Hope Shimmers Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately - how many years I was involved in the A or else in trying to extricate myself from the A, trying to be "friends" with him. Trying to get along. Or suffering and miserable. When all of this started I was in my late 30s - now I am 49. I feel now like I didn't even live during those years. I threw an entire decade-plus of my life away on a relationship that ultimately destroyed who I was as an independent, carefree, happy person and turned me into a shell of myself. I wish I had a dollar for every day I spent in absolutely agony, sure that I was going to die (or wanting to die) because of the devastation that this A caused. I would give anything for those years back, but I'll never have them. I am a mom too... I did my best to put on my happy face for them, but the truth is they suffered too. I'm lucky that they have grown up to be happy and successful, but I wish I could go back and enjoy those years more. I am just posting this in case it helps some of those who are going through such a tough time right now and suffering. I hope it gives you strength to move on and not go back into that kind of misery again, even if it makes your heart feel better for a short while. It is SO not worth it. 24 Link to post Share on other sites
SugarHibiscus Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Thank you for posting this. I really needed it tonight. I'm 35 and trying to end my 2 year affair. I need your perspective and wish I could do something to help you too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 Thank you for posting this. I really needed it tonight. I'm 35 and trying to end my 2 year affair. I need your perspective and wish I could do something to help you too. Thanks SugarHibiscus. The time went SO fast. It was like a blur. A blur of highs and lows. I can't believe so much time passed. That is the thing... I never kept track of the time; it just was gone. You are so young.... have all of your life ahead of you. Please, please find someone who will put you first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
endingpage Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I am sorry for your pain :-( I am in my late 20s and I don't want to spend any more time pining for my MM, and certainly not the next 10 years. Just wish I could be not sad. I would even take being angry over being sad, although I don't want to hate him either. I feel myself becoming different and more withdrawn and with less energy and it has been so bad that I am now on antidepressants. Not happy. People at work are noticing too. Already had a crying breakdown in front of one of my attendings. Need to nip it while I can and before I get any worse. Thank you for your words of caution. I hope we can all find happiness, everyone deserves it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 I am sorry for your pain :-( I am in my late 20s and I don't want to spend any more time pining for my MM, and certainly not the next 10 years. Just wish I could be not sad. I would even take being angry over being sad, although I don't want to hate him either. I feel myself becoming different and more withdrawn and with less energy and it has been so bad that I am now on antidepressants. Not happy. People at work are noticing too. Already had a crying breakdown in front of one of my attendings. Need to nip it while I can and before I get any worse. Thank you for your words of caution. I hope we can all find happiness, everyone deserves it. Endingpage... thank you for the reply. I know the pressure you are under with the residency. Given the emotional state you are in, I can't even imagine how you function. PLEASE don't let him affect your residency and your future. I know I don't have any right to say that as I don't know that I could have done it in your place. I'm 49, an endocrinologist. All of this happened for me after my training. I wish that I could help you more directly to get through this. It's SO important that this man does not continue to mess with your mind! I am so sorry! You need support through this from others who understand! I wish I could give you my phone number if you need it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 I have been nearly six years and know that i have never cried so much in all my life. I am sure that my kids must know i am sad. You get stuck in some kind of time warp and I also do not know where the time has gone, it seems to have been so absorbing all this emotion taking me over my life. Your post started me off again I am so sorry to have made you cry again I know, all so well, how you feel. It is SO hard. I am glad I met you here on this forum. Be kind to yourself... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 Nice topic. Unfortunately we dont get topics like this often to read. Often its OW/OM trying to justify what they are doing or did or to blame only the person that they have a affair with or for advice to keep the affair going on. So i have respect for the fact that you are able to see the real deal and be honest about it. Im happy you are now able to see that it wasnt worth it and not okay. But i think its this that can make you grow and a better person. The fact that you realize, admit ,take care of the damage you did,and learn from it and do it better and move on. I dont know you but im proud of you! My story isn't about blaming anyone. I didn't enter into an A knowingly - I dated a separated man who eventually went back to his wife. When I met him he was living on his own and separated. I'm not making excuses for myself - I'm on the OW board - so I am to blame for dating a married man. I am to blame for staying in a damaging relationship for more than 10 years. Thank you for your words. My post here was just to help others who are having the same struggles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hope, I hear what you are saying about lost time and how, in general, time flies. I turned 40 this year and I found myself wondering where the last 20 years went!! But time does go by...I don't know if this helps you and I don't want to get into too many details here (PM me if you need further clarification) but when I wonder about the what if/time wasted I remind myself that my life is about a series of decisions and just like when I played with falling dominos as a kid, sometimes one decision led me down one path but what I didn't know was what was the alternative. I was once the victim of a crime, and I often thought "why me? why now?" If I had been a minute late or a minute earlier would that incident have changed? It took some time, but I came to realize the cliche that something worse could have happened to me. I learned something after I was attacked and those lessons were powerful and help make me who I am. To turn it around, my relationship with my xMM was a year (a year and half with the residual drama/ending) so much shorter than yours and even thought most of if hurts like h*ll, realizing that I was used, accepting my own responsibilities in it, living in naive denial, etc., I did learn things and am still learning things as I heal. These combined with my life experiences make me the woman I am. This experience makes you who you are -- you don't know what life would have in store for you if were not with your xAP. Maybe it would have been, maybe it would have been worse. The grass would not necessarily have been greener on the other side. And you wouldn't be HopeShimmers who gives such great posts here! Please don't be your own worst enemy...talk to yourself like you would someone you love. Be good to YOU! (PS -- this doesn't mean that I would encourage anyone to be an Other in a relationship; these are lessons that I wish I never had to learn but am grateful that I have learned.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Nice topic. Unfortunately we dont get topics like this often to read. Often its OW/OM trying to justify what they are doing or did or to blame only the person that they have a affair with or for advice to keep the affair going on. So i have respect for the fact that you are able to see the real deal and be honest about it. Im happy you are now able to see that it wasnt worth it and not okay. But i think its this that can make you grow and a better person. The fact that you realize, admit ,take care of the damage you did,and learn from it and do it better and move on. I dont know you but im proud of you! I think the above is a good post. Hope IS being honest and open about all the time lost and she should be commended for standing up and saying what she wrote in the opening post. Doesn't matter if someone is a BS, OW, dog or cat lover... What matters is realizing you are wasting your life on someone who treats you like an option, not a priority. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 In case you didn't know this is an OW support forum and your comments are not welcome about justification. If you do not like what you read on here you should not come here. I doubt OP cares you are proud of her - how patronising!!. She is here because she is in pain and does not need a slap on the back from some BS. She just fell in love with the wrong person. I doubt she went looking to hurt anyone. Meant to quote the above in my last post...doesn't matter what the poster is (BS, OW, etx). Why isn't the persons view valid? Support doesn't mean cheerleading someone...support means offering advice and thoughts. I don't understand your anger at a poster? I bet Hope can smile knowing someone she doesn't know is proud of her for taking control of her life, realizing her mistakes and owning those mistakes. Heck, I would!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 palmsweet it isn't that unusual to know that. I think we realize this all along, but have such a hard time of letting go. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Moderator's note Let's not derail this thread with sideline discussions about what this forum is for please. Keep the posts about the thread starter's concerns Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hope Shimmers---you are one of my VERY favorite posters on this forum beacuse of the advice you have given and the strength you have shown. Please try to believe that everything happens for a reason even if we can't see the bigger picture now for all this pain and heartache. You are a GEM of a woman and I only see positive things coming to you as you live the rest of your life. Don't look back.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Firstly... I can't imagine how tough it was for you.. I held my breath from the beginning till I finished reading the whole thing that you posted. Mine has been going on...on off...less than a year and it is really draining my energy. I surely do not want to waste my time...and I hope one day I will find the right guy.. I am sad for you...but you have to stay strong..I am sad for myself..anticipating the moment of truth..Hope everybody gets the one who can make us happy and feel loved ALL the time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Thank you for this post HopeShimmers. It's exactly what I needed to see today. I have two very young children and to see this this morning was the best thing I could have seen. something bad happened this weekend but it solidified that this is over and just, thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ann1900 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I also really needed this today. Hope Shimmers, I can feel your pain and sadness. I'm only 6 months into an A and just went NC because I do not give years to this. It is sooooo hard, and I have not been good or consistent with NC!! But you're post gave me some renewed strength. I'm 46 with a teenager & would love to be remarried again someday -- I don't want to be 50 and alone. Thank you so much for sharing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I like your post Hope. Granted, I've never been an OW, but I have wasted a lot of time waiting around for men who weren't good to me or right for me, so I can completely commiserate. I'm in my early 30s and I still hope to be a mom someday. I don't want to waste any more time on the wrong guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I need this post too...my A started when I had a young baby at home. I thought I compartmentalized pretty well, but looking back, of course I wasted precious baby time with my mind preoccupied with MM. And now, NC was broken briefly and I have a baby at home again but so quickly find myself slipping back into the neverending thoughts of longing for MM while also being irritable to my H. I know I need to get focused on the right path with my family. The past two years feel like forever as it is, I don't want to look back in 8 more and find I've missed their entire childhood. Thanks for posting Tenacity / HS....it's good to see you back. Despite what your mindset was a year ago, I remember your posts when I first got here as wise and compassionate with firm resolve. Best wishes to you... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 But you're post gave me some renewed strength. I'm 46 with a teenager & would love to be remarried again someday -- I don't want to be 50 and alone. Thank you so much for sharing. I am 50 and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 GREAT POST!!!! I have not been an OW but I can admit to wasting time on single guys who just weren't right for me no matter how much I wanted them to be. It was devestating when one guy broke up with me and I stayed hung up on him for so long - convinced he was Mr. Right - the perfect man for me. When I finally let go, I met the love of my life though I called him my Mr. Now ( not Right or Right Now) for the longest time. he never once hurt my heart. That's when I REALLY knew. I look back at the others and think about what. Lucky escape I had but so much time wasted. As a result, I can't have children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
greeneydgrl Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hope Shimmers, I have now read your backstory, or a good deal of it. While gut wrenching and heart breaking, I was and am deeply touched by every word you've spoken. You have shown the utmost in class and bravery..You're wide open heart and generous spirt are indeed "clear as glass". You're children are blessed to have such a mother, as are all the LS participants. You may feel angry at "wasted years", but I think we all feel that way at times. I constantly wonder how in the world I got to be my age.. I still feel about 18 (let me rephrase: until recently) and have no idea where the time went. Some days I can't believe I'm someone's mother! Know you are beautifully inspirational and very muched adored...anonymous forum or not. Greeneydgrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Just another thank you for posting and sharing this today. I agree with everyone here who finds your words to be compassionate and wise. Thank you for always being a kind and insightful voice here. Speaking as someone who also has two very young children, (and who has been told more than once on this forum that my A has made me totally unfit for that role), I think a lot about the effect of my affair on them. Because my xAP was so far away, I told myself that it wasn't really taking time away from them. I was still there. But in a lot of ways, I wasn't. I was somewhere else mentally, and the fallout from all of it still means that I'm not the happy mom I want to be. As hard as I'm trying to put it behind me, both my xAP and I admit that we could see this dragging out for years and years. I don't want that. Your message was a good one of strength and a reminder not to let that happen. Thanks again for sharing. I hope you're feeling good about where you are headed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 GREAT POST!!!! I have not been an OW but I can admit to wasting time on single guys who just weren't right for me no matter how much I wanted them to be. It was devestating when one guy broke up with me and I stayed hung up on him for so long - convinced he was Mr. Right - the perfect man for me. When I finally let go, I met the love of my life though I called him my Mr. Now ( not Right or Right Now) for the longest time. he never once hurt my heart. That's when I REALLY knew. I look back at the others and think about what. Lucky escape I had but so much time wasted. As a result, I can't have children. How did you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately - how many years I was involved in the A or else in trying to extricate myself from the A, trying to be "friends" with him. Trying to get along. Or suffering and miserable. When all of this started I was in my late 30s - now I am 49. I feel now like I didn't even live during those years. I threw an entire decade-plus of my life away on a relationship that ultimately destroyed who I was as an independent, carefree, happy person and turned me into a shell of myself. I wish I had a dollar for every day I spent in absolutely agony, sure that I was going to die (or wanting to die) because of the devastation that this A caused. I would give anything for those years back, but I'll never have them. I am a mom too... I did my best to put on my happy face for them, but the truth is they suffered too. I'm lucky that they have grown up to be happy and successful, but I wish I could go back and enjoy those years more. I am just posting this in case it helps some of those who are going through such a tough time right now and suffering. I hope it gives you strength to move on and not go back into that kind of misery again, even if it makes your heart feel better for a short while. It is SO not worth it. Great post! I don't think it's advice just for OW/OM's either. This could be helpful to anyone who finds themselves in a toxic relationship. Thank you for posting this. Another thing I'm learning is that when you lose yourself, you know there's not something right in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I am 50 and alone. I will be 50 very soon and alone. Five years down the track... I told myself that if we weren't celebrating my 50th together I was done with it. Time that I will never have back again. If you aren't careful, the time just flies by and opportunities are lost, never to be had again. Waiting for something that never happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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