I thought he was interested but he told me today he wants a friend?

[crazyforlove]

Hi,

 

So this is going to be a long post. I'm apologizing in advance. I'm also thanking you in advance for reading it all.

 

I messaged this guy on a dating site. We hit it off, chatting alot. I gave him my number, he texted me. We texted for days on end, having a non-stop conversation.

 

We met for the first time a few days after. We sat on his couch and chatted for 6 hours. He walked me to the door and hugged me goodbye.

 

Then a few days later, I took him up on his watching a movie offer. I went over, we watched the movie, cuddled, kissed/made out, he tried to reach below the waist but I stopped him and he respected my choice. We kept cuddling and making out until we fell asleep. Then the next day he made me breakfast and we talked until 7pm when I left. He kissed me goodbye.

 

We kept texting and then I saw him a little more than a week later. We cuddled, watched some of my favorite tv shows, kissed/made out. Again he reached but I said no and he respected. We fell asleep on the couch and I slept over again. In the morning, he offered to by me breakfast. He waited with me for my bus and kissed me goodbye.

 

Now here's where I felt there was a change. He started answering my texts less. It felt like I always had to contact him to hear from him. The week after he had broken his phone so I didn't hear from him. The week after that we made plans but he got sick the morning of. Then the week after that we made tentative plans but he got out of work late.

 

I personally am a giant overthinker and was starting to think maybe he's not into me. I'm also a very honest, feminist and kinda of against gender roles so I was like at least he still answers when I text or when I call.

 

Oh and I forgot to mention - once he asked me to email him something so I did. and on gmail, it says add this person to your circles, so I clicked on his profile and his about. I kinda wish I hadn't. He mentioned a wife and being a husband, even a baby dog. I started thinking OMG he's married. But then a few days later, we had a conversation where he asked me if I thought divorced guys wanted to get remarried. I answered it and thought I guess he's testing me. But I've been curious ever since I saw that in his Google+

 

So anyway, flashforward to today. We were chatting on gchat. I've been meaning to talk to him for a while now about where I stand and what he wants, etc.

So today I was like hey I have a question to ask you but I don't think gchat is the place to ask (I was planning to ask about his marriage/divorce).

He said go ahead.

I mentioned his divorce question and asked why he asked it.

He said he just wanted to ask.

And then I said well I saw some stuff on your google+ and I just wanted to be sure, are you divorce?

He said yeah.

I said Ok, just so you know it doesn't faze me but it does make me wonder what you want with me.

He said a friend.

I said Hmm, see I like you, and I like hanging out with you and I like doing the not friend things [i meant kissing, cuddling, making out, etc.].

He said well I'm not looking for a girlfriend.

I said I don't believe in looking for a relationship, it just happens when you least expect it.

He said true.

I said I'm not looking for one, but I'm open to the possibility. and he signed off.

 

So I texted him, well I still want to get to know you and hang out and I can be your friend.

He said I agree, sounds good.

I said I guess hit me up when you want to hang out?

He said Yea I'll see my schedule for next week

and I said ok.

 

Also I totally thought he was into me from his actions when we hung out and the things he said (he hinted at taking care of my finances for me when I mentioned I was bad at budgeting and he told me he wanted to go to Atlantic City when I was going). He looked at my resume and cover letter when I was applying to a promotion. He even asked me where I go to therapy and he know goes to the same clinic (not the same therapy - thank god). He said he wanted to volunteer at my non-profit. I just felt like he was into me.

 

I started to doubt him a bit because it has been more than 3 weeks since we saw each other and I felt like I was making all the effort. Now I'm just confused.

 

Now my question is - Did I screw things up by asking if he was divorced? I just wanted to make sure he wasn't married because I don't get involved with guys in a relationship or married men. It wouldn't have been a concern of mine if I hadn't seen his google+ :/

 

Do you think he liked me? I just feel like maybe I was too available and chasing him? What do you think?

[Sleepyhead]

I'm in pretty much the same situation as you right now, without the whole possible marriage thing. It's weird how they come on so strongly only to not want anything serious. The words don't match the actions.

 

I don't think you "screwed anything up" by asking about his marital status. His emotional unavailability likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his own problems. Do you know how recent the divroce was? It's possible that he's just looking for company and not trying to commit any time soon.

 

I would be really careful. Like I said I'm pretty much in the same boat-- he's acting like a boyfriend but "isn't in the emotional state" to be serious because he just got out of an LTR a month ago. It's up to you to make the choice to keep seeing him or not, but I would definitely step way back and see if he makes any effort to see you. Don't get attatched if you do decide to continue contact. Otherwise, if you want a relationship and he doesn't, the bottom line is it would be best for you to walk away and find someone who is on the same emotional page as you are.

 

... Now if only I could follow my own advice.

Edited March 29, 2014 by Sleepyhead

[Leigh 87]

Trust me.

 

If a guy is into you, he will make it known.

 

He WILL NOT say that he "doesn't want a girlfriend".

 

A man who is truly into you will have you on their mind a LOT.

 

They will want to make you their girlfriend if things go well.

 

 

 

 

These guys are NOT into you. Move on. Hang out as friends if that is what you are comfortable with. If you want more, do not agree to hang out with them. Do not continue interacting with them.

 

 

 

If they text again, I would personally say: " thanks for the fun times together, but I am not looking to be your friend. Take care"

[Gottabestrong]

Why were all your dates/hang-outs at his place? That screams 'only looking for hook-up/FWB' to me.

 

To answer you question, no, I don't think you screwed up by asking him if he was married. You said you had not seem him in 3 weeks and he had already pulled back before that, initiating less and only answering. So obviously your conversation was not the starting point for that.

 

I think what he wrote to you makes it clear that he is not interested, my advice would be to forget about him and find someone else. Oh, and don't hang out at his place for the first few times if you are not looking for a hook-up.

 

Good luck!

[OhThatGirl]

OP. Come on now. Are you serious??

 

This guy is interested in sex and that's it. Nothing more.

 

He made no effort whatsoever to take you on proper dates, moved very quickly physically, was only ever inviting you over to "watch a movie/tv" and kept trying to get in your pants. He wasn't initiating conversation because you hadn't put out the couple times he had you over and loss interest.

 

How is this anything but clear? You think asking if he was divorced made him run? No. Not getting sex (the only thing he wanted from you) made him lose interest. How do you feel AT ALL ashamed of asking him about his marital status when you're making out on his couch?? Where are your standards? Your self esteem or confidence?!?

 

Listen to me: When meeting someone from the internet do NOT end up on his couch the first time you meet, do not agree to go to his house to "watch movies" unless you're ready to give sex, look for a man that wants to take you on REAL dates, do NOT be the one to initiate conversation.

 

You must be young, right?

 

This guy has "I'm looking for sex and ZERO commitment or emotional attachment" written all over him. The fact you missed the big clear signs that's all he wants is alarming.

 

Please be more careful and avoid going to men's houses when you don't know them. This is how real life horror stories start.

[crazyforlove]

Thanks for the comments.

 

I only went over the first time because he had a cast on his leg. He had gotten into a car accident right before I met him. I know it's very unsafe and that's how horror stories start. I never do that usually.

 

I went over the first few times because he was on bed rest. He did suggest we meet for dinner or drinks, we just never got around to it.

 

I definitely felt like he was acting like someone who was interested in me. We would have long conversations and still do. We chat on the phone every week. He'd hold my hand. And I just felt like he was saying all the stuff a guy who's interested in more says.

 

Now that I see what he really wants, I can definitely just be his friend and not want more. I will take him at his word. And I'm not going to be initiating any more contact with him.

[HappyLove]

Really?! You kept hanging out with some dude you met on the internet on his COUCH??? He never even took you out? Don't you deserve better? How can a man treat you better than you treat yourself? As a woman you show a man how to treat you. You only go on proper dates when first meeting a man. I mean you deserve so much more. He displayed absolutely no effort and there you were in his house. Yes, he is only interested in sex not a relationship. Please do better for yourself, be careful, and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's looking for a f*ck-buddy.

[smackie9]

Don't just go hang out with some random guy at his house....do you know how dangerous that is? You are leaving yourself very vulnerable to having been raped. Wise up. Just because a guy texts you alot doesn't mean he is interested in a relationship. Some guys are predators on these sites and will do and say all the right things to mislead you.

 

First off, only go see guys that actually ask you out on a date that are in public places.

 

Don't ever go to their place, or invite them to your place.

 

While out on dates, see if he has good qualities, like he is interested in YOU as a person, not what is your favorite sexual position or how many dates does take to get you in the sack. If he keep bringing up the topic of sex, ditch him.

 

Things to look for in the right guy is, he introduces you to his friends, and or family.

Doesn't force the issue of sex.

Actually calls you when he tells you he is going to call you.

If he cancels on a date, he sets another time right away.

Is consistent with his contact with you.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the comments.

 

I only went over the first time because he had a cast on his leg. He had gotten into a car accident right before I met him. I know it's very unsafe and that's how horror stories start. I never do that usually.

 

I went over the first few times because he was on bed rest. He did suggest we meet for dinner or drinks, we just never got around to it.

 

I definitely felt like he was acting like someone who was interested in me. We would have long conversations and still do. We chat on the phone every week. He'd hold my hand. And I just felt like he was saying all the stuff a guy who's interested in more says.

 

Now that I see what he really wants, I can definitely just be his friend and not want more. I will take him at his word. And I'm not going to be initiating any more contact with him.

 

I hope you realize that even with a cast on his leg he can get all over you. The point is you don't know this guy from Adam. He may have looked ok to you but you did ignored the first round of him trying to dig into your pants. That's a red flag right there.

 

Tip:don't do sleep overs if you are not ready to have sex with them. You are sending the wrong signal to the guy when you are willing to stay over.

Edited March 29, 2014 by smackie9

[crazyforlove]

Ok thanks everyone. I understand all your concern for my safety. I understand that going to his place the first time wasn't the best choice. I acknowledge that.

 

Personally, I do acknowledge that I have to work on myself before I get with anyone. I have a fear of ending up alone and I'm not really happy when I'm single.

 

I want to work on being happy single. Where can I post about that in this forum?

[smackie9]

Ok thanks everyone. I understand all your concern for my safety. I understand that going to his place the first time wasn't the best choice. I acknowledge that.

 

Personally, I do acknowledge that I have to work on myself before I get with anyone. I have a fear of ending up alone and I'm not really happy when I'm single.

 

I want to work on being happy single. Where can I post about that in this forum?

why not here? You already have our attention

[crazyforlove]

why not here? You already have our attention

 

Sure! So I think I've gotten to the point where I've realized that I'm not happy when I'm single. I'm always worried about ending up alone and looking for the one. I want to break that because I'm pretty sure I'm coming off desperate.

 

I seem to always start on this path of being happy being single, then some guy expresses interest and I give them a shot. I know I have to learn to say no and raise my standards but I've been so scared to end up alone. I'm terrible at dating because I get so invested in one guy at a time and usually end up sleeping with them too soon and they just want FWB. The last two guys I was dating though I was good about not sleeping with them so I'm getting better at it.

 

I just realized in the 10 years of dating I've done (I mean from puppy love of 14 years old to now I'm 24), I haven't really had much time being truly alone where I wasn't talking to someone or someone wasn't interested.

 

I do go to therapy (I have dealt with clinical depression in college and sometimes it reoccurs) so I want to start discussing this with my therapist my next session. I have also deleted my online dating profiles. I plan to start watching what I eat, exercising, continue writing, reading, and looking for a better job. I want to be the strong confidence woman that I know is inside me.

 

Any more tips?

Edited March 29, 2014 by crazyforlove

[smackie9]

Work on developing friendships, improving ones you ready have and create new ones. Having a strong social circle will fill that void, rather than filling it with attention from guys.

 

Maybe step out of your comfort zone and go out and try new things. Challenge yourself. Sign up on an entertainment site for your area, and look up different events and check them out. It will give you fun experiences and the opportunity to meet new people.

[crazyforlove]

Work on developing friendships, improving ones you ready have and create new ones. Having a strong social circle will fill that void, rather than filling it with attention from guys.

 

Maybe step out of your comfort zone and go out and try new things. Challenge yourself. Sign up on an entertainment site for your area, and look up different events and check them out. It will give you fun experiences and the opportunity to meet new people.

 

I think that's good advice especially because I've come to a point where I think I want to be good friends with someone before I even consider dating them.

[smackie9]

I think that's good advice especially because I've come to a point where I think I want to be good friends with someone before I even consider dating them.

 

True dat, but remember you need to communicate this to them so they are not confused with your intentions.

 

Best for you right now is to invest in female friends so you don't fall back onto your old ways.

[starrynightz45]

This guy was only trying to get into your pants. He gave it two shots, you didn't allow it, so he's done.

 

You hung out with him twice, and twice at his home on his couch? Come on. He hasn't taken you out on a single proper date, why would you think his intentions were anything other than to get into your pants. Of course he stopped when you asked him to stop - he's not going force you into sex - but that doesn't say much. He hasn't had to plan anything, take you anywhere, or spend a single dollar on you. The easiest, cheapest, fastest thing = inviting you to his place in the hopes of getting into your pants. That's all this was. Drop this loser. It's not because you asked him about the divorce.

[smackie9]

Read through the thread, she realizes that from everyone telling her what you just posted. She's done with him already. She has another question on how to work on improving her life and enjoy being single.

[crazyforlove]

True dat, but remember you need to communicate this to them so they are not confused with your intentions.

 

Best for you right now is to invest in female friends so you don't fall back onto your old ways.

 

Yeah see the thing is I feel like in my age range, all the women I meet are in relationships. I don't really have that many awesome single women in my life that like to go out like I do. And it's kinda hard for me to have female friends. I have a lot of guy friends with where it's complete platonic.

[smackie9]

Yeah see the thing is I feel like in my age range, all the women I meet are in relationships..

 

You are just making excuses...just because they are in a relationship doesn't mean their social life is dead. I'm married and I welcome any opportunity to have a girls night out.

 

Even when I was single, most of my GFs were in relationships, it didn't stop us from hanging out together with or without BFs/husbands. We would go out clubbing, have house parties, camping trips...it was so much fun. I had a good mix of male and female friends some single some not and we did a LOT of partying.

 

You want to see changes happen in your life, start with your point of view. Out with the old and in with the new.

[crazyforlove]

You are just making excuses...just because they are in a relationship doesn't mean their social life is dead. I'm married and I welcome any opportunity to have a girls night out.

 

Even when I was single, most of my GFs were in relationships, it didn't stop us from hanging out together with or without BFs/husbands. We would go out clubbing, have house parties, camping trips...it was so much fun. I had a good mix of male and female friends some single some not and we did a LOT of partying.

 

You want to see changes happen in your life, start with your point of view. Out with the old and in with the new.

 

For some of my GFs in relationships, it IS like their social life is dead. I feel like I ask them out and they never can come because of their BFs. Personally I don't think that's healthy but to each their own. Also some of my most awesome single GFs live in different cities from me.

 

I am working on making more girl friends in nyc because I don't have many. Right now I go out to bars and parties mostly with my guy friends who are just as awesome and they can cheer me up and have a good time.

[Damaged217]

Oh, crazyforlove, I was in your same exact shoes a year ago. I, too, would be depressed whenever I was single and that was because I depended on guys to make me happy. Do you live in the suburbs or a big city? I found my happiness by moving to the city and meeting all sorts of new and interesting people. I developed a love for running and through running a met a bunch of fun gals who I go running with and we do social things together. I'm 30 and they are all late 30s and older. I never thought I'd be hanging out with chicks that much older than me, but they are awesome.

 

Do you have any hobbies? Just do things that make you happy and do them often and you'll find that you don't even care if you're single or not. I have a boyfriend and I'm happy whether he's around or not. This is new to me and I love it. You'll get there, chick.

[Damaged217]

Oops. Just saw you live in NYC. That's awesome! There's so much to do there. Just pursue your hobbies and you're bound to meet cool people to hang out.

[crazyforlove]

Thanks! I'm actually feeling a lot better today (I spend the day in bed yesterday just really facing my truth, thinking and realizing things, I went out with friends at night and they cheered me up as well as this thread ). I know it hasn't been too long since I found out the truth regarding this guy but it was kind of a relief because I had been stressing out for a while.

 

-I started thinking, did I really want to date him? No, I don't know him enough. I want to be friends with someone before I date them. If he really does want to be my friend, I am down for it but he needs to make the effort.

-Am I even ready for a relationship right now? No, I need some time to be alone. And I want a relationship to happen when I least expect it. I am always open to the possibility but I don't want to be looking for it.

-Do I want a friend with benefits? Not with him because I did like him. I have one and it's the only one that seems to actually work, but I haven't even called him in a few months.

-Do I want to sleep around? No. I have been there and done that. I have no interest in it anymore.

-Do I want to be dependent on a guy for my happiness? Hell no.

 

I mean I think my fear comes from many things:

-I have self esteem issues because I was always called fat growing up even though I never truly was. I still think I'm fat these days and I am now obese to the point that is affecting my health.

-The societal pressure. I feel like everyone is always asking whether or not I have a boyfriend, if I want a family and kids. I do but it will happen when it happens. Ironically, my mom is one of the few people in my family who doesn't want me to have a relationship. She wants me to be alone and get my career where I want it to me. She always tells me you don't need a man. I love her for it.

-I do want to work on my weight and get to be healthy but I just don't feel motivated enough. I just need to do it.

-I hate when people say "how are you single? you're so awesome." It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me but I know there's not.

-I feel like everyone around me is in relationships and I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on something. I do believe I much rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.

-I just feel like not too many guys approach me in general. Like I'm told I'm pretty and have a pretty good body but I feel like only creeps who want to sleep with me are the ones who make moves. And then a handful of guys who aren't creeps approach me but when I give them a chance, they screw up and I get dumped. It makes me feel like I'm just not going to find someone on my level so I used to settle, not anymore though. I know I need to stick to my standards. I do think logically like I'm only 24, almost 25. I will meet someone. I do believe waiting makes it sweeter.

 

I am firmly sticking to my promise of being truly single without talking or dating a guy for the next 6 months. I want to build my confidence. I want to be make more friends.

[preraph]

I have to add that even those "nice" things he talks about helping you with raise a red flag for me, partly because he's getting too far into your affairs for a stranger, particularly the money part, and partly because conventional wisdom with men trying to get laid a lot is to tell women they're into everything the woman says they're into.

 

Just be aware that there are a whole lot of scammers on those sites looking for someone they can get money from and, of course, just have sex with. He very likely is still married, quite honestly.