veritas lux mea Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I have been online a lot more lately. My job is in a "waste" time mode and find I get reading stories an sort of stuck on an idea. I don't touch anything to do with my inability to carry full term anymore because it just dragged me down. I wonder though if all this reading is dragging me down as a an exMW. I see such justified anger towards us women who sleep with married men. And of course betraying my own husband makes me even lower. There is another site that shall remain nameless where after too much reading I feel like to the majority of internet people (which we know is how people really feel and just fake it to our face but can let it all out online) would rather I just plunge a knife into my own heart and be done with it. Okay maybe not that bad but yikes that site is crazy. Recently I have wondered about the whole "they always affair down". I don't mind owning it was incredibly stupid to not only cheat on my husband but with a man who was a family friend and married. I know it was wrong. I know there is no excuse for it. But, I cannot think I am somehow less than other people. Tainted for life. I just simply will not accept that but I must be because tonight those comments actually bother me and make me feel low. When usually I could really not care less. Why I don't feel he affaired down: Me- Fun, lively, kind, beautiful but at times emotional to the point of being crazy. The craziness only creeps out at times though and not somethinf everyone knows. It is mostly in my head. Her- snobbish with a chip on her shoulder, bland, can be pretty but she is one of those people who looks hard most of the time. She is a hard worker and honestly has put up with a lot from her husband but she chooses to stay so you stop feeling sorry for her after affair number 4. I asked my husband if he thought xMM had affaired down and he said "hell no, blank is married to a biatch. I'd pick you and your craziness anyday". Of course it wouldn't be fair if I didn't question whether I affaired down or not. Initially I didn't think so. Plus, my affair was about sex. To me H was always te better man for me. But since I have learned some things about xMM that put him in a bad light other than cheating. So I think I affaired down after all without knowing it. I didn't choose out a broken pack member or choose anyone at all or any of that garbage. (i realize some people do affair down but to think we are all ugly and lesser human beings... Really? Whatever helps you sleep at night). The only thing I will accept is that as far as faithfulness goes he affaired down. But there are more good qualities in me besides a few short months of my life when I had sex with someone secretly, regretted it and told my H. I realize this will offend a lot of people and I am sorry for that. I am just wondering if any other xOW struggle against the trash label people want to stick to us.
Popsicle Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Don't get caught up in this. First of all, people on the internet say all sorts of things that aren't true. Just know that. Second, sometimes people affair up and sometimes people affair down. You really can't know, because you don't know exactly how your MM sees you or his wife. You never know what's in their head and heart. In my case, I really don't know which one it is. All I know is, he ain't leaving his wife no matter what.
sunburned Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I have been online a lot more lately. My job is in a "waste" time mode and find I get reading stories an sort of stuck on an idea. I don't touch anything to do with my inability to carry full term anymore because it just dragged me down. I wonder though if all this reading is dragging me down as a an exMW. I see such justified anger towards us women who sleep with married men. And of course betraying my own husband makes me even lower. There is another site that shall remain nameless where after too much reading I feel like to the majority of internet people (which we know is how people really feel and just fake it to our face but can let it all out online) would rather I just plunge a knife into my own heart and be done with it. Okay maybe not that bad but yikes that site is crazy. Recently I have wondered about the whole "they always affair down". I don't mind owning it was incredibly stupid to not only cheat on my husband but with a man who was a family friend and married. I know it was wrong. I know there is no excuse for it. But, I cannot think I am somehow less than other people. Tainted for life. I just simply will not accept that but I must be because tonight those comments actually bother me and make me feel low. When usually I could really not care less. Why I don't feel he affaired down: Me- Fun, lively, kind, beautiful but at times emotional to the point of being crazy. The craziness only creeps out at times though and not somethinf everyone knows. It is mostly in my head. Her- snobbish with a chip on her shoulder, bland, can be pretty but she is one of those people who looks hard most of the time. She is a hard worker and honestly has put up with a lot from her husband but she chooses to stay so you stop feeling sorry for her after affair number 4. I asked my husband if he thought xMM had affaired down and he said "hell no, blank is married to a biatch. I'd pick you and your craziness anyday". Of course it wouldn't be fair if I didn't question whether I affaired down or not. Initially I didn't think so. Plus, my affair was about sex. To me H was always te better man for me. But since I have learned some things about xMM that put him in a bad light other than cheating. So I think I affaired down after all without knowing it. I didn't choose out a broken pack member or choose anyone at all or any of that garbage. (i realize some people do affair down but to think we are all ugly and lesser human beings... Really? Whatever helps you sleep at night). The only thing I will accept is that as far as faithfulness goes he affaired down. But there are more good qualities in me besides a few short months of my life when I had sex with someone secretly, regretted it and told my H. I realize this will offend a lot of people and I am sorry for that. I am just wondering if any other xOW struggle against the trash label people want to stick to us. Couple of things: 1. I also wonder about LS being a double edged sword. Seems most people stop by for a week or month when they did a little support, a push, a reality check, a pep talk. I have been here for several months, still trying to get answers. I wonder if I'm doing myself more harm then good. I've disappeared for a week, but come back. It's almost like LS is my new OM and I can't manage no contact. 2. On affairing down ... I was told by a specialist in this sort of thing that most people affair down because it's less risky. Less likely to get your heart broken. From reading here on LS, I think people just affair differently especially those of us who are married ... looking for someone different than our spouses. Not better, not worse, just different because we're looking for these "others" to fulfill needs not being met in our Ms. I feel I affaired "down" to a degree. He was a lot older than me whereas H is same age, he isn't as successful as my H, he had some negative qualities that I noticed during our 10 prior years of friendship (judgmental, talked about people behind their backs, short-tempered, for example). Did he affair down? It's hard to answer that question honestly as the "other" because it's a reflection on ourselves. His W was attractive, older than me but not as old as him. I guess I was a little prettier, but only in that I was younger. We are probably the same degree of prettiness, but very different from each other. The real diff is she is very stiff, reserved (he was gregarious as am I). She didn't smile much and looked like she was perpetually scowling (perhaps because she married a schmuck). She and I are both successful professionals in very different fields. She is intelligent and very hardworking. He used to complain she monitored his every move. I never got that and it didn't occur to me until after "we" ended that he probably cheated before. 3.) Wiser posters have stated an A is not the sum total of who you are and who you will be. Yes, you are tainted (so am I). There is no getting around that. We can't change the past, but we can improve the future. It's imperative to continue to dig into what happened, what caused us to fail ourselves and our marriages in this regard. If online reading is helping, carry on. If it's not or your're not sure, trying taking a break for a couple of weeks. We'll be happy to welcome you back, should you return. 2
sunburned Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Sorry for all the typos and wrong words. Combination of typing and voice texting on the phone.
halfalive Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Couple of things: 1. I also wonder about LS being a double edged sword. Seems most people stop by for a week or month when they did a little support, a push, a reality check, a pep talk. I have been here for several months, still trying to get answers. I wonder if I'm doing myself more harm then good. I've disappeared for a week, but come back. It's almost like LS is my new OM and I can't manage no contact. 2. On affairing down ... I was told by a specialist in this sort of thing that most people affair down because it's less risky. Less likely to get your heart broken. From reading here on LS, I think people just affair differently especially those of us who are married ... looking for someone different than our spouses. Not better, not worse, just different because we're looking for these "others" to fulfill needs not being met in our Ms. I feel I affaired "down" to a degree. He was a lot older than me whereas H is same age, he isn't as successful as my H, he had some negative qualities that I noticed during our 10 prior years of friendship (judgmental, talked about people behind their backs, short-tempered, for example). Did he affair down? It's hard to answer that question honestly as the "other" because it's a reflection on ourselves. His W was attractive, older than me but not as old as him. I guess I was a little prettier, but only in that I was younger. We are probably the same degree of prettiness, but very different from each other. The real diff is she is very stiff, reserved (he was gregarious as am I). She didn't smile much and looked like she was perpetually scowling (perhaps because she married a schmuck). She and I are both successful professionals in very different fields. She is intelligent and very hardworking. He used to complain she monitored his every move. I never got that and it didn't occur to me until after "we" ended that he probably cheated before. 3.) Wiser posters have stated an A is not the sum total of who you are and who you will be. Yes, you are tainted (so am I). There is no getting around that. We can't change the past, but we can improve the future. It's imperative to continue to dig into what happened, what caused us to fail ourselves and our marriages in this regard. If online reading is helping, carry on. If it's not or your're not sure, trying taking a break for a couple of weeks. We'll be happy to welcome you back, should you return. On your first point, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE!! There have been times that you lovely folks from LS have helped me push through the lowest points in recovering from my affair. But there are other times that coming on here and reading other WS thoughts, feelings or current affairs are just detrimental to me. If you are starting to go down that path mentally, I suggest a break from this site. I took a break when I realized this and it helped tremendously.
littlemermaid Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I agree that it's not affair "down," just "different." My xMOM could not be more different from my H. He's not a bad person at all, but I have come to realize he is a very broken and needy person. He's a performer and he craves constant validation from anywhere and everywhere. Despite being a very talented performer who is very, very successful in his field....he struggles with his self esteem. as for him, with me? his W is pretty, but she is a very large woman, bigger than him, and much larger than me. I am a very small and thin person. I am usually happy and laughing, and she is very much a disciplinarian, I have rarely seen her laugh around him, she's usually scolding him about something he has done or is doing wrong. She belittles him in public constantly. My H has even mentioned that he doesn't know what they are doing together, that they are a very strange couple and that he doesn't know how xMOM puts up with her. I think we are all just searching for something different than what we have, something we are missing.
Waverly Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I go through all of this as well. I know it's hard, but don't let the harsh posts here get to you too much. I think the point about the A not being the entirety of who you are is a really really important one. I hope we're beyond the days of wearing that scarlet letter around the whole time, metaphorically or otherwise. You are MORE than just someone who had an affair. We all have things in life that we're not proud of; we all have things we've done that we would love to undo. The past can't be changed, and I have had an unbelievably hard time learning to accept that. But it can't, and I think the only thing to do from here is to try and live a better life and make healthier decisions moving forward. Like you said, you are SO much more than the few months of your A. (That said -- I would be lying if I didn't admit that some of the comments made here really bother me. The ones that get to me the most are the ones that accuse me of being an unfit mother because of my A. Again, I'm more than that. But that's a personal pet peeve of mine; I digress...) The affairing down question is so interesting to me. I don't really think I did, and I don't know that my H and xAP are SO different, either. I think my H is a little more successful, a little more intelligent, a little funnier, than my xAP. But I think my xAP had a lot of qualities that I (obviously) found really attractive that my husband was perhaps lacking. They're similar in some ways, and different in others. I'm sticking my neck out to be slammed here, but I love them both. I don't know if my MM affaired down. I've never met his wife. He never spoke ill of her, and I wouldn't have wanted him to. I get the sense that we were just different. I saw a picture of her, and she's pretty. I think her interests are very different than mine, and I get the sense her personality is as well. Last point of my rambling: I have such mixed feelings on LS. I'm SO glad I found it, and have been and am really really grateful for the support and advice I've gotten here. And I'm definitely using it as a crutch. I'm just one week (eight days today) into NC, and I am totally addicted to LS; I check in here throughout the day, and refresh for new posts with about the same frequency I used to email the OM. It's a distraction, even if I'm not actively participating all of the time. But I also do wonder if it's making me fixate on this even more than I would be otherwise. (Ha -- I'm not really sure that's possible, if I'm being honest).
Author veritas lux mea Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Thanks everyone. It wasn't actually LS it was another site I visit. The site has a thread purposefully about "they always affair down" and it has pages of insults and derogatory comments towards us. It seems hardly helpful in the healin process for them. Not to mention not always true. While some women are in the early stages of discovery some are years past and still taking pot shots. I shouldn't have read it because it put me in a funk. But i am feeling better today and enjoy the comments. I guess I know I just will not accept he affaired down. Not up either. I am her equel and I refuse to feel less than someone just because i made a different mistake than someone else. I'm not doing it anymore and that is what matters. 2
twosadthings Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 It's human nature to rubberneck at an accident but by and large people will gravitate to where they can feel best served. The site you were referring to was started by two previous cheating spouses and is very strictly monitored. Their wayward forum would not tolerate the postings here, probably would consider this forum one step above "DocCool", as I have seen posters banned because they refused to end their faithlessness. We as responders to your threads have only your words to react to. You should know what's in your heart and sift through these responss for what is best for you and those you love. Save your feelings and guilt for what's really important. Twosadthings
snappytomcat Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 iam sorry you feel like your less of a person cause you had an affair,well im here to tell you that you are not,your onlu human and we all make mistakes,as far as the affair down thing,well as a bs,this also bothered me,but I do know my husband did affair down,and like someone mentioned,it less risky,thats what my husband said,do I think they all affair down,no I don't,i just think you need to push this out of your head,and don't give it a second thought
Quiet Storm Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) When I hear the term "affair down", I don't think about it in terms of looks. I think its more related to a person's character. We all value different things, so affairing up or down really depends on what that individual person values in a partner. I think many affairs are based on a person's need for validation and attention. Confident & secure people often do not realize the amount of compliments, attention, positive feedback and reassurance that a person with low self worth needs to feel loved. Lets use an example of a common scenario, a 40 YO male who feels negected at home. His wife is preoccupied with the kids and doesn't make sex a priority. She is confident & independent & had a happy childhood. She felt loved by her parents. They modeled good coping skills, they taught her to self soothe and instilled a sense of confidence in her. But her husband sees her lack of interest as a rejection and assumes she's not attracted to him anymore. He works with a pretty 28 YO single woman who hasn't had the best luck in relationships. She has been in a few emotionally abusive & manipulative relationships. She didn't have a great childhood and has some issues with self worth. Her parents never taught her, nor did they demonstrate self love- looking out for your best interests, protecting yourself from emotional pain, and caring for your mind & body. She doesn't consciously realize it, but many of her actions are driven by a need for approval, acceptance & love. She gives her coworker work related compliments, and she respects and admires him. He can tell she looks up to him & he likes that. She listens to him and is genuinely interested in what he talks about. She gives him a lot of positive feedback, which makes him feel really good. A friendship develops and they spend more time together. Both thrive on the attention they receive from each other. She needs a lot of reassurance from him, and often becomes emotional. She is fun and passionate, but dramatic and needy. In this case... do you think he is affairing down? If you base it on looks/youth, then most would say he is affairing up. But OW has a fragile sense of self, and this can cause many problems down the road. Sometimes the people we feel the strongest attraction for are the worst ones for us. Similar childhood issues and negative traits can create a strong attraction & sense of familiarity, but it is not always healthy for us. You can't change the past, but you can use it to learn and grow. Through counseling and introspection, we can become more confident and self aware. Its not about whose better or prettier or more successful. Its about how we feel about ourselves. Love yourself and try not to think about the judgements of others. Edited March 31, 2014 by Quiet Storm 5
sunburned Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Well said par usual, Quiet Storm. Digital fist pump. 2
jellybean89 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Wiser posters have stated an A is not the sum total of who you are and who you will be. Yes, you are tainted (so am I). There is no getting around that. We can't change the past, but we can improve the future. It's imperative to continue to dig into what happened, what caused us to fail ourselves and our marriages in this regard. If online reading is helping, carry on. If it's not or your're not sure, trying taking a break for a couple of weeks. We'll be happy to welcome you back, should you return. One of the best posts I have ever seen. Sunburned, you have truly looked inward and that alone is great! You are owning your actions, not offering excuses, and accepting of what judgment comes because of those actions. That is so amazing and show you are truly on a better path of understanding YOU. I commend you. 3
waterwoman Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hey QS. I reckon you must know my H in real life
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 This concern with the status of the AP is misplaced. The choice to cheat can't be redeemed by saying "I chose a gem of a guy to cheat with" or some such. You are giving him space in your head, saying you love them both. Still cheating then, in my book.
Author veritas lux mea Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 This concern with the status of the AP is misplaced. The choice to cheat can't be redeemed by saying "I chose a gem of a guy to cheat with" or some such. You are giving him space in your head, saying you love them both. Still cheating then, in my book. I don't know if you actually read my post. I always felt my husband was better than my MM. What i was struggling with was reading pages and pages of how people always affair down. I am not less than is wife. Or him and I do not think he affaired down with me. It just isn't always true.
ladydesigner Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 When I hear the term "affair down", I don't think about it in terms of looks. I think its more related to a person's character. We all value different things, so affairing up or down really depends on what that individual person values in a partner. Well I too think it has more to do with character than anything else. When I had my A I affaired down in every way. What I was getting from my A was validation. XOM had nothing to offer me. He was too young and had a long term girlfriend. In my WH's A his MOW was pretty but she struggled and was a single mom with no education working for my H and having an A with him. For her to put herself in that situation I see as "affairing down."
mainejack Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 To the OP. You're as good a person as you ever were, (you seem to know that deep down). And that's also true of those that talk trash. I'm new to the site and I'm doing a lot of reading in threads that are written by both the cheaters and the cheated, and no matter where I am all I see is pain. That's the one thing you all have in common. Well, that and the fact that neither side won. My heart goes out to you all and I wish you the very best.
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