happywithlife Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years. This is the first serious relationship for both of us after our divorces. We both have kids and are starting careers over. Both of us will be graduating in May and starting our respective careers. We talked several months ago and both seemed happy with the idea of moving in together when school was finished, even if that meant moving out of the area. This week, he had a job interview about 2 hours from where we live. I went with him to show support. Everything was going well, until the car ride home. We were discussing the interview and how the person conducting the interview did not have good personal skills. At one point in the day (the interview was several hours long), I ran into my boyfriend at a cafe during lunch. He was there with the person conducting the interview. I chatted briefly with my boyfriend and quietly left as I didn't want to interrupt his interview. In the car, I asked if the interviewer saw him talking to me. He said yes, but he told him I was just a friend he ran into. A few minutes later he then said he was asked during the interview if he would be moving with family. He then admitted that he told them he would be moving by himself and would have his kids on the weekends! He never mentioned that my kids and myself would be making the move with him! I felt very hurt and asked him why he didn't say his girlfriend would be coming with him. I let him know I was hurt as I've put a lot into the relationship and felt hurt that he couldn't admit that he was in a committed relationship! He claims the question caught him off guard and he didn't know how to answer it. He said he wants to make the move together and work on growing the relationship. I am now seriously reconsidering my decision to make the move as I am questioning his commitment to the relationship. Was it really just a slip during the interview? If so, why tell me about it? Or, is he too scared to just come out and say he's not ready to move with me and using this as a way to tell me he doesn't want to make the move with me?
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 It's illegal in the US for an interviewer to ask about someone's marital status. Your BF may have assumed that if he told the interviewer that you were his GF the interviewer may have wondered why you were there or whether if you got married, would company expenses to hire your BF go up because they would have to spend money on your health insurance. Your BF also probably didn't want to mix work & personal. If he told his mother you were just a friend you could get upset. With this he probably felt on the spot. 10
HappyLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 That was an illegal question for the interviewer to ask and your bf was trying to up his chances of getting the job. I think you're taking it too personal. Since your so upset I'm wondering if there are other red flags making you now so touchy. If he was lying to you why would he even share this with you? I totally get why he did that. An interviewer so unprofessional would have probably given him a harder time for having a family. Side note: I wouldn't change my kids life and pick up and move with a man I'm not even engaged to but whatevs.
Gaeta Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 At one point in the day (the interview was several hours long), I ran into my boyfriend at a cafe during lunch. He was there with the person conducting the interview. I chatted briefly with my boyfriend and quietly left as I didn't want to interrupt his interview. In the car, I asked if the interviewer saw him talking to me. He said yes, but he told him I was just a friend he ran into. That I completely understand ! No one wants to tell their job interviewer that their gf or bf is waiting for them in the car, in the reception area, or in your case in the coffee shop next door. It's a major faux-pas. I conduct job interviews and I can assure you this was best. A few minutes later he then said he was asked during the interview if he would be moving with family. He then admitted that he told them he would be moving by himself and would have his kids on the weekends! He never mentioned that my kids and myself would be making the move with him! First this was a general question about family, the interviewer was not asking if he was single or married. He probably asked because he knew your bf was from outside of town and if he moved with kids he'd need to organize himself, find a nice neighborhood, find new schools, etc. The fact that his girlfriend and her children may follow him is unnecessary information. He's not going to need days off to find your kids day care or schools, right. 6
contact1 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Agreed with the other posters, he was just trying to make it better for him to get the job. When given the option, a company would rather hire someone that is more available and willing to move, than someone that may come with issues due to the family side. Yes that was not a legal question to ask in an interview, however it was and when interviewing, you are selling yourself as best as possible.
Author happywithlife Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Right, but it is a job that requires work on the weekend and he admitted that he will have his kids on the weekends. So he would have to find care for them on the weekends he was required to work. Saying he has someone living with him who could provide that care for the kids would only benefit him in the interview. And he would need time to settle b/c we would need time to find a house and good school district for my kids. I'm more upset about the lie. Why lie about your relationship status. What will he say once he starts work? And why would he tell me he lied about his relationship status? He could have said my girlfriend and I are strongly considering making the move together.
HappyLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Right, but it is a job that requires work on the weekend and he admitted that he will have his kids on the weekends. So he would have to find care for them on the weekends he was required to work. Saying he has someone living with him who could provide that care for the kids would only benefit him in the interview. And he would need time to settle b/c we would need time to find a house and good school district for my kids. I'm more upset about the lie. Why lie about your relationship status. What will he say once he starts work? And why would he tell me he lied about his relationship status? He could have said my girlfriend and I are strongly considering making the move together. You're trying to make this interview about YOU and it's NOT! Now if there are OTHER red flags then you may have something to worry about. That question is a roundabout way interviewers try to find out a persons status if married or have kids. I don't blame him for having his guard up. Say the next guy they interview had no kids they may go for him. That's why these types of questions are NOT LEGAL. 3
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I'm more upset about the lie. Why lie about your relationship status. What will he say once he starts work? And why would he tell me he lied about his relationship status? He could have said my girlfriend and I are strongly considering making the move together. He lied because he was caught off guard by the Q & didn't want to sound like a complete idiot for having his GF come with him to an interview. Remember he didn't have to tell you what transpired. He could have kept it to himself & you'd never know. Get over the fact that in this -- presumably one of his first big interviews for a real post college job that was so stressful you had to come alone for moral support -- he panicked under pressure & said something less than perfect. If he gets the job odds are the interviewer won't remember you if they even interact at work. Or the interviewer will think that you started dating after the fact. In reality the interviewer doesn't give a flying fig about your relationship.
HappyLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You seem worried that he's really moving on without you. What about housing did he look for homes big enough for you and your kids as well or only for himself? I guess there's other ways you can find out if he's serious or not.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I would not be upset about this, at all. If I had an interview and they asked me about this I'd be likely to skate over it, if possible. But I wouldn't sit and talk about my personal life, and it's easier to say you're moving alone than to start trying to be evasive, and make the interviewer wonder why you're being weird. Of course they should never have asked but he probably wanted the job badly enough and the interviewer might not even be part of his new job role anyway. He maybe thought that mentioning a partner would make the company feel as though his attention would be divided. It's easier to be a workaholic and give the job your all when you are single, and focused. I wouldn't have mentioned a partner in this scenario either. I don't think it's anything to get too upset about, unless it has triggered underlying issues that already make you think he's not as into it as you are?
Goldenbrwn Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I am now seriously reconsidering my decision to make the move as I am questioning his commitment to the relationship. Was it really just a slip during the interview? If so, why tell me about it? Or, is he too scared to just come out and say he's not ready to move with me and using this as a way to tell me he doesn't want to make the move with me? Wow no offense but if you read this much into everything with your boyfriend you must be really tiring to deal with. If I were him I would be upset that something so small could seemingly shake your commitment so much. When actual issues come up I would think you would bail very quickly.
Poppygoodwill Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 The other posters make good points about the pressures of a job interview and hedging your bets trying to say things that won't make you a less desirable candidate. I think you should only be this upset if there are *other* signs that point to your fear that he's not that serious about you. Are there? Because if it's the first sign, then you probably are overreacting. That said, I agree with the poster who said they wouldn't uproot kids and home to be with someone unless you are at least engaged. That sort of sacrifice requires a serious commitment on both your parts. Yours will be evidenced by moving your family to be with him. What will be evidence of his serious commitment? Think carefully here. 2
MidwestUSA Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Not sure if anyone's mentioned this, but maybe he felt he would be judged for living with a girlfriend. You never know how conservative others are (maybe the whole company is conservative) and he played it safe. After all, you're living in sin (OMG, I know, right? ). He could have also felt some embarrassment that he hasn't put a ring on your finger yet, and just didn't want to get into it. Anyway, it was not their business, and I think he did just fine. You'll have plenty of opportunities later to be introduced as 'the girlfriend'. 3
Eivuwan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Honestly, in an interview situation you really should have just ignored him at the cafe. And I agree with what everyone else said, it's not about you or his commitment. It's about potentially not getting the job by revealing too much. Seems like you are still young and don't know how the job market works. 4
Art_Critic Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 The interviewer did not ask an illegal question but ask one that was improper, there are a few ways to answer an improper question and he answered one way.. not tell the truth. He answered the question as he felt the answer would be in favor of him getting the job. Try not to take it personal, in the future if he gets the job and the interviewer meets you it will not be a big deal...
isisisweeping Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Don't worry about it. It's like, "oh yes, I'm all about the job! Work work work, that's me!" It wasn't a question that should have been asked by the interviewer- could get himself in a sticky situation there. 1
RonaldS Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Beyond the questionable ethics of asking that question in an interview.... As somebody who is yourself divorced, dealing with another person who is also divorced, you have to view this pragmatically and objectively. If there is one thing that divorce teaches us, it's that few things in life are permanent. Decisions tend to be made, whether you like it or not, with his and his kids best interests first. That's not to say he's leaving you, moving on without you, or anything like that. But it does point to the possibility that he is trying to make the best decision he can, regardless of your relationship. In other words, if you're expecting a divorced person to pass up opportunities for you and your 1.5yr relationship just because you want him to.....well, don't. The key is now to talk about those opportunities, talk about the relationship, talk about the future and what each party is willing to do for it. Be honest about your needs and expectations, but also be empathic to the fact that he has responsibilities outside of your relationship. Also, why were you with him on a job interview?
StanMusial Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Also, why were you with him on a job interview? I have done interviews before where the candidate meets various people during the morning, then is taken to lunch, then meets other people in the afternoon.
RonaldS Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I have done interviews before where the candidate meets various people during the morning, then is taken to lunch, then meets other people in the afternoon. I get that. Why was she there? She had nothing to do with the interview. What did she do all day? Sit in the car and do sudokus? If it were me and I were going through an extended interview process and had a girlfriend or wife, I would prefer they stay home to avoid becoming a distraction or, as happened here, an inadvertent part of the process. 2
Author happywithlife Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 No, I didn't sit in the car and play Sudoko all day. I went with him because the interview was out of town. We both went the day before to get a feel for the community together. During his interview, I spent a good part of the day talking with recruiters in that community about potential jobs for myself. 't just happened that we were in the same cafe at lunch time and it happened that he saw me and approached me.
Mrin Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Ok I am more inclined to go with to OP on this but for different reasons. The fact that he answered the question that way is not a big deal or that he lied. When you are trying to get a job you try to eliminate any red flags. Moving in with your girlfriend and her kids is a stressor (mixed family). New job, new town, new living arrangements all increase a candidate's flake risk. So don't be upset with that or even the lie itself. Also - what area of the country is it? Unmarried cohabitation is still frowned upon in some parts. What I would be concerned with is why he shared it with you. If he is a goof that blurts things out without thinking about them then ignore it. But if he is crafty or manipulative then he might be telegraphing. Hate to say it but I am somewhat of a manipulator / Jedi mind trick artist myself and if I were looking to make a break I might do the same thing (I would probably be more subtle). It would get the ball in play and then I could steer the outcome in whatever direction I wanted.
RonaldS Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 No, I didn't sit in the car and play Sudoko all day. I went with him because the interview was out of town. We both went the day before to get a feel for the community together. During his interview, I spent a good part of the day talking with recruiters in that community about potential jobs for myself. 't just happened that we were in the same cafe at lunch time and it happened that he saw me and approached me. Ahhhh, gotcha. Still, I wouldn't look into it too much. As a divorced father, trying to explain the nuance of a new, committed but not to the point of getting married and moving in is much more difficult to explain than to just say you're not in a relationship. By saying that, he effectively ends that conversation in the interview.
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