inappfriendly Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Too many months NC for it even to still be relevant. In short, xMM is back home livin' the dream with W and family. The you-know-what hit the fan for me after DDay and my M is not going to recover. I created this mess so I am not looking for sympathy. In fact, I am not looking for or FEELING anything at all. A few weeks ago I saw him. He saw me. And nothing happened. In the back of my head and heart I was still hoping there was something, ANYTHING, left for "us". But nothing. NC just kept on going. I wasn't going to break it out of respect. Clearly he has his own reasons. It hurt to realize I am just someone he used to know. But then the hurt stopped. And now I just feel nothing. No love, hate, anger, remorse, guilt, sadness or happiness. I smile (and cry) out of habit. Every emotion feels forced. Is this my new normal or is apathy a reasonable stage in the healing process?! I am not looking for advice on IC, meds, or the like. I have done it all. Just hoping to hear responses from y'all who have been where I am and have come out the other side... 1
herself Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 It could be the acceptance stage and you could experience more waves of emotions as time goes by. I remember the numb stage & distinctly remember my first authentic true smile, I was amazed by it. It was encouraging. Sorry for what you've been through, i admire your strength for staying nc. Seems so calculating for him to see you and be so cold. That probably helped you move forward though it hurts. Just know you will find love again. 2
ladydesigner Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 It is a normal stage after all of those heavy emotions pass. I am a fMOW and a BS and that lack of emotion (apathy) is felt on both sides of the fence. For a BS we refer to this feeling as 'the plain of lethal flatness.' It sounds very similar to where you are at and I have been there myself. It is a rest period because there is only so much we can take emotionally, mentally and physically and I think we just shut down and take a break. Soon you will hopefully move to acceptance and indifference and you will feel all of your normal emotions again! Hang in there (((inappfriendly))) 4
Waverly Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Well, I'm definitely not through to the other side yet, but it does sound like you're making progress. Eventually you'll get past the apathy and start feeling alive again. It's just another phase of this whole mess. I'm not to apathy yet, but I've definitely been having that sort of dead-inside feeling for a little while now. My feelings for my xAP are still (obviously) a lot more mixed up and volatile than that, but in terms of day-to-day life? I've just been going through the motions. I keep telling myself it's just a phase. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life like this. 1
Cocochai Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 How long have you had those feelings? A are like losing a loved one to death. Some days will be good, others may not.
Quiet Storm Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Some people in deep emotional pain learn how to detach & numb themselves. It's not a conscious choice, but usually a coping mechanism from childhood that gets reactivicated in times of stress or trauma. It's your minds way of protecting yourself from emotional pain. The problem is that we can't pick & choose what emotions we wish to detach from. You don't just numb your pain... you numb your joy, as well. It can be helpful for short periods of time, but there is a risk that it will become automatic, which isn't healthy. Self awareness, acknowledging your emotions, labeling feelings (all things you likely learned in IC), can help. A specific thing that helps many is to write out the history of your relationship, focusing on the emotions that you felt at the time. Be specific in your writing. Describe the emotions that you felt and how they related to specific events... like feeling bliss from his kisses, confused about something he said to you, anger during an argument, etc. Remembering past feelings - from times that we weren't numb or detached- can prompt us to feel emotions in the present. You also may want to research treatment methods and helpful literature for those with PTSD. I am not saying that you have PTSD- but detachment & numb feelings is common in PTSD, so that literature may be helpful to you. 3
sunburned Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I thought apathy was the holy grail of this very forum? Isn't that what we all are tying to achieve? Why are you apathetic about your apathy? (Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week ...) I know you feel it's irrelevant, but I'm curious. How long has it been? I haven't seen my xAP in 9 months and total NC for 7 months. My feelings are no longer raw or active. I no longer crave this particular brand of crack. I don't feel a burning desire to text or talk. But I can't say I'm apathetic. I wish I could. I'm still smarting. 1
Author inappfriendly Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I suppose apathy IS better than raw and all-consuming agony! How's that for looking at the glass as half full!?! Furthermore, if my body is still functioning but my heart is dead, does that make me a zombie? Thanks for the replies. Gives me a lot to think about. My brain (and, unfortunately, its uncanny ability to recall every detail of the A) is working just fine... 1
starchild699 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 (edited) ladydesigner wrote: <It is a rest period because there is only so much we can take emotionally, mentally and physically and I think we just shut down and take a break.> I agree. In my experience it's a phase, one of many. You have a lot on your plate as I did. It's your mind/heart needing a breather. Hugs, starchild Edited March 28, 2014 by starchild699 1
Waverly Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I suppose apathy IS better than raw and all-consuming agony! How's that for looking at the glass as half full!?! Furthermore, if my body is still functioning but my heart is dead, does that make me a zombie? Thanks for the replies. Gives me a lot to think about. My brain (and, unfortunately, its uncanny ability to recall every detail of the A) is working just fine... Funny about that, isn't it? My brain has been in a fog for months, but I've managed to hang onto to just about every imaginable detail of the A. Sigh... And yes, it is an improvement, even if it doesn't feel like much of one. I was actually telling my therapist something similar at my appointment today; basically, that I may feel like I'm just slogging through my life right now with a constant dull painful ache, but hey, at least I'm not full-on sobbing every day. Amazing how our standards will change...
PurpleCardigan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Hey Inappfriendly, I'm not quite sure where apathy falls on the grieving spectrum but as another poster mentioned it usually comes when we are emotionally overloaded so we shut down for a bit -- at least it does for me. The problem is that you are not feeling anything...no joy and happiness nor anger or sadness. If this is a short term thing, then hang in there and keep moving forward...but if you find yourself stuck then you've got to find a way to feel the full range of emotions even though it hurts. When I shut down, my therapist has taught me to allow myself to feel a little bit. To give you an example, I'm in a numb period, too, but last night I woke up in the middle of the night and felt for a few seconds very anxious. Instead of mindlessly stuffing it down I felt the anxiousness and practiced my breathing to get myself to relax. It sucked but I've got to feel. Overtime, I'll begin to feel more emotions. This has happened to me before, and it is a poor coping mechanism when it happens for a long period of time and I'm not feeling ANYTHING. Another thing that helps, and not just in a relationship situation, are the same things that we hear over and over again. Spend time with loved ones, on hobbies, exercise, etc. Whatever it takes to calm your mind a bit. Last weekend I literally climbed a mountain (my first!) -- and for the first time in a few weeks I felt pure joy over my accomplishment. It lasted a few hours but for me that is a good step. What it is that you can do to focus on feeling the happy stuff? Anyway, I hope that this is a short term thing as your brain/heart gets a little less overwhelmed. If you aren't talking with someone about this, I hope that you can find a good ear in a counselor, religious figure, friend or whomever! Thinking of you and sending warm wishes! 1
Author inappfriendly Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Thanks, PC! I always love your posts. They really resonate with me.
Wambo Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I thought apathy was the holy grail of this very forum? Isn't that what we all are tying to achieve? Why are you apathetic about your apathy? (Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week ...) Going through aparthy isn't something to be proud of or wishing it happen to them. We had to get to this stage first and that mean the situations we had to go through would put a lot of people into breaking point. I'm slowly getting better but how can I recover from my situations if my emotions and social skills all went down the toilet? I'm having a difficult time expressing myself and I'm finding myself to be very cold in the past year or so. I do still care but I can't show it because I just can't. One of the best thing i can do is find work elsewhere to get away from my unprofessional manager and my exap but how can I when I can no longer express myself in the interview?
blue963 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Can you go to a job coach or something that can help you express your qualifications and experience so that you get hired faster?
PurpleCardigan Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Thank you for your kind words, Inappfriendly! Your posts resonate with me too! Our stories seem to have quite a few commonalities. 1
sunburned Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 [62297]Going through aparthy isn't something to be proud of or wishing it happen to them. We had to get to this stage first and that mean the situations we had to go through would put a lot of people into breaking point. I'm slowly getting better but how can I recover from my situations if my emotions and social skills all went down the toilet? I'm having a difficult time expressing myself and I'm finding myself to be very cold in the past year or so. I do still care but I can't show it because I just can't. One of the best thing i can do is find work elsewhere to get away from my unprofessional manager and my exap but how can I when I can no longer express myself in the interview? Wanbo, In my post I was referring to apathy/indifference toward the xAP, not toward life in general. I am sorry if that was unclear. I am exceptionally sorry if I misunderstood Inappfriendly's original post. Obviously apathy toward life in general is problematic. Hugs to you both.
Wambo Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Can you go to a job coach or something that can help you express your qualifications and experience so that you get hired faster? It's possible but the best solution is for me to get a transfer to a different department and get away from my manager. My manager got a very bad track record for mistreating his staff from harrassment to bullying. Just the other week a young woman left the company entirely just because of him and he did threaten her boyfriend who worked on another department. It got to the stage he need to go because more and more staff members are speaking out they are going to hit him. Both him and my exAP are the cause for my aparthy but my exAP cares for me meanwhile my manager want to control me and treat me as ****. It's very difficult tolerating his behaviour and a person can tolerate so much before either snapping or breaking. However it might be better if I register at a mental heath forum and find a possible solution there. As an adult no one should have to tolerate that type of behaviour especially I'm better at him at everything and can kick the **** out of him if I didn't have empathy. He's so pathetic I just don't want to waste my time with him.
PurpleCardigan Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I have a "cure" for the apathy...I made the stupid mistake of looking at his wife's facebook page and seeing the new profile pic of the two of them oh-so-close together and he looks genuinely happy. In earlier pics, pre-"us" he looked miserable. I'm such an idiot for looking. I felt the anger rise very quickly that I still am semi-stuck and working on detaching and he's crazy happy with his wife. I mean, I knew that because he chose to stay despite the protestations that life wasn't what I thought it was, and he was only there for the kid, but damn it hurt to see it. Oh, and I know that FB isn't necessarily the truth; but at least I'm not numb anymore. I am forever done with FB and think I need to start dating again.
jwi71 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Too many months NC for it even to still be relevant. In short, xMM is back home livin' the dream with W and family. The you-know-what hit the fan for me after DDay and my M is not going to recover. I created this mess so I am not looking for sympathy. In fact, I am not looking for or FEELING anything at all. A few weeks ago I saw him. He saw me. And nothing happened. In the back of my head and heart I was still hoping there was something, ANYTHING, left for "us". But nothing. NC just kept on going. I wasn't going to break it out of respect. Clearly he has his own reasons. It hurt to realize I am just someone he used to know. But then the hurt stopped. And now I just feel nothing. No love, hate, anger, remorse, guilt, sadness or happiness. I smile (and cry) out of habit. Every emotion feels forced. Is this my new normal or is apathy a reasonable stage in the healing process?! I am not looking for advice on IC, meds, or the like. I have done it all. Just hoping to hear responses from y'all who have been where I am and have come out the other side... This isn't apathy - its emotional shock and its leaving you stunned. Healthy apathy is not triggering on the past. Its not love, nor hate, nor anger, nor sorrow - the past and the actors in that past become - the past. An event that happened. Stirring neither good nor bad emotion. Unhealthy apathy - borderline depression, to me, is an inability to feel. As you say, its forced. Will you make it through to the other side? Dunno. That's for YOU to decide. Some people do - others do not. How do you want to live? 1
Author inappfriendly Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Ouch, Purple, just OUCH. But it makes sense to me now when people say Living Well is the Best Revenge. Don't YOU deserve vengeance?! If he can be "happy", so can you, dammit! You are tough. Keep up the good work! JW, I appreciate your input and concern. I agree with you 100%.
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