TylerC Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Alright, so there's this ultimate frisbee/dodgeball tournament at the local YMCA I'm competing in with some friends. I know it's not a big deal, but it would mean a lot if Lauren (my gf) would be able to come tonight. I've come to all of her concerts for show choir, I even got up at 7:30 one Saturday morning and drove all the way out to the other side of town to watch her performance at 9:30. I told her about it and asked if she wanted to come, she said nah. She's hanging with her cousin tonight (her cousin is more like a friend, they live 20 minutes away) and she asked if I was mad via a text message. I replied no, I'm just disappointed she couldn't come because it would mean a lot to me. She thought I was trying to make her feel bad, which I'm not at all. She replied, apologizing and saying she felt terrible. I replied don't feel bad have fun tonight and I'll call you tomorrow I love you. She hasn't replied, but it just hurts that I go to all of these concerts (which are hardly exciting) because I know it means a lot that I come to them and she can't take one evening to come see me do something. What do you guys think? Are my feeling justified?
agnf666 Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I understand that you feel that she should come to one of your things, since you have went to many of her's. I wouldn't get to bothered about it. If this is a constant thing then I would mention something about it. Ask her why won't you come see me play, I would enjoy it if you where there to cheer me on... (Something like that) Maybe she doesn't get to hang out with her cousin alot??
Pocky Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I think you're justified and I don't think you should just brush it off. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I would make sure to point it out that it would mean a lot to you if she supported you in your interests. If you don't tell her it bothers you, how will she ever know? Let her know she hurt your feelings, but once you tell her then drop it.
Author TylerC Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 That's the thing, there won't be another thing for a long time--I stopped playing high school sports after cross country season in the fall since I work for the paper and that's very time consuming. I know it's not a big deal, it just would have been nice to know she cares and would go to something that turned out to be a really good time (I thought it might be boring for the spectators, but there were a ton of people there) and be with me. It's not that she doesn't see her cousin a lot either, if she lived out of town I'd totally understand, but she doesn't, she lives in the next county, about 20 minutes away.
SoleMate Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I don't think it's useful to ask whether your feelings are justified. It would be more useful to ask how you can best meet each other's needs, AND whether you are getting as much out of this as you put into it. I understand that you have attended many of her concerts, not for your own enjoyment but because you thought she would like it. And naturally you expect her to reciprocate and attend a similar event, which she doesn't find inherently enjoyable, just to be there for you. Yes, that is fair, IF your attendance at her concerts was important to her, she really should return the favor. If she doesn't, you can just let her know that you would like her to be there for you. If, on balance over time, she does much less for you than you do for her - or in other words, if you meet her needs fairly well but she meets yours poorly - then it is time to reconsider the relationship. Sometimes letting her "taste" your absence is a good way to back up your reasonable requests for a bilateral relationship. BTW - you should not just "ask" her if she wants to come. Instead, say "I would really feel happy if you were there to watch us compete. I would be so proud knowing you were in the stands, and taking you out with the team afterwards so all my teammates can see what a wonderful person you are." Don't expect her to read your mind, and DON'T hesitate to ask her nicely for what you would like from her.
Author TylerC Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 Thanks for the tip, I've considered not coming to something of hers but that would make it seem like I was getting even and holding a grudge against her. I actually do enjoy the concerts, even if the concert part is boring I get to hang with her after their performance and being with her is great.
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