rgray09 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hi all, new to the site, but enjoy the insight I receive by reading others situations and personal struggles. So I thought I would try searching for my own answers as well. Ok lets start with a little background: I have been married for 4 years now. husband and I have a 2 year old son. we dated for 2 years before we got married. from about 3 months into the relationship, he has been very controlling. never physically abusive but verbally and what I like to call "whinny". he always had to know where I was, who I was with, when I was coming home, how long I was going to be. and this is only if it was something that I absolutely HAD to do like go to work or school. anytime I wanted to do something with my family or my friends, he would make up some excuse as to why I didn't need to go or there was something that he wanted to do with me. (which always resulted in us doing nothing) at first (for the first 3 years) I went along with it just so that he wouldn't get upset even though it made me mad. he constantly made everything out to be about him. Meaning telling me that I need to think of him first and make sure I do what makes him happy and not worry about anything else. about 1 year ago, I finally broke and told him I was un happy and I was pretty sure I wanted the marriage over. the problem was that he began to break down and tell me he was sorry and that he really loved me and he would change. he made me feel bad (another part to his controlling nature to get what he wanted) so I agreed to stay to try to work it out. nothing changed for at least 9 months after that. we began to argue more and more and it got easier and easier to say I wanted to leave. I still haven't, but some things have changed now. he doesn't call me all day while I am at work like he used to. I don't have to tell him where I am every 5 minutes. but he still makes excuses when I want to go places by myself or with a friend (which is about 1 person) he tells me now that he knows I would like to have more friends but he feels like they will be against him so I can't. the friend I do have is actually one of his ex girlfriends. I am not a jealous person so this doesn't bother me but everyone in our life is some how either related to him or were his friends when we began dating. I still deep down want out of the marriage, but he makes me feel like I cant make it on my own. I also don't want to destroy my childs life either by us separating. I am so unhappy and I feel depressed when he is at home with me. what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Caryopteris Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Most personalities won't put up with this behavior for 5 minutes, and you've been in this for 6 years. Why? Why have a child with such a person? Well it's too late now to not have a child with this person, but you need to start separating your assets and making for a clean getaway. Since there is a child you need a lawyer. Get a good one because this guy isn't going to want to let you go and it could get ugly. He is a bully and a lawyer can handle a bully. Then you can act nice and try to preserve enough civility to be able to share time with the child. I was married for 23 years to a guy who wasn't the right match for me. Don't do that. You think you're depressed now ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rgray09 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Well we do already have separate bank accounts that the other cannot access. And you right I do think it will be a ugly separation. And that is one of the things that makes me nervous about it. If the fight after I leave is going to be worse than the one that I am fighting now then Im not sure that I want to do it. I think when we married I was in love with the idea of what a happy and life would be and I didn't see what was really happening. I cannot even count how many times I have said I was leaving but then he always has something to say that just makes me feel like I am nothing. So I stay. Another thing that worries me is that we live in a small town and his family is very big around the town and I am worried that everyone will be on his side on everything and try to make my life worse. (I do expect them to support him) I know he loves me and I know he loves his son, but knowing that there is a love there enough to make someone happy? I do care for him, but I am not in love with him. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 If you are considering working on the marriage, get to counselling. Fast. Give it a time frame (3-6 months) where you are open with him about working on the marriage, but counselling would be a must. If you are done with the marriage, then just jump into that with both feet. Know that it will be ugly either way, but as long as you are positive, it will just be him that drags it into ugliness. Sounds to me like you're being manipulated and he's not really willing to change. Staying based on that will only make things much worse for you as the years go by. Your child will be OK. Divorce is hard, but just love them and be supportive. They'll get through it. With divorce rates close to 50% and the number of kids coming out of divorced families, the stats show kids can be totally fine. You need to get over the image you had in your head of what your marriage should look like. Your real marriage is nothing like it at all. You can either accept what your marriage really is (and work on reconciling to make it better), or get to separating so you'll keep your sanity. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rgray09 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 Well its not that I am upset I am married in general so naturally working on it seems to be the answer. However, this has been going on for a very long time and i do see changes but with the same problem. I think my opinions on marriage and his opinions on marriage are totally different and that is a conflict that we will never be able to get past. Each time we get into a huge argument I think the next big fight and I am out of here. But that's happened a million times and I just can't bring myself to leave. I do know that deep down I do want out of the marriage, but i guess I am just scared to leave. Thanks for your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
bv120 Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 I still deep down want out of the marriage, but he makes me feel like I cant make it on my own. I also don't want to destroy my childs life either by us separating. I am so unhappy and I feel depressed when he is at home with me. what should I do? You list all the wrong reasons for remaining in the marriage. Deep down you want out of the marriage. Get yourself an attorney, work up an exit plan, and get your divorce started. Repeat after me: "I want a divorce. I need a divorce. And I'm getting a divorce." Life's way too short! bv Link to post Share on other sites
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