The case for leaving a cheater

[drifter777]

There are lots of reasons to try to reconcile after the affair. One thing we all know is how difficult it is to rebuild a marriage destroyed by infidelity. So, looking at the other side of this coin here are 10 reasons (not mine - I plagiarized the whole thing) not to take back a cheater:

 

1. The relationship will never be the same. While it's true that some people say a relationship actually improves after cheating, we should face the fact that usually it does not. That sense of freedom, of trust, of respect is gone for a while and may never come back.
   
2. You don't have to worry about it happening again. Cheaters don't always cheat again, but there's a decent chance they might. Why? Whatever made them cheat is probably still in his psyche unless they are seriously working on all of their issues. Because they had a choice to cheat. You didn't make them do it (no matter what they say). Some studies even say there's a cheating gene. I don't believe that once a cheat, always a cheat, but I definitely believe once a cheat, good chance of being a cheat again.
   
3. You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable. If your children see you leave a cheater, they learn that this is something that destroys relationships and is unacceptable. Which doesn't guarantee they won't ever do it or put up with it, but they will realize it has severe consequences.
   
4. You'll save on therapy bills. Because, believe me, you are going to need them now that you've decided to stay with someone who strayed.
   
5. You'll feel safer. Not knowing if your SO is going to cheat means never quite knowing when you might pick up a venereal disease.
   
6. You'll keep your self-respect. If you want to stay with a cheater, you should do that and not be judged. But, let's face it, your self-respect is going to take a huge hit for awhile. Especially if the affair is ongoing, or the cheating is chronic, how do you respect yourself staying with a SO who can't or won't value you?
   
7. Things can only get better. When you stay in a relationship with a cheater who makes little or no effort to change, things can only get worse. When you leave, things can only get better.
   
8. You're not taking the easy way out. It's as difficult, if not more difficult, to leave a relationship, even a bad one, than it is to stay in one. You're not the one giving up on the relationship, your SO gave up when he/she cheated.
   
9. You need a partner, not a child. It's not up to you to "save" your SO, "teach them" right from wrong, or "help" them get over their cheating habit. Your SO is an adult and should do that for themselves.
   
10. You deserve better. Believe it or not, there are men and women who do not cheat and will not cheat, and you deserve one of them.
    
11. You don't need any reason at all. If it just doesn't feel right staying with a cheater, walk away.
    

[road]

No case needs to be built.

 

 

If cheating is the deal breaker then the deal is now broken.

[Betterthanthis13]

Why are you posting about this?

[superdub]

1. It's exciting. You can get tested once a month at the clinic and see if you've won the consolation prize.

2. It's unpredictable. Shadowing your significant other can be exciting. You get to see who's getting all the sex you aren't.

3. It's like the lottery. If you decide to have kids, it might not even be your kid. Then you can pay child support while another dude's kid eats all your cheetos.

4. It's forever. They've cheated once. Will they cheat again? Who knows? Tune in next time they cheat. Same bat-time. Same bat-channel.

5. You can be the envy at the pity party. Your friends have all of their "normal" relationships. But you've got something really special. A hole in your soul.

6. They might eventually just leave anyways. And why protect yourself when you can risk your bank account, your health and well-being. Not to mention your sex life.

7. Sloppy seconds taste great. In the event you haven't ever picked up a slice of pizza off the floor that you took two bites of and tried to consume it, now is your chance.

8. Maybe they'll be your size. If they leave items of clothing at your house while you aren't home, free wardrobe additions.

9. Help around the house. Maybe she can give half the honey-do list to another honey and get you some assistance.

10. Who needs self esteem anyway?

[janedoe67]

It speaks of a man's strength character when he follows his conscience and leaves the wife who cheated. It speaks of a man's strength and character when he follows his conscience and authentically reconciles.

 

It also speak's of a man when he chooses to stay AND remain miserable, bitter, and punishing. But it doesn't say the same thing as what the previous two scenarios say.

[vera345]

It depends. I believe many BS stay and chose to reconcile because of the good things that happened before cheating. Many couples here have kids, and were together for 10-20-30 and even more years. They make choice to stay because of all good things that WS did during their marriage and not leave because of the one bad thing.

Both choices are hard.

[rumbleseat]

Reconciling requires that both parties be 100% honest with each other. The good, the bad and the ugly.

 

When emotions are raw, it's a hard road to take.

[AlwaysGrowing]

One doesn't need any other reason than it is a dealbreaker for them.

 

I feel sad for the folks that have never met a person who made massive errors in their life and changed. They have wisdom, understanding, peace, joy and a strength that oozes from them.

[Steadfast]

It speaks of a man's strength character when he follows his conscience and leaves the wife who cheated. It speaks of a man's strength and character when he follows his conscience and authentically reconciles.

 

It also speak's of a man when he chooses to stay AND remain miserable, bitter, and punishing. But it doesn't say the same thing as what the previous two scenarios say.

 

It may be a reach on my part, but this topic (and the way it's worded) takes most readers off path and into the same mess most of us fall into.

 

Let's be honest; most would try to reconcile with their cheating spouse if the cheater just *said* they were sorry and wanted to try. Judging by what I see on this forum and in real life, that's how most recons start. For the overwhelming majority of the rest; those betrayed spouses who go straight from d-day to divorce court, they are the ones who usually adopt the hard line. I see it differently now, over five-years out. I see it clearly.

 

My point has always been the same. Stop wasting time trying to fix or convince a cheater to remain married to you. If they're wishy-washy, take the cue and show them the door. For the rest, who wouldn't want to try?

 

That said, I truly and honestly believe that fewer people would cheat if they absolutely, positively knew that decision would cost them their marriage. The same can be said for any number of unhealthy choices.

 

For others, the risk would only fuel the rush. It'll always be that way.

 

Love your post Jane. You're getting deeper and wiser as time passes.

[Hope Shimmers]

I feel sad for the folks that have never met a person who made massive errors in their life and changed. They have wisdom, understanding, peace, joy and a strength that oozes from them.

 

Just a comment along these lines. I cringe every time I see a post title that has "Cheater" in it.

 

I get that they cheated, meaning they betrayed their significant other in a terrible way. But the term "Cheater" just seems like such a terminal judgement. When maybe the person just made a really huge, really bad mistake.

 

We are all human beings... not an excuse for 'cheating'... no one should. But to label someone as a "Cheater" in the same way that someone might be labeled a "Murderer" just seems wrong, somehow. Beat me up if you want - it's just my gut reaction to it.

[Zenstudent]

There are lots of reasons to try to reconcile after the affair. One thing we all know is how difficult it is to rebuild a marriage destroyed by infidelity. So, looking at the other side of this coin here are 10 reasons (not mine - I plagiarized the whole thing) not to take back a cheater:

 

1. The relationship will never be the same. While it's true that some people say a relationship actually improves after cheating, we should face the fact that usually it does not. That sense of freedom, of trust, of respect is gone for a while and may never come back.
   
2. You don't have to worry about it happening again. Cheaters don't always cheat again, but there's a decent chance they might. Why? Whatever made them cheat is probably still in his psyche unless they are seriously working on all of their issues. Because they had a choice to cheat. You didn't make them do it (no matter what they say). Some studies even say there's a cheating gene. I don't believe that once a cheat, always a cheat, but I definitely believe once a cheat, good chance of being a cheat again.
   
3. You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable. If your children see you leave a cheater, they learn that this is something that destroys relationships and is unacceptable. Which doesn't guarantee they won't ever do it or put up with it, but they will realize it has severe consequences.
   
4. You'll save on therapy bills. Because, believe me, you are going to need them now that you've decided to stay with someone who strayed.
   
5. You'll feel safer. Not knowing if your SO is going to cheat means never quite knowing when you might pick up a venereal disease.
   
6. You'll keep your self-respect. If you want to stay with a cheater, you should do that and not be judged. But, let's face it, your self-respect is going to take a huge hit for awhile. Especially if the affair is ongoing, or the cheating is chronic, how do you respect yourself staying with a SO who can't or won't value you?
   
7. Things can only get better. When you stay in a relationship with a cheater who makes little or no effort to change, things can only get worse. When you leave, things can only get better.
   
8. You're not taking the easy way out. It's as difficult, if not more difficult, to leave a relationship, even a bad one, than it is to stay in one. You're not the one giving up on the relationship, your SO gave up when he/she cheated.
   
9. You need a partner, not a child. It's not up to you to "save" your SO, "teach them" right from wrong, or "help" them get over their cheating habit. Your SO is an adult and should do that for themselves.
   
10. You deserve better. Believe it or not, there are men and women who do not cheat and will not cheat, and you deserve one of them.
    
11. You don't need any reason at all. If it just doesn't feel right staying with a cheater, walk away.
    

Drifter, I think it's kind of a sad post, and I agree with some of the others that you really don't need to outline the reasons for staying versus leaving. If infidelity is a definite dealbreaker to you, just leave. No justifications needed. I would like to add a different perspective to some of your bullet points though.

 

1. Yes, the relationship will be forever changed. But the people involved will be forever changed too (causing the relationship to change), and even if you leave - you need to work with what you've got, good and bad stuff among each other.

 

2. I agree there's a chance it may happen again, but you won't get any guarantees from any future partner either. Staying single seems to be the better choice if you want guarantees.

 

3. Correct. But you can also teach your kids about things being inacceptable without leaving, IMO (see #6). Staying and reconciling adds to the lesson by learning them about compassion, forgiveness, work to improve your selves, and that some people are capable of changing if they really want to. IMO valuable life lessons too.

 

4. You may also benefit from therapy if you leave.

 

5. see #2.

 

6. This is a question of how you look at yourself. I try to save my relationship and fight for my family, so does my wife. I don't feel like losing my self respect because of this. Mostly it's about proper boundaries, stating what you're willing to accept and what not - and then enforce these boundaries very carefully. I do this with my eyes wide open, not losing anything as far as I know. Self esteem though that's another question, but that won't make any difference whether you stay or leave.

 

7. See #2. I think it's a matter of opinion and perception. Each to his own.

 

8. I don't think of my choice as easy, neither do I think leaving is easy, but from reading other threads, I know we'll never agree on this. I think making the decission is the hard part.

But the fact is though, that if you leave, you're the one giving up. It's perfectly OK to do so, if you can't or won't deal with the **** sandwich, but don't try to justify your decission by blaming someone else.

 

9. I 100% agree with this, maybe even 120%

 

10. I really don't believe that anyone deserves anything. Entitlement fosters discontent and makes you vulnerable to making bad choices if you're not very carefull. Just ask some of the fWS. And how would you even know for sure if it's a loyal partner, the one you deserve, that you choose next time?

 

11. There it is - I couldn't agree more. The same goes for the decission to stay.

[karnak]

 

That said, I truly and honestly believe that fewer people would cheat if they absolutely, positively knew that decision would cost them their marriage. The same can be said for any number of unhealthy choices.

 

Yeah. I suspect most cheaters (men and women) consciously, or subconsciously, already have a hint wether their spouse will try to remain attached after they break the marriage vows. It's not that hard, really. Judging from my prior relationships I can feel wether the girl is more or less co-dependent of me. A more dependent person will try to salvage the relationship when **** hits the fan. More independent and free-spirited woman will certainly kick my ass if I screw up.

 

As for other cheaters, I guess some reach a certain point when they don't really bother much about what may happen to the marriage. "Too tired of living, but too scared of leaving" sort of.

[road]

One doesn't need any other reason than it is a dealbreaker for them.

 

I feel sad for the folks that have never met a person who made massive errors in their life and changed. They have wisdom, understanding, peace, joy and a strength that oozes from them.

 

 

 

It does not matter that the WS has changed for the good. It will be good for the WS and their new spouse.

 

 

Though all the changing in the world can never atone for the affair for some BS.

[Owl]

No case needs to be built.

 

 

If cheating is the deal breaker then the deal is now broken.

 

And if it's not a deal breaker...shaming those who were able to reconcile by telling them they have no self-respect, their spouse is destined to cheat on them again, and they're doomed to a lesser life because they chose to reconcile is simply a fallback to boost the morale of those who chose differently, for those who chose not to (or simply couldn't) reconcile their own marriage.

 

My thought is simple...reconcile if you want, don't if you don't.

 

Stop trying to shame those that choose differently than you have.

[Owl]

It does not matter that the WS has changed for the good. It will be good for the WS and their new spouse.

 

 

Though all the changing in the world can never atone for the affair for some BS.

 

Bolded what I saw as the most critical part of this statement.

[d0nnivain]

Other than superdub's tongue in cheek post, is there really a case for staying with a cheater?

[Owl]

Other than superdub's tongue in cheek post, is there really a case for staying with a cheater?

 

That's something that each individual BS has to decide for his/herself when/if they face that decision point.

 

Clearly for some, there is a case. For others, clearly not.

 

The deal here is that no one else can (SHOULD) make that choice for them, or attempt to shame or cajole them into choosing a specific option.

 

It's not up to US (the collective posters here on LS) to tell someone what they should choose, and that they're wrong if they chose other than the path we'd have taken. We can offer reasons why WE would make the choices that we make...but again, building a case for or against really isn't 'supportive' or helpful for most folks.

 

Supporting them through whichever choice they make is usually the best thing we can do from our own experiences.

 

My other thought is that the choice we make today doesn't have to be the choice we make tomorrow...or 20 years down the road.

 

If your marriage sucks...because someone cheated on you 20 years ago, or yesterday, or just because they're lousy spousal material...it always remains your choice, every single day, to either remain with them, or to move on.

 

Given Drifter's post here...why does he make the same choice day after day after day, if he's clearly convinced it's the wrong one???

 

If reconciling was the wrong choice....stop choosing to do the same thing every single day. Or...change how you're going about it.

 

But remaining unhappily in the same situation forever is clearly the worst possible choice.

[DasPope]

Very strange post ...

There are far worse things people do to each other in marriages then cheat.

If the relationship is good it can still be good after cheating.

If you allow it to eat you up you will just become a miserable person that's obsessed with the past. How can you feel optimistic about your future if you are so bitter about the past?

What's done is done ... Move on together or apart but make the most of the future.

Often the reasons to stay or go are complex but whatever choices we make its best to look forward rather then backwards.

[Appreciate]

Very strange post ...

There are far worse things people do to each other in marriages then cheat.

If the relationship is good it can still be good after cheating.

If you allow it to eat you up you will just become a miserable person that's obsessed with the past. How can you feel optimistic about your future if you are so bitter about the past?

What's done is done ... Move on together or apart but make the most of the future.

Often the reasons to stay or go are complex but whatever choices we make its best to look forward rather then backwards.

 

I can't think of anything worse than cheating except for extreme physical or emotional abuse (and cheating falls into the latter). I think you'd be hard pressed to name something worse than cheating. It's the ultimate betrayal of trust, and trust is the heart and soul of any marriage.

 

I read the intro to your thread and I think your reaction is far from normal, so I would consider that strange. The age difference between you and your partner leads me to believe that there is a parental element to the relationship, even if it's subconscious. The woman has cheated on you multiple times. You don't have children with her, and for god's sake please never have children with a serial cheater. No good can come of that.

[sidney2718]

Very strange post ...

There are far worse things people do to each other in marriages then cheat.

If the relationship is good it can still be good after cheating.

If you allow it to eat you up you will just become a miserable person that's obsessed with the past. How can you feel optimistic about your future if you are so bitter about the past?

What's done is done ... Move on together or apart but make the most of the future.

Often the reasons to stay or go are complex but whatever choices we make its best to look forward rather then backwards.

 

Great post! There ARE far worse things that folks can do to each other.

 

I would add only one thing: reconciliation requires, among other things, that both partners deal realistically with the other problems in the marriage. And there are other problems 90% of the time, if not more. Very often the BS feels morally superior to the point that all marriage problems attributed to him are just "blame shifting" on the part of the WS.

[sidney2718]

I can't think of anything worse than cheating except for extreme physical or emotional abuse (and cheating falls into the latter). I think you'd be hard pressed to name something worse than cheating. It's the ultimate betrayal of trust, and trust is the heart and soul of any marriage.

 

How about a spouse punishing a child hard enough to break bones or put the child into a coma? How about raiding your bank account, taking all your assets, and sneaking away, never to return, without a word to you? How about telling lies about you in such a way as to ruin your employability? How about finding yourself married to a violent alcoholic?

 

I could go on and on, but believe me, I've only touched on the printable ones. If you want to see more, consult your local TV news.

 

Being unfaithful is NOT the worst thing a spouse can do to you.

[Owl]

How about a spouse punishing a child hard enough to break bones or put the child into a coma?

 

That's not something being done by one spouse to another.

 

How about raiding your bank account, taking all your assets, and sneaking away, never to return, without a word to you? How about telling lies about you in such a way as to ruin your employability? How about finding yourself married to a violent alcoholic?

 

I could go on and on, but believe me, I've only touched on the printable ones. If you want to see more, consult your local TV news.

 

Being unfaithful is NOT the worst thing a spouse can do to you.

 

The rest of these are perhaps on par with...but not worse than, infidelity in my book. As Appreciate (to who's post you were responding) said, infidelity is on part with (a form of) emotional abuse.

 

Nothing you cited was worse.

[Owl]

Great post! There ARE far worse things that folks can do to each other.

 

I would add only one thing: reconciliation requires, among other things, that both partners deal realistically with the other problems in the marriage. And there are other problems 90% of the time, if not more. Very often the BS feels morally superior to the point that all marriage problems attributed to him are just "blame shifting" on the part of the WS.

 

I think one thing that you're not taking into account here is that often, those 'problems' you refer to stem from the same source as the infidelity did...'problems' within the WS. Unresolved emotional issues, poor relationship skills, poor boundaries...

 

In my case, we reconciled, quite happily.

 

But I will note that there were very few, minor changes I had to make on my side to improve our marriage. Most of the heavy work was on her side...she had to learn to improve her stress-coping skills, her boundary issues, and her commmunication issues...all of which were contributing factors to her choice to have an emotional affair.

 

But...all of which she was willing to work on in order to recover our marriage.

 

Which, in a contrary note to the OP's opening statement, led to an improved marriage, rather than a degraded, poorer version of one.

[Snowflower]

I've been around these forums on and off for awhile now but something I have noticed consistently over the years is the judgement a reconciled BS sometimes receives from those who divorced.

 

I haven't read posts from too many BS's who reconciled who say things to those who divorced such as:

 

1. What? You divorced him? Where is your sense of commitment toward your marriage vows? What about for better or for worse?

 

2. I can't believe someone would divorce their wife after she cheated.

 

No, reconciled BS (regardless of the success of their reconciliation) almost always support the divorcing BS regardless. It's too bad the support doesn't go both ways.

 

I think it is a 'misery loves company' thing.

[KathyM]

I've been around these forums on and off for awhile now but something I have noticed consistently over the years is the judgement a reconciled BS sometimes receives from those who divorced.

 

I haven't read posts from too many BS's who reconciled who say things to those who divorced such as:

 

1. What? You divorced him? Where is your sense of commitment toward your marriage vows? What about for better or for worse?

Actually, you probably haven't seen it that much if you haven't been around for awhile, but there are some posters on LS who often try to lay a guilt trip on BS's who have decided to divorce after infidelity, or believe they would leave if their spouse was unfaithful. Those posters try to claim the BS is unforgiving, intolerant of others, judgmental, or various other derogatory terms if they do not decide to stay with a cheating spouse, or if a person doesn't want to marry someone who has cheated on a spouse. I hear that on LS all the time.