KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 UGGGGHHHHHHHHHH STUPID EXES!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ex just emailed me and said he wants to take me on a surprise trip for my birthday next weekend (birthday is in mid-April). He has already made non-refundable reservations..I guess he was assuming I'd just be happy. Kinda shocked..I didn't think he cared or would even remember. I'm just beginning to see someone new but it's not serious yet..we're both still seeing other people..he's nice and I'm happy I suppose but if I'm being totally and completely honest, I don't have those major butterflies like I did with the ex. I'll have to say no I guess but it's still hard. Ugh. Why do they do this??? GRR! Butthead!!! If you're gonna marry me, marry me. It's been nearly 4 years..you should know by now. If not, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Now I feel like crap.
sooshi Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 That is pretty shocking, Kali. I was surprised to read this. What do you think his intentions are? Do you think he just wanted to surprise you and make you happy? It seems like a really sweet gesture, but I can understand how this would make you feel awful. I thought you didn't want a relationship anymore with this man, so I'm surprised to hear you say that if he wants to marry you, to marry you (although I understand that our feelings and thought processes change, and we can go back and forth on things)? Either way, I think you're making the right choice to say no. It's the right thing to do to protect yourself. And major butterflies fade in most relationships. It's probably a good thing in some ways, because then hard works need to be done. And you see who truly loves, and not just infatuated.
jay1983 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Damn, this guy's got your heart. Go on the trip, or you'll regret it. I don't want to get your hopes up, but what if he proposes to you on this romantic trip?
iDrumKing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Damn, this guy's got your heart. Go on the trip, or you'll regret it. I don't want to get your hopes up, but what if he proposes to you on this romantic trip? Doubt that will happen. Kali I wonder what he wants from this. But it really boils down to what YOU want really. Venture into something that could possible make you happy or sad? Or continue doing what you've been doing and find something new.
4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Damn, this guy's got your heart. Go on the trip, or you'll regret it. I don't want to get your hopes up, but what if he proposes to you on this romantic trip? Maybe you should ask him WHY he wants to go on a trip with you? explain how inappropriate it would be to go together as exes, and ask for clarifications. Perhaps he's interested in reconciliation or he's just being "friendly". Only HE can know. From your text, I am assuming that you still have feelings for your ex. Otherwise, you'll be indifferent towards his email and wouldn't wonder if you should accept or reject his request, and you wouldn't feel so terrible about it. I personally hate making assumptions. So my advice would be to find out what his intentions are if you're interested to get back together, or ignore the message if you would like to continue your healing journey. Good luck 1
Author KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 HA! He's NOT going to propose. I don't think he knows what he wants. But I can't get involved until he figures it out. I can't keep doing this to myself. If I wanted him back I know I could have him, but only on HIS terms. I want to get married and he's not sure if he'll ever want that..not just with me, but with anyone. He's not sure if he ever even wants to live with anyone. Yes, I really do believe that. In this particular case, it wasn't me. It was 100% him. I don't want to be stuck in a dead end relationship. He did some truly awful things to me but unfortunately I have an unlimited capacity to forgive, especially when I know that someone is damaged, and trust me, he is. Extremely. If he was making any effort to help himself I would consider it, but sadly he's not. He's trapped by his own fears and by his pride. He wants a part time girlfriend. He wants me to be there when he wants me there and to disappear without complaint when he feels like being alone. He would be there if I really needed him but he just can't give me what I want. I'm so sad for him. He wants to be in a normal relationship so badly, and I believe he wants it with me..but he is incapable. He's on 6 different medications for depression and anxiety but he's not in therapy. He thinks the medicine can cure everything just because it levels him out. He won't help himself and I can't help him anymore. As much as I LOVE this man, and I really do, I can't wait for him any longer. But I'm really sad that he's stuck this way, and I'm sad that he can't see it. It's heart wrenching. I'm so sad for him, and I'm sad for me too because we do have a strong connection and I do miss him as much as I try to deny it and bury it. But I can't do it anymore. I'm already in my early 30's. I'm not getting any younger, prettier, smarter, or better. I want to get married, and I think I want to have kids too, which I KNOW he doesn't want. I don't want to be someone's part time girlfriend. 4
sooshi Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 It's hard when you really love him and love him and miss him. Good for you for doing what's best for you, Kali, even though it's hard to do right now. I'm proud of you.
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Yeah you did not just put yourself down like that did ya ? You not getting this you not getting that really did ya started believing that before or after him. If there is one thing I approve is trying to clarify what is this new lets f... with her mind game if its not possible say NO. IF and IF he wants he can crawl to your house with that ring in his hands just as well as he can do it on romantic spot. I really despise to say this u seem such a nice girl but could it be that his next or present "fluff" said NO to trip and he said EUREKA lets call my dependable sure shoot meaning you ? Non refundable thickets well this might sound bitchy but why should you care it was his decision to make yours is not to end up crying over b... once again. Not again u hear me !!!!
jay1983 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Maybe you should ask him WHY he wants to go on a trip with you? explain how inappropriate it would be to go together as exes, and ask for clarifications. Perhaps he's interested in reconciliation or he's just being "friendly". Only HE can know. From your text, I am assuming that you still have feelings for your ex. Otherwise, you'll be indifferent towards his email and wouldn't wonder if you should accept or reject his request, and you wouldn't feel so terrible about it. I personally hate making assumptions. So my advice would be to find out what his intentions are if you're interested to get back together, or ignore the message if you would like to continue your healing journey. Good luck His intentions are to hook back up with her. No man is gonna pay for some surprise trip just to be friendly. That's who she wants to marry, so thats the direction she has to go in, if that's to ever happen. Otherwise she can turn him down, which would be like a punch in gut and marrying him most likely not happen. 1
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I always say if you wanna know about the man ask the other man. Jay got it in style I really like the most : easy clear simple and right to the point. 1
jay1983 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 HA! He's NOT going to propose. I don't think he knows what he wants. But I can't get involved until he figures it out. I can't keep doing this to myself. If I wanted him back I know I could have him, but only on HIS terms. I want to get married and he's not sure if he'll ever want that..not just with me, but with anyone. He's not sure if he ever even wants to live with anyone. Yes, I really do believe that. In this particular case, it wasn't me. It was 100% him. I don't want to be stuck in a dead end relationship. He did some truly awful things to me but unfortunately I have an unlimited capacity to forgive, especially when I know that someone is damaged, and trust me, he is. Extremely. If he was making any effort to help himself I would consider it, but sadly he's not. He's trapped by his own fears and by his pride. He wants a part time girlfriend. He wants me to be there when he wants me there and to disappear without complaint when he feels like being alone. He would be there if I really needed him but he just can't give me what I want. I'm so sad for him. He wants to be in a normal relationship so badly, and I believe he wants it with me..but he is incapable. He's on 6 different medications for depression and anxiety but he's not in therapy. He thinks the medicine can cure everything just because it levels him out. He won't help himself and I can't help him anymore. As much as I LOVE this man, and I really do, I can't wait for him any longer. But I'm really sad that he's stuck this way, and I'm sad that he can't see it. It's heart wrenching. I'm so sad for him, and I'm sad for me too because we do have a strong connection and I do miss him as much as I try to deny it and bury it. But I can't do it anymore. I'm already in my early 30's. I'm not getting any younger, prettier, smarter, or better. I want to get married, and I think I want to have kids too, which I KNOW he doesn't want. I don't want to be someone's part time girlfriend. I understand, I could tell you love him by the way you talked about him and impact of telling you about this trip (making this thread and all lol) and I'm pro marriage, but I see theres a lot of complications. I still want to say go with him, but hey I'm guy, my advice might not be the best here lol.
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I understand, I could tell you love him by the way you talked about him and impact of telling you about this trip (making this thread and all lol) and I'm pro marriage, but I see theres a lot of complications. I still want to say go with him, but hey I'm guy, my advice might not be the best here lol. I will beg to disagree cause as I said no man knows other woman as woman does and opposite. I do not always write my posts on experience I as we all do write it on common sense intuition and more I had a feeling some guy might actually see right trough this. And I was right you did see it and I hope really hope she hears us. What a way to lift her up just to slam her on ground again am furious now
jay1983 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I will beg to disagree cause as I said no man knows other woman as woman does and opposite. I do not always write my posts on experience I as we all do write it on common sense intuition and more I had a feeling some guy might actually see right trough this. And I was right you did see it and I hope really hope she hears us. What a way to lift her up just to slam her on ground again am furious now I'm sorry lol Thing is, I'm no perfect guy, and I've made a lot of decisions that I shouldn't have.
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 God no of course who of us is now I embarrassed you am sorry. What I in my excitement tried to do was point her in way of most make sense response. I can be over eager like welcome aboard Jay 1
ScaredAlien2 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 UGGGGHHHHHHHHHH STUPID EXES!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ex just emailed me and said he wants to take me on a surprise trip for my birthday next weekend (birthday is in mid-April). He has already made non-refundable reservations..I guess he was assuming I'd just be happy. Kinda shocked..I didn't think he cared or would even remember. I'm just beginning to see someone new but it's not serious yet..we're both still seeing other people..he's nice and I'm happy I suppose but if I'm being totally and completely honest, I don't have those major butterflies like I did with the ex. I'll have to say no I guess but it's still hard. Ugh. Why do they do this??? GRR! Butthead!!! If you're gonna marry me, marry me. It's been nearly 4 years..you should know by now. If not, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Now I feel like crap. I believe chi-town mentioned a similar weekend getaway type trip suggestion in another thread to a guy wanting his girl back. Obviously a different situation, but ironic. Anyways, sorry to hear you are put in this situation. The feels are back I see. Kali, you've given some great advice on here. My only thought is he's trying, putting in some effort: albeit intentions unclear. IMO, no one here can tell you what to do, follow your heart! I do think it's wise to maybe just ask his intentions? I wouldn't let the fact the trips not refundable get to you. Good luck, you'll do the right thing for you. Keep us updated! 1
WYSWYG Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) HA! He's NOT going to propose. I don't think he knows what he wants..... He did some truly awful things to me..... He wants a part time girlfriend..... He's on 6 different medications for depression and anxiety.... It's heart wrenching...... But I can't do it anymore. I'm already in my early 30's. I'm not getting any younger, prettier, smarter, or better. I want to get married, and I think I want to have kids too, which I KNOW he doesn't want. I don't want to be someone's part time girlfriend. Love is blind, Kali. Your heart will not see the red flags but distance gives you clarity for your sake. As sweet as this offering seems, it could be underhanded and intent to cloud your better judgement. I know exactly what you mean of the strong connection you had w/ him. Love my fade a bit but the memories live on. Asked him for clarity. You deserve it.... Edited March 30, 2014 by WYSWYG 1
Trovador Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Have you considered the possibility that you weren't the original co-traveler? This reminded me of a gift I gave once to some girl because the one whom the gift was intended, rejected me or broke up with me, I don't remember which... shame on me! Tell him "thanks, but no thanks"... if you don't want him back, you don't want him back at all... 2
redbaron005 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 If you're gonna marry me, marry me. It's been nearly 4 years..you should know by now. If not, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! : I'd wait till you cool off to respond and if possible tell him exactally this. If it's been all hinting then yea he might not know. Men can be oblivious sometimes. 1
bluegreen Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Have you considered the possibility that you weren't the original co-traveler? This reminded me of a gift I gave once to some girl because the one whom the gift was intended, rejected me or broke up with me, I don't remember which... shame on me! Tell him "thanks, but no thanks"... if you don't want him back, you don't want him back at all... This is just same thing that right away came to my mind
jay1983 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 This is just same thing that right away came to my mind S**t I got so caught up in what she wrote about him that I didn't even think of this. My ass might not have the best advise. lol
bluegreen Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Its OK Jay we are like house builders each one of us brings something new to the job.
Author KaliLove Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Nah, there's definitely no one else, and the trip was never intended for anyone else. It's somewhere we've been talking about going forever. If there was someone else he wouldn't be asking me. We're going to talk this week. I want to know what he wants from me before I say yes or no. My guess is that he misses me and loves me but that nothing has changed. He still wants a part time girlfriend. But I want a husband. I do love him very much but I just don't know if he will ever be capable of letting our relationship progress. He freaks out when anyone gets too close to him. I don't know if he will ever get married..my guess would be no. My therapist thinks he has Borderline Personality Disorder as well as severe social anxiety and chemical depression (he's on several different medications for depression and anxiety already but he refuses to see a therapist). Edited March 31, 2014 by KaliLove
WYSWYG Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Good luck, Kali. I like your determination. Keep us posted. 2
bluegreen Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Sweetie your know all this and still you are willing to even consider going ? OK I need someone to put a tape on my fingers like right now or I might write whatever. God girl you sound and give vive of quality and having a compliment for me is ten times easier then getting money just please stay away from this train wreck. Love him if you must buy by hmm lets see miles far away ? If one or two people said same thing I would be cheering you on but look at these pages Not one had said yeah go for it not one ...
Author KaliLove Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 I really doubt I'm going to go. But we do love each other and I feel like I want to give him the benefit of the doubt one last time. I'm probably going to be disappointed but I feel prepared for that. I'll be ok no matter what the outcome of the conversation is. That's how I know I'm ready to have it. 2
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