Sez.C Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Its only very early days yet but each day seems to get harder and 1 big struggle to get thru.. 2 Month ago i found a txt on my husbands fone from another woman as i read the text i knew this wasnt sum flirty banter text and there was more too it as he was meeting her some mornings before they started work, Yes "THEY" she is the office admin in the office where he works as it was late at night i didnt wake him to approach him as our daughter was in bed and wasnt the right time to discuss this so the following morning he left for work as usual and i text him asking if this is why he leaves early to meet the office tramp he couldnt deny it as i had the proof there in front of me.. His reply was i'm not denying anying and i love u with all my heart but she means nothing to me it was just sex but i feel our sex life as been over for a while and we avnt had that loving relationship that we used to av for ages. I actually felt at this point my whole world had crashed down on me but i also felt ashamed like it was my fault for not showing him any affection... The past 18 month life really as been testing me i got made redundant and also found out my nan had just been diagnosed with Cancer but it was in-operable and we knew she would need care and become really ill so when i left work i decided to take some time out and care for my nan which meant between all the family we wud all take it in turns to stay the night with her.. I really thought he was my rock thru out all this always there for me when i needed him (or so i thought) She passed away in Aug so now was the time to find myself again and try find a job, That is when i had a gut instinct something was wrong at home but couldnt put my finger on it as other than him going to work we was always together we av the same circle of friends so its not like we ever go out seperate but he would go to get showered etc around 8pm then watch tv in bed i'v never been the best sleeper anyway but i couldnt shut down properly and my body clock was all over the place some nights falling asleep around 3am, I felt we was in a rut but he always sed everything is ok work and money was just getting to him so as u do u carry on going.. I really dont know why i looked at his fone that night cos i av never done that but why is it i feel like i cant hold my head up and feel guilty when i'v done nothing wrong? So that following day i told him to come for his things and leave even tho i did still love him i was so hurt and angry i didnt know which way to turn he was gone 4 days when i asked him if we could talk end of the day i needed answers and lots of them so he agreed, My instincts told me she worked with him but he denied this saying it was somebody he used to work with and its been going on 3month i knew he was just saying this cos he knew i would and will 1 day go to the office Yes we had a talk but then i also found all the work emails which then answered everything it was who i thought it was but it had been going on for 12 month not 3 This now is the hardest everything came out i knew who she was i knew he spent our anniversary night with her and the nights he sed he was working away which is once or twice a month he was with her.. I'v now taken him back on my terms and that he has to find another job i really do love him and i do believe he still loves me but theres this big WHY i cant get my head round any of it.. Every morning he goes to work i feel physically sick and crying all the time knowing they are in the office together now to me if u'v had a affair there shouldnt be any friendship there after... I accept she needs to speak to him sometimes about work emails etc but she is trying to be too friendly for my liking and then he will delete these messages before i can see em (although i know how to retrieve old deleted emails ) So its all just making me paranoid when i av seen the emails and there is no reason wot so ever for him to delete them.. He knows the day he leaves work is the day i will come face to face with the tramp and let all her seedy little emails out to everyone the only reason i avnt yet is cos its a sackable offence for affairs to be going on in the workplace.... I really do hope we can get thru this but some days i just feel like i'm being kicked back down again like she is laughing behind my back... I really am sorry for the essay and rant to anyone that reads this but i really cant get my head round it does it get easier or should i just call it a day we av been married 22yr and together 25 so i do feel like he is my everything x
waterwoman Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Hi sez, sorry you are going through this. "then he will delete these messages before i can see em (although i know how to retrieve old deleted emails" This needs to stop. There is no way this is going to work with him in the same office as her and you not having willing transparency. Why does he do this ? Have you asked him? 3
petee Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 How sad that this situation eventually got somebody else involved. They are both very guilty of this betrayal, and you are innocent. Getting past this, if your heart is in it, is going to take time and lots of it. I'm guessing your a Brit, and if so you'all know that a councilor will cost a fortune . something we as a race won't pay. Read some other threads to find the titles of some established books. They will help, but the crux of any solution is you are going to have to talk lots and reestablish yourselves. There isn't a quick fix, I wish there was for you. Time, the great healer, and the careful management of your expectations is the slow solution. You say you love him; on its own this is not enough, but it's a start. Be patient and expect a lot of tears along the way....from both of you. Anything and everything is possible, but make sure its what you both want. Six months from now you'll hopefully be looking back from a happier place with fading memories of this dark dark period and place you are at now. 2
gettingstronger Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Not sure if you ever get over it, but it does get better- Reconciliation is hard work- long, painful hard work But if you both want it, it can be done. In some ways we are stronger than ever, but I would be lying if I did not say we are forever damaged- Only you can decide if its worth saving-and remember, if you do-its a gift from you and should be viewed as such- 1
Author Sez.C Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Thanks all and yes petee a very sad situation that someone who is your rock or u think they are can actually make u feel like nothing.. I know it all has to stop but i'v told him aswel until that trust is back i will check everything he does suppose it will make or break us who knows i do feel i am strong enough to get thru this but he just doesnt get why i'm still crying over this when as he says there is no me and her but he will never know wot this feels like the feeling of betrayal and the fact i feel like my confidence as just totally gone like i'v done something wrong when all i av ever done is put people before myself... Life sucks sometimes
petee Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Sez, If he kjust doesn't get the hurt which leads to the crying try a different approach? Get him sat down nice and comfy and let him have it. So hubby, imagine that you've just found out I've been intimate with someone else, and not just a quick fling either.... Go into quite good detail about the things he loves with you. I do not mean do an yo it, but get close to the knuckle and get him to really think about it...hopefully he'll empathise, and start to 'get it'. If he doesn't get it then you'll have to consider if he' s worth it. I hope we avoid that thought process, but you deserve so much better. Be strong, this isn't for the feignt hearted. 1
excusememister Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Sez, I am so sorry for your situation. I know where you are; how you feel; what you are going through. My DDay was 4 months ago, and just as your hubby was your rock, my hubby was also my rock. It's as if someone snatched the rug from under my feet; my whole world has been capsized. I think about it everyday; live it everyday. But I have come to accept it so I'm not nearly as angry as I was when I first discovered it, but I do still hurt and have enormous disappointment. IC and a good support group has helped me tremendously. Not sure if I will ever get over it, but with time, it does get better. As for the office tramp - I would have confronted her; made a phone call or paid her a visit. Maybe I'm different from most Take care of yourself! 1
Author Sez.C Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 In reply to your post excusememister no u are not different i'm just biding my time at the minute when i first found out yes i did call her but she's a coward and wouldnt talk just put the fone down on me wouldnt reply to my texts or anything which obviously builds my anger up more and the only reason i'v had to hold back is cos of my husbands job as it is a sackable offence in his work place he is doing all he can to build bridges and find another job but everyday is killing me cos i'v seen all emails between them over the past year i know when and where they was sneaking off.. But by far as she got away with this people might think its wrong to use violence but its nothing to what shes done to me yes it takes 2 and hes had it too but she knew he was a married man but still felt the need with the flirty emails ok not all men are the same and i'm not judging anyone but if its offered on a plate the temptation will more than likely be there. I really do feel for you cos some days i dont even want to wake up but i have 2 beautiful daughters and a grandson due in 4 week and that seems to be the only thing keeping me going.. We had words on Saturday which ended up him shouting saying this isnt going to work cos i'm always going to be bringing it up yet i dont i was just avin a bad day on Saturday my emotions were allover the place and i basically sed my head is twatted (excuse my french ha) But i do feel once i come face to face with her i will be able to move that 1 step further.. I'm a true believer in karma tho
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