Leigh 87 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 By the way, I had guys pay for dates, take me out on actual dates, tell me how amazing I was, pleasure me in bed without expecting me to ever return the favour... ALL this ^^^ and as it turns out, they WEREN'T all that "into me". It can be hard as women to determine the men who are truly into us! But come on, this guy didn't even take you out on actual dates! A few signs I knew my current bf was different? FIRSTLY, he said he wasn't into casual sex or dating, and he preferred to focus on one woman at a time. - he said he WAS NOT looking for casual sex or a casual relationship, or a FWB of any kind. - he asked me to his 30th to meet all his friends and family only a few days after his first date (the 30th was in 3 weeks time from the point at which he asked me to attend it) ^^^^^^^ that alone is still not enough to show a guy is into you, some men are desperate for a girlfriend and will snap up the first available girl; showing a girl to family is not always a big deal. SO FAR, the above are just SIGNS that suggests that a guy MIGHT be into you. NEVER assume that introducing to friends and family on its own is cause for great concern; it means nothing to some men. Yet in ADDITION to him inviting me to meet his friends and family: - he texted his friends to tell him that he had the "best date ever" with me (I spied over his shoulder:o) - he took a real interest in me and he wanted to just chat to me even though sex was not on the table. - he never talked sex to me in the month before we had it, let ME make the first move regarding sex, he was a gentlemen it was CLEAR he was in it for more than just sex...... - he made it known that he only wanted me and wanted a relationship with me. - he never had eyes for other women, a stunner could walk past and she was invisible to him. Every time. - he was just very lovely to me, washing dishes and offering to help me out. Now some men are desperate to get a gf and they could do all the above to ANY girl that is attractive enough for them to date without thinking SHE is that special. However, over time I feel confident that I could be "it" for him, above and beyond what the other girls offered him.
MissBee Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Exclusivity is never implied. If that is what you want then you have to communicate your need for exclusivity before doing anything you think you could regret if you become emotionally invested and he isn't exclusive. Such a profound statement and a rule of thumb for relationships indeed, "Exclusivity is never implied." It is/should be spelled out and if it isn't, 9/10 times it's because you're not exclusive neither are you in a relationship. In all my actual relationships there was some kind of official "asking" or discussion that led to "We are in a relationship and are bf/gf/ official/exclusive starting now"....it has never been this thing that goes unspoken and where I just assumed it. 2
MissBee Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Oh wow so now I'm so old because I'm 37 and wants to find a cute guy that I can connect with? Thank you very much Mr. Negative! You cant sit here and tell me that I only found him attractive because of his looks and his looks only when I told you I was also drawn to his character as well. FYI I've always been into confident funny guys. Most of my friends are like this ok. The sooner you learn this about women young or old, the better you'll be. And sorry for not finding many men that fit the bill or I would've been off the market by now I'm not trying to be negative here, but I don't think you were drawn to his "character", being funny and confident aren't actually character traits, but personality traits that are a dime a dozen. Character deals with things like honesty, integrity, ambition, work ethic, how he treats you and other people etc. Being cute, funny, confident and interesting are very generic qualities and superficial ones at that. Don't get me wrong, cute, funny, confident and interesting are not bad things to like but I think there should definitely be more depth and more that you look for in a man than those very superficial things, or else you will meet cute, confident, funny jerks and a-holes, as being cute, funny, confident and interesting are NOT character traits as I said, and one can be a cute, funny, confident jerk, liar, cheater, etc. I think a woman in her 30s should have more substantial qualities and actual character traits she looks for in a man besides he is cute, funny and confident. I think working on building bigger ideas about how you want to be treated, what kind of VALUES you want a man to hold, his character: is he honest, is he reliable, does he stick to his promises, is he trustworthy, is he close to his family, do you have the same VALUES (not just we laugh at the same jokes or like the same food and shallow things like that) etc, will help you to choose better men. Your sister knows you better than any of us here and seems to be hard on you too as she seems to also realize that you look for things in men that aren't that deep or substantial and confuse generic traits like confidence and being funny for character traits, when they are not one and the same. I think you will see a marked difference in the men you attract once you start asking yourself more questions and even making a list of CHARACTER and VALUES you need and want in a partner besides cute, funny, confident and interesting. I'm in my twenties and dated poorly until I really introspected and thought about what I want and need and what values are important to me and made a list of the things I would need in a man that are about those things and not the given like: funny, cute, confident. I started meeting and dating WAY better men once I became more concerned about things beyond the surface. 6
thecrucible Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 he made it known that he only wanted me and wanted a relationship with me. I think this is the most important one here. I don't think men who are happy to date multiple women are generally serious about finding a life partner (which is not a bad thing if you're on the same page as them). I've started to take that account more and I ask guys directly what they're looking for in dating and judge their seriousness by the answer. I prefer to hear them say that they're looking for someone special. Doesn't mean they'll fall for me of course, but it at least gives me better odds than with a guy who says he's just "dating a bunch of people to see what happens" or that kind of thing. In fact, probably if they're prepared to tell me that they're looking around, then they're not worried about losing my interest. And as per what you said, I've decided to hold out for someone who acts like you described. I've learnt the hard way that it's not good to take chances on people who show up red flags...as in it gave me more experience, but deeply impacted my self-esteem and made me feel awful about myself. Said guy who treated me that way actually wasn't any more attractive than me - just full of himself and wanted a woman to be perfect in every single way. If I hadn't had blinders I would have seen it for what it was. I think the best kind of relationship is when you don't have to question his feelings or ask whether he's into you, you just know. And like you said about genuine guys being patient enough to wait for sex and just get to know you. I am a very sexual person so I've had to learn to avoid guys who flaunt sexy behaviour from the get go. It's hard for me to get used to liking guys that aren't like that. I wonder if OP was anything like me - slight trust and self-esteem issues so I'd go for relationships that happened quickly without a lot of getting to know each other, because I liked the ego boost and having attractive guys (seemingly) interested in me. At the same time, I'd be turned off by guys who did show a lot of interest because of misinterpreting my longing for unavailable guys as some kind of 'spark'. 2
thecrucible Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I'm not trying to be negative here, but I don't think you were drawn to his "character", being funny and confident aren't actually character traits, but personality traits that are a dime a dozen. Character deals with things like honesty, integrity, ambition, work ethic, how he treats you and other people etc. Being cute, funny, confident and interesting are very generic qualities and superficial ones at that. Don't get me wrong, cute, funny, confident and interesting are not bad things to like but I think there should definitely be more depth and more that you look for in a man than those very superficial things, or else you will meet cute, confident, funny jerks and a-holes, as being cute, funny, confident and interesting are NOT character traits as I said, and one can be a cute, funny, confident jerk, liar, cheater, etc. Wow. I am not in my thirties but I am learning so much from your posts. That's such a great point. I haven't been in the mindset of looking for 'character' as opposed to personality so going to do that from hereon in. I think you will see a marked difference in the men you attract once you start asking yourself more questions and even making a list of CHARACTER and VALUES you need and want in a partner besides cute, funny, confident and interesting. I'm in my twenties and dated poorly until I really introspected and thought about what I want and need and what values are important to me and made a list of the things I would need in a man that are about those things and not the given like: funny, cute, confident. I started meeting and dating WAY better men once I became more concerned about things beyond the surface. So I hope I am not hijacking the OP's thread. I was about to offer the same advice though. It's best to go in with a set idea of your personal boundaries and a clear idea of what you want. That way it's easier to get rid of the wrong 'uns. I'm going to do exactly what you did (making the list) and I hope the OP does the same. 2
somedude81 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Are you serious? You meet a good looking player. Right away you guys start fooling around. And somehow you think he's your boyfriend because you cook him food and give him sandwiches? Did he give you absolutely any sign at all that he wanted to be in a relationship with you? That he was going to be exclusive to you? Did you guys talk at all?! 1
pickflicker Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Lesson learned. Never assume you're exclusive, always ask. How come you don't know this at 37? If sandwiches was all it took, no girl would ever be single 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Lesson learned. Never assume you're exclusive, always ask. How come you don't know this at 37? If sandwiches was all it took, no girl would ever be single Yeah. I made sandwiches for my ex every day for over a year! I even included a funny hand written note with something silly/fully on it! Heck, I drove miles to his work just to drop his freakin sandwiches off! ...He still cheated on me and was never in love with me. He then met a younger hotter girl who he is buts about and is taking to Europe with him and who he changed his profile picture on facebook for (he never did that with me). You can be sure he is done with his cheating ways too now that he has a girl who he truly "fell" for. No amount of sandwiches and pampering will make a guy fall for you! 1
somedude81 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 No amount of sandwiches and pampering will make a guy fall for you! I'd fall for a girl if she made me sandwiches. Heck, I'm hungry now. Anybody want a boyfriend? All you have to do is feed me.
Leigh 87 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Nuts about not buts about ****** and funny NOT fully ******* damn computer.
NYC-BigKat Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Oh wow so now I'm so old because I'm 37 and wants to find a cute guy that I can connect with? Thank you very much Mr. Negative! You cant sit here and tell me that I only found him attractive because of his looks and his looks only when I told you I was also drawn to his character as well. FYI I've always been into confident funny guys. Most of my friends are like this ok. The sooner you learn this about women young or old, the better you'll be. And sorry for not finding many men that fit the bill or I would've been off the market by now Yup & this is why u cant find a decent hardworking man 'cause every guy has to be so so cute so u can fall over heals for him. That's bad of u & its kinda good he was a two-timer so u can learn that these types of guys u like so much aren't good for u just like your sister says & everyone else in here says & stuff .
bluegreen Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Oh its no use to add much more of what a mistake you made girl cause everyone else said pretty much all it needed to be said. It matters not why you choose cute face it matters not your good intentions it matters not that you slept with him and only hanged out with him after work hours. Why beat you up over this you already figured all this out. You made a mistake now for next time you know what not to do. Do not accept him back call argue insult or anything simply move on and put this behind you. As OK its to date casually just as much its OK not to let them hop in your bed either.
Author Febreze Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Sorry for what you're experiencing, but the biggest problem I noticed is that it doesn't seem like you ask any questions or actually allow a man to date you "properly", i.e. take you out, you go out in public in the day time or evenings, have conversations, meet his friends etc, and have him treat you like a full person. What you described is the classic booty call relationship, where you don't go on dates, this person just comes to your house at night time and you have sex and maybe you make them food and do stuff for them but in fact there is no actual dating going on and no kind of discussion about what they want from the relationship. Well truth be told, there is no relationship and actions are louder than words. A man who only comes to your place after dark and fools around isn't interested in being your boyfriend and having a relationship with you. If you want things to change, set some standards and rules for yourself and only entertain men willing to treat you accordingly. First off, don't allow a man with whom you haven't even been on a date to come to your house at night, that already sets the tone for you to be seen as okay with a booty call relationship. If you exchange numbers, talk to him, discuss things, say something about not looking for sex but a relationship, allow him to take you out by daylight and to do things and COMMUNICATE what you both want. If he is interested he will gladly oblige, if not he will show his true colors and you will often see it before you have sex or emotionally invest. Don't assume a man is in a relationship with you because he sleeps with you and sees you. That doesn't mean he is your boyfriend. That is the first thing you should know. You're 31 hon, this is a lesson every girl should learn at 15, that a man can f--k you and call you and see you and that doesn't mean he is in a relationship with you. Unless he SAYS he is and takes you out and you meet his friends or family, a man coming over after 9pm to fool around is NOT your boyfriend and going forward you need to start asking questions and being more selective about what you will and won't allow. Ok I understand what you're saying I really and honestly do ok? I have gone out on dates with other men including my last boyfriend who turned out to be a sexist and I kicked his ass to the curb With this last guy we did talk about things we both liked from each other and I explained that I liked to cook for my man yada yada. He smiled and said I was his kind of girl and he explained he always had a lot of respect for nurses especially sexy ones and how I look younger than my 37 years And I had coworkers at my job telling me how cute he was and how I need to go for him and he's interesting, has a good blue collar job, yada yada. If he had been 25 or something I would've passed on him but at 31 I mean c'mon ok. He said he loved kids, told me some cute stories about giving the rest of his old wrestling figures away if he had a son and walking him through all those years yada yada. And then I asked him what about the girls and he explained that he would get her to be a tomboy like his sis playing baseball but to stay sexy too We did have conversations about this stuff MissBee and I felt really good in his arms and around him ok. And he loved my food like WOW! The turn-on for me was especially when he never pressured me into having sex with him. It just happened naturally on one of his off days because he works a lot at this UPS place so giving him the backrubs drew us closer, so I thought Anyway I appreciate the things you tell me and some others in here I do like some of the comments they were good but please understand how hard it is to find a guy like him that's serious about being in a relationship so I went ahead and grabbed the next best thing hoping for the best
topaMAXX Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Ok I understand what you're saying I really and honestly do ok? I have gone out on dates with other men including my last boyfriend who turned out to be a sexist and I kicked his ass to the curb With this last guy we did talk about things we both liked from each other and I explained that I liked to cook for my man yada yada. He smiled and said I was his kind of girl and he explained he always had a lot of respect for nurses especially sexy ones and how I look younger than my 37 years And I had coworkers at my job telling me how cute he was and how I need to go for him and he's interesting, has a good blue collar job, yada yada. If he had been 25 or something I would've passed on him but at 31 I mean c'mon ok. He said he loved kids, told me some cute stories about giving the rest of his old wrestling figures away if he had a son and walking him through all those years yada yada. And then I asked him what about the girls and he explained that he would get her to be a tomboy like his sis playing baseball but to stay sexy too We did have conversations about this stuff MissBee and I felt really good in his arms and around him ok. And he loved my food like WOW! The turn-on for me was especially when he never pressured me into having sex with him. It just happened naturally on one of his off days because he works a lot at this UPS place so giving him the backrubs drew us closer, so I thought Anyway I appreciate the things you tell me and some others in here I do like some of the comments they were good but please understand how hard it is to find a guy like him that's serious about being in a relationship so I went ahead and grabbed the next best thing hoping for the best You're a nurse working in a hospital. I'm sure you're surrounded by many good, successful men (doctors, PAs, hospital administrators, etc.). Why don't you date a guy that has something going for him, rather than a sweet talking hot UPS guy? 2
Omei Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Ok I understand what you're saying I really and honestly do ok? I have gone out on dates with other men including my last boyfriend who turned out to be a sexist and I kicked his ass to the curb With this last guy we did talk about things we both liked from each other and I explained that I liked to cook for my man yada yada. He smiled and said I was his kind of girl and he explained he always had a lot of respect for nurses especially sexy ones and how I look younger than my 37 years And I had coworkers at my job telling me how cute he was and how I need to go for him and he's interesting, has a good blue collar job, yada yada. If he had been 25 or something I would've passed on him but at 31 I mean c'mon ok. He said he loved kids, told me some cute stories about giving the rest of his old wrestling figures away if he had a son and walking him through all those years yada yada. And then I asked him what about the girls and he explained that he would get her to be a tomboy like his sis playing baseball but to stay sexy too We did have conversations about this stuff MissBee and I felt really good in his arms and around him ok. And he loved my food like WOW! The turn-on for me was especially when he never pressured me into having sex with him. It just happened naturally on one of his off days because he works a lot at this UPS place so giving him the backrubs drew us closer, so I thought Anyway I appreciate the things you tell me and some others in here I do like some of the comments they were good but please understand how hard it is to find a guy like him that's serious about being in a relationship so I went ahead and grabbed the next best thing hoping for the best From what you say your conversations were only about what you guys like, not any speak of what you both expect relationship wise from each other. 1
Goldenbrwn Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 "confident" "cocky" "snarky comments" "after work." "around 9pm" "fool around" Now that's how you do it! lol
StanMusial Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 From what you say your conversations were only about what you guys like, not any speak of what you both expect relationship wise from each other. He is probably looking for someone younger to have babies with. I agree with the others, you're old enough to know better. 2
Author Febreze Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 You're a nurse working in a hospital. I'm sure you're surrounded by many good, successful men (doctors, PAs, hospital administrators, etc.). Why don't you date a guy that has something going for him, rather than a sweet talking hot UPS guy? He does have something going for him if you knew anything about UPS. Anyway that's besides the point because you wanted to know why I haven't dated guys from my job ok? I almost did a few times but its trouble dating where you work. People talk so freaking much its ridiculous! And I've mostly gotten hit on by older men around 50 in there. That's not my cup of tea unless they resemble George Clooney The last cute confident guy around 30 showed interest in me has been a lot of years before this one. I'm going to go with about 10 years or so C'mon that's a long time! The younger guys that do try to hit on me are not my type by and large. And not interesting to boot either. I actually got numerous texts from everyone last night from my neighbor on this situation and my sis trying to be rational with me. I got no texts from him after I told him off last night. But that's ok. I digress Maybe I'll finally listen to some of my sis's suggestions yada yada. She did try to hook me up with a real estate broker a few years ago she had thought was perfect for me but I shot it down before even meeting him. I was just freaking annoyed that my little sis has to do that. Not personal.
NYC-BigKat Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 He does have something going for him if you knew anything about UPS. Anyway that's besides the point because you wanted to know why I haven't dated guys from my job ok? I almost did a few times but its trouble dating where you work. People talk so freaking much its ridiculous! And I've mostly gotten hit on by older men around 50 in there. That's not my cup of tea unless they resemble George Clooney The last cute confident guy around 30 showed interest in me has been a lot of years before this one. I'm going to go with about 10 years or so C'mon that's a long time! The younger guys that do try to hit on me are not my type by and large. And not interesting to boot either. I actually got numerous texts from everyone last night from my neighbor on this situation and my sis trying to be rational with me. I got no texts from him after I told him off last night. But that's ok. I digress Maybe I'll finally listen to some of my sis's suggestions yada yada. She did try to hook me up with a real estate broker a few years ago she had thought was perfect for me but I shot it down before even meeting him. I was just freaking annoyed that my little sis has to do that. Not personal. Yup maybe your little sister might be able to help u out some u know if u just let her. Stop going for guys like the UPS hunk 'cause you'r gonna get played again & again & again & again til u learn that's these guys don't be faithful to girls they only want more & more girls to play.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Are you serious? You meet a good looking player. Right away you guys start fooling around. And somehow you think he's your boyfriend because you cook him food and give him sandwiches? Did he give you absolutely any sign at all that he wanted to be in a relationship with you? That he was going to be exclusive to you? Did you guys talk at all?! SD have we forgotten what I professed here for so long. Women of all ages have a tendency to see a good looking man and attribute positive character traits to him because he's good looking. All people do that to an extent, it's called the "Halo Effect". Women take it a step further. http://ink.library.smu.edu.sg/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2376&context=soss_research That is a peer reviewed article which explains what you did OP. As a woman who likes men you saw a sexy cad and in your minds eye made him into a great dad. Something he never was. Why because he was Hott. There you have it in black and white. Now what you need to do is as others have said. Examine yourself and what you want. Decide if a sexy cad is what you want and if your willing to put up with the BS to have him. Or do you want a good dad. Someone less sexy but more reliable. Since the OP mentioned ethnicity here let me plumb the depths of that. You make it sound automatic that the man being good looking and Italian, as you are, that you should be his GF. If you live in the NYC metro area there are millions of men of all colors and kinds. Spike Lee showed you how to do it Shakespeare knew how it goes down too https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvUBIJCfcks Or maybe your afraid a black man will do this? TL;DR: Choose a man based not on the handsomeness, firmness of his abs, or color of his skin but on the content of his character. Because, long term, character is what never changes about a person. 2
topaMAXX Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 He does have something going for him if you knew anything about UPS. Anyway that's besides the point because you wanted to know why I haven't dated guys from my job ok? I almost did a few times but its trouble dating where you work. People talk so freaking much its ridiculous! And I've mostly gotten hit on by older men around 50 in there. That's not my cup of tea unless they resemble George Clooney The last cute confident guy around 30 showed interest in me has been a lot of years before this one. I'm going to go with about 10 years or so C'mon that's a long time! The younger guys that do try to hit on me are not my type by and large. And not interesting to boot either. I actually got numerous texts from everyone last night from my neighbor on this situation and my sis trying to be rational with me. I got no texts from him after I told him off last night. But that's ok. I digress Maybe I'll finally listen to some of my sis's suggestions yada yada. She did try to hook me up with a real estate broker a few years ago she had thought was perfect for me but I shot it down before even meeting him. I was just freaking annoyed that my little sis has to do that. Not personal. You are just not understanding what we are saying. I predict that this cycle will repeat over and over again. Good luck in your search for George Clooney! Hope you look like Angelina Jolie! 2
kaylan Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Exclusivity is never implied. If that is what you want then you have to communicate your need for exclusivity before doing anything you think you could regret if you become emotionally invested and he isn't exclusive. This. The woman I am casually seeing now made it a point to bring up whether I was seeing other women before had sex. She did it in a roundabout way, but she did it nonetheless. Its better for us both that she did, because it minimizes a lot of drama and risk. I prefer sleeping with 1 woman at a time because its just safer...and I dont have much free time anyways. 1
Tayken Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Jen has a great body and she is cute but she is not a knock out; Halle Berry, on the other hand... Seriously, men are crazy for leaving THAT:o She seems intelligent enough and empathetic, too. From her interviews. But yes I have a gorgeous model friend who cannot get a guy..... They leave her, one said he preferred larger less pretty women, the other preferred Asians. She has sh*t luck Lovely girl too... Models mean sh*t to most men as long term partners, and am one of those. Men are not crazy for leaving Jen, it's just that you don't see/experience what they have to deal with I'll take a slightly large less pretty woman too over some "am all that" Barbie that has nothing else to offer than just looks....I detest these types with a passion, and have been known to roll my eyes at them
GoreSP Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Are you serious? You meet a good looking player. Right away you guys start fooling around. And somehow you think he's your boyfriend because you cook him food and give him sandwiches? Did he give you absolutely any sign at all that he wanted to be in a relationship with you? That he was going to be exclusive to you? Did you guys talk at all?! Don't be so quick to call the guy a player. All he did was take what was willingly given to him. As far as we can tell, he didn't make false promises to her. I am getting quite sick of women doing **** like this and then giving the guy a bad name by playing the victim. 2
Shaun-Dro Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Don't be so quick to call the guy a player. All he did was take what was willingly given to him. As far as we can tell, he didn't make false promises to her. I am getting quite sick of women doing **** like this and then giving the guy a bad name by playing the victim. This is true. Looks like the OP, yet again, fell for the handsome hunk but this time he was clad in brown. I do notice that Italian and Irish women alike have this narrow taste in men and nothing seems to sway them from it. I'm not saying all of them, but do see it in the overwhelming majority, especially here in New York. It does appear that Febreze is the rule and not the exception. That way of thinking is going to always cost her and those along her path continuous disappointment and heartache.
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