You were punished for a crime you didn't commit

[waterwoman]

Finally. It's taken nearly 2 years for him to admit the affair was a punishment. A punishment for whatever made him feel unloved, un-special, fed up, deprived.

 

But that was not me. It wasn't me that made him feel that way. I was simply doing my best and struggling. I was collateral damage. I didn't deserve the punishment.

 

It really helped to hear him say that.

[snappytomcat]

after dday,I had a conversation with my husband,i said while he was out sneaking around,and having a good time with the ow,I was working and staying home with our youngest daughter,and he replied you might think I was having fun,but I wasn't it was the lowest point in my life,and it felt like I was in some kind of prison,and when I found out,about the affair,and he went nc,he felt like he was finally free,and a huge weight off his shoulders

[katielee]

It took 2 years, and a MC that wouldn't stop, for my husband to admit that the reason he had a second affair was because he had a chip on his shoulder about how i put a stop to his first affair. He didnt' get to end it like he wanted to - or with the courtesy he gave me in ending my affair - so he did it again. He backpedaled and said that wasn't the only reason and I'm sure it wasn't. But even if it was just part of the reason, it hurts. And it makes you wonder? Is the person I married just set on revenge, punishment, and getting even? and if so, do I want to remain married to that kind of person?

[katielee]

after dday,I had a conversation with my husband,i said while he was out sneaking around,and having a good time with the ow,I was working and staying home with our youngest daughter,and he replied you might think I was having fun,but I wasn't it was the lowest point in my life,and it felt like I was in some kind of prison,and when I found out,about the affair,and he went nc,he felt like he was finally free,and a huge weight off his shoulders

 

snappy, mine did too - said he was sick of acting out, but he said it like he couldn't control himself. And he could.

[gettingstronger]

My husband said something along the same lines- different, but an "aha" moment all the same-

He says that he had achieved more than he thought he ever would, got greedy and ended up being the POS he knew he always was-

He is from a long line of cheaters and we both thought he was different-

He is more successful than anyone would have dreamed he would be-

So what did he do-self destructed- whats really sad is that a few people at work know (saw he on a business trip) and he never admitted to himself until recently that is why they don't particularly like him- he thought he was such a big man with a piece on the side until he took a good look at himself post dday and saw what he really looked like-

 

You think your self esteem is low as a BS? Look at a truly remorseful WS and you will see what an esteem wrecker affairs are-

[waterwoman]

My husband said something along the same lines- different, but an "aha" moment all the same-

He says that he had achieved more than he thought he ever would, got greedy and ended up being the POS he knew he always was...

 

...You think your self esteem is low as a BS? Look at a truly remorseful WS and you will see what an esteem wrecker affairs are-

 

Agreed.

 

FIL was not a cheater as far as we know but he was selfish, unreliable, untrustworthy and treated his kids and exwife appallingly for decades after they separated. H as a teenager was a mess - rudderless, unmotivated, failed most of his exams, clever but lazy. It was generally expected he would do nothing with his life. He met me and he shaped himself up for me with my help. He always told me he was 'punching above his weight' being with me. I worked hard to support him in every way.

 

He regrets so much about his affair, but most of all that he stopped being 'a good man'.