li'l bunny Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 As you can see I am new and I wanted to ask a question about marraige also. I am twenty seven and have been married five years. I also have two children. Myself and my husband fight constantly, about stupid things. I resent him alot. I was brought up to believe that women and men are equal and it turns out that they are in fact NOT! I was working but because childcare in this country is so bloody expensive I had to give up my job to look after my children. My hubby could not do this because, though I was in my job longer he happened to get more increases in salary than I did and so was earning more money than me. So now I am twenty seven, no job, two children. I stay at home all day and clean and cook and I hate it. My hubby doesn't do anything. He works, my friend says to me 'is that not enough?' I shout at him all the time about cleaning up and how he does nothing. He shouts at me and tells me to leave him alone. I don't want to shout at him but I had to give up work to look after the children, maybe that includes cleaning up after them and washing their clothes but why should I have to wash my hubby's clothes and clean up his things? I never get any time off and feel bored and basically pissed off. I have started texting an ex-boyfriend of mine and he is always saying how sexy I am and how he wants to shag me and though we haven't done anything I am very flattered and refuse to stop texting him. I am getting attention that my hubby won't give me. He just thinks about work. I know it is stressful for him because he has work alot and things aren't great in work and we have financial problems now and again. We couldn't even break up if we wanted to because we couldn't afford it. Now I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid to do anything. I hide in the house feeling depressed and lonely and i really don't know what to do.
Matilda Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Well, don't take this the wrong way, but you are just going to have to get over it. You have 2 children that need taking care of, either you take care of them, or you figure out a way to go back to work and put them in daycare. I'm guessing you will just have to make the best of the situation you are currently in. First of all, stop texting the ex-boyfriend, that is just distracting you from your boring life, and keeping you from truly dealing with your situation. Secondly, find someone who can keep the kids a couple of mornings a week, or if you can afford it, put them in a nursery school a couple of mornings. Then either use that time to do things you need to do, or consider a small part time job that will allow some time with adults. Also, consider getting together with some other Moms and start a play group, the kids play, and the Moms talk. Thirdly, instead of yelling at your husband, sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him how difficult you are finding it staying home with no intellectual stimulation, or adult company. Tell him how difficult it is to keep all the housework done with 2 little ones under foot. Ask him what he is finding difficult. Talk to him, do not argue. The 2 of you need to talk, and care about each other. Work out some strategies together to make both of your lives better. You need to put an end to the pity party you are having, and start thinking of some ways to improve your situation.
li'l bunny Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Thank you. That is exactly what my husband says to me. The only problem is, we can't afford to put the kids in day care. I only want a few hours off at the weekends but he seems to think that that is his time off work. Also, I have tried talking to him about the work, we even went to counselling because after the first child he expected me to work and mind the baby and do all the housework. It hasn't helped. I even made out rotas which he ignored. He pretends not to know how to clean a bathroom. Anyway, despite that, he has a fierce temper and when I say things to upset him he invariably breaks things. Punches holes in the doors, throws things across the room. Sometimes I love him very much and other times I can't stand him. Do you go through so many emotions when you're married to someone? I know you don't always feel you;re in love and I also know the feeling of being 'in-love' apparently only lasts for the first four years. After that you have a mutual deeper type of love. We have been friends for years and only started going out a year before we got married. When I said I stay at home, obviously I didn't mean all the time. I do bring the kids to toddler groups and have moms over my house once a week but when I talk to them about it they just accept it. They are all unhappy about the situation too and think it's an unfair world but can't do anything about it so accept it. maybe you're right. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, accept the situation and be a devoted housewife and loving mother. I have children and a husband, it doesn't matter about me really.
herbalyyys Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Look, i am a 36 yr old Mom with 3 at home kids all under 5 yrs old.I stay at home with them,mainly because I AM THEIR MOMMY, and also it is too expensive even for part time daycare.That said...you need to STOP texting old BF and realize you are a MOM, and put priorities on your own kidsand household,not bemoan what Fate has made you a slave to the homelife..All you are doing with him is wondering "what if" and THAT aint gettin'the laundry done.Or helping you focus on your own family. THEN, you need to take charge of your own household.Change your mindframe.....You are no longer in a job,so treat your house like a job-Set up a schedule and FOLLOW IT!! Hubby wants breakfast in the early a.m. ? Hell, put a pot of coffee ready to go in the morning automatically, and leave a loaf of bread to make his own damn toast.If you have to, leave him a note telling him to turn pot ON, and butter is the big tub- in the big rectangular ,cold box called a fridge.And if he wants eggs/ Screw it -hard boil some the night before and leave the salt out.AND tell him to throw his paperplate away and put cup in the sink, as it would be one less thing for ya to clean. So set up a schedule-- breakfast at 8am,1st laundry load at 9:30.Dishes or iron while they rinse.I iron at nite when kids go to bed---NOT all his ****,just stuff he can wear to work that week.Go play with the kids ...do a toy cleanup while ya play.You'll do that the most thru the day.Snacktime? do THOSE dishes while they eat.Need to do bathtime? Let 'em pudding paint or water crayon in the tub-they have fun, their already in the tub-rinse em off then NAPTIME!! Ya just gotta make a schedule and stick to it.THAT is your JOB now. Private message me if you want--I'm open.
Anais Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Maybe find a girlfriend who has kids too and you can help each other by watching kids in turns, emotional support. I just got back from ladies meeting at church. Girls there help each other lot. When I first moved to US all alone with my daughter and had to work hard, I met some great people who helped me so much. And we had wonderful time: parties, trips, other activities. Now I am surprised how I was able to fit in time.
Matilda Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Okay, what is it you want to have happen? For you?
li'l bunny Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 To be honest. I do realise a lot of it is because I am in a rut but I don't ignore my kids. I give them their bath, I enjoy playing with them but I feel taken for granted. I don't want to turn out like my mother, still looking after the house at sixty with very few friends. She seems to have a lot of regrets. I guess I thought marriage would be different, that we'd go on family holidays and picnics and stuff. As it is I have to pretty much force my hubby to go out and play football with the kids. An important thing for me is that we both go to bed together and I rarely manage to persuade him. My mom says I must be doing something wrong if I can't get my hubby to come to bed with me! He is a very nice guy, considerate, and puts up with alot. I have gone back to college and am doing a Masters part time. But even while in college it's my mum who takes the kids (its only once a month). I do wash his clothes and put them away but I refuse to iron any of his stuff. I aim to go back to work when both kids are in school and if he doesn't start helping around the house of his own accord I think I might just have to do something drastic. I know a lot of mothers who have hired help but that's not something we can consider at the moment. One of the main problems is that I don't drive so I'm stuck in the house alot. Also neither of us are good at deciding things, he would never get the kids ready and say come on lets go for a walk up the mountains, or lets go to the zoo, or on a picnic. We just do the same boring thing. Why should I always initiate everything??
herbalyyys Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 well, its tuff being a stay at home Mom---I KNOW-- I do it everyday.It really is up to you to just get up and DO things.Hubby will start taking notice and when you just say,come on, lets take kids to a park, or zoo,he'll come along.already plan it and let him know ahead of time...Hey on thursday there is a clown show at the zoo, so we are going.i need you to help me keep an eye on them, and we need to spend at least one day a week as a FAMILY outing....sompin' like that. And ya know what...sometimes the house stuff doesnt get done.Kids are overactive,you just get in a funk..whatever.Dont sweat it.do it the next day.If you feel like a slave to the tedium of housework AND dealing w/ the kids on your own...let him do his own laundry...he's a big boy. what did he do before you came in the picture? Tell him you need his help, its just too overwhelming and you would really appreciate if he could help you out. men want a harmonious home, so he should be able to put some effort in. Our problem is we take on too much---we think we should be able to do EVERYTHING.sure some women can do it...I sure as heck cant!! I have a girlfriend.two girls,five variuos cats & dogs, a big rabbit, and a saltwater fishtank.Works full time...and never once have I seen a toy out of place, a stray hair on any furniture, or slime on her wall-length fish tank. her home looks like a model home.I hate her.kidding!!! I love her-one of my best friends...just some people can do it easily-shes one of them.
SoleMate Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Your situation is very common. Please check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It is tailor made for the types of problems you discuss. I am quite sure you will think that the book was written about YOUR marriage! I do agree that you must stop texting the bf, but I have a different reason other than "You made your bed, now lie in it". I believe that we all have a right and duty to pursue our own happiness, as well as care for those who are dependent on us. Being a mother and a wife should not be a prison sentence that drives you crazy with boredom, and maybe eventually, bitterness. The bf is a long shot on making you happy. You have better odds at finding happiness with your husband and father of your kids. You also know you would be happier for your kids to be in an intact family. You and your husband have fallen into some bad behavior patterns, but as of now, the damage is not severe and in fact, can readily be undone. Check the website. Why should I always initiate everything?? You may have better skills in this area. Or, after you have gone through Marriage Builders, you may find that your husband starts doing so much of what YOU crave, that you willingly do things like this for HIM. Or maybe even for you.
moimeme Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I shout at him all the time about cleaning up and how he does nothing. He shouts at me and tells me to leave him alone. I don't want to shout at him but I had to give up work to look after the children, maybe that includes cleaning up after them and washing their clothes but why should I have to wash my hubby's clothes and clean up his things? I never get any time off and feel bored and basically pissed off. If he has white shirts and you're doing whites anyway, where's the problem? Anyway, nobody on the planet responds well to being shouted at. Absolutely go to <removed> and read about how to negotiate doing chores with your spouse. Even if you don't like what your spouse is doing, you need to treat him like a human being. You wouldn't walk into a drugstore and start shrieking your order at the pharmacist. At the very least, learn to be civil in the house. Anyway, despite that, he has a fierce temper and when I say things to upset him he invariably breaks things. Punches holes in the doors, throws things across the room. People seem to have ignored this. Your children do not need to be in such a situation. It is only a matter of time before he starts hitting you and/or the kids. This by far is the most serious issue, not your 'boredom'. He is a very nice guy, considerate, and puts up with alot Which is it? Is he angry and frustrated or nice and considerate??????????? I have gone back to college and am doing a Masters part time. So you do have something to do other than just housework. Plus, once your kids are in school you certainly should be able to work at least part-time. You may be able to then afford after-care for the kids for the afternoons after school. I don't want to turn out like my mother, still looking after the house at sixty with very few friends. She seems to have a lot of regrets. It's not as though they'll be little forever. You are twenty-seven. Your children will not be at home needing you to look after them for thirty-three years. If your dad didn't 'let' your mom go back to work, that's their issue. You are planning to go back to work, so you don't have to worry about that. I guess I thought marriage would be different, that we'd go on family holidays and picnics and stuff. Did you ever discuss your idea of what marriage would be like with him? Did you discover whether he shared your vision? An important thing for me is that we both go to bed together and I rarely manage to persuade him. My mom says I must be doing something wrong if I can't get my hubby to come to bed with me! Well, if you're screaming at him and resenting him, why would he want to go to bed with you? If your relationship before bed is awful, then there's no incentive to be close. Work on the rest of the issues and this will resolve itself. Yes, husband needs to help out around the house some and yes, being at home can be dull, but you have your studies to focus on and you can get busy preparing your resumes and looking for jobs (which takes a lot of work) to pursue once your degree is done or the kids are in school. But if you are married to a violent man, that issue should be uppermost and you should persuade him to get counselling or leave.
li'l bunny Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 My hubby is a nice and considerate man, until I lose the rag and give out to him. I may not shout at him, I may just say something he didn't like and then he would get incredibly angry. He certainly has anger management issues but he seems to hurt himself rather than me. He would punch the wall or hit his head against something or once he even started whipping himself with his belt all because I told him I thought he'd lied about something. He frightens me but he has said he will get counselling, but I would probably have to set the whole thing up. He doesn't actually get angry with anyone but me. He says I am the only one who has power enough to hurt him so severely. I think you are all correct in saying I need to start taking control of my life. My hubby works a lot and works late quite frequently so I don't really get the opportunity to go out much. I'm afraid if I start having my own life I won't be interesting in maintaining any type of life with my hubby. But I guess if that's true then maybe I need to face that sooner rather than later. Saying that, I do think I love him, I would like to see myself married to him in fifty years time and I'd be upset (at the moment) if we were to break up. As for washing, that was his point too about if I am already doing washing what difference does it make if I throw in his. But really why shouldn't he put washes on now and again? I think that's a valid point. I don't mind doing housework during the week when hubby's in work, what really gets to me is when he's home and sitting on his arse while I am cleaning up and he makes no attempt to do anything unless I tell him to.
moimeme Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I don't mind doing housework during the week when hubby's in work, what really gets to me is when he's home and sitting on his arse while I am cleaning up and he makes no attempt to do anything unless I tell him to. Again, please read marriagebuilders.com. Don't tell. ASK. Honey, learn some civility with the other person who lives in your house. Trust me, it will work MUCH better.
li'l bunny Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Actually, I am quite civil. I have tried asking and it was his idea for me to tell him to do things. He pointed out that if I ask him he'll feel he has a choice and won't bother doing it. He says I should tell him. In fact I guess when I shout is mainly when the place is in a state and I'm stressed and he's doing nothing. As for the going to bed lark. We often have a civilised night in front of the telly but he hates going to bed before two in the morning he says he needs to unwind, and he can't do that until after I go to bed. Obviously if I want to have sex, I then have to initiate it downstairs (which doesn't bother me most of the time )
herbalyyys Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 wow.And it doesnt bother you that he whips himself with a belt?Punches holes in walls?That whole whipping himself and banging his head shows some SERIOUS problems-Not just with HIM, but with YOU assuming that its an acceptable behaviour. ITS NOT NORMAL what he is doing, and what you are doing by staying with him, is abnormal and dysfunctional(on an UN-- acceptable level). He needs some SERIOUS counseling,and you need to seperate you and the children from him.
mt_joy Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Wow. I can't even believe what I have read. He sounds violent. One day taht violence with inanimate objects may transfer intself to you. And you think punching holes in walls is normal???? Look at what you're doing to your kids! You complain about being a mom. I just don't get you at all. He is a provider and you can't appreciate that? You two need serious help. Get some counselling asap. Joy MT Student
herbalyyys Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Do you see the reaction of all who have replied to your query? We do not mean to come accross mean, but we are ALL adamant that you need to distance you and your child AWAY from him, and that he needs therapy.Now, you cant control him, but you CAN control what YOU do.LISTEN to us when we say his behaviour is not at all what is considered "normal". Please pay attention to these replies. I used to assist at a womens rape and crisis center in North Dakota...Please dont be one of the horror stories we used as an example. You are much better off alone with your child(ren) and struggling, then you are alone over a grave.Or what would happen if it was YOU that was injured?
li'l bunny Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 It's not as bad as it sounds. He doesn't get angry that often and when he does it's because I provoke him. I sometimes say hurtful things. As for being a mom, I am not complaining about being a mother, I love it. I just don't like being a housewife. People joke about how I spend my hubby's money and it really gets to me. Plus I am not his servant. I do not want to wait for him all the time. Wait for him to come home for dinner (which he rarely does because he;s working), wait for him to leave in the morning, wait for him to get up at weekends, wait for him to offer once, just once to wash the dishes after dinner or even to cook dinner. I have three brothers and they don't have a problem sharing the kids and sharing the housework. That's all I'm saying.
Matilda Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Wow, not sure where to begin. There seem to be a lot of issues here. 1. Husband's violence: This is concerning, but I'm not sure that at this point it's a marriage deal breaker. However, I think I would insist he get some counseling. Whipping yourself with a belt is extremely odd behavior. That combined with some of his other behaviors makes me wonder if something else is going on with him. Maybe depression, I don't know really, but it does seem that he needs to do some work on himself. 2. Housewife hating: I absolutley can identify with enjoying being a mother, but hating housework. I stay home with my 3 children and don't work, but really would prefer to work at least part time. I would much rather work, and pay somebody to clean my house, but that is not an option for us right now. Housework is just not something I'm interested in, or good at. However, it must be done, and I am the one here with the most time to do it. So, I do it, not well, but I do it. My husband does do his own laundry, and does the dishes when I cook. (We have a rule that whoever cooks does not have to clean up the kitchen. He rarely cooks though.) He takes care of the yard for the most part, and does most of the house maintenance. He also pays all the bills (I mean he actually writes the checks). He puts the trash out on trash days. He does help me pick up the toy mess if I ask him to, and generally will do anything I ask him too. He is very good with the kids, and does a lot with them. My husband is also not much of an initiator when it comes to outings, however he is always willing to go anywhere if I make a suggestion. I used to spend a lot of time pouting that he didn't just "know" to do things, or that he didn't take us all out somewhere. Well, I've found that is time and energy wasted. I either ask him to do whatever, or do it myself and get over it. Things have got to be done around here, and we both do a lot, and we both have a lot of responsibility. I think it is fruitless to sit around being mad because he is not doing what I perceive as his share. However, it is obvious that you don't feel the current housework arrangement in your home is fair, and you have built up a lot of resentment that is hurting your marriage. I urge you to take a look at <removed> (as others have done), there is a section on division of labor in a marriage. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5045_qa.html If household responsibilities are given to whoever is in the mood to do them, nothing much will be done. If one spouse demands help from the other, that will also have an unsatisfactory outcome. But if assignment of these tasks can be mutually agreed upon by willing spouses that accept the responsibility, everything will run smoothly. I would like to propose to you a solution to your conflict based on the Policy of Joint Agreement. As it does with all marital conflicts, the Policy will not only resolve it, but it will help you increase your love for each other. 3. Children: He should be able to watch the children by himself. I know you said your mother watches the children when you're in school, but does he ever watch them by himself? How old are your children? If they are very young, less than 3, he may just not have a very good idea how to play with them. 4. Feeling of isolation: Learn how to drive? 5. Marriage: Definitely look at marriagebuilders.com, and other marriage books. It does sound like the 2 of you need some work there. You don't sound like you have much of a partnership, or that there is any type of agreement on who should do what. Do some work and reading on building a good marital relationship.
li'l bunny Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Just to let you know I have bought a book called, 12hours to making love last. You do an hour a night and study it together. My hubby says he is willing to do this. I think you're right when you say I should stop sitting around expecting him to 'know' what to do because in reality this isn't going to work. Maybe I should begin a roster and include a night off for me every week and a night off for him every week, plus two or three nights a week that he can work late. Also maybe ask the kids what they would like to do at weekends. I still think my hubby should go to counselling. He should probably do this alone as I think he has issues he won't or can't discuss with me. Thank you for all your advice. My marriage isn't terrible regardless of what it sounds like. We've known each other for years and have always been friends. We love each other alot but children, finances, work all seem to be tearing us to pieces. It's something we need to reach a compromise on and talk about properly.
moimeme Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Wait for him to come home for dinner (which he rarely does because he;s working), wait for him to leave in the morning, wait for him to get up at weekends, wait for him to offer once, just once to wash the dishes after dinner or even to cook dinner. I have three brothers and they don't have a problem sharing the kids and sharing the housework. That's all I'm saying. Don't wait for him to come home. Does he call to say he'll be late or does he just not show up? If the latter, then tell him 'dinner is at X time. If you can't make it by then, I'll eat and put yours in the fridge to be warmed up later'. Then do it. I think you're right when you say I should stop sitting around expecting him to 'know' what to do because in reality this isn't going to work Men and women think differently. There is no getting around it. Most guys don't look at the kitchen floor and think 'ooh, that needs washing and I should wash it'. They aren't looking at the kitchen floor; they're staring blankly at it while thinking of something else. Their attention is often not focused on how the house looks (unless you ended up with a neat freak). Have you yet read the stuff we're all suggesting? It tells you how to get cooperation on these matters. Or are you being stubborn and refusing to go learn the very strategies that might help you?
Moose Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Most guys don't look at the kitchen floor and think 'ooh, that needs washing and I should wash it'. They aren't looking at the kitchen floor; they're staring blankly at it while thinking of something else. That's what you think. Their attention is often not focused on how the house looks (unless you ended up with a neat freak).And I'm not a neat freak. This whole thread brings me to one conclusion and everyone here is ignoring it. Everyone wants this angry guy who punches holes in the walls, and destroys household items in fits of rage to get counceling, and she's turning to self help books. Come on people. You two just need to learn how to communicate. That's it. I couldn't tell you how many holes I punched through our walls. How many powder cases Mrs. Moose shattered trying to hit me with them......how many mornings we both woke up and couldn't talk because we screamed at each other all night.....truth be told, after going through all of this, I can sincerely say that it made our marriage stronger. But all of this didn't stop, no matter how much counceling we got, (it just made matters worse), until we began to take time out, sit down, and learn how to communicate like civil human beings. Your situation seems so familiar to mine. And from my experience you have to learn that you gave yourself to this man for life. You have to honor your vows to him. You have to make sacrifices and work extra hard for a while to reap the benefits. When you're doing things in the hosehold that seems like you're slaving for him, step back, sit down, and realize that you are working for the marriage. You are doing these things for you too. When you wash his clothes, it benefits you. When you cook his meals, it benefits you. When it's always you making the, "family plans", it benefits you. When you scrub the toilets, it benefits you. Some people come here to the forum looking for reinforcement that they are the ones in the right. That they have the right to blame their SO for the problems in there marriage. This is a misconception. When there is something wrong in the marriage, you can almost bet the farm that both parties have something to do with it. Learn to sit down and talk.
li'l bunny Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I have to say, moose that I agree. But I look at self-help books to see where I'm going wrong, not where my hubby is going wrong. And yes I scream and shout and he does too but no matter what he says to me I don't punch holes in the walls or throw things across the room, that is loss of control going too far. Now maybe you notice the dirt on the kitchen floor but I can tell you that my hubby doesn't. He doesn't notice that he's left the beer bottle in the spare room for six months either (he thinks I'm being petty because I am refusing to move it). I will wash his clothes and make his dinner because I know he works hard but that's not to say i should have to work 24 hours a day seven days a week. He wouldn't have time to do housework during the week, all I want is for him to pick up his dirty clothes, if I leave clean clothes on the bed that he put them away and not put them on the floor, and help out at the weekend not just sit down watching telly with the kids. I deal with the kids, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I deal with any bills and any post that comes in, I organise the kids parties, I cook the dinners, I do (some) voluntary work in a society, I am in college part time doing a post graduate degree - all I want is a little help. Obviously I'm not going about it the right way so i'm reading books to help me, there is nothing wrong with that.
Elmo Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Wow. Sounds like a stressful situation. The one really concerning issue you have mentioned is him "whipping" himself with a belt. Is this a full blown whipping? Or is it like he takes a belt and bunches it up and slaps the palm of the other hand with it....like some guys make a fist and hit their other hand. I've seen rather macho guys doing this kind of behavior as a stress reliever. The hitting the walls is stupid and destructive, but, again I've seen some pretty intelligent, but very macho guys do this RARELY...when they are very overwhelmed. If he has never hit you or threatened you (or the kids) he may fall into this category. Still, counseling to deal with stress would be helpful. If he is whipping himself violently he probably has some kind of mental illness and you should try to get him evaluated by a professional. Your family doctor is a good first resource. You can make an appointment for yourself and explain the behavior. You mentioned early in your posts that you two couldn't split up even if you wanted to due to lack of money. WRONG! If you keep barking orders at your husband I guarantee that he will stay at work longer and longer hours, eventually find a more sympathetic woman to confide in and leave. Most men do not want to be married to a nagging "mother". They want a supportive wife, not their mommy ordering them about. This is just how most men are. You can be unhappy about it, but it won't change. You have made decisions in your life. You chose to have the children. My guess is that nobody was holding a gun to your head...or that it was your husbands idea. It is a rare situation that the husband is the one that petitions for children. They usually like a couple situation and agree with having kids after a lot of convincing from the wife. If this is not your situation....sorry I have jumped to this conclusion. If it is your situation....well....you have placed yourself in this. Perhaps you are angry at yourself and deflecting that anger to him. If I worked and was the sole bread winner I would expect my husband to tend to the house and all it's realities, i.e. dirty clothes, cooking, etc. I would also be thinking of ditching that trainwreck of a marriage if he barked orders at me the minute I came in the house. I would appreciate a nice hug and kiss when I came in...to show his appreciation of the hard day I put in. In turn I would show my appreciation for the nice dinner and lovely home he had provided for me at the end of the day. And no, I am not kidding. You can always find another woman in the same situation as yourself, that being one who would like to have a few days out of the house so she could find a part time job. You keep her kids three days...she keeps yours 3 days. This would be a logical solution to this part of your dilema. I can't impress upon you how important it is to treat your husband like a husband, not some naughty, stupid boy you have to harrass to take the trash out. Take the trash out yourself if it is bugging you. If you want to be the breadwinner....find a job that pays all the bills then ask him if he wants to trade places with you. He probably wouldn't....because men don't thinkg child rearing is the be all that alot of women do. However....he would probably be thrilled if you did get a part time job, dropped the kids off with the lady you make arrangements with, and contribute some dough to the situation. Just my opinion, but I've seen a bunch of marriages go down the drain due to the wife feeling "put upon" by having to do "womans work" and that husband not wanting to do chores the minute he walks into the house after an 11 hour day.
li'l bunny Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I see your point but I rarely give out to my hubby after he's in work all day (and most of the evening). In fact sometimes I prefer when he works late because when he's in work the house runs like clockwork, the kids are always bathed and in bed by seven thirty and by the time he comes home I am relaxing in front of the telly with a cup of tea. The problems arise mainly at the weekend. Also, we didn't plan either of our children. I was 22 when I got pregnant the first time, then we got married, then two years later I fell pregnant again (I would like to point out that both times we DID use contraceptive). I went back to work after my first child was born and still had to do all the housework and I know for a fact if I went back to work I would be stuck with all the housework again. We went to counselling about a year after we got married to sort out the housework problem etc but the cousellor kept asking about our sex life. She also said that my hubby didn't have to ask my permission to go out with the lads, that he should ring and say he's going out. My hubby didn't even agree with that one he says it's just common courtesy to ring your wife and ask her if she's mind you going out because she might have wanted to go out or might not want to mind the kids on her own etc etc. Anyway, I think you need to get a good cousellor and again that costs money. You say men don't want a nagging mother, well he wouldn't have a nagging mother if he didn't expect me to act like his mother, get him out of bed for work, clean his clothes, make his dinner. Men should grow up, women stay at home to look after the children, men are not children so they should stop bloody well acting like children. I don't even take that cr*p from my son who is four. He tidies up his own room and he puts his clothes in the laundry basket when he puts on his pjs. You ssaying I shouldn't be teching my son these basic steps????
moimeme Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 But all of this didn't stop, no matter how much counceling we got, (it just made matters worse), until we began to take time out, sit down, and learn how to communicate like civil human beings Moose, if you'd been to a good counsellor, and if you'd listened to what you were being told, you would have been taught how to communicate. No matter how you like to excuse your behaviour earlier by the fact that you're not so bad now, I still think yours was a very dysfunctional relationship. You say men don't want a nagging mother, well he wouldn't have a nagging mother if he didn't expect me to act like his mother, get him out of bed for work, clean his clothes, make his dinner. Men should grow up, women stay at home to look after the children, men are not children so they should stop bloody well acting like children. Clearly, you refuse to get it. You don't want to change the situation. You have no interest in learning how. You intend to continue harping because you don't wish to treat your husband like a person. Just get a divorce and save everyone the trouble. Including us for wasting our time trying to suggest ways to change the situation.
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