When the shoe is on the other foot.

[veritas lux mea]

I think in the case of what is more important to someone gender stereo types are really pointless. Regardless of gender emotional or physical might be different or even the same amount of awfulness. And I have learned in life many people claim to feel one way just because that is what they are told to feel. I have seen and experiences enough exceptions to the stereo type to know there really shouldn't be a stereotype. Besides it just makes people feel bad if they don't feel the same.

 

You are a woman so you are more forgiving of a PA than ILY's. You are a man so you should care more about Intercourse.

 

Feel the way you do because it is the way you feel not because of gender stereotypes and those neat little boxes we just love to put people in even web they don't fit.

 

I care about this because being a woman who had an affair that was about sex I have had people actually try to convince me because I am woman it must have been more about the emotional.

[fellini]

This is why I said shoe on the other foot. If the AP (male) thinks he is a much better lover, all the more reason to be jealous.

 

As a BS, one of the first things I remember going through was thinking, if she is so desperate to step out and have sex with a fellow colleague, HE must be a better lover, or why take such a risk? So if as a BS, Im thinking that, and Im still not able to handle her being with another man, imagine how as a man I must feel I think as an AP Im her better lover. Why would she still be with her husband? Perhaps you are right, he decided to believe that with him around, my WS has no reason to continue to have sexual relations. But as a man, doesn't this have to break down if the PA has been going on for over a month and she is still living and spending every night with her H?

 

BTW, I asked specifically this question to my WS. She insists that she never said anything ever about our marriage. The only reason she gave him as to why she was doing the unthinkable of having an affair with him was that he had helped her feel good after two years of "depression".

 

JThompskins seems to have been removed permanently from LS for some reason, so I won't respond to his theory that all AP's are sh-theads. I don't know, but I think if I ask an AP if he thinks he is a sh-thead he will probably, more than likely, say no. It's not helpful to claim that the only reason an AP can handle that the OW is still in the matrimonial home is because he is a pig.

 

I think the real point is that only a Male AP can answer me that, and there are few or none in LS. There are plenty of Female WS's, and have a perspective, but not entirely the same issue, from my POV.

 

 

I think even if they know the WW is still sleeping with their BH, they rationalize that it can't be all that good. Otherwise, why would the WW be having sex with them. So, even though the WW is sleeping with someone else for whatever reasons - maybe just to keep up appearances - the OM can rest easy that he's "better" than the BH in that regard. Not saying this is reality, but it's probably how most justify it.

[veritas lux mea]

Well my xMM thought I was really sexualy active with my H and I never Set him straight. I did ask him why he was jealous of other men lookig at me but not my H. And he said it was different.

 

I think it is an open relationship idea. He, the xMM, knew by default I was sleeping with my H. So he couldn't really care or he'd get no sex. And as it was nsa sex caring would go against that. Except he did care if I slept with another other man so there were "rules".

 

People can go back for more sex not because it is better but because they are greedy. Or horny little toads.

[fellini]

You have made some interesting points. In my case, my WS chose a Single man. I have come to believe she HAD no choice because for her he was a trade up exit affair (in her mind at least) and he had to be available. She is a very jealous woman and would not have stood for an AP who was in a relationship, especially with a married one, although I discovered she once was the single OW to a MM in her past. (She claims that has no bearing on her current issues with me, but that's another story altogether)

 

Unlike many here, it doesn't help me to paint the AP as scum and use that to explain why I think he was able to do her knowing I probably was at the same time. My gut tells me he was actually trying to steal my wife for himself, after passing through a hard divorce 3 years earlier in which his own S was having an affair and left him for her AP. He probably figured he was entitled. Whatever. But no question he wanted her to leave me for him. So maybe he was prepared to swallow his pride will doing the work necessary. Unless I ask him, I'm not likely to get the answer, and even then, probably not the truth.

 

For this reason my curiosity here in LS looking for some ideas.

 

 

Well my xMM thought I was really sexualy active with my H and I never Set him straight. I did ask him why he was jealous of other men lookig at me but not my H. And he said it was different.

 

I think it is an open relationship idea. He, the xMM, knew by default I was sleeping with my H. So he couldn't really care or he'd get no sex. And as it was nsa sex caring would go against that. Except he did care if I slept with another other man so there were "rules".

 

People can go back for more sex not because it is better but because they are greedy. Or horny little toads.

[Sub]

This is why I said shoe on the other foot. If the AP (male) thinks he is a much better lover, all the more reason to be jealous.

Just a feeling, but I think this is rare. I think a good number of OM (mostly single) get off on being the guilty pleasure and sticking it to a BH who "isn't giving his W what she needs." (There have been guys on this board like that.) The WW chose to stray and be with them, or they were able to seduce the WW into it, so what's there to be jealous of physically?

 

I can see the OM being jealous of other things - having a house, a family with the W - but not as much from a physical standpoint. Maybe it's due to my personal situation, as I know the OM was a cocky SOB who was "looking to f*** from time to time."

 

As a BS, one of the first things I remember going through was thinking, if she is so desperate to step out and have sex with a fellow colleague, HE must be a better lover, or why take such a risk?

Yeah, I felt this, too. And he was probably "bigger" than me. Drove me a little nuts. Until I realized it's not the most rational comparison, even if things were picture perfect for us at home.

[SD1000]

I think even if they know the WW is still sleeping with their BH, they rationalize that it can't be all that good. Otherwise, why would the WW be having sex with them. So, even though the WW is sleeping with someone else for whatever reasons - maybe just to keep up appearances - the OM can rest easy that he's "better" than the BH in that regard. Not saying this is reality, but it's probably how most justify it.

 

 

 

This is exactly what I was thinking and going to write before I saw this post. The OM has a lot of confidence that the sex with him must be better than with her husband. The husband, conversely, will naturally assume the opposite, which will haunt him.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well my xMM thought I was really sexualy active with my H and I never Set him straight. I did ask him why he was jealous of other men lookig at me but not my H. And he said it was different.

 

I think it is an open relationship idea. He, the xMM, knew by default I was sleeping with my H. So he couldn't really care or he'd get no sex. And as it was nsa sex caring would go against that. Except he did care if I slept with another other man so there were "rules".

 

People can go back for more sex not because it is better but because they are greedy. Or horny little toads.

 

This is interesting because this is exactly how my xmom was. He wasn't concerned or didn't seem to be jealous of of my husband however he was very upset and jealous if other men paid attention to me. Very odd.

[burnside.rose]

Im talking about an affair that has a strong EA/PA component. Not just some guy looking for a place to leave his mark.

 

^

 

My STBXW’s OM was NOT okay with it. In an effort to appease him, she lied to him & told him we were not having sex.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I'll go back to my prior post.

 

Engaging in a sexual relationship with a married woman is cheap and easy. And that's it. Analyzing this further gives everyone involved too much credit.

 

You can't be seen openly dating a married woman, so you can't really go many places together. It has to be private. So it's literally cheap (the guy doesn't pend money on her or the relationship).

 

You primarily have a sexual relationship, so the man doesn't have to deal with the heavy lifting of maintaining the relationship the other 23 hours of the day.

 

That's really the basic appeal to the single man in a sexual relationship with a married woman. Sometimes emotions develop, sure, and that changes things. But why would a single man do it? It's cheap. It's easy. It's fun.

 

Looking much beyond that is not important.

[fellini]

I can see that if the man is married especially, because he needs to cover up his expenditures too.

 

But in my particular case money was not an issue. Both my WS and her AP are full tenured professors. They connected at work and simply moved it into his side business studio apartment. And being single, he eventually got her into his primary residence as well. He would have, and she would have, loved to do the proper dating scene but they couldn't because it's a small city and they would bump into a half dozen students/faculty any place they chose to visit.

 

But they did those dates simply going out with their small group on social faculty functions. So I might agree on what you say about a guy who has to hide or has fewer resources, or has a wife who might see his accounts, but it doesnt fit my case for those reasons.

 

I'll go back to my prior post.

 

Engaging in a sexual relationship with a married woman is cheap and easy. And that's it. Analyzing this further gives everyone involved too much credit.

 

You can't be seen openly dating a married woman, so you can't really go many places together. It has to be private. So it's literally cheap (the guy doesn't pend money on her or the relationship).

 

You primarily have a sexual relationship, so the man doesn't have to deal with the heavy lifting of maintaining the relationship the other 23 hours of the day.

 

That's really the basic appeal to the single man in a sexual relationship with a married woman. Sometimes emotions develop, sure, and that changes things. But why would a single man do it? It's cheap. It's easy. It's fun.

 

Looking much beyond that is not important.

[Man Mountain Makino]

So I might agree on what you say about a guy who has to hide or has fewer resources, or has a wife who might see his accounts, but it doesnt fit my case for those reasons.

Oh yes. I am just speaking as a general principle, that's all. It won't cover all cases, but it will cover more cases than not.

[compulsivedancer]

I can see that if the man is married especially, because he needs to cover up his expenditures too.

 

But in my particular case money was not an issue. Both my WS and her AP are full tenured professors. They connected at work and simply moved it into his side business studio apartment. And being single, he eventually got her into his primary residence as well. He would have, and she would have, loved to do the proper dating scene but they couldn't because it's a small city and they would bump into a half dozen students/faculty any place they chose to visit.

 

But they did those dates simply going out with their small group on social faculty functions. So I might agree on what you say about a guy who has to hide or has fewer resources, or has a wife who might see his accounts, but it doesnt fit my case for those reasons.

It's definitely possible that he wanted her long-term. If that is the case, she probably minimized her relationship with you, and may have sh]t-talked it. He probably WAS jealous but accepted that he had to deal with that until he could convince her to leave you for him. He would have known that it came with the territory of being with a MW (unless she told him you weren't sexually active).

[road]

^

 

my stbxw’s om was not okay with it. In an effort to appease him, she lied to him & told him we were not having sex.

 

 

 

ROTFALMAO, the WW lied to her true love, the OM.

[compulsivedancer]

ROTFALMAO, the WW lied to her true love, the OM.

 

Classy.....