DannyCA Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 So I have gone on a couple dates with this girl and everything seems really good. We're clicking really well and I think things are going pretty good (actually really good). But I can't help but be a little cynical. This girl broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years a couple weeks ago. Even though I don't pin over my ex anymore, I don't feel ready nor do I really want to be in a committed relationship even after all this time. So with that being said if this girl is just using me as a way to heal from ex, I don't really care. Now I know not every case is 100% the same but I can't help but relate things i've read on LS to what she has told me. She wanted to break up with him since New years, but didn't until March (checked out of the relationship) She said he was being distant, etc but never said what she did wrong (putting all the blame on him to justify the BU) Idk why I am contemplating this but she just got out of a 4 year relationship, but we're already kinda seeing each other. I can't help but think sometimes "damn, was it this easy for my ex to move on?" Now don't get me wrong this girl is super cool and down to earth and I'm starting to like her a little. But with what she's told me I can't help but wonder things like: Is she that cold she can start seeing me right after a 4 year relationship? Was the relationship actually really crappy so it was easy to move on? Was she just bored? What's the deal? I'm just going to enjoy her company and try to have fun cause like I said I'm not looking for anything serious. But idk what to think sometimes. Is anyone really ready for a new relationship a couple weeks after a 4 year one? Sorry I think about random things sometimes and I'm just curious what other people think? If you were in my position what would you think of this?
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Awesome you have your radar on full blast looking for the slightest sign of trouble I only hope I can do the same next time around... I think you're right. Seems like Red Flag central to me. But as long as you know what you're getting into and don't expect anything beyond that... well then who cares!! Bravo 3
bluegreen Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 As it seems she is cold little icicle 4 years is long time even if she does not cry bitter tears she should feel something enough of it to be called sorrow. But if you are not looking for anything but "fun" partner then there are no worries who is to say she will hang on long enough around you to and by her own decision ?
Author DannyCA Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Awesome you have your radar on full blast looking for the slightest sign of trouble I only hope I can do the same next time around... I think you're right. Seems like Red Flag central to me. But as long as you know what you're getting into and don't expect anything beyond that... well then who cares!! Bravo Yeah man, I don't want to sound cynical but I have zero expectations for myself and this girl to go anywhere. And that doesn't bother me. If I am just a rebound, I don't really care. She may have had a really good reason to break up with him, I mean idk the whole story, that's between her and her ex. In a way I kinda wish she was the one who got dumped because then I wouldn't feel as guilty. Because theoretically, I'm the new douchebag who is dating the heartless dumper. I'm the guy the dumpee is sitting at home getting pissed about. Hell, I'm the guy right now that I was getting pissed at when my ex broke up with me. So yeah I kinda wish she was the one who got dumped cause then I would be able to relate to her and help her move on from the POS dumper who left her cold like my ex did, but that's not the case. Cause after all I wish there was a girl there for me right after me and my ex split that could have helped me move on. Sometimes I can't help but picture this girl as my ex, out having a good time with some guy (me) while the ex (me a year ago) sits at home mad, angry, confused, hurt, etc. Haha maybe I'm just thinking about it too much As it seems she is cold little icicle 4 years is long time even if she does not cry bitter tears she should feel something enough of it to be called sorrow. But if you are not looking for anything but "fun" partner then there are no worries who is to say she will hang on long enough around you to and by her own decision ? There's no saying how long she will stick around, honestly I don't have any expectations either. I'm just here for the ride. 2
elseaacych Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 This may be kind of a goofy thing to recommend, but if you don't want a committed relationship right away, set up lots of dates with lots of different people. Get to know lots of people, so if this one is giving you red flags, you have someone else to go out with. That's the best part of being single.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Danny - You are really looking at this from all angles. Excellent!!!!
Author DannyCA Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 This may be kind of a goofy thing to recommend, but if you don't want a committed relationship right away, set up lots of dates with lots of different people. Get to know lots of people, so if this one is giving you red flags, you have someone else to go out with. That's the best part of being single. No that doesn't sound goofy at all! It's just that I might feel a little weird about seeing several women at the same time. I've never been the player type, so (even if it's just dates and not actually "seeing" several women,) I might feel weird. I think that's what screwed me over so much with my last ex. She was my most serious GF to date, SHE talked about marriage, SHE talked about kids, SHE talked about what dogs we were gonna get, SHE talked about where we should live. After I started to reciprocate the settling down thing, she bailed. I'm 22 and finishing up my bachelors degree right now. Being in college for the past several years I've never wanted to settle down with anyone even though I wasn't running around seeing all these women. She changed my whole perspective on settling down, and I made a lot of mistakes towards the end and after the relationship with her. That won't happen again Danny - You are really looking at this from all angles. Excellent!!!! Thanks man! Even though I just want to enjoy her company and have fun, I can't help but look at it from different angles/perspectives. Hey, out of curiosity, what would you do in my situation??
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 SHE talked about marriage, SHE talked about kids, SHE talked about what dogs we were gonna get, SHE talked about where we should live. After I started to reciprocate the settling down thing, she bailed. Unfortunately, this is quite common. Kind of the 'want what you can't have' thing... As soon as you started to show agreement in her plan, she wasn't into it any more. Sucks!!! Man, you are still pretty young. You do NOT need to be thinking about any of those things for a while yet. Enjoy your life for a while. Explore. Experience. Enjoy. There will be plenty of time for marriage, kids and all that later!! Just look at poor Al Bundy
Author DannyCA Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Unfortunately, this is quite common. Kind of the 'want what you can't have' thing... As soon as you started to show agreement in her plan, she wasn't into it any more. Sucks!!! Man, you are still pretty young. You do NOT need to be thinking about any of those things for a while yet. Enjoy your life for a while. Explore. Experience. Enjoy. There will be plenty of time for marriage, kids and all that later!! Just look at poor Al Bundy Haha yeah funny thing is I didn't get a lot of that humor from Married with Children until I got older lol. But also again out of curiosity, I noticed you live in Portland. I'm gonna assume it's Portland, OR and not Portland, ME. I'm gonna visit a buddy in Seattle in the beginning of May for a couple days. Anything rad to do up there?
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Haha yeah funny thing is I didn't get a lot of that humor from Married with Children until I got older lol. But also again out of curiosity, I noticed you live in Portland. I'm gonna assume it's Portland, OR and not Portland, ME. I'm gonna visit a buddy in Seattle in the beginning of May for a couple days. Anything rad to do up there? LOL!! Got older?? When exactly did 22 become 'older'??? Portland seems cool, but I just got up here a few weeks ago. Definitely some good mountain biking if you're into that. Lots of cool bars and the beer scene is epic
Author DannyCA Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 LOL!! Got older?? When exactly did 22 become 'older'??? Portland seems cool, but I just got up here a few weeks ago. Definitely some good mountain biking if you're into that. Lots of cool bars and the beer scene is epic Well I should have elaborated. Probably not the best show to be watching at a young age but I watched a lot of that show when I was like 10. Now that I'm older (as in a young adult and not a child) I get more of the humor. But cool thats good to know about the beer scene. I live out in Orange County, but lived in San Diego for a while and the beer scene was pretty good out there. A ton of great IPA's in SD. I'm pretty stoked to check out the North West's beer scene.
DontBreakEven Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yeah man, I don't want to sound cynical but I have zero expectations for myself and this girl to go anywhere. And that doesn't bother me. If I am just a rebound, I don't really care. She may have had a really good reason to break up with him, I mean idk the whole story, that's between her and her ex. In a way I kinda wish she was the one who got dumped because then I wouldn't feel as guilty. Because theoretically, I'm the new douchebag who is dating the heartless dumper. I'm the guy the dumpee is sitting at home getting pissed about. Hell, I'm the guy right now that I was getting pissed at when my ex broke up with me. So yeah I kinda wish she was the one who got dumped cause then I would be able to relate to her and help her move on from the POS dumper who left her cold like my ex did, but that's not the case. Cause after all I wish there was a girl there for me right after me and my ex split that could have helped me move on. Sometimes I can't help but picture this girl as my ex, out having a good time with some guy (me) while the ex (me a year ago) sits at home mad, angry, confused, hurt, etc. Haha maybe I'm just thinking about it too much There's no saying how long she will stick around, honestly I don't have any expectations either. I'm just here for the ride. You sound like a really good guy, Danny. I definitely think you are way more aware rather than cynical. That is awesome.
Breadimus Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) Right old mate this is how it is. A woman will stay with a man until she no longer has any attraction for him. They are hard wired to be with a partner who is the Aragorn of their world, but once you start showing less than desirable qualities that detract from your masculinity, she is going to leave. If she deeply loved you she is going to give you time to get back to being that man but if it doesn't appear that it will be the case, they leave with no feelings because these feelings were exhausted, hence the moving on so quickly. Many men complain and state that the woman they love leaved them at a low point in their life, this is because it is at a time when we are the least like the man our women fell in love with. Dante in his works stated a Woman falls in love with a man who is, but leaves a man who will be. Pretty much this means if you a woman falls in love with you, she falls in love with the you at that exact moment. If you fail to properly build attachment and you get knocked off center she will leave after a while. Ultimately it is always your fault. You failed to maintain attraction, both physically, emotionally and intellectually. Understand this and you will improve. Start chalking up this girls ex as a man who failed to maintain attraction, if you don't fail then you won't have the problem he had with her and you had with your ex. And stop going on dates, improve yourself until you feel like James Bond, then women will come into your life. It is how all the best relationships start, for if a woman is truly interested in you and not just a relationship, it is like you were given the keys to the city and you 'fall' in love not manufacture staged love. Lesson over. Good luck Edited April 1, 2014 by Breadimus
Strength in Healing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Right old mate this is how it is. A woman will stay with a man until she no longer has any attraction for him. They are hard wired to be with a partner who is the Aragorn of their world, but once you start showing less than desirable qualities that detract from your masculinity, she is going to leave. If she deeply loved you she is going to give you time to get back to being that man but if it doesn't appear that it will be the case, they leave with no feelings because these feelings were exhausted, hence the moving on so quickly. Many men complain and state that the woman they love leaved them at a low point in their life, this is because it is at a time when we are the least like the man our women fell in love with. Dante in his works stated a Woman falls in love with a man who is, but leaves a man who will be. Pretty much this means if you a woman falls in love with you, she falls in love with the you at that exact moment. If you fail to properly build attachment and you get knocked off center she will leave after a while. Ultimately it is always your fault. You failed to maintain attraction, both physically, emotionally and intellectually. Understand this and you will improve. Start chalking up this girls ex as a man who failed to maintain attraction, if you don't fail then you won't have the problem he had with her and you had with your ex. And stop going on dates, improve yourself until you feel like James Bond, then women will come into your life. It is how all the best relationships start, for if a woman is truly interested in you and not just a relationship, it is like you were given the keys to the city and you 'fall' in love not manufacture staged love. Lesson over. Good luck I mean, that's pretty asinine dude. No more lessons please. Lol
Author DannyCA Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Right old mate this is how it is. A woman will stay with a man until she no longer has any attraction for him. They are hard wired to be with a partner who is the Aragorn of their world, but once you start showing less than desirable qualities that detract from your masculinity, she is going to leave. If she deeply loved you she is going to give you time to get back to being that man but if it doesn't appear that it will be the case, they leave with no feelings because these feelings were exhausted, hence the moving on so quickly. Many men complain and state that the woman they love leaved them at a low point in their life, this is because it is at a time when we are the least like the man our women fell in love with. Dante in his works stated a Woman falls in love with a man who is, but leaves a man who will be. Pretty much this means if you a woman falls in love with you, she falls in love with the you at that exact moment. If you fail to properly build attachment and you get knocked off center she will leave after a while. Ultimately it is always your fault. You failed to maintain attraction, both physically, emotionally and intellectually. Understand this and you will improve. Start chalking up this girls ex as a man who failed to maintain attraction, if you don't fail then you won't have the problem he had with her and you had with your ex. And stop going on dates, improve yourself until you feel like James Bond, then women will come into your life. It is how all the best relationships start, for if a woman is truly interested in you and not just a relationship, it is like you were given the keys to the city and you 'fall' in love not manufacture staged love. Lesson over. Good luck I agree with some of this. I think everyone has seen cases where the man has hit a low point. Or at the very least got way too comfortable in the relationship. And at that point let himself go, didn't pay attention to his GF, stop being masculine in her eyes, etc. The same can go for women though, the man can lose attraction to her because she was losing certain qualities, whatever that may be. But I haven't been looking for dates since my ex. I've just seen some women casually. This girl was interested in me first and I heard that through a mutual friend. But regardless I still don't have any hopes for it to turn into a relationship nor do I want one. I mean, that's pretty asinine dude. No more lessons please. Lol Idk, I agree with some of what he said. Yet I don't think what he said can be applied to every relationship and breakup
Recommended Posts