3Delta Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Hello and thanks for reading. I need help because, through a string of events, my personality has changed and my outlook on life has taken a turn for the worse. I can no longer enter into relationships like I used to, and this is something that I need to work on right away. I am an 18 year old college student. I do not have much confidence so please don't view my description as conceited. I often do not feel like a worthwhile person, but in order to understand me, please know that I am sweet, smart (1350 SAT at 15 years old, Ivy League school), pretty (described by some as "gorgeous" , and slim. Last year, I became sick and the doctor that I visited misdiagnosed me. Because of the mistreatment, I became more and more ill, to the point where I was in a wheelchair for 3 months (and sick for 10). I had to leave college, of course, and the better part of a year was spent with me being unable to have any social interactions outside of my family. As you can imagine, I became very depressed. It has now been over 16 months since that ordeal began. I am much better, and I have begun my second Freshman year of school. Although I look like myself, the person who I was before (emotionally) is just not there. I used to have absolutely NO problems getting boyfriends. Although I am not a slut, I am definitely not a prude and I do believe that I enjoy flirting. However, I now feel like guys just aren't interested! It's like I have simply lost my touch. I don't know if I am reading guys wrong, throwing off the wrong signals, or just having unrealistic expectations. Where I used to have confidence when speaking with guys, I am now nervous and insecure. I feel like a little girl when I am around a guy that I have a crush on--embarrassed and pathetic. I recently began liking a guy in one of my classes when I noticed him at my church, sitting by himself. I hadn't payed him much attention before, because in my new state of insecurity, I had just assumed that he wasn't interested and decided to not pursue anything in order to not get hurt. But when I saw this tall, handsome football player attending church BY HIMSELF, I was so impressed that I decided it was worth trying. I mustered up the courage to speak with him briefly as class ended on Friday. I got his attention by calling out his name. He walked over to me, and I asked him if he was going to be at church this coming Sunday. He said that he would be if he didn't sleep in, and that sleeping in was the usual reason why he would miss it. I had a really hard time reading his body language as we were speaking, but I feel as though I might have a chance with this guy. How should I flirt with him? How should I handle it if I see him at church? I feel very desperate because I am admittedly lonely for attention, but I do not know how to approach him. I don't want to seem obsessive, clingy, or tartish. I would love to ask him out on a date, but I don't want to blow it. Any advice from someone who has worked through self-esteem issues or a guy who knows another pretty yet insecure girl would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you!
johnnyapples Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Self-esteem is a big thing. For guys and girls. Girls -- its harder, because there are a lot of things to consider, in my opinion. My suggestion is to first love yourself. Go to a mirror -- look yourself in the eye for a few minutes every morning for a week, and tell yourself how much you love yourself. Don't worry if you find it silly, just say it. "I love you. i love the way your hair is. I love how strong you have become. I love how can still ..." etc. You can easily find those words and as each day you do it, I'm sure you'll find more. Be sincere and look yourself in the eyes when you say it. Then practice looking at other people in the eyes during that whole week when talking to them. Don't be afraid. Observce how others react when you give them your full attention. Most people are shy. Watch as the other people's eyes dilate or how they look down or away from you, or shift their weight or make odd hand gestures. Smile at them and focus only at the person you are talking to. Once you get used to that for a week, you will notice yourself walking with your head high and your chest out. Dont' be afraid of what people think, the world is your oyster. When you feel you are ready, walk up to your "cutie" and look him in the eye, give him a gentle smile and pick out something he's wearing or some feature about him and joke about it. Something like, "Do you always leave your shoes untied or you think its just cool?" smile... "hmm... but brown is my favorite color .... " look him in the eye when he says it, wait for him to react... and then walk away. Confidence in a woman is extremely sexy and that momentary glance plus the comment shows interest. As you walk away, just do the cliche look-back and smile at him. That gives him an obvious indication that you're interested, but that the ball is in his court now for him to make a move. =============== hope that helps! There are many ways to go about it ... but I always believe the first thing is find the love for yourself before you find another's love. Best of luck!!
johnnyapples Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 quick correction ... NOT "when he says it" in the 3rd paragraph. i mean ... when YOU say it (regarding his shoes).
Screenplay Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 I was going to weigh on with some advice, but johnny pretty much hit the nail on the head. It sounds to me like you are a fairly social person, and you illness just caused you to get thrown out of that loop for a spell, thus causing the depression. Like johnny said, and like you have already mentioned, you know that you are pretty and smart. Find a mirror, look yourself dead in the eye, and tell yourself.
Author 3Delta Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 Thank-you all so much. I started thinking about what you were saying, and I began to feel better already. Perhaps part of me feels a need to justify myself by having a nice boyfriend. I keep trying to beat it into my head that finding a guy in order to feel secure is a very backwards way of doing things. Be proud of me! I couldn't make it to church this morning because of last night's snowstorm, so I wasn't able to see this guy. However, I did resist the urge to send him an e-mail. I thought, "Hrm, that would appear very random and strange to him". I'm doing better already about not obsessing!
johnnyapples Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by 3Delta Be proud of me! I couldn't make it to church this morning because of last night's snowstorm, so I wasn't able to see this guy. However, I did resist the urge to send him an e-mail. I thought, "Hrm, that would appear very random and strange to him". I'm doing better already about not obsessing! Good!! Hang in there. You need to be strong and confident of yourself before you need to find someone else. The love for yourself is the most important of all. You go, girl! Do you remember those SNL skits with Stuart Smally (by Al Franken), when he looks in the mirror, "I'm strong enough and .... " etc. Its funny, but it does help. And keeping busy and working on your hobbies and focusing on work/study, etc. really helps too. Do well in all those parts of your life and things will come. When a good guy comes around, he'll notice and appreciate all of those positive strengths of you.
Nellie Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by 3Delta Be proud of me! I couldn't make it to church this morning because of last night's snowstorm, so I wasn't able to see this guy. However, I did resist the urge to send him an e-mail. I thought, "Hrm, that would appear very random and strange to him". I'm doing better already about not obsessing! 3Delta, where is your school? I'm in the Northeast and just had to look out the window to see if there had been more snow -- no, thank goodness! Sunny skies, as opposed to last Sunday.... almost 3 feet! Anyway, I agree with johnnyapples. You'll get your game back, you just need to take a deep breath and go for it. Don't think too hard about it.
Screenplay Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Hehe, right on! To tell you the truth I used to feel the same way about myself that you said you felt, insecure about myself and felt that I needed a gf to "complete" me. However, Ive found that first you really just gotta love yourself, to be able to look yourself dead in the eye in a mirror and be perfectly content with the person looking back into your eyes. Once you accomplish that, its less a matter of "finding someone to complete me" and more of "finding someone I can share life with". At any rate, glad to see youre on the upswing again . If theres anything Ive learned in my whole 20 years of life it is that perspective and optimism are key in everything, if you have a good outlook on both yourself and life in general good things flock to you.
rowi1116 Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 hi. i am really happy to see all the great advice everyone has give here. (i love this place). remember always that you made it through your health issues, that it was a long and hard journey and you survived! congrats on that! I say this because i am a nurse, and i see daily the struggle. Be glad you are a beautiful rose that re-blossomed know that you will continue to be. You made it into a great school because you are smart. always know that the smartest thing to do is to love yourself. when you are ready, maybe even suggest forming a small study group with the cutie just to get to know him better. best of luck!
Author 3Delta Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 You all have been so incredible--thank you. Realizing that going from crush to crush to crush wouldn't make me feel better is allowing me to move on from where I was. johnnyapples: you are helping me so much by letting me know that it is okay to love myself... Nellie: I go to Wofford College in South Carolina. I was an early decision student when I was 16 at Bryn Mawr College, but when I had the problems with their health center I transferred. I'm very close to home now, though, which is so nice. Screenplay: I have two more years to get to where you are--wish me luck! Thanks for the kind words rowi1116: I really appreciate what you said. I've never thought of myself as a rose...wow. Some of the most incredible people that I've met have been nurses that took care of me while I was sick. There is one nurse in particular who is just amazing (her name is Paula). I think of the kindness that she has shown me, and it makes me want to be a better person to everyone in my life. Once again--thank you!
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