Why did he want to talk and cuddle immediatley after the break up? What does it mean?

[clynn]

So my boyfriend broke up with me at my place. After dinner he brought up the conversation. It kinda went in stages, as in, I think we should slow things down a bit, I went straight from my past relationship (a crappy one) then into this one. Then after more talk I thought best to just let him off the hook good and easy and suggested perhaps what he wanted was just to end it.

 

 

From my perspective, I didn't want to go from GO to SLOW when really it is just putting off the NO. And the idea of sitting in the quagmire of uncertainty didn't appeal too much either.

 

Anyhow, he thought maybe that was a good idea too though he assured me he is attracted to me and likes my company. Yeah, yeah.

 

Which all would have been fine and I think I might have been able to accept it as a plain and simple break up. Except then he said, can I still hang out for the night? He was enjoying the conversation.....the whole discussion spawned all sorts of relationship talk, we were both calm and sensible...that we had avoided having.

 

And so we watched a movie and even cuddled (a little) on the couch, on his inititiave. Trust me, I was sitting on a chair until he invited me to the couch. AFter the movie said goodbye, said I'd still like to talk and see you sometimes, you can still call if you'd like.

 

Argggh!

 

 

Thoughts?

[johnnyapples]

Noooooo ....

 

You're breaking up with him -- he's trying to be mature and understanding. But don't confuse him with the "you can call anytime and talk". You might stir up dreams of hope. Set the ground rules with him if he is a nice person. Tell him that you need a lot of time to think things through and you have a really hectic schedule that requires you to focus -- or something closer to the truth. And tell him that you guys shouldn't talk for 2 weeks and think about everything and then have a light lunch together or a drink somewhere. Better a drink (not coffee) somewhere semi-public. Otherwise -- there is always this lingering hope that can turn into pain, etc.

 

I've been there on the recipient's end and I've done it to others. Its never pretty.

 

Hope that helps ...

[clynn]

Ummm, actually, maybe I didn't make my story too clear.

 

He broke up with me.

 

So I'm the one who is confused I guess.

[clynn]

I read my post again and realize why it sounded that way. I spoke in the first person as in "his voice" but I wasn't very clear. So it was him that was in a relatinoship straight before ours and he suggested we take it slow. More talking and listening and I gave him the easy out and suggested perhaps he just wanted to break up and then he took the bait.

 

THen all the rest of the stuff. He stayed around, we talked lots, watched movie, cuddled on teh couch (his initiative). He left, and he said lets talk.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by clynn

Thoughts?

 

Yes, CLYNN, you need to be a bit more assertive and bitchy. Men aren't that much into nice girls.

 

How can you cuddle and wathc a movie with some dude who just dissed you big time? You should have been throwing shyt and screamin' yer head off.

[clynn]

Really, huh?

 

Well there you go then.

 

I've never really been the assertive bitchy type.

 

I think it just makes me wonder why would he possibly be interested in hanging around after dumping me. You'd think he'd be itching to get out of here? I certainly didn't ask him to stay

[johnnyapples]

Ooooh ... sorry for the confusion -- reread it again and now I understand.

 

Ok ... the boy doens't know what he wants. But he wants the cake and eat it too. I agree that you have to be assertive, but you don't have to be bitchy. Just tell him straight out that he can't stay if he doesn't want to be with you -- meaning, no relationship, no staying around. It doesn't seem that you have any strong feelings for him so it shouldn't be so hard for you. Set the ground rules and tell him that you need to get on with your life and so should he.

 

If you really like him, then wait a few weeks after NC and then see what he thinks -- but I think you should definitely be very clear and no mixed signals.

 

Be strong!

[clynn]

THanks a lot. I'll see how it goes over the next few weeks or so.

 

I really do dig him it is just that I dig my dignity better and yet I sometimes fear that I worry about my pride too much and wonder if that got in the way during the realtionship, not showing him enough that I cared that sort of thing.

And that I didn't communicate openly.

 

A problem with my family in general, my bros gf called me recently to talk about his non communication. And my sis in law says we are all the same way. With men women somewhat expect it. But me being that way (I'm a woman) is sometimes frustrating for men I think cuz they expect women to begin the conversations about "we should talk". And I don't. I tend to behave as whatever is, will be.