sportzhl24 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Hey there, I'm just trying to quit my jealous tendencies as a 22 y/o male. I lost my last gf partly due to jealousy/co-dependency/possessiveness and I don't want that to happen again with this new RS. My new gf is a wonderful woman whom I am very fond of but I cannot seem to escape feelings of jealously. She is a bit of a flirt which doesn't make things easy but I still acknowledge that my jealous feelings are irrational. For example whenever she talks to another decently looking guy I get a short pang of jealously. Or when I think about how good looking she is and how free spirited she is, I sort of get put back even though I consider myself to be a good looking free spirited guy. And I even see myself developing jealousy between her and some of my friends, even though I know that is completely silly. I can feel myself putting her on a pedestal already, which is exactly what I don't want to do because I know how poisonous that is!! How can I stop this? Any advice? I cannot afford to f*** up this relationship.
Noproblem Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Well, just think about it this way ..If she is going to cheat on you, she will ... so enjoy the relationship while it lasts ..... She is with you right now, if she wanted to leave you and choose this hot guy or that hot guy she would have ..But she chose you but the more you act in a crazy way the more you make he leave you soon ..I mean mild jealousy is cute ..But anything that exceeds that is dangerous. You know that already, try to read books this one Life Without Jealousy: A Practical Guide (10-Step Empowerment) http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Jealousy-Practical-Empowerment/dp/1932690859 and this one Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness Paperback by Paul A. Hauck Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness: Paul A. Hauck: 9780664243746: Amazon.com: Books 1
Gottabestrong Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I suggest you talk to a counselor, or if that is not possible, you buy self-help books on how to overcome irrational jealousy. It is a good start to recognize that you have a problem. But if you don't want to drive your girlfriend away, you need to work on that. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 For example whenever she talks to another decently looking guy I get a short pang of jealously. Or when I think about how good looking she is and how free spirited she is, I sort of get put back even though I consider myself to be a good looking free spirited guy. And I even see myself developing jealousy between her and some of my friends, even though I know that is completely silly. I can feel myself putting her on a pedestal already, which is exactly what I don't want to do because I know how poisonous that is!! How can I stop this? Any advice? I cannot afford to f*** up this relationship. I would agree with reading some of those books suggested above. Before they arrive and before you start learning how to let these feelings go look at what you posted above. Imagine a life where she is not free spirited any longer, not ever flirty (with you or anyone) and doesn't speak to any other men except you. (this means of course that she probably wouldn't be able to hold down a job, nor a place at college, she wouldn't be able to do her own shopping in case there was a man at the checkout). Which girl do you prefer? Which one would you date? There is no passion without risk. Accepting risk is part of growing up. Also,pedestals are along way to fall...plus it's lonely up there. If as you say she is free spirited she'll feel trapped on that pedestal. I've been there and it's a horrible place to be. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 When you find yourself having these jealous thoughts, stop & acknowledge them. Make a point to replace those thoughts with the fact she picked you to be her BF 1
Author sportzhl24 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Yeah I think therapy would help. Also I'll look into those books on jealousy. It's just hard because I know that these thoughts are irrational yet I am trapped within them. I really cant afford to drive somebody away again, because that is devastating when that happens. Is there any way to just let go?
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I have a question. When you were a child, did your parents divorce or didn't get to spend a lot of time with your father? Something tragic happened? Your jealousy could be linked to abandonment issues. This can't easily be undone over night, this would have to be worked on over time with a therapist.
Author sportzhl24 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 I have a question. When you were a child, did your parents divorce or didn't get to spend a lot of time with your father? Something tragic happened? Your jealousy could be linked to abandonment issues. This can't easily be undone over night, this would have to be worked on over time with a therapist. I had a fairly normal childhood. Sure we had family issues but nothing extremely traumatic. It's funny you ask because there have been therapists who have tried to tell me that something indeed did happen when I was a kid but I cannot recall anything. I do have self-esteem issues however, I think this might tie into jealousy issues.
Trnamakesnse Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Believe in yourself. That is how my man. Believe you deserve a wonderful and beautiful woman and you won't feel fear when she speaks to other men because you know she's yours alone. I've had girls that talk to other guys I'm competing with to get her in the beginning, I've had the girls ask me to sing to them (like "he" does though they never say so) and I try and say boop can't sing sorry xD. I don't feel bad, I don't judge myself or compare, I'm me 100%. I'm funny, kind, caring, and very much a loving man. Believe in yourself and you won't feel that jealousy anymore I promise.
Tayken Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 OP...if you are both that age, it's not uncommon for chicks that age to play the mind game BS. Your option, ignore it (even though you might not like it), and just say to yourself...am the one banging her at the end of the day If she sees that you ain't getting worked up, she will drop that nonsense. What you don't want to do however, is join in the same silly games If she continues to do it and it gets out of hand, they move on and find a non-slutty person. A man might like a slut to bang, but not for long term GF/ wife Hey there, I'm just trying to quit my jealous tendencies as a 22 y/o male. I lost my last gf partly due to jealousy/co-dependency/possessiveness and I don't want that to happen again with this new RS. My new gf is a wonderful woman whom I am very fond of but I cannot seem to escape feelings of jealously. She is a bit of a flirt which doesn't make things easy but I still acknowledge that my jealous feelings are irrational. For example whenever she talks to another decently looking guy I get a short pang of jealously. Or when I think about how good looking she is and how free spirited she is, I sort of get put back even though I consider myself to be a good looking free spirited guy. And I even see myself developing jealousy between her and some of my friends, even though I know that is completely silly. I can feel myself putting her on a pedestal already, which is exactly what I don't want to do because I know how poisonous that is!! How can I stop this? Any advice? I cannot afford to f*** up this relationship. 1
mr_dave Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I was in a similar situation, I had an attractive, free-spirited flirty girlfriend. My mindset was that she picked me, so she must think I'm better in her mind than those other guys. That gave me a lot of confidence. I thought I had nothing to worry about. It took her three and a half years, but she proved me wrong eventually. Now if I had a similar girlfriend I would try not to get too attached (which probably defeats the whole point of a relationship) and probably wouldn't feel comfortable in the relationship. I know I'm no better than any other guy, so it'd probably happen again eventually.
jay1983 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 That's pretty extreme, I'm the jealous type too, but not that bad.
3j15 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I know how you're feeling man, I am battling a jealousy, controlling and possessive issue I have over my relationships. I will say I lost my last GF due to me over reacting and getting on her case about the stupidest things. It seems like you already learned your lesson from your previous relationship, but I will say try to remember this when you feel jealous. She wants to be with you, or else she would be with someone else. If she had done something to break your trust than yeah you have a reason to feel jealous, if not you're over reacting. If she really doesnt want to be with you, or she is going around texting flirting with other guys do you really want to be with that type of girl? Luckily jealousy is a emotion that we can control. We just have to catch it before we let ourselves express it. It's tough but it seems like your on the right track, best of luck man! 1
InnocentMan Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 The problem with being naturally jealous, is if your gf does cross a line, you tend to over-compensate, and make allowances for her. If she is openly flirting, then that may be a behaviour that you will never accept, no matter how many books you read. Identifying the difference between your own issues, and what is actually happening is half the battle. Jealousy is a natural human emotion, it's how you express it that can create problems. Don't let it build up into an explosion. If you feel it, communicate it while you are in a calm state. If you're close enough to someone, it's something you should discuss with them. That way they know that sometimes you may over-react. They may also modify their behaviour if they care enough.
RonaldS Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Plant this idea in your head and cultivate it: 'My girlfriend is with me. I don't want her to be with other guys. If I'm a cool, adjusted guy, she will be with me. If I act like a jealous d*ckhead, she's going to go be with other guys' 3
Author sportzhl24 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Yeah definitely. Thanks for all the good advice guys. I guess when it comes down to it I am just constantly on edge about losing a wonderful person, and at the same time feeling that my performance as a human being is sometimes inadequate. Gotta get over that stuff
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