Mickey1982 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You loved him. You gave everything you had. And what did he do? He left, he chose someone else!!!!! You are his back up, no matter what you want to believe - that is all you are to him now. He saw you and he said he missed you and he still loves you and then he tells you that he loves his wife! GRRRRRRRRR I'm spineless, but I think that would be enough for me to say....'good-bye'
KaliLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I really don't know Kali, I feel so worthless right now. No not in therapy, don't even know where to start. So odd, im a really successful woman with a great jib and 2 wonderful teenage daughters who i love to death.. Been married twice already. Divorced from a physically abusive husband 4 years ago (not my daughters dad thankfully) but feel a complete failure where relationships are concerned. I just posted my story in the Infidelity section, and another one in the Break Ups section. The short versions are a terrible marriage to a man twice my age that ended with his OW holding me at gunpoint, and then being tricked into falling in love with a narcissist with (what my therapist believes to be) Borderline Personality Disorder and then being dumped by him out of the blue, and then allowing myself to be strung along by him for another 2 years. I'm a relationship failure too. But I'm working on it. I hope you will too. Therapy really does help. Hugs to you. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I just posted my story in the Infidelity section, and another one in the Break Ups section. The short versions are a terrible marriage to a man twice my age that ended with his OW holding me at gunpoint, and then being tricked into falling in love with a narcissist with (what my therapist believes to be) Borderline Personality Disorder and then being dumped by him out of the blue, and then allowing myself to be strung along by him for another 2 years. I'm a relationship failure too. But I'm working on it. I hope you will too. Therapy really does help. Hugs to you. Wow. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Similar to my marriage (minus the gunpoint) and the A certainly sounds similar too. I'm really starting to wonder if there are any decent guys out there. I'm glad I just bought a dog! 1
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 You loved him. You gave everything you had. And what did he do? He left, he chose someone else!!!!! You are his back up, no matter what you want to believe - that is all you are to him now. He saw you and he said he missed you and he still loves you and then he tells you that he loves his wife! GRRRRRRRRR I'm spineless, but I think that would be enough for me to say....'good-bye' Mickey, I have followed your story and cried with you... I know you're right and would have responded exactly like you before but it's so hard. Thank you, I appreciate every single post on here no matter how hard as that's what we are all looking for, help, support, advice from those who have been through, going though or understand somehow the awful pain of these situations
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I just posted my story in the Infidelity section, and another one in the Break Ups section. The short versions are a terrible marriage to a man twice my age that ended with his OW holding me at gunpoint, and then being tricked into falling in love with a narcissist with (what my therapist believes to be) Borderline Personality Disorder and then being dumped by him out of the blue, and then allowing myself to be strung along by him for another 2 years. I'm a relationship failure too. But I'm working on it. I hope you will too. Therapy really does help. Hugs to you. I read your story Kali and big hugs back to you. You have been through something I haven't and can't even comprehend. Being held at gunpoint from someone must have traumatised you beyond belief. Funny how you feel so connected to those on here who you've never met but I sincerely wish you a happy and safe future (((((kali))))) 1
pteromom Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You know what he's really saying, between the lines, right? "I choose my wife and there is no chance we will end up together, but I miss having sex with you, and I miss you putting me first all the time because it makes me feel powerful. Rather than letting you go so you can find someone who can give himself to you completely, I'd like to use you a bit longer and make you put your life on hold for me." If he LOVED you, he would want HAPPINESS for you. He doesn't love you. He's selfish. And a jerk to boot, because I assume he's told his wife they are starting over being honest, and here he is sniffing around your door again. He makes me sick. You deserve to be loved, not used! 4
Mickey1982 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Mickey, I have followed your story and cried with you... I know you're right and would have responded exactly like you before but it's so hard. Thank you, I appreciate every single post on here no matter how hard as that's what we are all looking for, help, support, advice from those who have been through, going though or understand somehow the awful pain of these situations I was not trying to be mean, devastated. I am having a very bad day of my own which has progressed into an angry day over my exMM. I am sorry if I came off as heartless---I just hate to see any of us APs suffer any more than we already have. hugs, devastated.
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I was not trying to be mean, devastated. I am having a very bad day of my own which has progressed into an angry day over my exMM. I am sorry if I came off as heartless---I just hate to see any of us APs suffer any more than we already have. hugs, devastated. Totally understand Mickey and you didn't come across as heartless at all, just honest and I need that. Thank you
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 You know what he's really saying, between the lines, right? "I choose my wife and there is no chance we will end up together, but I miss having sex with you, and I miss you putting me first all the time because it makes me feel powerful. Rather than letting you go so you can find someone who can give himself to you completely, I'd like to use you a bit longer and make you put your life on hold for me." If he LOVED you, he would want HAPPINESS for you. He doesn't love you. He's selfish. And a jerk to boot, because I assume he's told his wife they are starting over being honest, and here he is sniffing around your door again. He makes me sick. You deserve to be loved, not used! As hard as it is, I know you're right. Hard to hear but thank you as I need to give my poor heart a break from this pain
KaliLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I read your story Kali and big hugs back to you. You have been through something I haven't and can't even comprehend. Being held at gunpoint from someone must have traumatised you beyond belief. Funny how you feel so connected to those on here who you've never met but I sincerely wish you a happy and safe future (((((kali))))) Thanks. I know I'm hard on people in affairs sometimes (I hope the reason for that is clearer now..) but you sound so much like me. You sound so defeated, which is how I feel a lot of the time. It's kind of like looking in a Loveshack mirror. But we can both be ok. I really believe that.
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Wow. I'm really sorry. I went through this same thing. He is being VERY clear with you with that statement about loving his wife and being happy at home that he is not offering you anything beyond an affair. Ever. Keep in mind that if his W finds out, you aren't going to win this time either - he will leave you in the dust yet again if she says the word. So really, if you choose to do this, you are just waiting around until this woman decides to pull the plug. If you do this, she will be making the decisions about your life, not you! Your heart isn't going to be where your head is at, at least not for awhile, so you're going to have to be strong enough to use your head, and remember that your heart will, in the long run, hurt even worse when this ends (and it will). How awful for you to have to go through that yet again. Honestly? I know it feels like exactly the opposite right now, but I think you dodged a big bullet when this guy went back to his wife. I feel sorry for you and your pain, I really do.... but I feel sorry for her too, for having to live with this guy for the rest of her life. You, on the other hand, are free to find someone who is much better than that. Thank you Hope, I know I will be under that bus if it came out. Right now, I feel that I could never love anyone as much but I am going to try hard to do what's right. Thanks again
FoolishOW Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Hi Devestated... Hope you don't mind if I say... "I HATE THIS PATHETIC DOUCHEBAG!!" Sorry, that just slipped out. Not sure why I've been more invested in your story vs. other stories, but I am, and let me tell you... this guy just sucks, on soooo many levels. I know the pain you've been in, and I know you've had a tough time overcoming the 6 months you spent making a home-life with this man, and I'm really, really sorry about that, but... BUT... This spineless, self-absorbed, gutless piece of ***** needs to be told, once and for all, that if he so much as BREATHES in your direction EVERagain, you will make sure that "missing you" will be THE VERY LEAST of his effing problems! GOT IT??? (Yeah, yeah, it's a bluff, but he doesn't have to know that.) And just for the record, this isn't something you can say half heartedly or apologetically, or with a whimper or a sniffle, while wiping away a sentimental tear. This is something you say with the conviction and fury of a woman who's been "toyed with" one time too often. This isn't about "love" anymore, Dev, and he doesn't deserve to even speak your name, let alone spend time with you. Get pissed, for Christ's sake, and make us proud of you. (Either that, or give ME his number. )It's WAAAY past time for him to be told where to get "the eff" OFF!! Sorry, Dev...I know you wanted 'gentle', but this man just infuriates me more every time he reaches out to you... sorry a$$ POS. 2
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Thanks. I know I'm hard on people in affairs sometimes (I hope the reason for that is clearer now..) but you sound so much like me. You sound so defeated, which is how I feel a lot of the time. It's kind of like looking in a Loveshack mirror. But we can both be ok. I really believe that. Totally understand Kali, life is hard for everyone for different reasons and we are all here because we are seeking help. I have learnt a huge amount in 2 months of being on this forum from every angle of the triangles and sometimes the responses for those in an opposite position to you can resonate in a way that makes you need to take a deep breath and think hard about yourself. The support I've had on here from every side has been amazingly insightful and helpful 1
FoolishOW Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Rick Fox... Don't leave us hanging...... please, DO tell! Devastated, I swear you're gonna be fine. In the scheme of things, you're still only a couple months beyond this JackWagon moving out and going back home. You're not broken, you're not rubbish, you're just heart broken. It isn't fatal, though it sure feels like it is. The upside... Look at how many of us are supporting you and pulling for you to get through this. You'll get there girl, you will!!! And I absolutely can't wait! 1
QuakerOats Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You know what you need to do. Sorry you are going through this.
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Hi Devestated... Hope you don't mind if I say... "I HATE THIS PATHETIC DOUCHEBAG!!" Sorry, that just slipped out. Not sure why I've been more invested in your story vs. other stories, but I am, and let me tell you... this guy just sucks, on soooo many levels. I know the pain you've been in, and I know you've had a tough time overcoming the 6 months you spent making a home-life with this man, and I'm really, really sorry about that, but... BUT... This spineless, self-absorbed, gutless piece of ***** needs to be told, once and for all, that if he so much as BREATHES in your direction EVERagain, you will make sure that "missing you" will be THE VERY LEAST of his effing problems! GOT IT??? (Yeah, yeah, it's a bluff, but he doesn't have to know that.) And just for the record, this isn't something you can say half heartedly or apologetically, or with a whimper or a sniffle, while wiping away a sentimental tear. This is something you say with the conviction and fury of a woman who's been "toyed with" one time too often. This isn't about "love" anymore, Dev, and he doesn't deserve to even speak your name, let alone spend time with you. Get pissed, for Christ's sake, and make us proud of you. (Either that, or give ME his number. )It's WAAAY past time for him to be told where to get "the eff" OFF!! Sorry, Dev...I know you wanted 'gentle', but this man just infuriates me more every time he reaches out to you... sorry a$$ POS. Foolish, I don't know you but I love you. You have been so helpful to me and I truly appreciate your support. You have said some tough stuff here and its made me cry so I need some time to let the reality of it set in but thank you.
KaliLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Would you consider telling his wife? It really is the right thing to do..
RickFox Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Rickfox as much as I am dreading what you have to say, pleoutase say it. I need to hear it. See it in black and white. I have followed a lot of members on here and you are a name I remember. Why is that? Because you are yes that'sblunt and harsh at times but with a good heart behind it My goal is not to be harsh but to get you to think beyond what it is you're thinking. Put your emotions aside and think logically. He says hey, you can be my side piece, my go to piece of a°°, when I'm bored I'll come to you and you'll be my whore (yes that's a harsh word and I don't think you are, but he does). What he's doing is not love, it's selfish behavior and is belittling you. You're worthy only to be used, left behind, and called on again when he wants some. 5
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Would you consider telling his wife? It really is the right thing to do.. Yes and no... Yes because she deserves to know, no because I don't want to hurt him and make him hate me. I know that sounds pathetic but it's just the truth
Daisy2013 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 So sorry you are hurting! I hope the advice here strengthens you and gives you courage to never speak to him again. It's tough, I know. I wish our hearts followed our brains quicker. My MM would do similar. A couple of time he'd tell me "I have made a choice and have to stay with my W, although it's not what I want." He isn't happy and doesn't love her. I asked him if he loved her and he said he only wishes her no harm. But he continued to call and want me, telling me he loved me and missed me, and not letting me go. That caused more pain than if he would have just left me alone for good. Walk away with your head high and don't give him the chance to hurt you more. I think in the end, these men love themselves more than anyone and are incapable of loving either woman. Maybe not even themselves. Mine told me he had familial love for the W and me, Eros love for me, but couldn't love anyone unconditionally (agape, selfless, sacrificial love). Right there, I knew he was incapable of a true R with anyone. Sounds like your ex-MM isn't capable either. Think of it in this manner and let it help you.
FoolishOW Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Foolish, I don't know you but I love you. You have been so helpful to me and I truly appreciate your support. You have said some tough stuff here and its made me cry so I need some time to let the reality of it set in but thank you. I'm so sorry, Dev, I really didn't mean to make you cry. (((Devestated))) I have a BIG mouth, but that's a poor excuse. Hope you'll accept my sincere apology!
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I'm so sorry, Dev, I really didn't mean to make you cry. (((Devestated))) I have a BIG mouth, but that's a poor excuse. Hope you'll accept my sincere apology! Thank you but there's no need to apologise. I need to hear your view and your opinion matters a great deal to me hence me tears 1
PurpleCardigan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I think that you should give yourself credit for admitting it. I think admitting it, is the first step to taking action. We all work on our own schedules and process our emotions in our own way. Our "breaking point" is unique and different. When you reach yours, you will walk away. It will be heartbreakingly difficult but you will walk away. I know that making certain admissions helped me to make tough decisions about my ex. For me, I just constantly remember the negatives about my xMM. How the relationship and then "friendship" were always on his terms and his terms only. How he warned me that he tested people and when I "failed" that first test, that was it -- he was back with his W but I was good enough for an emotional affair and for him to let me know that he was still attracted to me and something could happen, ya know someday in the future. That when I dated other men (I'm single) he was crazy jealous but couldn't understand why I was upset that he went home to a wife and family...and on and on. At some point, when I'm indifferent towards him, I hope that I be indifferent with warm memories and recall fondly why I loved him and what he meant to me instead of the cr*ppy parts. Take some time and find what works for you whether that is detaching quickly or slowly or figuring out what you can live with. You've made the first step... admitting it! 2
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 My goal is not to be harsh but to get you to think beyond what it is you're thinking. Put your emotions aside and think logically. He says hey, you can be my side piece, my go to piece of a°°, when I'm bored I'll come to you and you'll be my whore (yes that's a harsh word and I don't think you are, but he does). What he's doing is not love, it's selfish behavior and is belittling you. You're worthy only to be used, left behind, and called on again when he wants some. I have read this over and over and god it hurts, he really is a POS isn't he... But it also makes me really think about what is broken in me. I know what I need to do. Thank you
Hope Shimmers Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I have read this over and over and god it hurts, he really is a POS isn't he... But it also makes me really think about what is broken in me. I know what I need to do. Thank you You aren't broken, hon. He is. Not you! 4
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