Cpt Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Hey fellow LS members. I have a problem with something that happened a while ago with my gf that I thought was resolved but now and again pops up in my mind. Lately it has been really bothering me a lot. In December last year I was on vacation with my gf, and on one of the days she got upset about something I had done and dissappeared for a couple of hours. I had no idea where she was, and she kept saying "I will be back in a couple of minutes" several times on the phone during a period of about 2 hours, but was not back until after almost 3 hours. She picked up her phone everytime I called though. She got to the hotel room, we had a fight and resolved things. The next day in the morning she gets a call from the hotel janitor/security guy (she had his number saved), she was in the shower so I answered. As soon he heard it was a male voice he hung up. I tell the gf this in a joking manner and she gets defensive that I "shouldn't answer her phone calls", and this was the first time she ever said this! I always answer her phone whenever she isn't able to answer and take a message for her, so I got suspicious. I looked at her call history when she was in the shower and there were about 4 calls between the 2 of them during the time she had dissappeared. The calls were only like 30secs long average the longest being a minute. I confronted her about the whole situation (didnmt mention the call history to her). And she got really angry at me asking me what kind of girl I think she is blablabla so we resolved things. But I never got closure on what those calls were about and why they occured. Its eating me up inside, trust has reduced and I don't know if I should confront her about this or just breakup?
Artie Lang Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 well, i wouldn't be calling a lawyer just yet, but i say keep your eyes and ears open. trust your gut... ALWAYS trust your gut. 4
lolablue17 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) The "what kind of a girl do you think I am" phrase is very disturbing. In my dictionary this phrase is equal to "I have something to hide and my solution is to attack back telling you you are crazy" Yes of course she is hiding something. It's not sure that she had something physical with him but she clearly met him (those calls were to set up the meeting). 1. you can drop it. (the most recommended option) 2. if you cant drop it, think ahead the "what if.." game so you will be prepared. What if she met him and only talked to him? What if she kissed and made out with him? What if she slept with him? Try to decide what do you want to do in any of the possibilities you think of mainly - "What if" she refuses to admit anything? for example, If you're planning to do nothing (because that's what will surely happen - she will refuse to cooperate), Dont even start raising the subject. drop it. Then after you're prepared to risk you R- confront her. but you should be clever. She will never admit anything. so just confronting her will achieve nothing. You should do it from a position of power. She has to know you're one step from leaving her (you should be determined your self) if she isn't cooperate. She should provide reasonable perfect explanations for the phone calls, for the fact that she put him in her phone memory, for him hanging up. and for the 3 hours she disappeared. If you dont get any confession or good explanations, Leave her. I still recommend option 1 - to drop it. Edited March 29, 2014 by lolablue17
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 You don't secretely set up a meeting with a security guy/janitor while you're at an hotel on vacation to "talk to him" for hours (about what? he's not a friend) so something physical probably happened, as there is no other reason to do something like that. On the other hand, you have no real evidence and she's never gonna admit anything, so either you are ready to end the relationship, or you just have to drop the subject because there's no way to know more than you already know. If you stay, however, I think you better watch her future behaviour....
Author Cpt Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 She claimed that she was alone during that time and wanted to be alone. I should just ask her casually if she talked to anyone else on the phone during that time, to see if she lies about it. She doesn't know that I know about the calls. I know 100% for a fact that they did not have sex, don't ask how I know (very personal), but anything else could have happened. I honestly don't care if she cheated or not, I just couldn't tolerate the deception. She is otherwise a great girl, obviously not perfect, but this is the only issue I have had with her so far and she is not the type to have sex outside of relationships, but everything else I don't doubt is possible (kissing another guy, grinding on a guy in a club etc). lolablue do you really think she is hiding something because of that phrase? She was obviously pissed off coz I said to her that it had been bothering me for some time and the way I approached the discussion was very serious, so that escalated the magnitude of the situation from her perspective. Not sure if I would have recieved the same response had I casually brought it up.
Author Cpt Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Yes of course she is hiding something. It's not sure that she had something physical with him but she clearly met him (those calls were to set up the meeting). Reading this just made me feel uneasy inside. I just have a feeling that if she did, then what italianjob (nice username btw) said might be true oh man this sucks.
Author Cpt Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Might I also add that the calls were about half an hour apart. Does that change anything?
fellini Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 She is your GF (so yeah, I think calling a lawyer is a bit harsh!) Just sit her down and ask her politely and in a way that she can explain. If she tries to side step and accuse back, you simply need to be firm and polite. And let her know that to you it's not good for your relationship to have a simple issue like this eating away at your doubt. Ask her to put your mind at rest by telling you what you need to know. Then let it go.
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Maybe the half hour gap between calls does change the outlook of this. If the guy had security duties, and had seen her storm out in anger he might have been checking on her to make sure everything was all right. Do you know why she saved the guy's number? Who called who first? Did your arguing involve loud shouting or did it get somehow physical or close to that? Different circumstances may tell a different story. I wouldn't ask her about talking to someone on the phone in that time frame, it would be obvious you know she did. You might make some casual remark about the guy when the topic of that vacation comes up in conversation (like "I think the janitor was kind of creepy" or something like that, not directly involving her) and see how she reacts to that.
thummper Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 If you've lost your trust in her because of her shifty and devious reaction to your questions, then you might have to end this. If you don't have trust, you don't have a real relationship. Good luck.
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I have stayed at a great many hotels in my life and have NEVER given my cell phone to a janitor/security personnel. If it had to do with hotel business, they would have talked to you. How do you know that is who it was? If it was I would have reported him to the manager. If she left and was gone to cool her head, I can understand that situation, but don't understand calling the hotel staff. Her story has more holes in it than a box of swiss cheese.
road Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Maybe the half hour gap between calls does change the outlook of this. If the guy had security duties, and had seen her storm out in anger he might have been checking on her to make sure everything was all right. Do you know why she saved the guy's number? Who called who first? Did your arguing involve loud shouting or did it get somehow physical or close to that? Different circumstances may tell a different story. I wouldn't ask her about talking to someone on the phone in that time frame, it would be obvious you know she did. You might make some casual remark about the guy when the topic of that vacation comes up in conversation (like "I think the janitor was kind of creepy" or something like that, not directly involving her) and see how she reacts to that. Sounds like you have had a lot of experience lying to cover up affairs.
road Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I have stayed at a great many hotels in my life and have NEVER given my cell phone to a janitor/security personnel. If it had to do with hotel business, they would have talked to you. How do you know that is who it was? If it was I would have reported him to the manager. If she left and was gone to cool her head, I can understand that situation, but don't understand calling the hotel staff. Her story has more holes in it than a box of swiss cheese. Everything points to this guy's GF cheating. Gently and firmly confront the GF. Then tell her you are going to schedule a polygraph test. Then call the PD for a reference on good poly examiners. Then set the appointment then tell your GF the time and date.
lolablue17 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 lolablue do you really think she is hiding something because of that phrase? She was obviously pissed off coz I said to her that it had been bothering me for some time and the way I approached the discussion was very serious, so that escalated the magnitude of the situation from her perspective. Not sure if I would have recieved the same response had I casually brought it up. I realy dont know what have happened there. Maybe nothing has happend and she only went to cool herself and met this guy accidently and vented a little. Who knows? I would say - You had your chance to clear everything in that time. You missed that chance by dropping it. if you get back to it now, you're in an inferior position. So if you can swallow it and move on it's the best option. Only if you can't - be prepared to a big drama which you can't predict the consequences.
d0nnivain Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I really don't see cheating in here. I do see unresolved anger issues, poor communication & mistrust. If I had to guess, I'd say the GF wanted to be alone. The BF pestered her -- constantly calling. Somewhere in there, she lost something & told the hotel about it. A hotel person called her back to give her an update but because she was still harboring residual anger from the earlier fight, she overreacted to the BF answering her phone. She should have been straightforward when he asked what transpired while they were apart & explained why the hotel guy was calling but she was probably too annoyed to think straight & all she wanted to do was be indignant because he answered her phone. Asking if she talked to anybody isn't going to get the OP the answer he wants. She may not consider a practical conversation with somebody helping her to be a conversation. If I was the OP I'd calmly say that he doesn't want to rehash the events that he's glad the fight is behind them but he'd really like her to put his active imagination to rest. He should say he's worried about her & didn't want anything to happen to her while they were apart. He should explain that he answered the phone to be helpful not nosy but he doesn't understand why the caller hung up & could she please clarify. If he approaches her nicely, he should get answers. If she still won't talk that could be a bigger problem.
Zimber Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Where I agree to trust your gut, sometimes you need to see how your gut feels against the top five possibilities maybe. How does your gut feel about the possibility that your GF, while on vacation with you, heated about some silly argument, ran off and had anger sex with the hotel help (janitor or security guard ... whew!)? You know, to even consider that possibility, you will also have to accept that you're dating a very very low quality person. Would you date a s_l_u_t of this caliber and actually expect to control her? When you look at princess, do you think she can bang the janitor, come back, kiss and make up? I'm thinking ... NO, NO WAY! More likely, she was pretty mad at you, found a distraction (guy to talk with), coordinated a bit until he was on his ... smoke break, then had a drink, walk while enjoying the attention to likely a good looking skank man but most likely inflicting a little pay back on you. It gave her the feeling she was back in control of herself rather than angry boyfriend. So, a little cognitive thinking rather than listening to guts worst case scenario, do you think she had janitor man do her with his broom stick, or that she needed a means of defying you a little and distancing herself just a tad? You know her history, maybe there are reasons for you to be concerned, but I've never dated a woman in my life I would suspect of banging the janitor stranger guy. My two cents? You're going to make yourself nuts, lose any respect she has for you by being nutty jealous boyfriend for virtually no reason. One thing I get from your post, is you two need to work a tad on your communication skills. You're getting too hot over things that don't seem that critical. Z
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Sounds like you have had a lot of experience lying to cover up affairs. Not at all. Why would you say that? When my D-day as a WH came about, it happened because my wife, without any hard evidence, only gut feeling, asked me "Is there another woman?" I found I couldn't lie to her face and just answered "Yes, there is" . That taken care of, I was convinced that the phone calls had been used to set up a meeting with the guy, but I really think that the added detail of the time gap between calls doesn't add up with that (the most obvious, at first sight) explanation so I was trying to understand if there could be something I didn't think about before. That's why I asked for more details. What I really don't understand is why someone would save a hotel staff number on the phone, but, by what the OP wrote, she didn't try to hide this detail, so I was wondering what was the explanation for that.
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Everything points to this guy's GF cheating. Gently and firmly confront the GF. Then tell her you are going to schedule a polygraph test. Then call the PD for a reference on good poly examiners. Then set the appointment then tell your GF the time and date. A polygraph test for a GF? He might as well just dump her. If she's guilty he would anyway, if she's not she would be so offended by the request that she would dump him instead IMO
BetrayedH Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I think you tell her that this is really bothering you and that you do deserve an explanation. I don't believe in secrets in an intimate relationship. This means you also need to be prepared to admit that you know about the phone calls because you snooped. Own your part and expect her to own her part. Clear the air. If she doesn't have a reasonable explanation or refuses to give one, I'd call it quits and I'd cite her dishonesty to be the cause. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Look. You saw the call history so you know that she was on the phone with him so why play games? It's obvious that this is bothering you so tell her that playtime is over and she's feeding you a line of bs. If she refuses to talk about it, then say fine and leave. If she calls, don't answer. Let her know that your not going to put up with it and if she really cares, then she'll come clean but I can't understand why you want to live under the cloud of suspicion. It's not fair to you and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
painfullyobvious Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Have the sit-down conversation that others have suggested with your girlfriend. If she lashes out, becomes defensive or gets a little threatening just redirect her and make it about communicating as others have said. Her defensiveness is a sign of hiding something not sure what. After that discussion if you are unsatisfied or she abruptly ends it just call the guy and be honest. Look dude I noticed you called the other day and hung up when I picked up as you expected my girlfriend. I noticed quite a few other calls on her phone during the time you called as well. Just be straight with me man to man who has been played by women in the past (not sure if you have but security guy doesn't know either) I just want answers because my girlfriend has been acting weird about your calls. I just want honesty so I can either leave this cheater or move forward. No hard feeling towards you because this is about my girlfriend not you. If you take this route your relationship is likely over because you don't trust her, plus your girlfriend will be pissed if she finds out you went to these lengths to find the answers. You are asking a bunch of people who have been screwed over by exes to give you information on what to do. Most would have wanted answers early on whether their exes were cheating.
Author Cpt Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Thanks everyone for taking your time to respond. Your posts have helped me to somehow come to peace with this situation. I just woke up and for some reason, I didn't care about it anymore. Whatever happened on that vacation, will be in the past. Now I can move forward with my SO. Thanks everyone, I don't really understand how this happened, but the main thing is I am at peace with this. I really appreciate it. Wow
BHsigh Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Thanks everyone for taking your time to respond. Your posts have helped me to somehow come to peace with this situation. I just woke up and for some reason, I didn't care about it anymore. Whatever happened on that vacation, will be in the past. Now I can move forward with my SO. Thanks everyone, I don't really understand how this happened, but the main thing is I am at peace with this. I really appreciate it. Wow Hey, if you're comfortable with it then who are we to judge. Just make sure that you don't trip over that bump in the carpet in the future, and you might want to make sure that it doesn't get bigger either. 2
DasPope Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 If it crops up again and bothers you the way to resolve it is simple. Without getting angry ask her to talk and calmly tell her of your issue... its your issue... you own it so share it with her. How she responds (provided you approach it in a non accusatory and non judgmental and non confrontational way ) will tell you everything you need to know about her for the past and the future.
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