fellini Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 We read a lot in LS about the differences between a BH and BW in terms of the inability of men to get past the PA aspects. Most of it is about imagining what the AP is doing, what the BS is doing etc. So, and maybe only a WMS can answer this: how come these same emotions do not dominate the AP (male) knowing that his OW/WAP is sleeping and having sex with her H parallel to him? i.e. a BS is traumatized thinking about his WS having sex with her AP but the AP isn't? One of the things I cannot fathom, as a BS, is that my WS's AP, a single man, had no problem having full blown sex with a woman who for all intents and purposes, was still having sexual relations with her H.
Woggle Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Because men who sleep with married women know what the situation is. They couldn't care less who she sleeps with. 5
Arieswoman Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 fellini, I'm not a psychologist, so I'm no expert of explaining why people think or feel as they do. This is from my own experience as a BS and knowing some girls who were both BS's and OW. The WS tells the AP that his/her marriage is dead and that he/she is no longer having sex with the marital partner. This is a crock but the OW/OM believes this. A girl I knew waited 12 years for her MM to leave his wife and he told her this garbage. When he asked her to meet him for a meal to celebrate his wife's pregnancy, she realised she's been "had" and dumped him. 2
Author fellini Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Because men who sleep with married women know what the situation is. They couldn't care less who she sleeps with. Im talking about an affair that has a strong EA/PA component. Not just some guy looking for a place to leave his mark.
Woggle Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Im talking about an affair that has a strong EA/PA component. Not just some guy looking for a place to leave his mark. Most men who sleep with married women don't go looking for love. The ones that do I can't say what they are thinking because the idea of looking for love with somebody already cheating on their spouse is foreign to my thought process. 6
Author fellini Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 fellini, I'm not a psychologist, so I'm no expert of explaining why people think or feel as they do. This is from my own experience as a BS and knowing some girls who were both BS's and OW. The WS tells the AP that his/her marriage is dead and that he/she is no longer having sex with the marital partner. This is a crock but the OW/OM believes this. A girl I knew waited 12 years for her MM to leave his wife and he told her this garbage. When he asked her to meet him for a meal to celebrate his wife's pregnancy, she realised she's been "had" and dumped him. Yes I have heard that this happens. In my case there was no claiming the marriage was dead, and supposedly nothing was said about current sleeping/sex conditions. Her AP fell in love with her real hard (and he was a single man 3 years out of a divorce, so he wasn't living in some kind of bubble like her). Im referring to how male (BS's) here are pretty clear about how the hardest thing to get over are the "mind movies" and thinking about the P aspects. Surely the AP, if male is thinking the same thing? And if not? Why not? Maybe I need to ask this question in OW/OM forum.
italianjob Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 We read a lot in LS about the differences between a BH and BW in terms of the inability of men to get past the PA aspects. Most of it is about imagining what the AP is doing, what the BS is doing etc. So, and maybe only a WMS can answer this: how come these same emotions do not dominate the AP (male) knowing that his OW/WAP is sleeping and having sex with her H parallel to him? i.e. a BS is traumatized thinking about his WS having sex with her AP but the AP isn't? One of the things I cannot fathom, as a BS, is that my WS's AP, a single man, had no problem having full blown sex with a woman who for all intents and purposes, was still having sexual relations with her H. If the AP is actually in love/infatuated with the WS, after awhile he'll start being jealous and he'll ask the WS about sex with her H. The WS usually try to minimize, stating that she seldom, if ever, has marital sex, and if she does she really doesn't like it and has to painfully fake her way through it. Sometimes they actually try to really avoid marital sex. In these cases the AP actually behaves more or less like the BS, except for the fact that he is aware of what's going on, more or less. Anyway, not all affairs are about love/infatuation for both partners, some of them are about sex, at least for one of the two parties. If the male AP is there for the sex, he won't give a **** about what the WS does when he's not with him, and he may even get a kick out of the fact that he is humiliating the H by ****ing his W anytime he wants to. He will feel he's the Alpha guy. If that's the case and the WS is actually in love with this guy he may even try to scar the marriage further by asking the W to perform sexual act she doesn't normally do with her H. 4
dichotomy Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) Perhaps slight difference in view between taking something (single OM) and losing something (BH) that makes it easier to be OM or OW. There is that competition/stealing vibe going on that drives it. Also and i know this is sick....One thing though that I never understood anyone being ok with in these situations- the ick factor - particularly for a man.... I never understood how OM could deal with MW AP who was still regularly active with her husband. I mean...well putting your mouth where BH might have....even a few hours earlier...well you get the point. In fact this is why I know one OM never performed oral the gals he screwing around:sick:. Edited March 31, 2014 by dichotomy 2
BHsigh Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) My wife never came out and said it, but I'm pretty sure that she told him that we weren't having sex any more. I know that she gave me a million excuses why we couldn't. We still did occasionally of course, it went down to a few times a month though, but I have no doubt that she lied to him as well, why wouldn't she? She lied about so many other things to both of us. Edited March 31, 2014 by BHsigh 6
Author fellini Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Im asking myself the same question. What guy is going to put his tongue in there not knowing. This guy did just that. Perhaps slight difference in view between taking something (single OM) and losing something (BH) that makes it easier to be OM or OW. There is that competition/stealing vibe going on that drives it. Also and i know this is sick....One thing though that I never understood anyone being ok with in these situations- the ick factor - particularly for a man.... I never understood how OM could deal with MW AP who was still regularly active with her husband. I mean...well putting your mouth where BH might have....even a few hours earlier...well you get the point. In fact this is why I know one OM never performed oral the gals he screwing around:sick:.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 We are apparently not the norm in this world because it bothers us, but it seems like a lot of people don't care anymore. Sex means nothing to them. It's not sacred anymore. They jump in and out of bed with each other and others and don't even care. Sure, it might bother them some, but they just push that thought out of their mind and go on through life, deciding it's all about what feels good in the moment. They don't think about the future or the consequences at all...it's too much for their brains to even wrap around.
road Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 ANSWER: Many OM are unwilling to share their AP. They get the WW to stop putting out for their BH. QUESTION: Why do you think many WW's stop doing their BH?
italianjob Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) ANSWER: Many OM are unwilling to share their AP. They get the WW to stop putting out for their BH. QUESTION: Why do you think many WW's stop doing their BH? Some do, and often this raises the ultimate Red Flag and get them caught, Some don't but lie to the AP and tell him that they do. Some cut down on the sex at home but don't stop completely, to avoid suspicion. They tell their AP they had to get through with it, but were dying inside (and some of them actually enjoy the additional emotional drama that spices up the affair even more). Again, behaviour has a lot to do with what drives the affair, love/infatuation or plain sex. Edited March 31, 2014 by italianjob
sidney2718 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Yes I have heard that this happens. In my case there was no claiming the marriage was dead, and supposedly nothing was said about current sleeping/sex conditions. Her AP fell in love with her real hard (and he was a single man 3 years out of a divorce, so he wasn't living in some kind of bubble like her). Im referring to how male (BS's) here are pretty clear about how the hardest thing to get over are the "mind movies" and thinking about the P aspects. Surely the AP, if male is thinking the same thing? And if not? Why not? Maybe I need to ask this question in OW/OM forum. Perhaps it is because when some men marry they feel as if they "own" their wives. Finding out later that she cheated is then considered a kind of robbery. But when a man starts an affair with a married woman, he does not feel as if he "owns" her. So there is no problem with her still being with her husband. Another way of looking at it is that marriage implies family, sharing, closeness, children, and so on. Having an outside man enter into that family is fantastically disruptive to the betrayed husband. But to the outside man it show power in that he had the ability to take the husband's wife away from him. So he starts out knowing she's still sleeping with her husband, but doesn't care. 1
Buckeye2 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Perhaps it is because when some men marry they feel as if they "own" their wives. Finding out later that she cheated is then considered a kind of robbery. But when a man starts an affair with a married woman, he does not feel as if he "owns" her. So there is no problem with her still being with her husband. A crude way of saying this is that the husband buys the cow and the OM gets the milk for free. How can the OM complain about that? Also: Women tend to think that an EA is worse and men tend to think that a PA is worse. There is a very primitive reason for this. In order to be biologically successful, you have to pass on your genes. Women know that their children are biologically theirs, men don’t. A woman’s primary concern was to have a man around to help her children survive. A man’s primary concern was to insure that her children were also his. In other words, a woman wanted a good relationship with her mate to keep him around. A man wanted a good relationship so that he wouldn’t be raising another man’s child. This is why it can be comforting for a woman to be told by her husband that he didn’t care for the OW, it was only sex. The wife’s security isn’t jeopardized. A husband isn’t comforted by being told the same thing. 2
Waverly Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I agree that it probably matters whether it was an EA/PA or just a PA. Mine was both; my xAP was incredibly jealous of my H, even when we were in the initial EA phase.
Man Mountain Makino Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 One of the things I cannot fathom, as a BS, is that my WS's AP, a single man, had no problem having full blown sex with a woman who for all intents and purposes, was still having sexual relations with her H. I think predominantly sexual relationships with married women are relatively easy and inexpensive to maintain. And that's the appeal. You can't really be seen together often so it's an inexpensive relationship. Much of the relationship is just the physical aspect, so the man doesn't have to deal with the other 23 hours of the day. It's cheap and easy. 1
italianjob Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I agree that it probably matters whether it was an EA/PA or just a PA. Mine was both; my xAP was incredibly jealous of my H, even when we were in the initial EA phase. That's because your affair was about love (in fact, you're having a hard time getting over it), you were (are?) in love with each other. If it had been about sex, at least for him, he wouldn't have been jealous at all. I think EA and PA are just two different phases. Every EA if given the chance will eventually become a PA. In sex based affairs the EA is just hooking up.
oldshirt Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 ANSWER: Many OM are unwilling to share their AP. They get the WW to stop putting out for their BH. QUESTION: Why do you think many WW's stop doing their BH? You are giving the OM too much credit and too much power here. The women often do that on their own. The OM don't even ask them to do it. Sex with OM is often so hot and nasty and forbidden, that the hormone rush alone is enough to overshadow the routine sex at home. Women try to reconcile it in their heads in an effort to try to make themselves feel less slutty so they voluntarily tell themselves they are falling in love with the OM and then start to become faithful to him in their own minds.
oldshirt Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 A crude way of saying this is that the husband buys the cow and the OM gets the milk for free. How can the OM complain about that? . This is totally it. In my young, dumb and single days I was with several married women. I was in it strictly for the poon. I really couldn't care less if they were getting it from her husband or not because I wasn't looking for love, wasn't looking for a partner and if I was looking for love I certainly wasn't going to look for it in a cheating wife. I had one gal tell me (after we had had sex a few times) that her husband was a bad premature ejaculator and he couldn't ever do it more than 30 seconds and wouldn't do anything else to please her. She was the only on That ever indicated why she was banging me. About the only things the others ever said was , " I have a few minutes, is this a good time?" The reason I was with married women is because with married women you didn't have to wine or dine or court them and you did NOT have to profess love for them or offer them a relationship or marriage. They already had all that. All I offered them was attention, affection, orgasms and a hard d!ck. All I wanted was a warm, wet pssy. I had no investment in them so I couldn't care less what they did at home with their husbands.
oldshirt Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Y'all need to keep in mind single OM are completely different than guys looking for GF s/wives and completely different from single OM. Single OM DON'T want want the WW s to be stuck on them or to leave their husbands for them. They want the wives to stay in the home and be taken care of by the husbands. They just want the WW s to keep coming over for booty calls without having to deal with her mood swings and her laundry and her drama and her friends, family blah blah blah. I had a few different WW s that were FWBs for literally several years before they either finally left their husbands (not for me, I told her I wouldn't take her) or moved on to different men, and a couple I ended it when I started dating my wife. I'm sure there are a few star-struck single OM that due fall in love with the WW and want to be with her and want to be her rescuer and knight in shining armor and wants her to be faithful onto him and stop being with the husband and to leave him. For every one of those there are probably 9 guys like me that just wants the milk while the cow ****s in some other sap' s pasture and he is the one that has provide the barn and the feed and has to take care of the calves and pay the vet bills. 1
oldshirt Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I think predominantly sexual relationships with married women are relatively easy and inexpensive to maintain. And that's the appeal. You can't really be seen together often so it's an inexpensive relationship. Much of the relationship is just the physical aspect, so the man doesn't have to deal with the other 23 hours of the day. It's cheap and easy. That's it. That's all it is. It doesn't go any deeper than that.
road Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You are giving the OM too much credit and too much power here. The women often do that on their own. The OM don't even ask them to do it. Sorry but over tens years of reading on infidelity forums has shown that I am not giving OM too much credit.
compulsivedancer Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 OM knew I wanted additional sex not replacement sex. He was very jealous when I talked about other guys in a sexual way, but regarding H, just asked that I not bring it up. He knew that I wasn't going to stop having sex with H, so he put it out of his mind. He did NOT want to hear about it, however. Also, I think he worried that I might ask him to leave his GF and be with me. If I had stopped sex with H, that would've made that scenario much more likely. So it was a lesser of two evils.
Sub Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Im referring to how male (BS's) here are pretty clear about how the hardest thing to get over are the "mind movies" and thinking about the P aspects. Maybe I'm an anomaly, but the physical aspects weren't as hard for me to get over as the emotional/mental ones. Sure, it wasn't easy, and there were moments of nausea and insecurity at the thought. But they subsided much faster than the feelings about everything else. Surely the AP, if male is thinking the same thing? And if not? Why not? Maybe I need to ask this question in OW/OM forum. I think even if they know the WW is still sleeping with their BH, they rationalize that it can't be all that good. Otherwise, why would the WW be having sex with them. So, even though the WW is sleeping with someone else for whatever reasons - maybe just to keep up appearances - the OM can rest easy that he's "better" than the BH in that regard. Not saying this is reality, but it's probably how most justify it.
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