Cocochai Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Because any double life is hard? Can get too intense and almost exhausting. We never completely stopped talking, we live in a small town have all the same friends so we still saw each other but at times it's been talking ever day and more like a second relationship and other times it's more like friends with benefits, and sometimes just friends. Been like that for a couple years. We've only had one conversation about it and decided to try and just be friends, that was recent but it's already over. We talk a couple times a week right now but see each other lots more at times but in groups with other people. Both our marriages are pretty solid. We are both missing things that we provide for each other but really she's just a great person for me, she is one of the best friends I ever had on top of being gorgeous and smart and funny and great in bed. There's lots of reasons I have for being in the affair but I'm not expecting anyone else to get them. The things we're missing in our marriages we have brought up many times to our partners and they have been rug swept. We adapted. The reason I asked my questions was because, I always wondered what was going on during the NC periods in the XMM's world and then wham! He reaching out again... Although XMM was telling me he needed to focus on his family which I understood ... Over the course of two 1/2 years he's told me this twice while I've broken it off many of times. So in my mind your not really trying to fix things forever missing in your M... But just enough to assure the BS your faithful while acting like the perfect husband until the BS starts to get on your nerves again??? Or until I guess your missing the AP like mines has told many every time he reaches back out. And yes I can see how living a double life can be exhausting. It's exhausting for us OW/OM as well. My thing is until a person like my XMM gets a Dday or professional help, he going to keep doing that as long as I'm allowing it to happen. And if it's not me, eventually it will be a new AP for him. So my question to you would be... What would make you stop "settling" in your M to fix the void your AP is giving you or will that only happen when a Dday comes through and your forced to try and fix it?
Patrice Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 What they choose for themselves, is their choice. You have the choice to say, this isn't working for me, and move on. I think most of them have serious self esteem issues, and why they keep trying to get some validation. That is on THEM to fix ...not on you.
movingon45 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Because any double life is hard? Can get too intense and almost exhausting. We never completely stopped talking, we live in a small town have all the same friends so we still saw each other but at times it's been talking ever day and more like a second relationship and other times it's more like friends with benefits, and sometimes just friends. Been like that for a couple years. We've only had one conversation about it and decided to try and just be friends, that was recent but it's already over. We talk a couple times a week right now but see each other lots more at times but in groups with other people. Both our marriages are pretty solid. We are both missing things that we provide for each other but really she's just a great person for me, she is one of the best friends I ever had on top of being gorgeous and smart and funny and great in bed. There's lots of reasons I have for being in the affair but I'm not expecting anyone else to get them. The things we're missing in our marriages we have brought up many times to our partners and they have been rug swept. We adapted. You sound like my ExMOM AP I don't know anymore! Push/pull. We try to stop but then we start again and we just have very good conversations, not just about sex. Very complicated yet exhilarating, that's why addicting?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I guess I ask that beacuse BS posters on my previous thread have quoted 'my fWH has always maintained that around D-day his love for the OW "evaporated", and that D-day and the disastrous aftermath was the trigger for that.' I hope that is not the case for all MMs. It's not - I have been on both sides of this and I watch my husband. I know him well enough to know I didn't believe him when he told me he didn't love xmow. He did. If he didn't, he's just like any other douche bag walking the streets and that isn't my husband. It is about saying what you need to say to begin repairing the marriage if that is what you choose. Sometimes those words and actions (even if you don't feel it yet) produce the feelings eventually. You cannot turn off emotion like a water faucet - if you could recovery would not take 2-5 years in a relationship.
FoolishOW Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I've done this after periods of no to low contact but it was never about controlling her or keeping her on a string. I care about her and I have thoughts going through my head that she's over me and I'm wondering if she's thinking of me too, the same as you women say you wonder about him. It's crazy how all these men are being made out to be manipulative freaks just using people? I'm sure some are but you were with the guy, you have to have some idea if he was genuine or not. I have feelings just like anyone else. I contact her when I'm missing her, or if I think she's missing me. No other reason really. No master plan behind it. Your post actually made me laugh, Blue, in a good way... especially the line, "No master plan behind it." The reason it made me laugh is because it does sound quite innocently genuine, and Soooo to the contrary of all the psycho babble gobble-dy-goop "we ladies" are so ready to assign to the "Monster MM's". (Sorry if this statement is too sweepingly general.) Let me be more clear about that statement. I'm as guilty as the next poster, quite often actually, and sometimes I'm sure it IS warranted, but then there's a post like yours that just makes me sit back and laugh, and think, "Wow... as someone posting advice, I sure do sound like I seriously feel somehow uber qualified to speak like I KNOW IT ALL." I have to say, my posts always come from a place of hoping to be helpful, though I'm sure not all meet that criteria. Anyway, glad you responded to the OP. It provided good food for thought in a "big picture" sort of way.
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