Still not over this email I got from husband's 'ex'

[molly78]

A year ago i received an email from a girl id never heard of telling me that my fiance cheated on me with her. It was right before our wedding, 7 weeks before. The email said things like, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but i'd want to know if my fiancee was cheating on me. He'll try to tell you this is a lie, but he spent the night with his ex girlfriend, they have a connection that keeps drawing them together. Naturally i went right to my fiance and asked him about it. He was confused at first, it came from an email alias of Jen, then I mentioned the name referred to in an email and he angrily said, i know who this is. It was a girl he had dated before me and he ended things with her and she went nuts. He did not ever tell me about her though. I'd never heard of this person until I got an email from her. He said they dated a short time and there was no reason to have told me and figured it would not go over well if he told me that she would not leave him alone. since i got these emails from her he sent me emails that she had sent him shortly after he ended it with her (right around the time he and i started dating) she just could not let him go. He said they dated 3 months and he did not think of it as a serious relations. Some of the emails he had sent her said things like he was sorry for ending things but he did not see their relationship going past where it was at, he hopes she'll find something she can have a family with someday etc.

 

Two days after these emails i went through his receipts and found a receipt that he'd been to a mcdonalds in the morning near where she lives. He has denied all along that he did anything and this is her way of getting back at him. I feel like the emails from her have created a dark cloud over our relationship. Her emails really contained no smoking guns that he did anything. They were basically like, yeah he was in my bed last Friday night, he cheated on you, we still have a connection, then in another email the day he was there had changed. I basically told her to F off (i believed my fiancee and felt she was trying to ruin us) and she wrote back getting angry and emotional about how he had treated her at the end of their 'relationship'. I have never heard of anyone doing such a thing to someone else. I never heard from her again. Here is one of the emails she sent me, the second one:

 

Crazy bitch…haha…Girl you are the fool…Mike was in my bed this past Friday so I dont think he thinks I’m too crazy..He was wearing 7 jeans..maroon T, plaid shirt with a hoody over it and brown shoe boots…Truth is always bitter and pain is always more..What you do with this info is your choice..Jeff will say everything and anything…..Im not going to be little myself with name calling..When Mike broke up with me it was not handle in mature manner.He just stop calling and all communication after a yr..Who does that??Until this day I have no idea why we broke up..When I asked him Sat morning his response was he was an “idiot”..Believe me I have since move on..but its a hurt you dot forget when you dont see it coming…Maybe if there was a dicussion I wouldnt have lost my ****….He cheated on you bottom line You can call me every name in the book..file a police report..what ever makes you feel better..Bottom line he was in my bed friday night..Plz dont contact me again….

 

My fiancee was obviously rattled that this person emailed me whether he did anything inappropriate or not. I remember him getting on the phone and calling friends and being like, do you remember so and so, well she called Molly and told her I'm cheating on her, this is crazy. He told me at one point he was going to get a restraining order against her because she kept contacting him, showed up at his work, his house. His roomate texted me to tell me that this person did show up at their house once and would not leave and he almost called the police.

 

It's just so bizarre as I've NEVER heard him mention her-he's talked to me about other past relationships. he said he didnt talk about this to me because she never mattered. Or maybe he didnt want to talk about it because it was right before me? clearly he mattered to her...so much that she tracked me down to either tell me truth or lies about him. I just cant stop wondering about this. I've looked back at our relationship, there are no signs that he was cheating, but i wasnt looking for any either. He doesnt seem like the type of guy who would be dating two women. He swears things were done with her before he and i got together. I never heard from her again. I just got emails from her that one day. I've never experienced anything like that. I have thoughts of what if he was carrying on an affair...especially after reading posts on this board, it just seems so common..

[2sunny]

Did you marry him anyway?

[molly78]

Yes sunny I did. I could not see calling off our wedding based on emails i received from someone I didnt know (over the span of a day) especially when my fiance who i know and love told me he's innocent. I think the last time I wrote on this board, I was a little upset that EVERYONE seemed to think he had cheated. I may have made a mistake by coming here again...guess i'll wait for responses.

[VeronicaRoss]

What a horrible situation.

 

Obviously none of us know what really happened between them. Including you.

 

There are definitely people who will write letters like that out of spite and to cause harm, with no truth in them. The fact she says she is sleeping with him and thinks she's being upstanding by telling you about it makes her really suspect.

 

On the other hand I had an ex try to start an affair with me, told me I'm his soulmate, etc. I never told his wife about it because he is so manipulative. He is very capable of convincing her I'm crazy in order to make anything I say look suspicious. Like your guy convinced you.

 

So I'd say you don't know. But what you should do is think about how he treats other people. Does he lie to others and justify it? If it does and you think you're a special snowflake and he won't do that to you, you've got a problem. If not this situation, he will eventually treat you the way he treats others. You can bank on that.

 

The other thing is other people think he cheated -- who? If they are his friends saying that to you and it's more than one, you should listen.

[molly78]

Yeah i just cannot rationalize the situation and it makes me crazy. I think that was this person's intention. I do look at how my husband treats other and how he treats me, he's very loyal. He's close with his family, he treats my family well...but that doesn't mean he isn't capable of cheating i suppose.

 

'The other thing is other people think he cheated -- who? If they are his friends saying that to you and it's more than one, you should listen.'

 

No i havent had anyone else tell me they think he's cheating. Anyone i told this story to (family, friends) said they cant imagine him doing that. It's an awful thing to worry about. For a while i did not think about it...but since it happened a year ago i seem to be recalling it more now. I was actually annoyed enough that he had a relationship like this right before me and didnt tell me about it. That kind of felt like cheating...there are things i havent told him of my past of course...but my past hasnt come creeping out of the woodwork to him either. I wish I had not been brought into whatever her issue with him was. I dont believe that she was looking out for me. I actaully went through some of his old emails and there was one from her saying, so this girl you're with now has the same last name as so and so...i hate to be mean, but you're a good looking guy and i'd expect you to be with someone better looking. This was an email she had sent him in 2012. So clearly she looked me up somewhere and saw pictures of me. I'm guessing facebook. She had emailed me at an old work email address that no one uses but if you google my name plus the company name, the email is listed on an old press release. It's just insane to me.

 

I can recall break ups that i've had where i went on facebook and looked up a former flames new love and i felt upset. I could NEVER imagine email this new woman, no matter how deep my relationship seemed at the time, how hurt or jealous i still felt. It's just not in me to do that. My husband said he had to be pretty mean to this girl in the end when she was showing up at his work, i guess she made a scene.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds more like this girl is obsessed with him and has some serious mental health issues going on.

 

You can choose to dig into the past and find out or let it go, but make it very clear to your husband that if he cheats on you, there's an immediate divorce.

[RightThere]

Seems a little odd. The nights she says he stayed with her, was he away from your home? Even if he wasn't with her, how would she know the nights he doesn't stay with you.

 

On the other side, unusual that she would describe what he was wearing when she slept with him, but not anything private. She described the clothes he was wearing if she saw him at the supermarket. But if she really wanted to make you think, I'm sure she would have remembered the colour underwear he had.

[molly78]

He works nights and he just so happened to be working on the night that she is referring to. He has said how could I leave work and drive up to where she lives? Yeah i'm not sure why she went to such lengths to describe his outfit. If he really did go to her house i would think they'd have texted prior to that (my husband is a texter). Why not send me those texts? In another email she sent me to she actually said, i still have texts from him, but she never sent them to me. She seemed really mean spirited in her email. I'm also not sure why at the end of her email she told me i can file a police report if it'll make me feel better. on what grounds would i have to go to the police to say, hi i received an email from someone saying my fiance cheated on me with her and i'd like to press charges. It was just another odd thing for her to say and makes me wonder if she's had other file reports against her.

[stillafool]

At first she said she was over him and then she says he was in my bed Friday night. She sounds like a nut. Whatever the case your husband loves you because you are the one he married. I believe what your husband says is true. If you have not heard from her since maybe she has finally moved on from this and so should you.

[veritas lux mea]

She sounds like a stalker. If so she could have very easily known what he was wearing that day.

 

If he treats you well and you are happy with him try to let it go. Just look up news stories. Crazy people are all over the place.

 

Even if it were true... He obviously wants nothing to do with her. As to him not telling you about her that is a normal thing. I had an ex boyfriend who randomly skipped past girlfriends. It just was relationships he would rather forget and wasn't a dweller.

[molly78]

There are some coincidences to the story like him not being home that night (she may know he works nights and that was easy for her to pick a night), her describing an outfit like what he often wears (but she dated him and knows how he dresses) and the receipt from a place near where she lives is what really kills me. I only know where she lives because he told me where she lives...but when i looked at the receipt and saw that it was her city i was complete b*lls*t. He says he had finished his shift at work, knew i wouldn't be home (i was out at a flower appointment for our wedding) so he went for a drive to get some food. We have gone over and over this. It seems weird to me that he would cheat on me with an ex 7 weeks before our wedding...but i wonder if maybe he had some other contact with her over email and this set her off.

 

I think if her emails had seemed more rational i'd be more likely to believe her. She just came off as unhinged.

[veritas lux mea]

There are some coincidences to the story like him not being home that night (she may know he works nights and that was easy for her to pick a night), her describing an outfit like what he often wears (but she dated him and knows how he dresses) and the receipt from a place near where she lives is what really kills me. I only know where she lives because he told me where she lives...but when i looked at the receipt and saw that it was her city i was complete b*lls*t. He says he had finished his shift at work, knew i wouldn't be home (i was out at a flower appointment for our wedding) so he went for a drive to get some food. We have gone over and over this. It seems weird to me that he would cheat on me with an ex 7 weeks before our wedding...but i wonder if maybe he had some other contact with her over email and this set her off.

 

I think if her emails had seemed more rational i'd be more likely to believe her. She just came off as unhinged.

 

 

Is the receipt from the same night?

[molly78]

It was from 8:30am that morning. So it could have been him going to get food after he finished work...or it could have been him leaving her place.

[veritas lux mea]

How far out of the way from work? And what time does he get off work? And does he usually "just drive around"?

[molly78]

It can vary when he gets off work. Today he was home at 7:45am. This place was about 25 min away so it could make sense. I asked him why he went all the way there after work and he said it's because he knew i was going to be home and he felt no rush to come home. i was out at a flower appt for our wedding flowers.

[pteromom]

This girl does sound coo-coo, but if you can't get the doubt out of your head, just do a little recon a few random nights/mornings he is supposed to be at work. See if his car is at her place. Or enlist a friend to help you.

 

Honestly, it could go either way. She could be just crazy and trying to break you up, or she could be crazy in love with your husband and he's a very good liar.

[veritas lux mea]

It can vary when he gets off work. Today he was home at 7:45am. This place was about 25 min away so it could make sense. I asked him why he went all the way there after work and he said it's because he knew i was going to be home and he felt no rush to come home. i was out at a flower appt for our wedding flowers.

 

I can see why people said it was fishy. This could be the case of the wrong place at the wrong time. So knowing him what do you believe is more true?

 

He went for a drive, grabbed some Mcdees and she maybe saw him, wasn't over him and decided to get him back for dumping her by contacting you.

 

Or

 

He spent the night with her because of lingering feelings, regretted it and left her never to look back. She was pissed and decided you should know in order to get back at him?

[2sunny]

You either believe him - it you don't.

 

If you believe him - move forward and let it go.

 

If you don't believe him - schedule a polygraph test for him to take. That should reveal what is true and what isn't true.

[molly78]

I'm no longer concerned that is now cheating with this person. It really goes back to when I received the email...i wonder if something happened around that time. I just don't know what would set someone off like that.

[2sunny]

I'm no longer concerned that is now cheating with this person. It really goes back to when I received the email...i wonder if something happened around that time. I just don't know what would set someone off like that.

 

Find out then = polygraph.

[veritas lux mea]

I'm no longer concerned that is now cheating with this person. It really goes back to when I received the email...i wonder if something happened around that time. I just don't know what would set someone off like that.

 

That can be both ways too. She either was a clingy stalker with issues or a scorned lover out to get revenge. Her wording doesn't strike me as someone who genuiny cares about you.

 

How is your relationship now?

[molly78]

'Find out then = polygraph.'

 

*sigh*

 

Our relationship is going well now minus my insecurities about this. We just bought a house, got a new puppy and i'm 7 months pregnant. We almost broke up over these emails though when they happened.

[2sunny]

'Find out then = polygraph.'

 

*sigh*

 

Our relationship is going well now minus my insecurities about this. We just bought a house, got a new puppy and i'm 7 months pregnant. We almost broke up over these emails though when they happened.

 

Then work on your own feelings.

 

You seem to wonder - I can't understand why you wouldn't take the action necessary to obtain what is true... But since you won't - get counseling to help yourself.

[KaliLove]

What does your gut tell you? Do YOU think he cheated?

[molly78]

well it is pretty nuts to carry on with someone else's finance cherishtruelove. It's also trashy and slutty but clearly we are different people with different morals. Hope it works out for you.

 

Polygraphs are not always accurate.