nobodyparticular Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Hi everyone, First of all, I want to thank anyone who reads through this long post. I am not sure if I am asking a question or looking for general advice, but what's for sure is I want to get this off my chest. This post probably belongs in the long-distance relationships thread but given the main subject is about my recent breakup, is why I'm posting here. To start off, I'm a female in my mid-20s and I met my recent love interest on an online dating site who lives two states away. Things hit off well, we both found common grounds to relate to quickly. I talked to him for months before actually deciding to meet due to the distance and I wanted to get to know him properly before meeting a complete stranger. He seemed to trust me and not have jealousy issues which I considered a major plus because I know from past experience how too much jealousy can get ugly. Long story short, we had everything in the making of a strong, healthy relationship. But... I did notice some major red flags even before meeting. Nevertheless, I decided I should give it a chance before completely discarding it. Unfortunately problems kept persisting even when we visited each other. For my part, I tried to be a flexible giver in the relationship and paid for dates, always initiated conversations, was willing to be physical intimate to the point I am comfortable. However, he is very stubborn and always had to have his way. He'd also constantly nitpick stuff about me even though when I asked him before meeting him how I should behave with his family or what his preferences are, he didn't specify anything clearly and he said "just be yourself, you'll be fine". He is very judgemental and quickly jumps to conclusions without giving me a chance to explain things. Things got to the point I couldn't even talk about something without being misunderstood or judged. He ended up saying some pretty harsh things like "you don't belong in my family". I decided to end it because I was not happy and no longer felt like he's my best friend. When I started talking about breaking up with him he cried, begged and claimed he had a bad moment when he said harsh things to me. So I took him back. But he showed no efforts of being mature and acting responsibly. Anyway, fast forward couple of more months. I start to get tired of him and I wouldn't even talk to him. I did not finally make it clear that we've broken up but have not talked to him for over 5 months. I guess I took the coward's way out. I have since moved on, got a new job, a new apartment and trying all kinds of activities to keep myself busy. I don't regret moving on one bit, in fact whenever I think of getting together with him I have nightmares. I have a lot going on, but I still miss him when I feel lonely or have nothing to do. I guess I need opinion on the following: 1) was it right for me to take the coward's way out and stop contacting him? 2) am I having second thoughts about this "breakup"? 3) I still miss the good things about him like trust and no jealousy... is it normal to reminisce good things about your ex even though you can't imagine a future with him?
eclecticsw Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Hi, Sorry you're going through this. Answering your questions: I guess I need opinion on the following: 1) was it right for me to take the coward's way out and stop contacting him? 2) am I having second thoughts about this "breakup"? 3) I still miss the good things about him like trust and no jealousy... is it normal to reminisce good things about your ex even though you can't imagine a future with him? 1. Please stop judging yourself as a coward. He seemed pretty intimidating and harsh so I can't say I blame you for taking the easy way out. The most important thing is to not judge yourself so harshly. We all make mistakes and learn from them. 2 and 3. I don't think you're having second thoughts. You feel lonely and emotionally vulnerable and it is very easy for our minds to drift to the "good things" about the relationship and file the dysfunctional things in the backof our minds. After a breakup, you feel like your life is not in your control. You feel like you're facing the world alone and you want to go back to what's familiar and comfortable, even thought what was familiar and comfortable was not healthy. I think it's wise that you're focusing on yourself and improving your life. Love yourself and you will find someone that is worthy of you loving them. He had no right to nit pick and say harsh things to you. It probably would have gotten worse. I think you dodged a bullet. Take care...
Author nobodyparticular Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 Hi again, Thanks for the kind reply. You're right, when one is alone, it's easy to forget the bad times or unhealthy parts about the relationship. I should just think about the stress I've experienced while I knew him. It's definitely a weird feeling because I know he is bad for me, yet I keep wondering if anyone who might come along after him will be worse... Maybe, maybe not. I'll just have to roll with what life throws at me.
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