Qqq Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone, Long story short me and my ex broke up a little over 8 months ago. Since then she has basically texted messaged me, called or emailed everyday. Maybe she skipped a day or two here and there but basically it has been every day in some fashion or another. They are normally guilt trip messages, like how could you do this to me? I cant live without you, I cant meet anyone because they arent you, why wont you give me another chance? Im begging you please... Etc My problem is we were together a little over 10 years, since I was 25. I am now 35 and let the relationship go longer then it should have. I knew maybe 4 years ago that I wanted out but tried to convince myself that I could make it work. I also felt bad to do it. I know, I know... I am horrible for stringing it along so long but it is what happened and I cant go back and change it. I just cared about her so much that I didnt want to hurt her. So basically every time she would contact me via messages (never phone calls for some reason) I would acknowledge them by either writing back or calling. Sometimes she would text back or answer the phone and sometimes nothing until the next message the next day. Needless to say, this has drained me after 8 months. About a month or so ago she didnt contact me for 13 days so I was happy it was finally over. But on the 14th day she started again. I called her and she really was not good. Crying, pleading, apologizing, begging, guilting me etc... So the next day I ignored her texts all day and the next day she was going nuts on how could I just ignore her and not care at all... etc Now here is my problem. I feel like I ruined her life after 10 years of dating, engaged for 2, I broke it off and she cant handle it. I feel like I am responsible for her until she gets through this. I know she wont get through it if I keep babying her and acknowledging her because it gives her false hope. When I say responsible for her I mean I cant move on until I know shes okay and I dont want her hating me and thinking we never had anything and I feel soooo bad when I hear her crying or reading her texts that I want to talk to her or at least let her know I am here. I dont know. I know most of you are going to say No contact and I agree, but a few times I tried it and was up all night in bed upset that I didnt call her or text her back. I imagined her crying her in room, broken and alone and it kills me. And no I do not want to get back with her because I know I cant spend my life with her. I love her in the sense I care about her and we were together for a really long time. But I am not over the moon in love with her to the point where I want to spend my entire life with her. So I ended it. I mean 8 months and 2 weeks is a long time to be dealing with this, correct? I mean it has been close to 250 days of dealing with this. I thought she would of let go by now. I know I am to blame as well for acknowledging it. But in actuality I will call her and she wont answer or if I text her back she doesnt answer. So its not like we are having conversations or anything. My texts might be like, "Hey I just got your text. Are you okay? If you need to talk you can call me." Or if I call I dont leave a message, the missed call is enough. So its not like I am leading her on causing her to think there is hope, right? I just want her to move on so I can. It will be a year before I know it and its getting a little out of hand now. She lives an hour from me and works a lot, so theres no chance of her popping in or us running into each other thank God. Any advice? Or anyone ever been through this? Thanks for reading all that too. Edited March 29, 2014 by Qqq
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 You're leading her on. Just like you did for those 4 years when you knew you wanted out and didn't break up with her. You need to cut her off. Continuing to talk to her is assuaging your own guilt but you're not doing her any good. I know you think you're being the good guy by replying to her but you're not. You're SO SO SO not. Read ANY of the threads in this section and you'll get it. You're hurting her by letting this continue. You are wasting her precious time.
Author Qqq Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 You really think that is leading her on? I tried the no contact and she really can't handle that. She texts and calls leaving messages saying how can I ignore her, didn't she ever mean anything to me? I owe her the respect to call her back or at least acknowledge what she is saying. Basically really guilt trips me into calling her or texting her back. If I thought she was being a bitch I would have no issues with blocking her and forgetting about it, but she is still having a really hard time with it. I ran into her brothers friend the other day and he told me he's never seen anyone take a breakup so bad. He said she barely eats or leaves the house. He said her brother stays at his house a lot because he can't sleep over her crying all night. I mean how am I suppose to just say, oh well and move on? I feel like I destroyed her. I don't know. Just wanted to vent I guess.
SCJACK Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 You really think that is leading her on? I tried the no contact and she really can't handle that. She texts and calls leaving messages saying how can I ignore her, didn't she ever mean anything to me? I owe her the respect to call her back or at least acknowledge what she is saying. Basically really guilt trips me into calling her or texting her back. If I thought she was being a bitch I would have no issues with blocking her and forgetting about it, but she is still having a really hard time with it. I ran into her brothers friend the other day and he told me he's never seen anyone take a breakup so bad. He said she barely eats or leaves the house. He said her brother stays at his house a lot because he can't sleep over her crying all night. I mean how am I suppose to just say, oh well and move on? I feel like I destroyed her. I don't know. Just wanted to vent I guess. You did destroy her. It was a long relationship so it's going to take her awhile to get over it. You feel guilty for not replying but everytime you do that, it gives her false hope and will prolong her healing. Keep NC and don't reply no matter how bad it gets. One day she will understand, replying is only temporary relief for her. and temporary relief only causes pain for her until you choose to get back with her.
KaliLove Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Oh my..this girl sounds like a complete whack job. This whole situation is REALLY unhealthy for both of you. She desperately needs psychological help. She will NEVER get over you if you keep talking to her. Do you plan on talking to this girl every day for the rest of your life? How do you think your future wife will feel about that? She is obsessed with you and you're encouraging her. You're taking the path of least resistance right now but how will this affect both of you in the future? This is such a ridiculously unhealthy situation. She sounds like she needs to be medicated, if not institutionalized. She's clearly got some major mental health problems. You can't help her. She needs professional help. This reaction is not even remotely normal..do you understand that? A healthy person does NOT react this way to a break up.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 You're continuing to feed her unhealthy, emotionally unstable state by continuing regular contact. If you really care about her, you'll go completely NO CONTACT. Of course she's hurt and devastated. You were together for 10 years and engaged to be married, but what you're doing now is even WORSE and prolonging her ability to heal from it. She will NEVER move on as long as you continue to throw her breadcrumbs and make her think there's a chance for reconciliation, because let's face it, that's what she's hoping. That with time, you'll eventually change your mind and take her back. So as long as you keep this up, she will keep her end up, and continue to riddle you with the guilt of deciding to move on. You're not doing yourself or HER any favors by continuing this charade another minute! **Let me also add that if you simply BLOCK her number and all avenues of contact, then you won't have to be up late nights worrying about how she's taking it when she attempts to send you these messages of despair.
bluegreen Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Each one of us is responsible for own actions PERIOD. You are not her daddy brother or savior you are now her EX who did not force her to be with him for 10 years. Change the number Delete Social Media go poof in the Air No you are not bastard for doing that we absolve you of any guilt. ps: But if you insist on being kind contact few close friends or family members and advise them on having her sent to professional M D trained to deal with people with her problems.
guest572 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Well,, i wouldnt say she is a whack job. She is contacting you for sympathy and attention and to cling on to you and when you respond you are reinforcing that.
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