Boyfriend broke up with me because he likes my best friend?

[jamie353352]

betrayed - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

I met my ex-boyfriend six months ago in a dating website and we hit it of instantly and we ended dating seriously after a few weeks. I was his first "official" girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend. We soon started having sexual relations after a month of dating (i was a virgin too -.-) and so we began to form a closer relationship. My initial though was, "he got what he wanted, hes going to leave", well a few months later he was still there. He became integrated with my family (got my sister a job where he works) and he got involved in a lot of my life. A few month ago i introduced him to my what at the time i considered my best friend. I had only met her a year ago but I became rather close and she had become an integrated part of my circle of friends at the University.

 

At first he was put off by her constant talking and very loud personality but after we hanged out more often he began to like her. About a month ago he confessed he had a crush on her and he wanted to be honest with me. He told me that honesty was important in our relationship and that I shouldn't worry over the crush because he was in love with me and a crush meant that nothing was ever going to happen.

 

So while i was dating my boyfriend I began to get a lot of added stress in my life, i became severely depressed to the point i wanted to commit suicide. Afterwards, my "friend" went and told my boyfriend and both of the insisted on getting me helped because they loved me. They went with me through my psychiatric sessions and helped me.

 

We hanged out even more as the three of us and about a month ago i agreed stupidly to have a nap in the same bed, the three of us. I caught him two times groping her and touching her and i was about to break up with him. She took me out of there when she found out and she convinced me that night to stay with him because it was honest accident and he loved me. I told her everything. I told her about the crush and after that I felt like she was purposelessly getting closer. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar I and immediately got placed in medication.

 

I began to have manias and began to aggressively attack people. Attacking them verbally and emotionally. My boyfriend was one of my victims as well as my "friend" and i deleted her from my life and refused to talk things out with her because i felt that she as trying to get close and steal my boyfriend. This attacks and manias went on for a month until I lost all my friends last week. They deleted me and blocked me as well as refused to have any contact with me.

 

My boyfriend stayed by my side regardless of how i humiliated and treated him saying that he loved me and would always be there. While this was going on we still had our good dates and had sex almost every other day. Then my boyfriend began to distant himself from me since last Saturday, after my friends left my side. He began to have more sex with me but distant himself, stopped responding to some of my messages and there were days he refused to see me, just talked and text. Then finally after out six month anniversary, on the 24th he messaged me saying he loved me like i couldn't imagine and that i was his best friend. I though everything was fine.

 

Then on Wednesday he asked me for a break and i refused to have it so he broke up with me under the conditions that it was undefined and he was going to think about it. If he changed his mind he would let me know. He still picked up my sister for work and kept constant contact with her asking her how i was and if i was okay. He would tell her how he missed the old me, before all this bipolar tantrums, and how he needed his space and wanted to come back.

 

I began posting on Facebook a lot of positive things and he would read them and not sleep at all. After that I got upset and told him if he wasn't going to be with me on my worst side then i didn't want him on my good side. I told him straight out that if he wasn't going to be with me on my bad than he didnt deserve my good. He was on the line and said "Why? ... I told you i didnt want the break up ... i wanted a break" Then after that he just said "Okay if thats what you want." I attempted to make him jealous and i started posting statuses where i mentioned this guy he was extremely jealous of was flirting with me and messaging me.

 

After his I want to come back speech he went and told my sister he was giving me though love. This was the only way i would ever get better. He felt that i didn't need him in my life and he was going to step aside for that other guy. then he was telling my sister he was proud of how i was becoming more strong and changing positively without him and i showed him that i didn't need him. He also said that he knew my rock bottom was losing him and that after i hit rock bottom i was going to get better from then on. It was a way of showing me though love. He deleted me from Facebook because "it hurt him" to see my post and he couldn't sleep because he constantly kept looking at it.

 

Hours later, he told me to call him and he told that if I wanted to know the truth on why he ended things, i told him yes. He said he had feelings for someone else. "as we started hanging out longer things happened and i felt the chemistry between us and I want to talk to her about it" i asked him if it was her and he said yeah. after that i acted very cool, calm and collective and I told him that i would support that decision if that made him happy. I even called her and made asked her as a woman to woman what she was feeling and if she said she liked him that way too told me that these past two weeks they been seeking comfort in each other and she couldn't help feeling this way. i told here right there and then that i would step aside because i truly love him and I would let him be happy with her if she could promise me that. she told me she admired me for actually calling her and giving her the heart of the one person whom i loved, that she has been in that same situation and never in hell would she have been able to do that.

 

So last night he was sitting with my sister telling her that hypothetical situation on where if the person was conflicted in having feelings of for an individual who was treating him like crap and making him miserable and woman who offered him comfort showed up what would he do in that situation? Would he pick love and misery and risk things not getting better or try it with this other girl? He claims he lost is love for me during that mouth period as the feelings slowly started to die but right before he broke up things he told me he was upset that I used to tell him he deserved better and I tried to break up with to send him to someone else. Even after he told me his feeling for her he mentioned that I was the one pushing for him and Norma to work and how he was going to wait a while before they did anything.

 

So now that things are blown over I cant help but to keep wanting to know what happened. At least for peace of mind. Did he ever actually love me and still does only just got confused because of the comfort she provided him? Or was there something going on, and they found the perfect way to reveal their affair in a way where there would be no one to blame but me? I am so confused. i even told him today on the phone if this confusing was going on for two weeks why now? We had sex for two weeks straight and he was there with me every step of the way telling me he loved me! Why now? Why did he all of sudden realized he had feelings for her? He said that he knows he ****ed up on that aspect. why would he tell my sister all that other **** and at the end of the day say ... i have strong feelings for her? Its never going to work between us again. We tried it, it failed. Why now?

 

I think i pressured him into making that decision. If he was confused about both of us i feel like i pushed him out to the my "friend's arms". i feel like hes still in his infatuation/comfort stage with her and at the end of the day his feelings were still there and when he found out about the other guy he just completely said "I see your talking to that guy now and your listening and making decisions because hes getting in your head" this is what he said yesterday when i called him that i didn't want anything with him if he wasn't going to be there through my worst. He said the other guy was feeding things in my mind and why the hell i was listening to him.and he just gave up.i dont understand how his feelings just gave out like that especially when he kept on telling me he loved me and last week we had a pregnancy scare and he was delighted and now things ended up this bad. i dont know if i should feel like i pushed him to that or he has always been a dick and knew that he wanted my friend since the very beginning. Please help?

[flight E]

I think what you need the most is to relax, go no contact so you can think clearly. Both of you had something going on. Don't push him further away if you love him by making his dating your friend an issue. Make sure you don not talk to your friend or him again until you have settled your mind down. After that come back and tell us what going on again

[Kaiten]

****, this is all over the place. I'll do my best though.

 

Since you're asking me. I'm not a doctor, but I feel like you are leaning on this whole "I'm depressed, I'm bipolar" thing. So first stop doing that. Unless your life is just so bad that you are physically hurting people then I wouldn't even take that medication.

Learn to control yourself.

 

I was with you until you said that you tried to make him jealous on Facebook. There's nothing that makes a guy feel more unappreciated than that. It's likely he could sense what you were doing. Also, that makes a man feel like he is wasting his time with you when you do that to him. When you do that in a relationship you are doing something that often causes irreparable damage. (Or at the very least, takes hella time to fix)

 

I am not a firm believer in "breaks" in a relationship. Why? because when people take a break in a relationship, they go and they talk to people.

 

They talk to their friends.

 

Friends are good, but they don't know the relationship like the people in it. They often give advice that is misguided or worse, they aren't exactly keen on seeing you and your significant other together. What I am saying is that more often than not, friends (who are receiving a biased version of what happened) will encourage the friend to end it, for the sake of less stress. (is that the best option? Who could say but you two?) I'm not trying to scare you. Just keeping it real.

 

Now as for you specifically...

 

It's not easy when you are young and you are trying to make your first relationship work. Also, a lot is hidden when you meet someone online. I will say this: All the best friends I have right now I met online. And the people I knew and grew up with, decided they didn't like me simply because I stopped attending church. So a good relationship is not limited to meeting in person. Kudos to you for taking a chance and going for it.

 

Unfortunately, things don't always work in our favor. The best thing to do is to let him do what he wants. Better than the alternative, which is to drive him nuts contacting him.

[jamie353352]

I've tried to stay away from both of them but the thought keeps plaguing my mind. Now I cant help but to think my ex-boyfriend isnt worth anything if he decided to pursue something with MY BEST FRIEND. There were earlier signs for this but i ignored them becuase I wanted to believe his words. When I caught him groping my friend he promised me he was going to make it up to me and it was something he regretted the most but he got closer and closer to her while he lied to me about it. In the two weeks that **** happened he all of a sudden realized he had feelings for her? In all truth i think we both are getting played.

[jamie353352]

She developed feelings for him that is true but the fact is that she is still considering whats going on and when i contacted them both my ex was annoyed at the fact that she is very hesitant and he thinks she might want anything with him at all. He was hostile, rude, and just plain out an ass saying i was forcing both of them together and that i was trying to manipulate him into returning to him. He told me they weren't going to get together till she thought about it real good and after a grace period. He said he wasnt ready to jump into another relationship after ours has just ended. He told me again that we were done, that the feelings he strongly felt were gone. I even asked him why would he tell my sister that he wanted the "old me" back and if i would ever forgive him and take him back because it was his intention to come back to me. He told me he meant every word but not he wasn't going to come back to me anymore because the feelings weren't there and that he wasn't going to cheat on my friend because he really liked her. I asked him about every kiss and every time we had sex this last couple of days meant anything and he said they meant everything but now there is nothing that he wants to do with me because his feelings are gone to move on! I tried to break up with him during those two weeks and he begged me crying every time not to end things because he loved me and that he realized I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. He was already even talking babies to me saying that being with me made him consider the possibility of being a father. He has always been a strict believer no kids yet because he is barely 21, hasn't started school yet, and wishes to have a career before he settles down, in about 5 years but the day I scared him with the potential pregnancy he came over to my house after work and lied down in my bed telling me about how he was thinking about kids and what would we name them. Even my sister was next to him at work when I sent him the playful text. "congratulations babe!" Afterwards I sent him pictures of baby bottles, babies, and a family of three and sent him a follow up text a few minutes later saying "all that is NOT in your near future!" He read the congratulations part and the baby things that he got so excited telling my sister with a grin in his face "shes lying!" He called me to confirm i was not and I said "yeah" he sounded pretty dissapointed afterwards. THAT WAS A WEEK AGO! He was telling me when he asked for a break how he was afraid that things were going to remain the same. That I might not get better and if we ever went through something traumatic together in our future that he wasn't sure what was going to happen then. If he was going to be strong enough to handle that. He just didn't want that "drama" and that possible future to come true. He said he wasn't sure about what we had anymore. I blew up on him and in a hurt rage i threw everything he gave me in his face, tore up a book series he gave me, and slapped him three times. When I broke the NC rule, all he could remember was every negative thing I told him. He told me all the things that were hurting him. He never once mentioned everything good that we had. We had a rough month but it didnt think it was enough to break up with me and leave me for my friend because his feelings "slowly died".

[flight E]

U can see things can only get worse if you don't let him be for now. Your boyfriend I mean ex, is quite a decent person. He has been reasonable honest with you. Try and stay nc for now. Let things cool off. Focus on you. It's d only option you have unless you want everything to get uglier

[jamie353352]

Currently Where we all stand

She developed feelings for him that is true but the fact is that she is still considering whats going on and when i contacted them both my ex was annoyed at the fact that she is very hesitant and he thinks she might want anything with him at all. He was hostile, rude, and just plain out an ass saying i was forcing both of them together and that i was trying to manipulate him into returning to him. He told me they weren't going to get together till she thought about it real good and after a grace period. He said he wasnt ready to jump into another relationship after ours has just ended. He told me again that we were done, that the feelings he strongly felt were gone. I even asked him why would he tell my sister that he wanted the "old me" back and if i would ever forgive him and take him back because it was his intention to come back to me. He told me he meant every word but not he wasn't going to come back to me anymore because the feelings weren't there and that he wasn't going to cheat on my friend because he really liked her. I asked him about every kiss and every time we had sex this last couple of days meant anything and he said they meant everything but now there is nothing that he wants to do with me because his feelings are gone to move on!

 

A little more of what happened this last few weeks ...

I tried to break up with him countless times during those two weeks and he begged me crying every time not to end things because he loved me and that he realized I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. The first time that I noticed my pills had an odd effect in my body had been two days after the groping incident. Since my wound was still fresh. I started going into more anxiety attacks than normal. I went through a serious of tantrums, anger, and depression. For every little thing i would get so pissed off, especially when it came to my boyfriend and my friend. I told her and him that I wanted things to stay the same as before. I didnt want anything to change. I wanted us to continue hanging out the three of us let things settle from there but things were just to painful.

 

The thing is that my feelings of anxiety grew and my fears heightened with the pills and triggered manias where I believe all my friends especially the one that we had the incident with, were plotting against me. I told her to stay away and she went and told my boyfriend that (they are coworkers too) and he was pissed saying I didn't even trust him. He wasn't a cheater and that if there was no trust in our relationship we didn't have one. I got angry and I snapped at him and we argued on the phone. I thought he broke up with me and I went into a hysteria. I attacked my friend over text, it hurt her feelings and that caused her to distance herself from me. He got confused too and thought I broke up with him. He started spamming my phone with pictures of us together and saying how much he loved me. I texted him "Decided to torture me after you broke up with me? Wow. You are one sadistic dude" He called me immediately, crying on the phone. He was at work and he was telling me how he didnt want thing to end between us and it was embarrassing to be crying at work. I told him okay and we talked for an hour before his break ended at work. After that we said we would talk it out. That morning after he got out of work, he was going to take my friend to fix her truck. She came over to my house and took her things she had left previously and i asked her if we could talk. She said no and walked out of my house. My boyfriend didnt even bother to come in and say hi. I took my pill and then I got left alone with my thoughts. I texted my boyfriend "why didnt you get down to say hi?" He didnt respond to my text. 30 minutes later I sent him a long message about how I didnt want to lose him and I was too anxious about us. I asked him to call me but there was not respond. My anxiety again heightened to the point where it triggered an episode of a mania. I saw he left his jacket at my house and infuriated I got out of my bed dressed and decided to walk to his house to break up with him officially. The mechanic that had my friend's car called me and that he couldnt reach her and that she had given the wrong part. I called both their numbers but there was no respond from either of them. I called her three times and then I called him 5. I was so pissed I texted him "thanks for the vote of confidence" and called him one last time where he finally answered half asleep. That pissed me off even more. I dont know if what they claimed it was true but I had felt at that moment that they were at his house doing something because while he was on the phone I heard her voice in the background. He claimed they were both napping because he was so tired. He told me someone stayed at the couch. I cant remember if he said it was him or her. He told me recently it was him but Im sure the first time it was her. I told him about the mechanic and then i told him i was walking to house to leave his crap there and to end things permanently. He panicked and asked me why and that I wasn't me at the moment, that I needed to calm down and go back home. That he would pick me up. I stubbornly refused to tell him where I was and I continued walking. Throughout the entire time he called and texted me but I ignored them. My friend called me at that point in time and I answered her. She was like "hey! did you call me?" "Umm yeah just wanted to let you know the mechanic called me to let you know you took him the wrong part" "Oh yeah I know im on my way with your bf to fix my car." I was so upset I hung up on her and continued on. My boyfriend ended up finding me on the side street of the highway and at that time he was crying and begging me to stop and get in his car. That i wasnt myself. I just laughed everytime he said I love you and while he was asking me not to end thing i spat on him and ridiculed him in the road. I took of and dropped my glasses and he didnt chase after me because my friend was in his car waiting for him so they could finish getting her car fix. He said his priority was me but he really needed to get that done. I took of walking to the nearest stop and took the bus home and hr laster he found me a few blocks away from my house and begged me to talk to him and to not end things.

 

He told me that he was insecure himself, he had been so damn lonely that his goal was to lose weight and get a girlfriend so when the opportunity arose with me even though I kinda pushed for the relationship too soon. He was so damn desperate he took it. He told me that he had so much regrets on how we started. He told me he would of made more of an effort to get to know my family, go back and not push for sex as early as he did. (He asked about it when we first started dating and i told him I was a virgin and I believed in waiting till marriage but I was not that naive. I was aware that a relationship required sex and that I would consider it but he would have to wait. When we first started messing around sexually he tried to go all the way and i blocked him. I kept doing that for the next month. After the first time he smiled at me and said "I respect you more than anything now! I cant believe despite what we are doing you kept followed your word through" After that he didn't push for anything further and gave me my space. Of course, I ended falling into temptation after so many times that we messed around. Every time we would try something new and one thing lead to the next.) Anyways I got off topic sorry He also told me that he would of taken me out more often and he wouldn't had let his job get in the way. He was very responsible who believed responsibilities came first. Something I always admired from him and something we shared in common. He turned to me and said "The feelings weren't there when we first met and during December when I started acting cold to you and was torturing you with my break talks, it was because I was so damn scared of falling in love with you. To be honest I didn't want or think the relationship was going to last more than three months! But now ... baby I love you so much like you couldn't imagine. Your my best friend, you have made me a better person, and I want this to work so damn much. I dont want things to end right now. We are almost at six months! Dont let it just end there babe! Please ... I love you." I finally broke down and cried with I'm and I forgave him.

 

My friend after that refused to talk to me.Maybe thats where I began to suspect that an affair had happened. She went and told everyone she needed some space because she was dealing with a lot issues but she kept an extremely close relationship with my boyfriend. She texted him and called him all the time and then she would take him lunch for work. That had always been happening before the incident but it was more limited because they were barely getting to know each other and they weren't working together. Their friendship grew the more they hanged out at work. I began to get more paranoid and anxious and attacked my boyfriend and her constantly for it. I even forbid my boyfriend to talk to her, even at work and he told me that I was being unfair with him. That i was being unfair with both of them.

 

A false sense of Security

This is one of the reasons why all this caught me by surprise. I developed a false sense of security when the following insident happened. I gave him couple coupons for Valentine's Day that gave him right to a favorable treat . It was the first time he chose to redeem one. He picked a strip tease and although I've never done one. I gave it my best. His face was so lightened up and for the first time in a month we made the same passionate love that used to be common in our relationship. He laughed afterwards and told me, "damn babe Im glad I saw this side of you. If you would of come here the first day I met you and did what you just did I would of fallen in love instantly." I laughed and I looked at him. "Oh yeah? What are you feeling right now then?" He smiled at me and kissed me. "I feel like im falling in love all over again." Afterwards we fell asleep in each others arms and slept peacefully for the next few hours. I had already established earlier that I wanted to take my regular pregnancy check up and he agreed to buy me the test. It was late at night (he works nightshifts) and he was on his weay to work. He told me to text me when I took the test and the results. He has always been a strict believer no kids yet because he is barely 21, hasn't started school yet, and wishes to have a career before he settles down, in about 5 years. When we first started dating he asked me if I would ever consider and abortion if i got pregnant and we discussed the subject were we left it as I would protect myself because I had no intention of aborting a child or bringing one to this world this early in my life. That night, I scared him with the potential pregnancy. My sister was next to him at work when I sent him the playful text. "congratulations babe!" Afterwards I sent him pictures of baby bottles, babies, and a family of three and sent him a follow up text a few minutes later saying "all that is NOT in your near future!" He read the congratulations part and the baby things that he got so excited telling my sister with a grin in his face "shes lying!" He called me to confirm i was not and I said "yeah" he sounded pretty dissapointed afterwards. He came over to my house after work and lied down in my bed telling me about how he was thinking about kids and what would we name them. THAT WAS JUST A WEEK AGO!

 

More details on the Break-up Argument

I recall an earlier conversation, when he asked for a break, he was telling me how he was afraid that things were going to remain the same. That I might not get better and if we ever went through something traumatic together in our future that he wasn't sure what was going to happen then. He just didn't want that "drama" and that possible future to come true. He said he wasn't sure about what we had anymore. When he had first started dating we both agreed to no drama because I am the type of girl who doesnt like it but lately ive become so dramatic. I blew up on him and in a hurt rage i threw everything he gave me in his face, tore up a book series he gave me, and slapped him three times. I was upset accusing him of being a manipulating, cheating, man who was nothing special. That he was the same as every man and that the reason he was doing this was because he probably already has someone on the side. He had used me and lied to me. I told him he came into my life and discomforted my family, gained their trust and all for nothing. He just came into my life and took my heart and my virginity without giving a damn. That was his intentions all along. He sat there listening and his eyes were watering. He told me "LOOK! I didnt plan this okay? I loved you and you know thats not the reason i was with you! you know i dont roll that way. Im honest and you know that" Thats when I stopped the accusations and started crying. I told him that he never loved me, he just thought he did. He kept looking forward asking me to get out of his car so he could go get ready for work. I stayed put and told him "No! Till we fix this!" He got annoyed and told me that this was one of the many reasons we were having problems, I was too stubborn. His voice even cracked and told me, "Why couldn't you just be happy you had me!? I never understood why you pushed me to other people and way from you! You kept telling me that I deserved better and constantly tried to get me to be with "Nora"! I loved you. Why couldnt you understand that? Explain to me, if you loved me, why did you want to shove me to someone else?" I was shocked. I told him I stopped doing that and he said "yeah but i also warned you that if you said it long enough I was going to believe it!" After that I went on more of a frenzy of accusations and explanations. Even throughout the accusations he kept telling me that he knew why i was saying all of those things. He knew it was because thinking of him that way made things easier for him and he was okay with that. He said he knew deep down that I didn't truly believed that of him. I stopped the accusations and i asked him, "the fact that I pushed you to someone else bothers you? Is that the problem?" he sighed. "That's a huge part but theres is also a lot of things" We stayed quite for a few minutes before he said "can you let me go home now?" I said no and thats when I started begging him not to leave me. If he wanted his break I would give it to him venve

[jamie353352]

He is a decent person but i dont understand what happened. Im trying to give you guys as much detail so you can help me understand! It all went downhill in the three weeks that I started taking this pills! Could it be that he got the feelings before? Or is it true that he got the feelings during the last two weeks? I knew we were having small problems but in general we had an good relationship! Everything was okay! Could it be that he got the G.I.G.S. due to the baby scare? Or do to the massive pressure he was feeling because of my bipolar disorder?