Shatteredwife Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 My first post all kindly take it easy on me. It all started when I had a affair over 11 years back and my reason to have a affair was husband was not emotionally available & me being a emotional touchy feely person missed that part in my marriage. Hubby came to know & he confronted me and I owned up to the whole thing and I told him I chose him over the other person. About 3 and half years ago I was booking a flight through our Qantas frequent flyers and came across a booking for both my husband and another lady. I asked him and he denied it and said must be a glitch and I was stupid enough to believe it all. About 4 days back he came home and told me that he was married to someone else and this happened over 4 months ago. So in the last 3 and half years he has been living with both of us. In his head he had compartmentalized his two marriages. When I asked him why he did it he said he does not know and he thought no one will ever come to know. Now coming to the actual thing we have been married for 20 years and known each other for over 24 years. He is the only person who has been constant in my life. In spite of him telling me all this I still want to be with him. I am prepared to work through it all and give it a go. What do you all think?
anne1707 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 The first thing that comes to mind is that is your H legally married to this woman? This will depend on where you live, otherwise he would be a bigamist and risks prison for what he has done. The second thing is what had your husband said or done since you found out about all this? Has he said he wants to make it work with you? Has he told the other woman about you and ended it with her? He is in this very deep and if he is not prepared to work on this then there is no chance for your marriage.
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Shattered wife, He forgave your affair didn't he? Now you must forgive his affair. Then you go through the same process that you did when he found out about your cheating, (except now the roles are reversed.) You need legal advice about this claim of his that he is "married" to someone else, otherwise he could be in hot water over that. Personally, I think your marriage is dead in the water as neither of you seems to have any respect for the vows you took. However, only you can decide whether you want to end it or not. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Sounds like your in Australia...would love to know how he pulled off a second marriage as you most certainly cannot be married to two people and his second marriage will be null and void. I suspect he has gone and had a destination wedding overseas and has not registered it in Australia. The bigger question...what made him fess up now?
Author Shatteredwife Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Yes we are in Australia and the reason he fessed up was cause she came to know about it and asked him to come clean to all parties involved.
lollipopspot Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Shocking. But at least you're not one of these wives: Doctor Led Three Lives With Three Wives : Polygamy: Stanford professor never divorced and kept households with each of the women. Truth emerged after his death in August. - Los Angeles Times This guy had 3 wives - and they didn't know about each other. The level of deceit with actually marrying another person just seems over the top to me. Affairs happen all the time. Usually the affair partner knows that the person is married, certainly by the time it gets serious. But lying to two spouses seems almost sociopathic to me. At some point it seems like you're going to get caught if only because of the paperwork. OP, what does the other woman want to do about it now? 1
Author Shatteredwife Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 The other woman is in the same boat as me not sure about what to do. I am all over one moment I want to give it a go and the other I am very angry about all the lies and deceit
fellini Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Aside from the various legal comments, "What should I do" I take it to mean, emotionally. I think this situation cannot be reduced to WS/BS so easily, nor is it a typical affair. Betrayal there is. In your heart of hearts, if you want to give this a go, then why not try? Both of you have shown the capacity to cheat in the past, but as importantly, both have shown the capacity to overcome the betrayal. Now some will argue that his recent activities will prove me wrong. But I think what we are talking about is what YOU can do, not him. If you want him, it sounds like you have to show him what you are capable of and then see if a) he goes monogamous and NC with the other (i.e. he chooses you over her) and b) if your marriage can be rebuilt in a way that satisfies both of you. Sitting around LS and thinking about all of this you might just find out that she has done what you need to do and he has made his move.
excusememister Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Are there any children born of either union? This is complicated enough with two marriages/two spouses and kids will complicate things further.
VeronicaRoss Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 This is a pretty shocking situation, you may not be able to make a decision until the shock is over. My vote is you get counseling. You need a lot more support than we at LS can offer. 1
whatatangledweb Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) You can try to work through just as many of us do. He would need to end all contact with this OW. Blocking all ways for her to contact him. I looked up bigamy and it is illegal in the majority of countries. The second marriage is void. Now how he gets outs of it without being charged with bigamy is beyond me. He could divorce her but she may turn him in. But then you could also. Does he say what he wants? I am sorry you are going through this. Saw that you are in Auatralia. Wow..they have the harshest punishment. Australia: Illegal. Up to 10 years imprisonment Edited March 30, 2014 by whatatangledweb adding
Author Shatteredwife Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 There are no children in both the relationships. He does not know what he wants neither do I! It is the toughest thing I have gone through in my life. Happy to work with him to sort things out cause I do love & care for him though he has put me through this.
nais Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 You had an affair but he got married- hard to justify the two as being the same thing. He is breaking the law I believe, and despite how long you have stayed- he married someone else.
thummper Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You're NOT stupid, Shattered. You love your husband, no matter what the rascal has done. Try to forgive each other if you possibly can. I know it'll be hard. Good luck to you.
Arieswoman Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 JT, You said Um, excuse me? Sorry, that is not how relationships work. The OP said they wanted to stay in the relationship. If they want to stay that's what they must do. That's why reconciling after betrayal is so hard - the BS must totally forgive the affair before they can move forward. (There is also a lot of work that the cheater needs to do, but this thread is about the BS)
Author Shatteredwife Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 You're NOT stupid, Shattered. You love your husband, no matter what the rascal has done. Try to forgive each other if you possibly can. I know it'll be hard. Good luck to you. Thanks for that & yes in spite all of this I do love him. We have grown up together.
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 This marriage needs an immediate dose of honesty. Unless you two can be honest with one another, than there is no marriage to save. He has to be willing to have an honest conversation with you. He has to be willing to sever the other relationship and enter counseling. Until he is about to do that, then I recommend the 180 approach. He can't be allowed to eat his cake and have it too. However, I highly doubt that he can be that honest with you. He has been lying for so long that it has become his modus operandi. I recommend that you consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but you need to be able to make good decisions, should that become necessary. Also, I know he has been the constant in your life, but this isn't like your affair. You had sex with another individual, he (supposedly) married the woman. This takes things to a whole new level. His selfishness is off the charts and could not have been more disrespectful to your marriage. You really need to spend some time apart to make a less emotion laden decision. You may love him, but you also have to respect yourself.
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