iDrumKing Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 One of these days you're gonna wake up and FEEL amazing. The past will seem like a blur and you'll live in the NOW. Sooshi, you're gonna come out very strong from this whole experience. You're awesome and don't forget that.
Author sooshi Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 Thanks for your encouragement and kind words, IDK. I do think I will let my friend go. She was right when she said I was being unbelievably forgiving about the whole thing. She was my best friend and she didn't stand up for me. She liked the attention and the desire, yet her heart her for me and she was sickened by my ex-fiance's behavior and found it unacceptable. But she never stood up to me with him this entire time. I can't see how that is a true friendship in any way. In the end, I've lost my two dearest friends, who don't seem to be such dear friends of mine after all.
Ms.Gia Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 You have every right to be angry. He wrote her a love song and sent it to you? That's disgusting. Run for the hills and don't look back. This guy doesn't deserve any more of your love or support. He sounds unbalanced. Do you want to deal with that for the rest of your life? He did you a favor. I know it's hard, but I think you will have a happier life moving on.
mikefromtheblock Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Wait... He sent you a love song he wrote to HER? That sounds as he would be the biggest prick on the face of the earth. Instead of asking "why he is such a prick", you should ask yourself "why I am still thinking about him ant not moving on". I don't think you should analyze the behavior of people who did something bad to you, but to try and find someone who will do something good to you.
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) I haven't heard from him for a month, and I haven't said anything to him since I wrote a short message on Facebook after I learned he had deleted me on there. I apologized for hurting him and said that I was probably unworthy and undeserving of his friendship. Yes, I regret saying that, and I do believe it's the other way around. Unless I regress, in which case I start having those thoughts of unworthiness again. Saturday night was two years since we first met in person. We were online friends for 2.5 years before we met. I missed him a lot that night, especially since I saw him online on Gmail chat (yes, I haven't blocked him. He very rarely ever goes on there anymore). I was on invisible though, and I didn't contact him, even though I felt sad and nostalgic that he happened to come on on the anniversary of the night we met (although I'm sure he didn't realize that). And I won't contact him. But I miss him. I know I shouldn't. I know I should be angry with him and feel a lot of resentment towards him. Sometimes I do, other times I don't. I care about him. I know I probably shouldn't. But I do. I miss him. I don't really miss our friendship or our relationship. I don't really know what it is I miss. I know our friendship and relationship wasn't in balance most of the time; I gave much more than he did a lot of the time. Maybe I miss when he was kind and caring, and truly seemed to care for me and my well-being. I miss the good, healthy stuff while it was around. I don't know. I just needed to get this out here. Don't worry, I have zero inclination to contact him, just as I have no inclination to contact the girl he pursued shortly following the end of our engagement (my best friend at the time). Man, I lost two of my dearest friends in such a short time. Well, at least I thought they were dear friends. If they saw this, they'd probably think I'm making myself be the victim. Okay, I'm going to stop now--I feel my self-esteem dropping as I write this, and I feel my "being a doormat" mode kicking in. That's not cool, so I'm going to say: The lesson I am to learn from all of this is to love myself and to live in a way that makes it evident that I love myself. Edited April 8, 2014 by sooshi 1
bluegreen Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 You are allowed to feel that way especially here and non of us is wearing a crown or has been in more or less of mess then you. But I admire what you did and not do at same time : )) your own feelings are personal and as long as you keep them from him and that skunk he is with now who has a right to question and judge you. HUGS Person with low self respect and low self esteem would have came on to g chat and contacted him YOU DID NOT so what are you talking bout doll ?
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Thanks, bluegreen. When I saw that you replied, I was totally expecting something different, like "Why haven't you blocked him?! You are only hurting yourself!" I'm glad to be wrong and to be surprised. You're right that I would be showing myself that I have even less self-respect if I did contact him. Thanks for pointing that out. I don't think that he and my old friend talk anymore. She's in a relationship with someone else. Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me, especially because you're so blunt.
bluegreen Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 LOL awww come on doll : )) I might be blunt to the point of being b... about it but I dare not show what a cream puff I actually am on inside . ( Its no use to me or anyone here ) And if you could all just see my journey trough booth camp here and how tough some members were on me you would not believe it but if they were just bit less tough I would have never made it. Matters not do they speak or not she still is skunk and he even stinkier then her. Yeah well now that you mentioned why did you not block him ? And yeah in no way or how not doing just that won't help your recovery process so yeah in a way you are still hurting your self and sabotaging your self recovery.
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 <3 A part of me was very excited when I saw him on there the other night. He was on there for over an hour (when I've seen him on there over the past couple of months, it's only been for a few minutes), and I thought that maybe he was e-mailing me an apology. I thought that maybe he missed me (as a friend). But nope, nothing. So maybe he isn't sorry. I don't feel the need to block him, but I actually feel like it would hurt me more if I did block him. I do like being able to see him online once in a while, and it helps me see where I'm at emotionally when I do see him on there. Again, it's very rare that he comes on, although I saw him on there again this morning. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I do think that blocking him would actually not help with my healing process as much as just being able to see if he's online. If I thought otherwise, I would've blocked him.
Trovador Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Yep, the post bu blues... there are dates, places, songs, etc that remind us of what one day we had and lived... I think it is our prerogative to mourn a little and feel sorry for have been part of a story without a happy end... But as we can't do anything about, and won't, we keep on living because while there is life, there is a dream... and pursuing that dream, we walk forward because only losers stay or walk back... And every day we give us another chance to be happy... (I almost sounded like Gollum, he he...) Happy night to all!
bluegreen Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 You are playing with a fire doll and one of these days ..... But OK its been only so few months and its not like I don't understand the need. On the other hand its been only few short months grrr you are still so vulnerable. No doubt it will hurt to block him I know that and exactly how much. But it will ruin whatever effort and progress you made so far in my so obvious blunt way : )): it will leave you feeling lower then piece of s..... and then few feet below that if you fail this test. You can't guarantee that you will never ever contact him as long as you have access to him only way you can is actually seeing that you did block him and remembering why. Sorry I can try to be less blunt but I refuse not to point out how wrong you are here ....
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 That's okay, you don't need to be less blunt. I appreciate your straightforwardness. Thanks for your thoughts too, Trovador. Lots of healing still to do. Lots of self-inquiry. Thanks for getting me to think more about what I'm doing (or not doing).
redbaron005 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I don't feel the need to block him, but I actually feel like it would hurt me more if I did block him. I do like being able to see him online once in a while, and it helps me see where I'm at emotionally when I do see him on there. Again, it's very rare that he comes on... Sooshi sooshi sooshi. So gmail chat was the last thing I 'blocked' 2 months post BU. In fact I deleted my email account (and fb) all together! It hurt for about a week but the healing curve after was so much steeper. Let me tell you girl, my ex has a Pinterest where she documents every feeling she has through quotes and things. Public, not block able. I never looked at it during our relationship and began as it started to die. It hurt SO bad. 2 months post bu I stopped- it was not healthy. Disable chat, block etc for your own healing. If I can not look at her blog and Pinterest you can remove him from gchat. I believe in you! 1
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 redbaron, I was hoping you'd respond to this thread. I think it's hard for me because gmail chat was the primary way we communicated for almost the last two years (we live in different countries). Seeing him online makes me think he wants to talk to me, although I know that I can't know that is true. And I know that if he truly wanted to talk to me, he would send me an e-mail. So maybe he doesn't. Gah. I do see how not blocking him on there is potentially making this harder. It's hard for me to let go of it right now, and I know you understand. It would be hard to know that I will NEVER see him online again. He would be dead to me, and that is hard for me right now. I think it's pretty incredible that you deleted your e-mail account. I don't think I could do that! Too much history, and I'm overly sentimental at times. It does make me miss him when I read some of our past e-mails though (from before we were together). Yep, way more healing to do than I thought! Thanks for showing me that, redbaron. It's not the best discovery, but a necessary one.
redbaron005 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 He will never be dead to you. You loved him. However, where he would live forever is your heart. And that's damaged now. Keeping him on gchat is damaging it more, although you might not see it. Your heart is still drunk on hope. But to much drinking to long causes damage. By allowing this damage now your risking losing him in your heart as well. You know what you need to do. And you're no coward. 3
Jiivy Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 My fiancee left me just over a month ago for another man. We were together 7 years...it took me weeks just to get over the total SHOCK of what she did, let alone acknowledge what I had to do. The advice here on LS has been saving my ass every day, every night. I know that I'm not alone - because I have people here. Friends who are in the same place and friends who have survived it too. You're strong and we're stronger together. Believe me when I tell you I know your pain - I lost my whole life to my ex fiancee...but I'm finally blocking her out too. Block him! Heal yourself and let's do that together. 1
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Jivy, what happened with your fiancee leaving you for someone else is just AWFUL. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. That is so painful. Thanks for your words of support. I still have a lot of progress to make. Keep us posted about how you're doing.
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 <3 A part of me was very excited when I saw him on there the other night. He was on there for over an hour (when I've seen him on there over the past couple of months, it's only been for a few minutes), and I thought that maybe he was e-mailing me an apology. I thought that maybe he missed me (as a friend). But nope, nothing. So maybe he isn't sorry. I don't feel the need to block him, but I actually feel like it would hurt me more if I did block him. I do like being able to see him online once in a while, and it helps me see where I'm at emotionally when I do see him on there. Again, it's very rare that he comes on, although I saw him on there again this morning. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I do think that blocking him would actually not help with my healing process as much as just being able to see if he's online. If I thought otherwise, I would've blocked him. He's not sorry love. I don't believe he thinks he has anything to be sorry for. After all, you've already apologized to him and taken responsibility so now he views himself as the victim instead of the bad guy. By doing that, you have effectively erased anything bad he's done to you in his mind. Why don't you think blocking him will help you? Now every time you see him online you're going to hope he's emailing you, and when he doesn't, you're going to be sad. Or if he does, you're going to get sucked back into the vortex of cheating, lies, and insanity. Please rethink... 1
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 I agree with you, Kali, that he doesn't think he has anything to be sorry for because I apologized and took responsibility and now he sees himself as the victim rather than the bad guy. Sigh. This is why I am not in a space to forgive my friend who didn't say anything about his actions being not okay. I know what you're saying about the blocking. I do need to rethink things. Thanks, Kali.
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Atta girl..I know you understand. We all have bad days. I'm having one too honestly. We can be sad together.
stillafool Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I agree with you, Kali, that he doesn't think he has anything to be sorry for because I apologized and took responsibility and now he sees himself as the victim rather than the bad guy. Sigh. This is why I am not in a space to forgive my friend who didn't say anything about his actions being not okay. I know what you're saying about the blocking. I do need to rethink things. Thanks, Kali. Why is it that you cannot forgive your friend but yet hold hope for reconciliation with your ex? What he did to you is unforgivable IMHO. He treated you like dirt. 1
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Yeah, I understand. I just talked with my friend. She said she is just trying to be kind to everyone, that's all. So she didn't call him out on his actions because she just wants to be kind and to be everyone's friend. She also didn't see his behaviour/words as real, so she didn't take him seriously and said she would've probably responded differently if it were off-line. I don't really know where I'm at. I'm confused about everything.
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I understand. Just separate yourself from both of them for now until you sort it out..and keep coming here.
Author sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Thanks, Kali. I'm sorry you're feeling sad today, by the way. I hope you're feeling better, and that you had a good time in Vegas over the weekend. <3
smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 How do I let this gp? How do I make peace with myself, thinking that he resents m and hates me for my reaction and all the while not seeing what he was doing? I am atb peace sometimes, but not consistently. What can I do to stay at peace? This thing is such a roller coaster ride and Im sorry that you have to go through this. I understand the feeling of not wanting someone we care for deeply to hate and/or resent us. Its like a trap. You want to be the good friend at the same time you know in your head you need to move on and drop all that drama. I think you have owned up to your part of it and it is time to drop all of it and face the other direction. You are not being the good friend you want to be if you are enabling a person's negative behavior, attitude and outlook. But most importantly, you are not being to good to yourself by staying in that mess. It will take time but it is not impossible to move on. If you feel that you have to be a friend realize that you have to learn to be good to yourself before you can be good to others. The only reaction and thinking we can control is ours. I came to realize that wasting time trying to figure out somebody else is valuing them more than they deserve. It is hard to run away from these thoughts but its doable. When it comes learn a simple mind trick to distract you.
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