Still not over this email I got from husband's 'ex'

[veritas lux mea]

I am always amazed how BSs always think that someone telling them this is a nutjob. i was having a close affair with someone for six years and got so sick of the limbo, I told his BS. She thinks I am nuts too. i saw him every day and probably more than he saw her. I told her to her face and she still did not believe it. WHy the hell do you think there are so many nuts out there? Really???? By the way I am still seeing him, so I guess I am a nutjob lol:bunny:

 

Well, in this case her email were nutty and in one day. Whether she was telling the truth or not, this woman was a nutjob.

[veritas lux mea]

well it is pretty nuts to carry on with someone else's finance cherishtruelove. It's also trashy and slutty but clearly we are different people with different morals. Hope it works out for you.

 

Polygraphs are not always accurate.

 

I did a lot of reading about polies since learnig so many people support them. Apparently they are far more accurate today when done by a skilled tech. And very few people can beat them. It is innocent people getting falsly accused by them that happens a lot. Plus people talk about the parking lot confession. I think it was offered to you because even after all this time you seem to be struggling with this. Which means it is eating you up Inside and that is no way to live. Is it perhaps the pregnancy hormones causing the upset now?

[KaliLove]

I am always amazed how BSs always think that someone telling them this is a nutjob. i was having a close affair with someone for six years and got so sick of the limbo, I told his BS. She thinks I am nuts too. i saw him every day and probably more than he saw her. I told her to her face and she still did not believe it. WHy the hell do you think there are so many nuts out there? Really???? By the way I am still seeing him, so I guess I am a nutjob lol:bunny:

 

I can't speak for all BS's but I think that in a lot of cases we just don't want to believe that the person we trusted enough to commit our lives to could be capable of cheating.

 

At least you know the guy you're seeing is a liar and a cheater. You know what you're getting yourself into. BS's are kept completely in the dark about who the person they married really is..until they're not. Who would you believe? Someone you know, love, and trust (even if they don't deserve it), or some random person who approaches you out of nowhere and tells you they're sleeping with your husband?

 

And in this case the OW (if she is an OW) actually is crazy.

[molly78]

It could be hormones. i don't know...this situation has upset me ever since it happened, but lately when i think about it really gets to me. I'm angry that I was brought into this. If i found out that this chick was contacting my husband trying to get into his pants again it wouldn't shock me, i know how women can be. This girl does not/did not give a sh*t about my feelings, I truly believe it was her intention to hurt me and make me doubt him. I think she must feel like I took her away from him since they dated right before I started dating him.

 

Also i'm not sure husband would go for the polygraph. I know you will all say, oh but if he loved you he'd do it to prove himself to you. On his end he thinks it's ridiculous that I don't believe him and i believe someone's emails over his word.

[molly78]

"I can't speak for all BS's but I think that in a lot of cases we just don't want to believe that the person we trusted enough to commit our lives to could be capable of cheating.

 

At least you know the guy you're seeing is a liar and a cheater. You know what you're getting yourself into. BS's are kept completely in the dark about who the person they married really is..until they're not. Who would you believe? Someone you know, love, and trust (even if they don't deserve it), or some random person who approaches you out of nowhere and tells you they're sleeping with your husband?"

 

I also agree with this. I think in any situation it is difficulty for the BS to believe what the OW is telling her because she obviously wants to believe her marriage is a good one. However, i didnt simply rule out what this OW said to me. I wanted details, I analyzed everything, i mean everything. I wish i was more naive and could have just said, i believe my husband, but no it wasnt' quite like that at first.

 

My cousin cheated on his wife about 6 years ago and got caught. Well a few weeks ago it came to a head that he was cheating again because the OW called his wife and told her what was going on and that it had been going on for a year. Since he'd done this before his wife told him about the call and he admitted it.

[veritas lux mea]

Also i'm not sure husband would go for the polygraph. I know you will all say, oh but if he loved you he'd do it to prove himself to you. On his end he thinks it's ridiculous that I don't believe him and i believe someone's emails over his word.

 

don't like the sound of this. He should realize it looks very bad. I know being falsly accuse isn't fun and maybe he feels you have beat it to death but still. If my H believed something not true about me I would love an oppurtunity to prove it 100% and not just say "you should trust me".

[2sunny]

It could be hormones. i don't know...this situation has upset me ever since it happened, but lately when i think about it really gets to me. I'm angry that I was brought into this. If i found out that this chick was contacting my husband trying to get into his pants again it wouldn't shock me, i know how women can be. This girl does not/did not give a sh*t about my feelings, I truly believe it was her intention to hurt me and make me doubt him. I think she must feel like I took her away from him since they dated right before I started dating him.

 

Also i'm not sure husband would go for the polygraph. I know you will all say, oh but if he loved you he'd do it to prove himself to you. On his end he thinks it's ridiculous that I don't believe him and i believe someone's emails over his word.

 

You keep blocking solutions. You keep defending him.

 

Just get a poly! Anyone who is innocent has no problem with it!

 

Personally - I think you defending him is at the heart of tha issue. He had a receipt, right? In HER neighborhood THAt day she presented is at issue!

 

It looks like he could have been there the one night he knew you'd be busy.

 

Don't rule out the possibilities - you can get confirmation on what's real or not by having him take the test.

 

Making assumptions and excuses for him may be why this continues to bother you.

 

IF he cheated - what's your plan - to stay?

[VeronicaRoss]

 

No i havent had anyone else tell me they think he's cheating. Anyone i told this story to (family, friends) said they cant imagine him doing that. It's an awful thing to worry about.

 

I'm sorry for mis-reading that. I'm so glad though that others can't imagine him doing that. That's a great sign!

 

The more you explain, the worse she sounds.

 

Don't let her insanity get to you or undermine the way you treat him, then her craziness wins. You have too much on the line.

[nais]

Let that craziness die! she wanted to pour salt- it didn't work. If he is cheating you will most likely find out with out being told by the Local Beacon Brawd- If he is cheating then you know what- it isn't your issue until it is discovered and don't go looking, you can ruin this relationship harking on the issues of deranged, crazy insane in the membrane exs!

[BrokenPrincess]

Does it seem normal to you that he'd "go for a drive" after working all night??

 

I think the poly is a great idea. Your hormones are only going to intensify, just get it resolved so you can put your mind at ease once & for all.

[molly78]

No im not defnding him. Im the ome whos here writing about this scenario a year later. Sunny thank u for your opinion, you clearly think hes guilty, i get it, but please stop telling me how i should think and feel.

[Bootsie]

I think if he didn't cheat then he would understand that you've been told that he did cheat, that this has seriously unsettled you and would therefore be willing to do whatever it takes, including a polygraph to reassure you. Simply saying "trust me" isn't really adequate in the circumstances.

 

 

You are not some paranoid person who has accused him "out of the blue". You've actually had someone approach you and give you a somewhat believable story. Furthermore there happens to be a receipt showing that he was nearby on the morning in question, when realistically he seemed to have no valid reason for being there. Also he was in a relationship of some sort with her immediately before you and didn't even tell you, which again looks deceptive.

 

 

Can you go into investigative mode and see what hours he worked that day/week and how much he was paid. Was he on sick or other leave even if he was paid for the hours?

 

 

I guess from all this you can gather that I think it's fairly likely he cheated, but I don't know for sure.

 

 

By the way I'm sadly in that position myself. I once found evidence that my H was somewhere where he shouldn't have been at a time when he shouldn't have been there. It was a speeding fine for a particular date, time and place. He managed to give me a reason to explain why he was there. I now know this is called "gaslighting".

 

 

I trusted him and it was another 11 years before I discovered he'd been cheating on me, over a more than 10 year period. This was many years ago and we are now reconciled, but I really wish now there had been a way of me finding out earlier than I did.

[molly78]

He has shown me his paystubs and record that he was at work. I could leave it at that and let it go...clearly i havent. I just dont understand what set this woman off to email. Could be they had something going on or maybe she simply saw our wedding website online and flipped out. Clearly she wasnt over him...even tho she says she moved on which makes oh so much sense.

 

Im not sure where youre all from but where im from asking someone to do a polygraph is not normal in these circumstances. Im suprised by how many times its been mnetioned here.. My husband and i have been talking about this for a year. He says he wants to move forward and doesnt know why i keep brining it up. I am not going to get anymore info. i came to this board to get input on what people thought of this situation and i got my responses.

[Bootsie]

...He says he wants to move forward and doesnt know why i keep brining it up. ...

 

 

To my mind an innocent person would understand why you are so concerned and would be very interested in reassuring you rather than just wanting you to stop talking about it. He should understand "why" you keep bringing it up, even if he didn't cheat.

 

 

However none of us here know whether or not he cheated.

 

 

Polygraphs are not readily available where I am either, but apparently they are common in the USA.

[rumbleseat]

Unfortunately, there are some women who will create a relationship where none exists, or turn a one night stand into a relationship.There are others that enjoy nothing more than trying to be hurtful. They simply can't stand to see anyone else happy when they are so miserable themselves.

 

She planted the seed of doubt in your mind, which is just what she wanted. It's time to put that to bed.

 

If you are able to, is there any way that you could hire a PI, not so much because you think your now H cheated, but more to buttress your belief that he hasn't?

[anna121]

...and the receipt from a place near where she lives is what really kills me. I only know where she lives because he told me where she lives...but when i looked at the receipt and saw that it was her city i was complete b*lls*t. He says he had finished his shift at work, knew i wouldn't be home (i was out at a flower appointment for our wedding) so he went for a drive to get some food. We have gone over and over this. ....

 

I'm only partway through the thread, but this brought me up short.

 

No, he really, really didn't.

 

Guys don't go for drives to strange MacDonalds just for the heck of it.

 

That's just....an insultingly weak excuse.

[SoleMate]

The most plausible explanation is that he did work that night, then drove to meet her at the McDonald's near her house. (My bf use to work nights and the LAST thing he'd do at the end of his shift would be to drive 25 mi out of his way to eat at.....McDonald's. He was more like a heat-seeking missile targeted at home.) She saw his clothing then and described it to you. (If they actually had sex, an individual of her type would not have hesitated to provide detail as to how many times they did X and Y, any tender words he used, etc.) It's possible that he even did go to her house and lie down on her bed to talk, hence her account would be literally true albeit intentionally misleading.

 

They probably didn't have sex (?), but she wanted to talk to him. She is extremely jealous of you, very eager to break the two of you up, and gloating/cackling in a really gross way. And your fiance sees her (saw her) and lied to you about it. He is having trouble breaking free and isn't willing to be honest with you. The honesty may include revealing that he talked to her, saw her in person, visited her house, necked, kissed, maybe even went all the way. Overall, I'm sure he's being dishonest, but probably not unfaithful.

[veritas lux mea]

If he has showed you he was at work that night and yet you still obsess over a crazy person you need to let it go before it destroys you and your marriage. If he did cheat before the vows or even just talked to her and never does this again would yoi be happy? Yes it is nice when people own it but at this point he isn't going to IF anything did happen. I would think he would be a better liar and have told you he met her at mcdonalds to tell her to stop bothering him. You could ask him if that is what happened. If he sticks to his first story that is good. If he jumps at a chance to change his tune it means he is capable of lying to "protect" you.

 

But i'd still just let it go. You are obsessig over a crazy person and trying to figure out how a crazy person thinks is going to drive you crazy.

[whichwayisup]

He has shown me his paystubs and record that he was at work. I could leave it at that and let it go...clearly i havent. I just dont understand what set this woman off to email. Could be they had something going on or maybe she simply saw our wedding website online and flipped out. Clearly she wasnt over him...even tho she says she moved on which makes oh so much sense.

 

Im not sure where youre all from but where im from asking someone to do a polygraph is not normal in these circumstances. Im suprised by how many times its been mnetioned here.. My husband and i have been talking about this for a year. He says he wants to move forward and doesnt know why i keep brining it up. I am not going to get anymore info. i came to this board to get input on what people thought of this situation and i got my responses.

 

It's been 2 years, right?

 

You need to make a decision once and for all, then stick to it. Either move past this and focus on the NOW and your life together or leave him. Staying in this stand still and doing nothing, having mistrust for 2 years is not helping you at all.