Traumatic Story

[KaliLove]

I'm a little nervous posting this story but I guess I should come clean. I haven't mentioned it anywhere else on LS.

 

I got married very young to a man who was 20 years older than me (daddy issues much?). He had a friend who had been in love with him for years and who had even divorced her husband thinking they'd be together (this happened before we met). It turns out he'd been sleeping with her on and off since they met, but he stopped when we got married, though they continued having an emotional affair..well she went completely insane 2 years into our marriage and pulled a gun on me in my own house (she had a key to our house in case of emergencies..I was SO naive...I also found out later that she had made most of the down payment on the house..she's very very wealthy and she gave my exH money all the time, which I didn't know about until after all of this happened..he lied to me about his salary), and she told me that he was only with me because she couldn't have children and that he didn't love me. I found out after the fact that the gun wasn't loaded but it was still terrifying.

 

The divorce was finalized 6 years ago. I am in therapy and I'm doing much better than I was before. I have even had a boyfriend since the divorce (we recently broke up..but that's a totally different issue). I don't miss him or love him anymore and I'm fine with the divorce but she still scares me to death. She's like my own personal Freddy Kruger.

 

I've been reading the OW section to try to understand OW mentality and to try to humanize them a little bit and hopefully stop being so scared of her but it's not really working very well. How else can I stop being so afraid of her?

[d0nnivain]

You shouldn't stop being afraid of her . . . by that I mean I would always be cautious around her. Pulling a gun on you shows that she is unstable.

 

 

Since you have left your EXH -- presumably the man she wanted -- you are no longer a threat to her. Logically she should back off. If you haven't had to deal with her since you spilt from your EXH presume that means she doesn't think about you any more & you are safe.

 

 

If I were you, I would go out of my way to make sure she doesn't know where you are.

[whichwayisup]

Did she ever get charged by the cops for threatening you and holding a gun to your head? Honestly, I would get a retraining order against her.

 

Sorry that you went through that, how awful!

[KaliLove]

The logical part of my brain understands that I'm not a threat to her anymore and she has no reason to come after me..but sometimes it's really hard to listen to the logical part of your brain.

 

She did check up on me once 3 years ago..she contacted one of my Facebook friends (I blocked her and had my profile on private but she's very computer savvy and she found a way to see my friends list at least. I deleted my account after that. As far as I know she hasn't tried since then, and I have moved more than once since the divorce..but she still haunts me sometimes.

 

WhichWay, yes, she did get charged and she spent time in jail, but she's out now (like I said, she's VERY wealthy and could afford the best lawyer in our city). I had a restraining order but it expired and I couldn't renew it since she only violated it that one time and it was minor.

[oldshirt]

Have you ever called the police?

[thummper]

Stay on guard, Kali. Remember, some nuts don't fall far from the trees. If she thinks, even for a minute, that your XH is having any contact with you, she will probably become a threat to your safety again. You should let your local police agency in on the background so at least they know a little of what you had to put up with. Be well. Stay safe.

[KaliLove]

That's just it..I want to stay safe and be on guard but I also want to stop being scared and having nightmares..

 

Also, I didn't reveal this to my last boyfriend. He knew I was married and that my exH cheated and we divorced, but he didn't know the super dramatic stuff. Should I tell my next bf?

[harrybrown]

On the next boyfriend, I would wait until you know he is serious.

 

Sorry you have to keep worrying about some OW that your ex brought into your life.

 

It is not just about the cheaters.

[KaliLove]

Thanks all. I know I should be ok by now and I feel kind of dumb that I'm not. But I was so young and so naive. I was a former foster kid and I was desperately looking for someone to depend on, and my exH seemed so fatherly and authoritative. The last guy seemed like that too but he turned out to be nuts (my therapist thinks NPD and BPD among other things), and he strung me along for 2 years after he dumped me because I let him. I still miss him, stupidly.

 

Sigh..I need someone else to choose men for me..I can't trust my instincts! I've been surrounded by mentally ill people my entire life so I guess it's just what I'm used to by now.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

Please take whatever precautions you can to make sure this whack job is out of your life. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have to constantly look over your shoulder or sleep with one eye open.

 

I can understand why you read the OW board to get insight into this but please don't think most of us are like that. Really, we aren't. I hate hurting people. I don't even kill spiders.

 

You sound very intelligent and sensitive and I think your next guy will be deserving of you.

[KaliLove]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

Please take whatever precautions you can to make sure this whack job is out of your life. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have to constantly look over your shoulder or sleep with one eye open.

 

I can understand why you read the OW board to get insight into this but please don't think most of us are like that. Really, we aren't. I hate hurting people. I don't even kill spiders.

 

You sound very intelligent and sensitive and I think your next guy will be deserving of you.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[aliveagain]

I have a bunny boiler in my life too. Years have passed and I am still unlisted. She intentionally had O/M's child and expected me to raise him,(bipolar). You need to make sure they don't post your address in the phone book.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This kind of stuff makes me nervous. There are some wackadoos out there.

[odinseye]

Thanks all. I know I should be ok by now and I feel kind of dumb that I'm not. But I was so young and so naive. I was a former foster kid and I was desperately looking for someone to depend on, and my exH seemed so fatherly and authoritative. The last guy seemed like that too but he turned out to be nuts (my therapist thinks NPD and BPD among other things), and he strung me along for 2 years after he dumped me because I let him. I still miss him, stupidly.

 

Sigh..I need someone else to choose men for me..I can't trust my instincts! I've been surrounded by mentally ill people my entire life so I guess it's just what I'm used to by now.

Try having a bi polar wife you can't divorce

If you want to hear whole story say ok

[odinseye]

This kind of stuff makes me nervous. There are some wackadoos out there.

I am considered one of those wack jobs because I wont accept that I have to almost get to my knees and kiss ass when told.

 

After the last thirty years I would kick ass and take names and that is thought of as insane in the society I live in.

[yellowmaverick]

She's like my own personal Freddy Kruger.

 

Yep.. some OW go absolutely NUTS when they finally figure out their Don Juan doesn't want them. We had the same problem. The OW in our case stalked me and my children, even after I filed a police report. My WH used her for sex about six times over 9 months (due to living 2000 miles apart), yet she stalked us for two years after d-day.

 

I filed a police report and documented everything. I sent copies of everything to one of my siblings and told her that if anything happened to me and/or my children, she was to go to the same police department and give them the file. I truly believed, and still do believe, that she was nuts enough to physically hurt us.

 

Be careful with thinking that you can gain insight by visiting the OW/OM section. Honestly, the stories of extreme selfishness and lack of decency by many of them will turn your stomach.

[KaliLove]

Yep.. some OW go absolutely NUTS when they finally figure out their Don Juan doesn't want them. We had the same problem. The OW in our case stalked me and my children, even after I filed a police report. My WH used her for sex about six times over 9 months (due to living 2000 miles apart), yet she stalked us for two years after d-day.

 

I filed a police report and documented everything. I sent copies of everything to one of my siblings and told her that if anything happened to me and/or my children, she was to go to the same police department and give them the file. I truly believed, and still do believe, that she was nuts enough to physically hurt us.

 

Be careful with thinking that you can gain insight by visiting the OW/OM section. Honestly, the stories of extreme selfishness and lack of decency by many of them will turn your stomach.

 

I've noticed. There are a few good eggs there though who are just lost and broken and who actually want to change. I have to respect that even if I can't respect what they've done to get to that point.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. That's a good idea, sending it to a family member. Maybe I'll send a copy to my bestie.

[yellowmaverick]

There are a few good eggs there though who are just lost and broken and who actually want to change

 

This is true. After my WH's affair, I lost my faith in humanity. Through their remorse and compassion, some of the FOW and FWS have proven to be the best "therapy" for me.

[KaliLove]

I think this is in the wrong section, it is about some nutter not really some other woman. This is horrible to have to go through but i cannot think you are at risk if you are divorced? I would get counselling for PTSD.

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am already in therapy for PTSD. This thread, and my participation on this site, is my way of proactively trying to help myself be 100% ok with everything.

 

And no, it's definitely about an OW.

[KaliLove]

I have a bunny boiler in my life too. Years have passed and I am still unlisted. She intentionally had O/M's child and expected me to raise him,(bipolar). You need to make sure they don't post your address in the phone book.

 

Thanks..I'm pretty untraceable online. I'm not on any social media sites (although I don't think I would be anyway..not my thing) and I'm unlisted.

 

Ugh..your situation sounds worse than mine. I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing well now.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am considered one of those wack jobs because I wont accept that I have to almost get to my knees and kiss ass when told.

 

After the last thirty years I would kick ass and take names and that is thought of as insane in the society I live in.

 

I'm confused - explain yourself a little more - are you talking from a BS perspective or an OW?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yep.. some OW go absolutely NUTS when they finally figure out their Don Juan doesn't want them. We had the same problem. The OW in our case stalked me and my children, even after I filed a police report. My WH used her for sex about six times over 9 months (due to living 2000 miles apart), yet she stalked us for two years after d-day.

 

I filed a police report and documented everything. I sent copies of everything to one of my siblings and told her that if anything happened to me and/or my children, she was to go to the same police department and give them the file. I truly believed, and still do believe, that she was nuts enough to physically hurt us.

 

Be careful with thinking that you can gain insight by visiting the OW/OM section. Honestly, the stories of extreme selfishness and lack of decency by many of them will turn your stomach.

 

But this is not true of all FOW - most of us are not bunny boilers and albeit we participated in this betrayal (some of us with our husbands as well) - we believed what our xmom told us - gullible or not. So there is pain for certain. For some, I guess, it brings out psychotic and dangerous behavior - but I would submit there most likely BS's that exhibit the same type of behavior.

 

There are those of us that are FOW that can provide insight because we have learned from the experience - at great cost.

[KaliLove]

But this is not true of all FOW - most of us are not bunny boilers and albeit we participated in this betrayal (some of us with our husbands as well) - we believed what our xmom told us - gullible or not. So there is pain for certain. For some, I guess, it brings out psychotic and dangerous behavior - but I would submit there most likely BS's that exhibit the same type of behavior.

 

There are those of us that are FOW that can provide insight because we have learned from the experience - at great cost.

 

That's why I'm here lil. I appreciate your perspective.

[Bootsie]

odinseye was taking on the perspective of the wronged husband, how I am to blame for all the wrongs done to him since we were married, He does not take any responsibility for the things he bought down on his own head, yes I was used to keep him in line, The family consensus he had to have a reward waved in front of him to be responsible to those he had to interact with, I suffered also and yes took some lovers.

People have to understand odinseye lost a sense of being a person that had to be agreeable when it came to the welfare of all, he said no one else is willing to give an inch why should he. We had to do something and that was the denial of me being available to him. It only worked for sixteen years, the last twelve have been spent walking on eggs, in the last five years he demands that I be a wife to him to the point after he found out last year that I went and had sex with an old BF, he destroyed him and his family, proved just how vindictive he could be, then two weeks later he told me it was time to collect what was due him. I said no he had not lived up to what was expected, He said yes it was either going to be with my consent or without it, I hurt for a month afterword, he has to be in counseling.

Since then however he has gone from a 6'4" 256 lbs man to 108 lbs, This morning we were talking about the new drugs making him well again, when the subject of his being controlled came up, I said if he is a good responsible man for two years, did not tell people to buzz of, be civil even when they are not civil to him we would talk about me being with him, He said he will never be controlled again. Said death was preferable. Went to a cupboard pulled a bottle I had never seen before and swallowed it he dropped to the floor an instant later with his mouth foaming, they pumped his stomach and called me he has to stay in mental health for a month.

Why is it so hard to deal with a person that wont kneel to the fact he has to be controlled for the good of all, Why would he think that it is better to die. I really don't think it was to much to ask.

Doesn't everyone have to have some control to let society work smoothly? And why do I feel like the villain in this.

 

 

My goodness, this thread is a traumatic story and not necessarily the one the OP intended to tell us.

 

 

Mental health issues are difficult to deal with both for the sufferer and family. It doesn't change my view that a spouse having it off with others, is not in any sense, a solution. I'm sure most people realise this can exacerbate any mental illness of the betrayed.

 

 

When I hear of a BS attempting suicide, it really upsets me because I thought about death a lot after D-day. For months on end I imagined some sort of passive death for me, where a concrete block fell from the sky. I am a mentally strong person with no mental health issues prior to D-day, but I could see how the betrayal by infidelity could push someone over the edge.

 

 

I hope you both are able to recover from this trauma.

[Speakingofwhich]

OP, I've had more than one bunny boiler in my life (all men). I'm single and all of them were single except for one who was married and a stranger. He fixated on me (from newspaper photo) having never met me.

 

Have taken three of them to court and put one of them in jail. And two of those people continued to stalk me at a later date.

 

Not sure it's an OW/OM thing as I'm single and all but one of the stalkers was single. Though one has since married but still stalks me.

 

There are just some nuts out there and we all need to be cautious all the time is the bottom line.

 

Once you are stalked, you realize how vulnerable a person can be and if a stalker is very determined you can be in for years of difficulty with them.

Edited March 30, 2014 by Speakingofwhich