jgs78 Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 OK, so I have been dating a guy I met through an online dating website for about 3 1/2 weeks. He works in trading and has a very busy schedule but when he has his time off, he sees me. We have been on 4 dates and have already slept together. Everything was fine until Wednesday when we had our last date. We ended up going back to his place and I spent the night because the previous 2 times he had wanted me to but I didn't want to because I didn't feel like it. This time I stayed over, he said good-bye and let myself out since he had to go to work. The past times we had talked about when we would see each other next and how we like the way that things are going and don't want to rush things too fast. I am just worried that now he has changed his mind and doesn't want to see me anymore. When I got back to my place on Thursday morning, I wrote him an email just to say that I had a good time and that I was looking forward to talking to him whenever he had a chance. He wrote me an email and said that we would talk to me later and he never did. I sent him another email yesterday and have not heard back from him. I think he is freaking out on me. We started having the ex talk and I know from experience that for some reason, the 4th date is the date that determines whether or not you are going to move forward or not. The reason why I think he is losing interest is because he has not contacted me yet. He has never made promises he cannot keep in the past. He has always been good about making sure he contacts me when he says he is going to. This time he didn't tell me specifically when he would call me next but I just have an uneasiness. Why is it that guys always seem to do this? They open up, tell you their feelings and then freak out and don't ever want to see you again? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Is there anything I can do? My friends have told me that I can't do anything now and that I will just have to wait and see if he calls. I have been playing it really cool and not calling him or putting any pressure on him. I feel as if maybe I did something wrong but I don't think I did. I totally have gone over everything in my mind and the only thing I can think of is that he is freaked out somehow. Maybe non-committal. Does anyone have any advice? I really could use some reassurance right now.
Pocky Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 We have been on 4 dates and have already slept together. On which date did you have sex? How was it?
Author jgs78 Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 It was the 2nd one and it was fantastic. So do you have any advice?
Author jgs78 Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 I know that I should be trying to focus my time and energy on other things and not just on this guy. I just am looking for some advice, should I throw in the towel and move on? To anyone who has read what I wrote, do you think he is not interested anymore? Am I wasting my time?
curiousnycgirl Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Wish I could give you some pearls of wisdome here, but I can't. Your friends are right don't call, don't e:mail - just keep going on with your life. Two days really isn't a very long time and most guys don't call on the weekend. I always hope for the best but expect the worst - that way you'll never be disappointed! Sit on your hands (so you can't email or call), go out with friends, keep busy!!!! Good luck (and I hope he calls)
Author jgs78 Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 Hey thanks, I really appreciate your response! I have been trying to stay busy and not focus on it, but I guess it's hard once the emotions are involved. I know you are right, 2 days is not that long and I do know that most guys don't like to call on the weekend. It is really frustrating though, why do there have to be games? I also understand that we are still in the early stages of dating and that I cannot expect him to be like a boyfriend when he isn't. I know I have to keep on moving, thanks for your encouragement! Thanks, I hope he calls too!
joseyposie Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 he has tried u and found he is just not that interested in u anymore. read the book " he just not that into anymore". gives alot of answers. i had the 4 date thing and he hasn't called me in 6 mths so i go on with my life the book teaches u if he is interested he will be!
joseyposie Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 He is just not that into you ! a girl must guide.
Author jgs78 Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 Thanks, I read that book but I think you have to take it with a grain of salt. I was losing my mind thinking that the book answers everything. My best friend has even decided that if I quote it one more time that she is going to fly over here and burn it. It does make you feel better about yourself though. I know, I just have to keep moving on, if he comes around, then that is my decision if I still want to be around or not. Thanks for you help!
Author jgs78 Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 OK so I wrote a post earlier but I haven't really gotten many responses. So here I go again in a bit more detail. I have been dating a guy for a month. We have been on a total of 4 dates and slept together after the 2nd date. We had a little talk about where things are going on the 3rd date and that we agreed that we like each other but don't want to take it too fast and ruin a good thing. At the same time, we both said that we have obviously bumped things up a notch by sleeping together. OK so he is good about returning calls and calling me to make plans. Well on our 4th date, I finally stayed over at his place. He had wanted me to do that the previous 2 times and when I had said no, he had been a little bit hurt. So I stayed over, he said goodbye to me in the morning and then I left his place after he had gone to work. When I got back home, I wrote him a message just to tell him I had a good time and that I was looking forward to hearing from him next. He writes me back and HE ALWAYS does this, he writes in bullet points because he told me that he does not want to tell people things they don't want to hear. He said he also does not like to meander around the topic and likes to get straight to the point. He said that he was really busy, which he is, he is a trader, that he would talk to me later and hoped that I was having a good day. Well I have not heard from him and that was Thursday. In the past, he has never called me on the weekends and waits until the following week to call me. He has never said he would call me and then not call me. He follows through on his promises. Somehow this time, I feel as if he is freaked out though. We started getting into the ex talk a bit and I told him that we didn't have to do that because the past was the past. He opened up to me anyway and told me that he had had feelings a long time ago for this girl who is still his friend today. From the way it sounded, it sounded as if she were to think of him as a boyfriend and not as a brother as she has for the past several years, he would want to have a relationship with her. I told him that and he said no that they had tried it before and it never worked. SO this is my thing, is THIS the reason why he has not called me yet? Is he freaking out because he opened up to me and didn't want to and now he feels it is too late? I think I am losing my mind! What is his deal? Why do guys do this? HE VOLUNTEERED the information, I DID NOT ask for it, matter of factly, like I said above, I told him we didn't need to talk about our exes or past at this point. The other thing is that I have not put ANY pressure on him to be exclusive. I did make it clear that it is important that we talk to each other even though neither of us are phone people. SO I don't get it, I have this horrible feeling that he is recoiling. Anyone have any advice besides keep on dating other people? This is my big question. Should I call him and ask him what is the deal if I don't hear from him by Tuesday? I mean I know that if I don't hear from him and if I end up calling him I will most likely have to hear what I don't want to hear. The usual "It's not you, it's me." or "I am just not ready to commit" or "I'm sorry, I just felt like things were moving too fast" GEEZ even though I have NOT put any pressure on! HELP someone!!!!! Please!? MODERATOR'S NOTE: If you would like to get more feedback on an issue, rather than starting a new thread, please add a post to the thread you've already started, requesting more feedback/providing more detail/etc. Your discussion will be better focused if it's concentrated in one thread.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Dating is about getting to know someone. It is likely that he had enough time to get to know you to decide that he didn't want to be involved with you in a dating relationship - for whatever reason. It doesn't really matter what his reasons are. Its not likely he will tell you the exact reasons, anyway. You can really waste a lot of time interpreting things - and in doing so, you'll miss the point: that he isn't calling you back. Sometimes really excellent sex isn't enough to outweigh the desire not to date someone. Your gut is probably telling you what you already know. Here are a few things which stood out in your post which bear great attention: I have been dating a guy for a month ... not long enough to guage how he really is in a situation. Right now you are dating your impression of him, and your hopes of what type of relationship you can have with him, not the actual guy. We have been on a total of 4 dates, sex on 2nd date ... again, not long enough - you two skipped the intimacy and went straight to the sex. Intimacy in sex comes only in making love to the person, not just their body - in this case, you didn't know each other long enough to be intimate - only sexual. that we agreed that we like each other but don't want to take it too fast and ruin a good thing ... note the "good thing" part. That means that this casual, no strings attached, no commitment, no "talking about the relationship" are the good parts. Turning it into an actual relationship and talking about it would "ruin it". he told me that he does not want to tell people things they don't want to hear ... which you should have really taken to heart - he is telling you the deal by not telling you. told me that he had had feelings a long time ago for this girl who is still his friend today ... unresolved emotional issues with someone he wanted things to work out with - he is still emotionally invested in this person on some level. Go with your gut here. If he isn't taking the time to call you, then you may want to consider lessening your emotional investment in what you thought this relationship was and consider dating other people. If you want, call him and ask him the deal. If you get a cold shoulder, or some excuse - then say "thanks for a great time, you take care - bye" and then go about the business of deleting him from your heart. Otherwise you don't want to find yourself in the position of "hookup girl" - where your worth lies only in your sexual availability at his beck and call.
AndrewJ Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I would call him and ask him what the go is. Comunication is the key
Author jgs78 Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Thanks LucreziaBorga, You really helped me. My gut was right, I got the exit email yesterday. He gave me the whole "it's not you, it's me" line. He said he thought he was ready for a relationship but guess he isn't. I think the hard part to accept is that it's most likely the case that he is not ready, it is more likely that he is ready, it's just not with me. Plus his weird mentioning of his friend that he liked back in college is kind of strange. He obviously is hung up with her somewhere. Anyway, it's going to take a little time for the wounds to heal but I know with time I will be ok. Now I have to go through the long arduous task of looking for a new date. It really sucks though and it is hard not to get discouraged and to not have self-doubts.
clynn Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Wow I just went throught a relatively similar experience. We spent more than 4 dates together but it was over a realtively short amoutn of time also about 6 weeks and getting to know each other for a while before that too. We met through mutual friends and have seemingly a lot in common. We too had sex early on. I don't think that alone is a mistake but it just doesn't make intimacy. Intimacy is the really hard (and good) part. It really sucks. I totally totally dug him, lots and lots. I had no idea when we got together for our most recent date that he would end it there. He was really apologetic, its not you, its me, I shouldn't be dating this soon, Things maybe were getting too serious too soon. All that sort of stuff. I let him off the hook easy and said, "aah, well, we tried it, it didn't work out, be on your way then" all the best. He had been really good about phoning me regularly, talking on teh phone lots, initiating dates, planning cool adn fun stuff to do. There was no fall off in his interest level so I really didn't expect it when he ended it. Here I was gearing up....and he was gearing down. Was it because I was too closed off? Not able to be intimate emotionally? Should I have taken the keys to his apartment when he offered them? Did turning them down hurt his feelings and so he backed off? It really doesn't matter. At the end of the day adn what I'm least interested in admitting but which I know is likely closest to the truth . . . .he didn't dig me as much as I dug him. Sucks but true. I gotta suck it up and move on. All the best to you,
clynn Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 I thought I would put a link to one of my posts in case you're interested. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55977/
Gala242 Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Originally posted by jgs78 Thanks LucreziaBorga, You really helped me. My gut was right, I got the exit email yesterday. He gave me the whole "it's not you, it's me" line. He said he thought he was ready for a relationship but guess he isn't. Maybe if you weren't so easy he might have stayed longer, Now I have to go through the long arduous task of looking for a new date. Next time please have some dignity......make the guy wait, and if he does then you'll know that there might be potential for a real relationship down the line. If not then you'll continue to see this same pattern happening again and again.
Author jgs78 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Hey thanks for your story. It does sound like we had a similar thing happen and I know now what I need to do the next time a guy comes around. I know for one that I am definitely not going to sleep with him too early. You can't have a relationship if you skip the intimacy step. So I will wait next time. I also learned that I am finally over my ex boyfriend who I had been with for 7 years(we broke up about 8 months ago) because I am really upset about this guy not working out now. I think the whole thing of the dating scene that sucks is if you have a situation like this where you dated someone more than a couple of times and then they want to end it and then you NEVER see them again. That is really hard to take. Especially when you are the dumpee. It's like "I'm here, I want a second chance." But of course this is just the rejection phase and it's hard to not think that I screwed up. Time will heal, I guess.
Author jgs78 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Gala 242, I appreciate your honesty, but I don't appreciate you telling me I am easy. I know I made a mistake and not to have sex with someone too early in a relationship. I am sure you wouldn't find it too nice if you were going through a difficult time and someone wrote something like what you did, that was totally uncalled for.
CurvyGurl Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 I believe it. I think it takes about that long for a man to decide whether or not he likes a woman. And yes he'll sleep with her before he knows that. As the old expression goes, "kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises."
Gala242 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by jgs78 Gala 242, I appreciate your honesty, but I don't appreciate you telling me I am easy. I know I made a mistake and not to have sex with someone too early in a relationship. I am sure you wouldn't find it too nice if you were going through a difficult time and someone wrote something like what you did, that was totally uncalled for. If i sounded harsh i do apologize, it just amazes me how someone can just sleep with someone that quick, u didn't even harldy know the guy.......i don't know maybe I'm just old fashioned. Let me give ya some advice, men really do like a challenge, it keeps their interest, if they know they can sleep with a girl just like that... to them they will not see that girl as someone who they will want to be in a serious relationship with they will see that girl as only someone to have a good time with...that's all.
clynn Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 This is an interesting topic and so I decided to start a new thread...under "Dating" "Dating Standards" and "Rules" Looking for Real Life Opinions and Stories http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=56268 Check it out and share your opinions!
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