9 Months Into Seperation/Divorce Process - What I learned

[ShannonBanana]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm 9 months into the separation process and have started the divorce process for a divorce I didn't want but my STBX-husband asked for, then moved to Paris with his girlfriend and left me in the lurch. The ensuing months were the darkest months of my life, but I made it to the other side.

 

There are a ton of things I learned in the process that I would like to pass along to anyone going through the beginning stages.

 

1) Cry. Cry your little heart out, even though it hurts like crazy. It's a purging process. Imagine that with every tear you cry the pain is dissipating. Then pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and keep moving. This will happen on repeat until one day, you realise you haven't cried in months and you feel dang good.

 

2) Don't let yourself be alone too much, but alone time will help you process the loss. Have a friend over for tea, make dinner for friends, let them make dinner for you. Even if you feel like you have to scrape yourself out of bed to do it or to get to their place. Go for a walk with them, go to coffee. You will likely feel like crap, but it will help.

 

With your truest friends you don't need to feel anything other than what you feel, so no need to try to be positive when you feel like your world is crashing around you.

 

And then spend quality time with yourself.

 

3) Realise that a serious life challenge is calling you to the mat. The good news is that you have everything it takes to rise to the occasion. I did the 180 and it helped me tremendously. Largely because I knew I was handling everything with dignity and grace.

 

4) Finances need to be addressed. If you were a supported spouse talk to a lawyer STAT about your rights to continued support and protect yourself financially. Every penny your spouse earns is yours too. For those who are the breadwinner, your financial responsibilities do not end because you are splitting up.

 

5) Lawyer up. Find the best lawyer you can. Also, the best lawyer may not be the most expensive. Feel free to talk to many attorneys until you find the right one. I interviewed and gleaned information from 7 different attorneys. Each one had a different approach. I came across 'sharks' and I came across 'lame-brains'.

 

In the end, I hired the attorney that had the intelligence to believe he could argue against the California residency requirements before filing due to the fact that CA was my home prior to moving to Europe with hubby. Just discussing my rights put a smirk on his face that was well worth the retainer fee alone. I realized then, for the first time ever in my marriage, that someone was finally in my corner to help me stand up for what was right. And it just happened to be my divorce attorney. He was also the most economical choice I came across. My point is....find the right attorney that will be as aggressive as you need them to be.

 

6) Do NOT delay in your search for an attorney. Do NOT delay! If you are friends with attorneys, even if they aren't family law, ask them for referrals. A glowing recommendation from a trusted friend giving a peer review is an outstanding way to find the best one for you.

 

You need someone bright and competent in your corner to tell you what your rights and responsibilities are.

 

7) Don't let your STBX get away with *****ty behaviour just to keep the peace. I endured manipulation, privacy violation and harassment for the sake of keeping the peace. I caution against doing this because it's demoralizing and you need to.....

 

8) Watch out for #1 and your kids first and foremost. Your STBX is no longer your priority. You are. Your kids are.

 

Do what you need to do to heal, protect yourself financially, physically and emotionally. If your spouse has said it's over, take them at their word and readjust expectations that they will be there for you.

 

I hope some of this helps anyone going through it. Some of this I wish someone had told me. All of this will be going on at the same time. And it's crazy! Ask people to help you in every way you need.

 

What kind of help do you need and who can give it to you? Let other people be there for you.

Edited March 31, 2014 by ShannonBanana

[Misadventure]

Thank you for writing this! You are SOOOO spot on.

[confused-hesitant]

8) Watch out for #1 and your kids first and foremost. Your STBX is no longer your priority. You are. Your kids are.

 

Boy did I take WAY too long to learn this... I knew if I asked him to leave he would hurt himself, so I let it ride, didn't file soon enough, caved WAY too soon on certain things. Now, he tells everyone I've led him on. But I still hesitated because I knew how hurt he would be. Now, none of that matters, just me and my daughter. I am out to protect her and I, no one else, least of all HIM.

 

Thank you for posting this

[ShannonBanana]

I too learned the hard way, feeling sympathetic towards my STBX and not putting myself first, letting him get away with shenanigans....and then found out many months after the separation there was another woman in the picture well before he told me he wanted a divorce.

 

After that he started courting her, letting her live with him in Paris and buying her expensive jewellery from Tiffany's. All that is well and good but he was the breadwinner and he dropped all responsibilities towards me, his wife, who sold all her earthy belongings and moved across the world for his career and for the good of the 'family unit'.

 

When I found all this out is when I realised that there is very, very little value (if any at all) in being the 'nice person'. They'll feel free to be jerks, why do we feel the need to be nice in response?

 

It just goes to show, from the beginning we can't assume we know the truth even though we really believe/hope/think we can trust the other person.

Edited April 3, 2014 by ShannonBanana

[VeronicaRoss]

I too learned the hard way, feeling sympathetic towards my STBX and not putting myself first, letting him get away with shenanigans....

 

I can really relate to this. Ouch.

 

My first husband was charming and highly manipulative, but as time unfolded, he definitely was not my friend. My family adored him, he seemed like such a sweet guy. What I found out after the divorce was even worse than I knew when I started. People came out of the woodwork to tell me what they knew, and oftentimes they said they had no clue until we were separated and he didn't feel like he needed to hide his real life any longer.

 

OK, so he was a mess. Here's the real question: why did I marry him and stay with him for four years? I didn't exercise my judgment. I put romance and hormones and hope over what I knew and what a few brave others tried to warn me about, however veiled and lightly.

 

To save yourself and future romantic partners from destructive cynicism ('can't trust anyone'!), do yourself a favor and do the harder and smarter work of examining your own behavior. What did you do with your power in that situation when the shenanigans showed up. What was your initial reaction to things he did that provided clues that kept you with him? Focusing on that and changing your yourself will save you in the long run.

 

Did you minimize the clues about who he was? Why? Did you think your love would change him? Was there someone else in your life that betrayed you or your family and you're repeating that history to try and conquer it? Did you see him treat others in an unethical way but you thought he'd never do that to you? Did others hint about problems to you that you ignored? Did you not respect things he did but married him anyway?

 

Don't get me wrong, you deserve the venting. Just don't solidify this 'can't trust anyone' position. You have to make yourself trustworthy to yourself first and foremost.

 

I'm pretty smart, but made truly spectacularly dumb decisions. I had to shed a lot of vanity as I apparently thought I had magical powers over other people to change someone like that. I also thought because he was a kind and generous person in so many ways, his better nature would overcome the bad. That's not the way it works.

 

Taking responsibility for my choices helped enormously. When I met my second husband (8 years later) he said I was one of the few women he met that was actually emotionally available. Why? Because I knew it wasn't 'men' who had wronged me, but me not making the most of the information I was given. I didn't exercise good judgment. That would have kept me away from someone who wasn't trustworthy, and of course wouldn't have been able to hurt me.

 

So many people dating in middle age focus their rage on the person that hurt them and hold on to that resentment as a protection, kind of like 'I dare you to prove to me love and you are better than that' to the people they date. Emotionally healthy men and women will shut someone who has that attitude out and move on.

 

Doing that work on myself meant I could meet my future husband with an open heart.

Edited April 3, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[ShannonBanana]

I certainly do not feel or remember saying you can't trust anyone. If I said you can't trust anyone (which you put in quotes), that is not what I meant.

 

Specifically, it is best to be discerning about a trusting a walk-away spouse. The truth can be well hidden and we may want to trust them, but the reality is that a walk-away spouse is doing what they see as best for them, not you or the family. Therefore, you have to take care of yourself and manage the expectations they will be there for you and that they will be as kind as you may be.

 

Thank you for acknowledging the need to vent. That is what this forum is for. I feel like I do take accountability for my mistakes one of which was thinking he was being truthful in his vows. Again, goes back to trusting the ex-spouse not with trusting everyone in life and love.

 

I am glad your new spouse validates your emotional availability and that you had the time to work through all the issues you had with your choices afterwards. Thank you for letting me know I need to do that same but I am pretty early in on the process.

 

Cheers!

Edited April 3, 2014 by ShannonBanana

[confused-hesitant]

I trusted my STBXH, trusted him to follow through on his "I just want to make sure you two are taken care of" bs... Then, when it hit the fan and he decided his feelings were hurt the REAL truth came out - how he blamed me for the failure of the marriage, how if I "didn't MAKE this marriage work" that he would make sure I was financially unable to provide a home for our child, that he would fight me on every piece of paper and would make any decision I wanted to make a fight just to piss me off. He backed down and apologized for that conversation, but real truth seems to come out when he's mad, and it sure did this time. I promised I wouldn't file for divorce until after our daughters birthday party (ALL of his family is coming, what a nightmare). He wants to sit down and talk after the party, because he has convinced himself that our relationship is fixable and that there are some things he's never told me (and apparently those things will change my mind and will make me love him again, never mind the 10 years of mental abuse and brushing me and our daughter off like we meant nothing to him). I am so emotionally done with him, I don't want anything to do with him.

[ShannonBanana]

Am I mad? Yes.

 

But I believe for now I have every right to be and then move on.

 

In the mean time, I know there are plenty of people that were like me that want the divorce to be amicable, which can be to their own peril.

 

I am just trying to bring to light that we aren't helping ourselves when we stop looking out for ourselves financially, emotionally and physically as the primary person of interest (and children) during this situation.

[ShannonBanana]

Sorry Confused-Hesitant...didn't mean to top-post your reply.