Cityanna Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Hi dear all! I am in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. I met him when visiting his country (which is next to mine). All this time I have visited him four times. He hasn't still visited me here. He says he will someday "when the right time comes". We were madly in love since the beginning of this relationship and despite all our problems, we never gave up. There was a time when I felt I was losing him, so I started complaining a lot, he was irritating, we were fighting and almost broke up. But no, it didn't happen so we met. It was six months that we hadn't see each other. When we are together, it seems that we are perfect for each other. And then communication problems started from his side, more complains from my side. To be or not to be? That was my question! If it's difficult for you, if you don't want anymore, if..., just say it and let me go! But he doesn't want to let me go, he is asking me to be patient and promising me that things will get better. He recently had problems with his job. I believe that we both have strong feelings for each other, but I also have reasons to have doubts. I had never had experienced a Long Distance Relationship before. On the other side, with him I felt things for the first time. Any advice please???
FitChick Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Are you planning to move to his city? It sounds like he is only interested in convenience, with you making all the effort. 2
justwhoiam Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Any advice please??? Hi Cityanna, I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. I do have some questions though, and this might help other people too getting to know your situation better and tell you what they think. 1) How old are you both? 2) How far do you live from each other? Possibly, where are you both? (that would also let us know about your time difference) 3) What's this "right time" that has to come? Like when he gets a new job? 4) When you visited him, what was the deal? Where you staying in a hotel? Or at his place? 5) Does he live on his own? Does he have kids/family? 6) Did you see where he lives/his house? 7) How long were your visits? 8) Do you pay everything for yourself, or does he, since you're the only one visiting? 9) What's the issue about communicating? 10) Why did you feel you were losing him? 11) Did you meet his friends? Colleagues? Family? 2
Author Cityanna Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 I have considered moving there under circumstances and we have talked about "if we ever lived together" but that's all now. I am doing all the effort now, yes. As for where we live, I live in Greece and he live sin Turkey. We are both thirty something, he quit his job recaintly but found a new one. He doesn't like the fact that he needs a visa to visit me, while I don't. We always meet each other in istanbul (he lives far away from there but this is where we first met). He conciders that we both have one hour flight to istanbul and we meet "in the middle". Yes he pays for almost everything and I have offered to pay only few things. I don't know what "when the right time comes" means. He lives with his parents and siblings. We meet for 5-6 days and stay at hotel. I have met his friend, brother and a cousin. Also I haven't see where he lives as I haven't still been there. He invited me at his town at the beginning and I asked him to meet m the middle (istanbul). The issue with communication is that we only talk few times a week and not everyday like we used to. I am not experienced in LDR and any advice-opinion would help! Thank you!!
Author Cityanna Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 i have considered leaving with him of course as we have mentioned it (in simple conversations in the past), but what does "Nothing will change unless you do" means?
TAV Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I have considered moving there under circumstances and we have talked about "if we ever lived together" but that's all now. I am doing all the effort now, yes. As for where we live, I live in Greece and he live sin Turkey. We are both thirty something, he quit his job recaintly but found a new one. He doesn't like the fact that he needs a visa to visit me, while I don't. We always meet each other in istanbul (he lives far away from there but this is where we first met). He conciders that we both have one hour flight to istanbul and we meet "in the middle". Yes he pays for almost everything and I have offered to pay only few things. I don't know what "when the right time comes" means. He lives with his parents and siblings. We meet for 5-6 days and stay at hotel. I have met his friend, brother and a cousin. Also I haven't see where he lives as I haven't still been there. He invited me at his town at the beginning and I asked him to meet m the middle (istanbul). The issue with communication is that we only talk few times a week and not everyday like we used to. I am not experienced in LDR and any advice-opinion would help! Thank you!! Yes, getting a visa can be a pain in the ass (I used to help people out getting one as part of my job way back) and I know about the whole Turkey/Greece thing. But I still think he should be willing to go through the trouble to get one and see where you live, what your country is like etc. I also think that goes for you; if you are serious about building a life together you need to see where he comes from, what his family is like etc. You can't build your dreams on air. It should be one of the things you could actually discuss when you talk and those talks could strengthen your bond. I think you complain more and are somewhat dissatisfied with the relationship because you are ready for the next phase. More commitment, concrete plans for the future. I think you need to decide for yourself what you want out of this relationship and what you need from him to make you feel secure, besides promises. And then you need to find out how much he is willing to give. I know the times you are together are wonderful, that is a good thing in itself, but to prevent yourself from heartache in the future you have to take these rose coloured glasses off for a bit and examine your relationship closely. 4
Author Cityanna Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Your words really help me to understand more. I really appreciate it!
justwhoiam Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I live in Greece and he live sin Turkey. ... He lives with his parents and siblings. Does he have a 'progressive' family? Are they muslim? Are you? In Turkey, only 30% of women work, and they are not encouraged to work. Would you fit in the Turkish society and values/beliefs? I wouldn't underestimate practical issues, but also deeper issues, if you are considering moving to Turkey and living your life with a Turkish man. And he's past his 30s and still living with his parents and siblings. I don't know what "when the right time comes" means. Well, you need to find that out. You don't want him to string you along for years, do you? I haven't see where he lives as I haven't still been there. Do his parents know about you? Try to understand how they see your relationship with him. we only talk few times a week and not everyday like we used to. Because of his new job? Could he possibly see you as a Western girl and gaining 'experience' from that?
Author Cityanna Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Well my dear "justwhoiam", I have already thought about everything you have said... Of course I am thinking all the difficulties and the differences between both of us...I know it wouldn't be easy. I wouldn't like him to string me along for years, no. I don't know what his family is thinking about us, as i am afraid to ask! I believe that he wouldn't see me like that (and gain experience) but many times i have doubts too...why does it have to be so hard?
Author Cityanna Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Does he have a 'progressive' family? Are they muslim? Are you? In Turkey, only 30% of women work, and they are not encouraged to work. Would you fit in the Turkish society and values/beliefs? I wouldn't underestimate practical issues, but also deeper issues, if you are considering moving to Turkey and living your life with a Turkish man. And he's past his 30s and still living with his parents and siblings. Well, you need to find that out. You don't want him to string you along for years, do you? Do his parents know about you? Try to understand how they see your relationship with him. Because of his new job? Could he possibly see you as a Western girl and gaining 'experience' from that? How can I find out all these???
Allumere Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 How can I find out all these??? You ask. If you aren't asking these questions directly then you have to ask yourself why. There is no way you can even begin to consider a future with him until these topics are discussed....and that is really for the both of you. 2
Author Cityanna Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 You ask. If you aren't asking these questions directly then you have to ask yourself why. There is no way you can even begin to consider a future with him until these topics are discussed....and that is really for the both of you. i guess i am afraid to ask...I'll ask though!
justwhoiam Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I don't know what his family is thinking about us, as i am afraid to ask! How can I find out??? Ok. This is how you could do that: While talking to him, the first chance you get, you tell him the following: "I'm thinking of coming there to visit this Summer (next June, or any other time), but I would like to meet your family this time. What do you think? Do they know about me already? Did you talk to them?" And then see what he says. If he starts saying it's more convenient for you to just stay in Istanbul, or suggests a different location, you have your answer. He's avoiding that you meet his parents, or either, he's not comfortable with introducing you to his family. I believe that he wouldn't see me like that (and gain experience) but many times i have doubts too... Well, it's good that you are doubting that. Sorry for being blunt but, are you having sex with this guy? I guess that a muslim guy won't respect a girl having sex before marriage. And I doubt he would consider marrying one like that, unless he's very open, or has a very progressive family. But I guess they tend to be very traditional, especially if they live in a rural area. It is very likely that many things are just forbidden. Like celebrating birthdays, or celebrating other holidays you're used to celebrate. You wouldn't have a balanced, 50/50 relationship. You would need to adapt and change your life. Unfortunately, most muslims won't tolerate different behaviors than what they teach and follow. I have worked with muslims but from other areas (not Turkey), so I'm not sure about your specific case. But their women didn't work and were not allowed to. The worst case I've known is the wife couldn't go out of home alone, only if accompanied by a man of the family (husband, brother, father). Then, you can give him this link: We the Women Are in Taksim in Istanbul on the 8th of March! and ask him: what do you think about this? And you'll get to know his views and what kind of life you might have with him. You need to know more about him and his ideas. And in most cases, you shouldn't have sex.
Author Cityanna Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Ok. This is how you could do that: While talking to him, the first chance you get, you tell him the following: "I'm thinking of coming there to visit this Summer (next June, or any other time), but I would like to meet your family this time. What do you think? Do they know about me already? Did you talk to them?" And then see what he says. If he starts saying it's more convenient for you to just stay in Istanbul, or suggests a different location, you have your answer. He's avoiding that you meet his parents, or either, he's not comfortable with introducing you to his family. Well, it's good that you are doubting that. Sorry for being blunt but, are you having sex with this guy? I guess that a muslim guy won't respect a girl having sex before marriage. And I doubt he would consider marrying one like that, unless he's very open, or has a very progressive family. But I guess they tend to be very traditional, especially if they live in a rural area. It is very likely that many things are just forbidden. Like celebrating birthdays, or celebrating other holidays you're used to celebrate. You wouldn't have a balanced, 50/50 relationship. You would need to adapt and change your life. Unfortunately, most muslims won't tolerate different behaviors than what they teach and follow. I have worked with muslims but from other areas (not Turkey), so I'm not sure about your specific case. But their women didn't work and were not allowed to. The worst case I've known is the wife couldn't go out of home alone, only if accompanied by a man of the family (husband, brother, father). Then, you can give him this link: We the Women Are in Taksim in Istanbul on the 8th of March! and ask him: what do you think about this? And you'll get to know his views and what kind of life you might have with him. You need to know more about him and his ideas. And in most cases, you shouldn't have sex. I am so but so confused right now, cause we have talked about things but I should ask for more answers....
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