I want to end my life, I need I cant remember what happened

[sososad2day]

Been with my wife for 12 yrs. 2009 an illness had become more aggressive, i had already been taking painkillers (norco),steroids & anti-depressants since late 2007, I was at times verbally abusive, arguments became frequent. 2009 I was laid off, we lost house, had 2 give up my 5 animals. moved in with my parents, wife became pregnant then had miscarriage. we moved into a room with her co-worker.

 

I was not able to work due 2 health issues, she worked, i drove & volunteered at my sons preschool. My illness caused near fainting & loss of breath i was limited to activities. Wife & her family upset because i was not providing, i understand, but i cld not wrk Wife & son moved 2 her dads, we were asked to leave room we were renting.The plan, I would stay with a relative 2 get better but Depression became worse since 2010 i had five surgery's 2 were open heart, Wife files for divorce we had been arguing and i said to do it, have been in denial of EVERYTHING pure isolation Days i still lay in bed no eating just staring at walls, admitted to hospital for dehydration. I have memory issues and cant recall what has happened. My son begun 2 mention a males name often, I asked my wife she said its her boyfriend, I was upset she did not talk to me as a parent about introducing my son to him. It hit me i cryed and was anger, how did i get here, its all a blur i feel my wife left when i needed her most, i was sick and still am, It feels like she just left days ago.

 

I have spoken to my 6 year old son everyday since he left with his mom. I spoke with my son Friday morning but missed his call Saturday i called back left messages it is Sunday morning and no call back, i have called my wife three times and sent her four texts with no reply, this is a parent to parent matter, let me know he is ok. When i do speak to her i hope i do not learn she spent the weekend with her boyfriend and my son under the same roof,

 

I feel like she is cheating on me, yes we have been apart two years now, but i am trying to piece together what has happened the last two years, and I cant, (No drugs) I just cant remember it almost seems like i woke up and she said she was leaving. we never sat to talk, or discuss our marriage and try to work matters out, she did not fight for us ,our family, I think i did not fight as well, but I know that was not me back then, I have lost my family and I don't know why, I am so close to just ending it all.....

Edited March 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[UltraTech]

How old are you? Serious question

[True Gent]

Do not end it... Think of your son he needs his dad.

 

It sounds like you have been through a very rough time, both physically and mentally. It also sounds like your wife has not exactly been supportive of you during your time of ill health. I know it seems confusing but you can pick up the pieces of your life and look forward now.

 

Be strong for your son, try not to let her actions enter your mind. By the sounds of it she doesn't sound like she's worth the pain anyway...

[eclecticsw]

Don't. Please, please, please don't. No one on this earth is worth putting you under. Trust me on this. I am a therapist and even I have been there but I think of my daughter, my dad, and the fact that the person that perhaps I wanted to end my life for, would not end their life for me. I'm digressing here but I remember reading about the song "Jeremy". The song was inspired by an article that Eddie Vedder read in the paper. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, that here this kid ends his life and all he becomes is a tiny paragraph on page two of the newspaper. You end your life and the world goes on. The best revenge is coming out stronger and living a happier life. Please, if you need help, let us know where you are so we can get you some help.

[sooshi]

I am so sorry for what you're going through. You've been through so much, and I agree with True Gent that your wife doesn't seem to be very supportive of you at this time.

 

Your son needs you and loves you and expects to hear from you every day. There may be another adult male in his life, but YOU are his father. I know it's hard not to think about what your wife is doing with her life--you need to focus on making yourself happy, which I know is hard when you're going through so many difficult emotions and such a difficult time.

 

You've reached out here for support. That's a good sign and you don't *truly* want to end your life. Reach out to others around you, too. Call a crisis line in your area. There are many, many people who are willing to listen and support you. Keep posting on here if it helps you. Please take care.

[d0nnivain]

Please don't kill yourself. Your kids will never be the same.

 

As bad as things are, they will get better & it will hurt less eventually.

[Lost And Found]

You're not thinking straight right now. Your boy needs you, focus all of your thoughts on your boy. We are here for you brother, we understand your pain. Let us help you.

[iDrumKing]

I'll share a story with you and hopefully it can touch you or anyone here for that matter.

 

My dad told me this story when I was 5 years old. While growing up he would tell me the story from time to time. I'm 21 now and I still hearer it pretty often.

 

So the story starts with my dad out hunting by himself on a very early morning when he was a bit older than I am now. He was perched on his deer stand for hours. Finally found his target, shot, and got down to find his kill.

 

When he got down he heard crying and rustling. In the distance he saw a bear cub running away. Dad knew he was in danger. Mama bears stay close and are very protective. He got scared and started to walk back to the tree stand, for he hoped that would give him the upper advantage in case of an attack. He saw the black bear running at him and while finally climbing back up, the bear ripped at his leg. Dad fell to the ground and his gun went off scaring the bear off for a minute. He laid there with his leg bleeding, had a hard time breathing because of the impact, and started to think that he was going to die.

 

 

Dad told me that while laying there he heard the rustling coming back. He thought to himself "I can't believe this is how thing end for me."

 

But then it hit him, he started to think about his family, his friends, his gf (mom) and decided that he wanted to live, so he got up and did everything he could to scare the bear off and it worked...

 

Hearing that story for 16 years has really stuck with me. Whether it's true or not doesn't really matter and isn't the point or lesson he was trying to teach me.

 

I think his message was when things feel like their about to cave in on you and you feel like nothing will ever brighten up, you have to tell yourself that you're in CONTROL.

 

Please don't give up on yourself and the people around you.

[KaliLove]

Please seek professional help. Call a local suicide hotline. Your son needs his dad.

 

Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org!

 

My mom attempted suicide multiple times when I was a kid and I ended up in the foster system. It made me feel like I wasn't important enough to live for. I was (and still am) intensely screwed up because of that. Don't screw your son over.

[CadeYeager]

damn iDrumKing. I know that story wasn't meant for me but it really touched me. Your dad must care about a lot to encourage you to never give up.

 

OP, let us know you're still here please