Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Ok, I'm struggling with this so please be gentle with me... My ex separated boyfriend who left me to return to his wife a couple of months back leaving me completed devastated has made contact and I met him for a chat, I know, I know, I know, I should never have done this but I love him and wasn't strong enough to say no :-( Anyway, it was totally amazing to see him and he tells me that he is in love with his wife and happy to be back with his family but he is also not happy without me in his life, loves me to bits, misses me every day, doesn't want to hurt anyone (yeah, right!!!), but wants to continue to see me as he doesn't want his life without me (oh yeah and he will understand if I don't want to). I'm in such a mess over this.. I love him and know that the feelings between us were still as intense as they ever were and I know he is just trying to cake eat now, I know it's wrong, I know that it will cause hurt, I know he is out of order, I know it's not the right path, I know all of it so why why why do I want to shout yes please, give me your crumbs, it's pathetic but it's how I feel
Sub Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 ....and he tells me that he is in love with his wife and happy to be back with his family... You should have stopped listening here. 9
C00kie Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 He told you he was in love with his wife and wants you in his life as well? What a douche. 5
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I was living with him for 4 months in a loving relationship the whole time and have not recovered from the devastation of him leaving me overnight in January. I truly believe it is love although I'm prepared to accept I might be wrong.
BeingMe Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 If you really believe it's love,tell his wife he got back in contact.... 10
CarrieT Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I truly believe it is love although I'm prepared to accept I might be wrong. Please read through the countless threads of those in affairs who grasped for crumbs and ended up with nothing. You need a slap upside the head and a reality check that his crumbs of "love" are not sufficient. 5
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Please read through the countless threads of those in affairs who grasped for crumbs and ended up with nothing. You need a slap upside the head and a reality check that his crumbs of "love" are not sufficient. I know Carrie, I do need a slap. It's like my head gets it but my heart just won't. I feel so cross with myself but my ability to control my heart just isn't working. What the hell is wrong with me. 1
KaliLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Why don't you think you're worth more than to be someone's dirty little secret? I think you are. Are you in therapy? This post makes me sad for you. 5
C00kie Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I know Carrie, I do need a slap. It's like my head gets it but my heart just won't. I feel so cross with myself but my ability to control my heart just isn't working. What the hell is wrong with me. I can't really control my heart either, it's very difficult to do so. However, one thing is loving a MM who says he doesn't love his wife and loves you. That keeps you waiting, hoping...sitting, waiting, wishing. If I had a man who told me he loves and is happy with his wife...my heart would surely break and it would be very difficult, but all the more reason to leave him behind. It's actually a "good" thing he told you that. Remind yourself everytime and it may be easier to leave him behind. You don't need such pain, you don't need or deserve to be treated like that. And if he was the least bit decent, he would never tell you he loves her AND say he still wants to be with you. He may be happy with her in the sense that things are working out fine - but he does not love her. He does not. He wouldn't do that if he did. Anyway, I'm guessing he loves noone but himself, and the ones who allow him to do what he has always done. 1
SugarHibiscus Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Hugs to you. I don't know if I would have had the strength to stay away either. I really don't mean to be blunt but I feel like you need to hear this. He made his choice. It couldn't be more plain. His wife. Walk away from more misery and pain. You deserve more. You do. 4
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 However, one thing is loving a MM who says he doesn't love his wife and loves you. That keeps you waiting, hoping...sitting, waiting, wishing. If I had a man who told me he loves and is happy with his wife...my heart would surely break and it would be very difficult, but all the more reason to leave him behind. He may be happy with her in the sense that things are working out fine - but he does not love her. He does not. He wouldn't do that if he did. Anyway, I'm guessing he loves noone but himself, and the ones who allow him to do what he has always done. I know, it broke my heart to hear him say that after he had told me his marriage was over before, that he hadn't lived her for years. Now suddenly he seems back in love with her and she is obviously trying hard to rebuild her marriage which makes me feel so damn rubbish about meeting him. You are right that he only loves himself, that is totally clear to me. Wish I felt stronger. 1
Waverly Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 This made me feel so so sad for you. You deserve better. You know you do. I know how hard it is to make your head and your heart align, but find strength where you can, and know that you are better than what he is offering you. 2
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I really don't mean to be blunt but I feel like you need to hear this. He made his choice. It couldn't be more plain. His wife. Walk away from more misery and pain. You deserve more. You do. thank you, I need to hear this 2
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Why don't you think you're worth more than to be someone's dirty little secret? I think you are. Are you in therapy? This post makes me sad for you. I really don't know Kali, I feel so worthless right now. No not in therapy, don't even know where to start. So odd, im a really successful woman with a great jib and 2 wonderful teenage daughters who i love to death.. Been married twice already. Divorced from a physically abusive husband 4 years ago (not my daughters dad thankfully) but feel a complete failure where relationships are concerned.
gettingstronger Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You will not be available for a full on healthy relationship with someone until you let go of this one- its going no place- You need to work on you, then you will be able to find someone that treasures just you! Do not waste one more minute on this guy who will never, ever make you his one and only- 2
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Ok, I'm struggling with this so please be gentle with me... My ex separated boyfriend who left me to return to his wife a couple of months back leaving me completed devastated has made contact and I met him for a chat, I know, I know, I know, I should never have done this but I love him and wasn't strong enough to say no :-( Anyway, it was totally amazing to see him and he tells me that he is in love with his wife and happy to be back with his family but he is also not happy without me in his life, loves me to bits, misses me every day, doesn't want to hurt anyone (yeah, right!!!), but wants to continue to see me as he doesn't want his life without me (oh yeah and he will understand if I don't want to). I'm in such a mess over this.. I love him and know that the feelings between us were still as intense as they ever were and I know he is just trying to cake eat now, I know it's wrong, I know that it will cause hurt, I know he is out of order, I know it's not the right path, I know all of it so why why why do I want to shout yes please, give me your crumbs, it's pathetic but it's how I feel He can't have it both ways. It's totally unfair to you and to his wife. He chose his wife and family so really, as painful as this is for you, please walk away from him. If you hang onto little bits and pieces he can offer you on his terms, you will be the one stuck and hurting for a long time. Once your heart reaches to where your head is, and you suffer more pain then the decision to shut him out of your life for good will happen. Seems maybe you need to go through more of a roller coaster until you reach your enough is enough stage. Am hoping that you walk away now before he hurts you more. He is selfish to want you in his life! So what if he misses you! That doesn't give him the right to hang onto you and keep you/prevent you from letting go of him all the meanwhile he's happy and bonding with his wife again. I doubt she is going to be happy about you being in his life either and if she finds out, she will make him cut you out of his life all over again and you'll feel worse than you do now.
blue963 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Sounds like you have been thru alot (relationship wise) daughters father and the abusive xhusband. Perhaps those relationships have you feeling like you dont deserve the very best?
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I was living with him for 4 months in a loving relationship the whole time and have not recovered from the devastation of him leaving me overnight in January. I truly believe it is love although I'm prepared to accept I might be wrong. You loved him and he may have loved you a lot too but the bottom line is, he's told you and shown you that he has chosen his wife and family over you. Sorry but the longer you stay, you're inviting pain into your life. He isn't yours. This is a painful situation and I'm betting if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't have wanted to lead you on, move in with you. He left his wife behind and wasn't done with his marriage.
RickFox Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Do you want me to tell you what he see you as? What he called you to your face without saying the word outright? 1
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I know, it broke my heart to hear him say that after he had told me his marriage was over before, that he hadn't lived her for years. Now suddenly he seems back in love with her and she is obviously trying hard to rebuild her marriage which makes me feel so damn rubbish about meeting him. You are right that he only loves himself, that is totally clear to me. Wish I felt stronger. You are much stronger than you realize! don't be afraid to let go and move on. That pain will be final so you can really grieve this loss, rid of hope. I think your emotions cannot let you believe that he still loves his wife and chose her over you. Completely understandable but that is the reality. Once you can accept it, the stages of grief will come and you can work through this with no hope or expectations/desires to have him in your life.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Wow. I'm really sorry. I went through this same thing. He is being VERY clear with you with that statement about loving his wife and being happy at home that he is not offering you anything beyond an affair. Ever. Keep in mind that if his W finds out, you aren't going to win this time either - he will leave you in the dust yet again if she says the word. So really, if you choose to do this, you are just waiting around until this woman decides to pull the plug. If you do this, she will be making the decisions about your life, not you! Your heart isn't going to be where your head is at, at least not for awhile, so you're going to have to be strong enough to use your head, and remember that your heart will, in the long run, hurt even worse when this ends (and it will). How awful for you to have to go through that yet again. Honestly? I know it feels like exactly the opposite right now, but I think you dodged a big bullet when this guy went back to his wife. I feel sorry for you and your pain, I really do.... but I feel sorry for her too, for having to live with this guy for the rest of her life. You, on the other hand, are free to find someone who is much better than that.
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Do you want me to tell you what he see you as? What he called you to your face without saying the word outright? Rickfox as much as I am dreading what you have to say, please say it. I need to hear it. See it in black and white. I have followed a lot of members on here and you are a name I remember. Why is that? Because you are blunt and harsh at times but with a good heart behind it 1
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 He can't have it both ways. It's totally unfair to you and to his wife. He chose his wife and family so really, as painful as this is for you, please walk away from him. If you hang onto little bits and pieces he can offer you on his terms, you will be the one stuck and hurting for a long time. Once your heart reaches to where your head is, and you suffer more pain then the decision to shut him out of your life for good will happen. Seems maybe you need to go through more of a roller coaster until you reach your enough is enough stage. Am hoping that you walk away now before he hurts you more. He is selfish to want you in his life! So what if he misses you! That doesn't give him the right to hang onto you and keep you/prevent you from letting go of him all the meanwhile he's happy and bonding with his wife again. I doubt she is going to be happy about you being in his life either and if she finds out, she will make him cut you out of his life all over again and you'll feel worse than you do now. Thank you WWIU, I always respect your wise posts and know you are right, just need my god damn heart to catch up
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Sounds like you have been thru alot (relationship wise) daughters father and the abusive xhusband. Perhaps those relationships have you feeling like you dont deserve the very best? Yes I think you are spot on blue, thank you
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 You are much stronger than you realize! don't be afraid to let go and move on. That pain will be final so you can really grieve this loss, rid of hope. I think your emotions cannot let you believe that he still loves his wife and chose her over you. Completely understandable but that is the reality. Once you can accept it, the stages of grief will come and you can work through this with no hope or expectations/desires to have him in your life. I so wish I could accept this. I can be so strong in a lot of ways but feel so weak with this man. It's ridiculous and makes me so cross with myself. Crying with frustration now
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