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Destroyed xMM, how do we recover? Why is it so much harder for women??

MorbidFever

By MorbidFever
in The Other Man / Woman

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MorbidFever Established Member

MorbidFever

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It's obvious men move on a hell of a lot quicker than we do. Is it because we are unable to compartmentalize?

 

Triggers are awful. When you think you made progress AFTER MONTHS, bam! Right back to square one and that is without even having contact.

 

I found out yesterday xMM has given up his profession. The same field we are both in. His dream. His love. I'm beyond caring about anonymity so I will say he is a professional touring musician. His own band that he created. Yesterday he folded and announced his giving it up. For the most part, we know all the same people. Work with the same people. He slowly started to burn bridges after we broke up. Anyone I was known to work with or shows I was at, he burned those bridges and went as far as slandering certain people.

 

A few weeks ago I disclosed my new relationship publicly. He then started an online flame war with me. He went silent and then yesterday said he was throwing in the towel and walking away from his music. It is over, he is done and said he will be closing everything including his website.

 

I sit here and just cry and cry. I look and think of what he was, the man he was, before I walked into his life. I know I ruined him. Professionally and emotionally. How can I forgive myself for that?? This is a HUGE burden to bear and I'm typing this bawling. NOBODY understands, nobody knows what its like. I want my life back I want the old me back. I want him back. I don't want him back. I want him to be who he once was, happy and so full of life. We are both just dead now.

QuakerOats Established Member

QuakerOats

Posted
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I'm sorry you are hurting. I understand the feeling of wanting your life back. I guess that just comes with time and distance...maybe lots of it. Hang in there.

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MorbidFever Established Member

MorbidFever

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Thank you, QuakerOats. It's going on almost a year since I've seen him. That is certainly enough time and distance, I think?? Why is this so difficult? I've been through a lot of break-ups. This is just insane!

PurpleCardigan Established Member

PurpleCardigan

Posted
Posted
It's obvious men move on a hell of a lot quicker than we do. Is it because we are unable to compartmentalize?

 

Triggers are awful. When you think you made progress AFTER MONTHS, bam! Right back to square one and that is without even having contact.

 

I found out yesterday xMM has given up his profession. The same field we are both in. His dream. His love. I'm beyond caring about anonymity so I will say he is a professional touring musician. His own band that he created. Yesterday he folded and announced his giving it up. For the most part, we know all the same people. Work with the same people. He slowly started to burn bridges after we broke up. Anyone I was known to work with or shows I was at, he burned those bridges and went as far as slandering certain people.

 

A few weeks ago I disclosed my new relationship publicly. He then started an online flame war with me. He went silent and then yesterday said he was throwing in the towel and walking away from his music. It is over, he is done and said he will be closing everything including his website.

 

I sit here and just cry and cry. I look and think of what he was, the man he was, before I walked into his life. I know I ruined him. Professionally and emotionally. How can I forgive myself for that?? This is a HUGE burden to bear and I'm typing this bawling. NOBODY understands, nobody knows what its like. I want my life back I want the old me back. I want him back. I don't want him back. I want him to be who he once was, happy and so full of life. We are both just dead now.

 

I know you are hurting and you are going to have to push through the hard parts and get to the other side to find the "old you". I'm looking for the "old me", too. But see the bolded parts. He made choices, he burned bridges, you did NOT ruin him. He is responsible for his own choices. He got involved with you THEN chose to burn bridges, start online flame wars and quit his career. Do did not tie him up, hold a gun to his head and force him to do those things. These are HIS choices and HIS consequences. You did not ruin him -- his leaving his music career is his choice not yours.

 

Please focus on healing you.

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Daisy2013 Established Member

Daisy2013

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So sorry you are hurting. These relationships do a number on us for sure. One thing though. Hoe did you destroy him? Is he of age, a consenting adult? I assume he is. He made his own choice to have an A with you. I don't see you are to blame for him abandoning his career. All of is undoing is his own. Do not feel you have destroyed him!

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MorbidFever Established Member

MorbidFever

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It's true, he did decide on his own, however it wouldn't even be a factor if I didn't walk into his life. I should've walked away the moment it went from just hanging out and having fun, to, when he told me he was in love with me. I should've ended it right then! If I did, none of this would be going on at all.

jellybean89 Established Member

jellybean89

Posted
Posted
It's true, he did decide on his own, however it wouldn't even be a factor if I didn't walk into his life. I should've walked away the moment it went from just hanging out and having fun, to, when he told me he was in love with me. I should've ended it right then! If I did, none of this would be going on at all.

 

You don't know that. It could have happened with another person too.

 

We all make choices and sometimes those choices hurt many, many people. He is choosing to end his professional life. Maybe he will change his mind.

 

I get the sense that the two of you are still entangled in an emotional affair. Is it because neither of you have let go of that part? Does your new partner know of your past physical affair and possibly current emotional affair with the xMM?

 

As hard as it is, you must close the door on that relationship (the affair) if you are to ever have a healthy relationship with your new partner.

lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted

I would say there are a couple of things going on here. I don't know who ended it between you because I haven't read your backstory - but it appears he is married and you are not? I would imagine he has decided to reconcile his marriage and along with that (depending upon which theory of recovery you subscribe to) is burning connections and sometimes even changing jobs and careers. For instance, if they are following Harley (which I do not personally care for all of his advice) he is doing exactly what he prescribes. It is sad, BUT it is his choice.

 

The other thing is that if music (playing music) was something you shared together, it might really be painful for him right now and it might be painful for his BS because the music reminds him of you and it reminds his BS. I know this because it was true for me for a very long time. There was a very long time I didn't even listen to the radio and I put away certain CDs because of that. Now it's not as bad. It's not that hearing a certain song won't trigger me but it is much much better and I can quickly divert my mind and move on.

 

You have to remember there were two people involved in this relationship - not just you. He has full responsibility. You cannot take responsibility for him and his actions - only yours. Your life cannot and will not ever be the same again. You will have to create something new - something different.

 

I would encourage you to not give up your passion. I think that is a big, big mistake. I did for awhile and I wish I hadn't because I think I could have written some amazing music during that time of despair. But now I am back - performing again albeit not in quite them same genre of music xmom - and I enjoyed and I have rediscovered theater (which I loved before but xmom didn't and I pretty much set it to the side during that time) and my husband is supportive. I have met all kinds of wonderful and new people who love me and support me.

 

Let him be - I know it is hard but honey there is nothing you can do to fix it (him). And stay off the damn social media! Stop it. It doesn't help recovery - it hinders it. I am probably more adamant about that than I am anything else.

 

And be kind to yourself. You will recover - you will be fine - you will live again.

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MorbidFever Established Member

MorbidFever

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No, we are not involved in an emotional affair. Do I love him? Of course! But, we do not communicate anymore. And I am still legally married, live with husband, but I checked out of the marriage some 2 years ago. The new guy knows everything, though I am now pulling away…I don't think I'm ready yet after all this. I don't want to hurt anyone else and I have too much emotional baggage right now, I suppose it was just dormant.

 

lilmiss - that's a good point. It could be he is doing it for recovery. It's so out of nowhere. Two weeks ago he was talking about his new album and collaborating with someone else on some songs. I suppose he possibly had enough and maybe was struggling with continuing. I can imagine, while sad to give up your dream, he is probably relieved in a way. It is mind boggling, this was his LIFE. Thank you for your advice, it's great you were able to move on, while still pursing your passion. I think I will be ok, staying in. I'm sure it will help a huge amount that he will no longer be a part of the scene. That is me thinking selfishly, I truly am heartbroken for him.

RickFox Established Member

RickFox

Posted
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Just wanted to tell you Morbid, not every male gets over it that quickly, as you know through our talks.

 

Yes, he made choices, yes he is probably hurt, but I guess nothing can change that. What's done is done. I have a friend that says, sometimes things are best left to fate.

 

I can tell you that are many many times, I hope to God that my xmw is destroyed when she sees me, but then If I come across her, she never looks my way or turns away so I remind myself, it no longer matters and my life outside of the A is what matters.

 

If only we could turn back the hands of time and say NO when the opportunity presented itself, we wouldn't be emotionally effed up lmao... good lord where's my therapist :p

  • Like 2
Mickey1982 Established Member

Mickey1982

Posted
Posted
Just wanted to tell you Morbid, not every male gets over it that quickly, as you know through our talks.

 

Yes, he made choices, yes he is probably hurt, but I guess nothing can change that. What's done is done. I have a friend that says, sometimes things are best left to fate.

 

I can tell you that are many many times, I hope to God that my xmw is destroyed when she sees me, but then If I come across her, she never looks my way or turns away so I remind myself, it no longer matters and my life outside of the A is what matters.

 

If only we could turn back the hands of time and say NO when the opportunity presented itself, we wouldn't be emotionally effed up lmao... good lord where's my therapist :p

 

 

Rick, please FORGIVE me if this comes off the wrong way, but I HOPE my exMM feels even 1/1000 of the hurt you experienced. There's not a mean bone in my body, but it would help to know he feels something too......

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
It's obvious men move on a hell of a lot quicker than we do. Is it because we are unable to compartmentalize?

 

Triggers are awful. When you think you made progress AFTER MONTHS, bam! Right back to square one and that is without even having contact.

 

I found out yesterday xMM has given up his profession. The same field we are both in. His dream. His love. I'm beyond caring about anonymity so I will say he is a professional touring musician. His own band that he created. Yesterday he folded and announced his giving it up. For the most part, we know all the same people. Work with the same people. He slowly started to burn bridges after we broke up. Anyone I was known to work with or shows I was at, he burned those bridges and went as far as slandering certain people.

 

A few weeks ago I disclosed my new relationship publicly. He then started an online flame war with me. He went silent and then yesterday said he was throwing in the towel and walking away from his music. It is over, he is done and said he will be closing everything including his website.

 

I sit here and just cry and cry. I look and think of what he was, the man he was, before I walked into his life. I know I ruined him. Professionally and emotionally. How can I forgive myself for that?? This is a HUGE burden to bear and I'm typing this bawling. NOBODY understands, nobody knows what its like. I want my life back I want the old me back. I want him back. I don't want him back. I want him to be who he once was, happy and so full of life. We are both just dead now.

 

 

 

 

 

Why are you upset that your OM is maning up. Affairs are wrong. He knows this and also is honest that he needs NC with those that were involved with his affair. Then to follow up with changing his life style to one where it no longer makes it easy to cheat on his BW.

 

 

Unbelievable to mourn the end of doing something that was evil.

Mickey1982 Established Member

Mickey1982

Posted
Posted
Why are you upset that your OM is maning up. Affairs are wrong. He knows this and also is honest that he needs NC with those that were involved with his affair. Then to follow up with changing his life style to one where it no longer makes it easy to cheat on his BW.

 

 

Unbelievable to mourn the end of doing something that was evil.

 

 

Why are you being so mean to someone who is in so much pain? I guess it is just me, but I have a really difficult time bashing someone who is already feeling hurt no matter what the reason and/or circumstances may be.

lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted

Road has one way of looking at things - that's all.

 

The pain is very real and it will take time. It is like death - I am so sorry. One step at a time.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

Maybe this IS his attempt to start a new life.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
Rick, please FORGIVE me if this comes off the wrong way, but I HOPE my exMM feels even 1/1000 of the hurt you experienced. There's not a mean bone in my body, but it would help to know he feels something too......

 

He does!!!!

Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted

Well OP I see it a different way. You announced a new R to the world and he's probably seen it. He could be reacting to YOU moving on and wondering why it's so easy for you and not him. I would think if he were going to give up his music and the things that remind him of you it would have been done almost immediately and he wouldn't have been crowing about a new album a few weeks ago.

 

I agree with the other posters who are saying you are not responsible for his life. Poor diddums needed you to protect him by walking away? He could have said 'no' at a million different points and he would have protected himself and his family. He made the choice not to.

 

Don't you dare take the blame for his bad choices. You shouldn't do that any more than his BS should.

  • Like 1
Mickey1982 Established Member

Mickey1982

Posted
Posted
He does!!!!

 

Oh popsicle! I hope so!

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