question things and much of my life, education, travels etc have also caused me to realize that many things we see as given are highly mediated and mutable and come from our own small worlds, yet it doesn't mean that because such is the case it is a fraud or not important and valuable. It seems the problem is the assumption that a construct is destructive and bad necessarily when it doesn't have to be. It's also kind of this overzealous thing you see with converts where upon their excitement of discovering a particular thing for themselves want to forcefully push it on others or make assumptions about others instead of engaging in dialogue. I think the problem here is that your question and posts seem to assume that you're the ONLY person in the world who has ever thought about monogamy, their culture, their life etc and examined it and it is clearly because others have not done so why they believe in monogamy. This is arrogant and not true. It is is possible to do all of that and still find that monogamy sits well with you...which is okay...and it becomes problematic when you paint people who still choose monogamy as being "less enlightened" in a sense based on one particular notion you have of what that means.

 

I never said I see monogamy as any better or worse than other relationship values. In fact I think it's an awesome idea but I really struggle to in my personal life to make it work. Hence my curiosity about other perspectives. I hope I didn't come off as arrogant because I have never thought my values to be better than anyone elses. I don't even think the words better or worse can apply to beliefs. I'm not Jehovahs Witness lol, I challenge others about what they believe out of pure curiosity.

 

It's like religion. I cannot respect people who disparage religion. I am myself not religious, but religion, like any other human institution has its flaws, but also serves positive functions for people and I can see and respect another's choice to embrace it. Many educated people who have examined the world and have traveled are religious or some even become religious after their minds have been opened in particular ways, so it's terribly bigoted and arrogant when people act like it's clear that if you had any sense you'd not be religious or monogamous or whatever the case might be. Variety is the spice of life and its very possible that monogamy (and even religion) are enlightened choices people make...and being able to see that side of the equation would show that your mind is broad, but not being able to see that side shows where you are still being too narrow and constrictive in your views on other people and their practices.

 

I agree.

[Cunning_Linguist]

A lot of this ties in to some of the ideas in Milan Kundera's book "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." A lot of the ideas in there resonated with me. The main character (who I associate with being Milan) questions why God would tie sex and love together. He laments his aggressive sex drive interfering with his love for his woman. I can already hear many feminists thinking "Oh goodness here goes another rationalization for being a player" but deep down he thinks that sexual promiscuity and loving someone are not mutually exclusive. His intense curiousity is the main motive behind his sexcapedes, even though he truly loves his ol' lady. He could not love her as well as he does (and she feels that she cannot be loved as well by another) without his wanderings. Ugh.

 

All in all I am still very...confused, I guess....about all this. Will I find someone I can consider being monogamous with? Or will I forever be a rolling stone like Tomas? Doomed to slay as much punani as I can to satisfy an irresistible urge to experience life? I really don't want to just settle to be comfortable or satisfy a particular social construct. I meet plenty of amazing women and love them but I always end up rolling on. I see people who seem very happy exclusively together, but is that a result of their ignorance, or perhaps enlightenment? Meow.

[tbf]

A lot of this ties in to some of the ideas in Milan Kundera's book "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." A lot of the ideas in there resonated with me. The main character (who I associate with being Milan) questions why God would tie sex and love together. He laments his aggressive sex drive interfering with his love for his woman. I can already hear many feminists thinking "Oh goodness here goes another rationalization for being a player" but deep down he thinks that sexual promiscuity and loving someone are not mutually exclusive. His intense curiousity is the main motive behind his sexcapedes, even though he truly loves his ol' lady. He could not love her as well as he does (and she feels that she cannot be loved as well by another) without his wanderings. Ugh.

 

All in all I am still very...confused, I guess....about all this. Will I find someone I can consider being monogamous with? Or will I forever be a rolling stone like Tomas? Doomed to slay as much punani as I can to satisfy an irresistible urge to experience life? I really don't want to just settle to be comfortable or satisfy a particular social construct. I meet plenty of amazing women and love them but I always end up rolling on. I see people who seem very happy exclusively together, but is that a result of their ignorance, or perhaps enlightenment? Meow.

Why the dramatic one or the other? There are plenty of serial monogamists or people who enjoy the swinging lifestyle. People's relationship styles fall on a spectrum, they're not dichotomous. There's no this or that necessary. You may find yourself monogamous for awhile, then change your mind and want open. Or go celibate for awhile. As long as you're honest with a partner(s), let live.

[Cunning_Linguist]

Why the dramatic one or the other? There are plenty of serial monogamists or people who enjoy the swinging lifestyle. People's relationship styles fall on a spectrum, they're not dichotomous. There's no this or that necessary. You may find yourself monogamous for awhile, then change your mind and want open. Or go celibate for awhile. As long as you're honest with a partner(s), let live.

 

Duuuuude. Mind. Blown.

[xxoo]

Have you never met a non-monogamous couple?

[dichotomy]

It is strange how we have as society been learning to embrace the sexual variations of the human soul over the last decades - from free love to homosexuality - but now we seem to be attacking (even shaming) the other side from monogamy to virgins to celibacy... as "unnatural" ....(shutters) ...remember how THAT phrase was used against others?

 

I have had gay friends and even heard them slam (a long time ago) bisexuals as "fence sitters" who are really are just gay...

 

and yes sexuality over a life time can change for some... many a gay man has tired a woman.

 

But I digress

 

All are forms of sexual orientation

 

I can say that for 98% of my life I naturally have had a very strong sex drive but sought out monogamy and sex within loving LTR's - it was not a choice, or a relgious upbringing, or society - it is who I am - i have needed it....I was born this way. Cue Lady Gaga song....

 

But if your going to argue that this is rare or not working in marriage - maintaining sexual passion and joy in long term monogamy - I wont argue with you. But I might shift to "who and what is happiness" in life and the long run.

[2.50 a gallon]

For most of my life I have been a pussy hound, with two exceptions, when I was engaged and later when I was married for 6 months. I very much liked being married and had no withdrawal pains after I said I do.

 

I was deeply hurt when the marriage failed, and in order to keep my sanity quickly returned to the dating world with a vengeance. I no longer trusted love and women. Over the next 15 years I easily dated another 100 women.

 

I had what I considered to be a great life. Living alone I answered to nobody, and had a great sex life. A woman was somebody to have fun and sex with, nothing more. They were not to be trusted.

 

Second date, first kiss, and I fell in love. When I went home that night I realized how lonely I was.

 

That was the last woman that I have ever kissed. It has been over 18 years now. And am much happier than when I had multiple FWB's.

 

I now realize that I had been a monogamist most of my life, searching for that one I could share my life with.

[man_in_the_box]

I think non-monogamy is highly glorified in modern media. Might play a role in it's allure.

[central]

Have you never met a non-monogamous couple?

 

If you meant "ever", I've met hundreds. And probably hundreds more where they keep it hidden!

[KathyM]

I prefer monogamy because I consider sex to be something very intimate on both a physical and emotional level. Giving of oneself on such an intimate level is not something I would want with strangers or virtual strangers. It would cheapen it. Devalue it. I like the feeling that sex is shared only with the person I am committed to and bonded with I don't believe living on sexual impulse is a healthy thing. Living on impulse is a very childish, immature thing, and erodes the ability to make a strong and healthy emotional bond with someone. For those who want to cater to their impulses and live a life of meaningless encounters, that is their perogative. It is certainly not something I would find emotionally fulfilling.