I cracked. I contacted him after 8 days NC

[Me. Myself and I]

I feel like a fool. I hate myself right now. Why did I do it?

Why can't I get through my head it's OVER.

 

Please be gentle....

 

I called, no answer, so I text him because I felt guilty for snapping at him the last time we spoke. I wanted to clear the air.

He's told me he's done with us. He's told me he doesn't want to see me upset but, doesn't want a relationship with me. Yet I still continue. I still think that he's going to come back.

 

I miss him so much. I've played it out in my head. How it will go. What will happen. He will say I've made a mistake, I love you. I will pause. Then will say I love you too. We hug and tell each other everything's going to be alright.

It's never going to happen.

 

I'm still so in love with him.

 

I sent him this today,

 

You didn't answer my call. Understandable with how I've been. I've realised that my actions have just been me going through the process of loosing someone I love. I feel because I snapped told You I didn't want to be with you anyway. I've closed the door fully. I perfectly understand you dont want a relationship with me. And you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you. It's not fair on either of us. I'm cringing at the thought of how I acted. It was unfair of me to put my emotions on you to deal with.

I'm being productive. Writing, reading books and hanging out with friends. I've even signed up to a 5k marathon in Bristol for August, eeeeek! I've been using the time alone to learn more about myself. If i do me it’s a win-win situation: either one day you will see that and feel attracted to me again, if not, ill have grown and set myself up for something beautiful in the future. Maybe what attracted us to each other will eventually pull us together again, but not right now. I'd betrayed myself enough in this. As much as my heart urged me otherwise, I know I don’t deserve a relationship with someone whose heart isn’t really in it. No one does.

Take care

 

Did I get a reply? No. Did I want one? Yes. I hovered over the send button for two minutes. That might not seem long, when you're fighting the thoughts, it feels like a lifetime. I know I don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't want me.

Why, why, why can't I just accept that this is a lost cause? It's Because I'm in denial. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that what we had, is now gone. Finished. Over. I still can't understand how he can go from being unsure about things to I'm done in the space of a few days. I'm gutted that I let myself do this. It's been 5 months. Part of me is still hanging on. I've let myself down. I know I'm the only one causing extra pain. Why am I doing it to myself? Because I feel what have I got to loose. Why am I reaching out to someone who just doesn't care. Because I think he still does. This whole process is confusing, painful and a true test that I really am weak, torn and a mess.

Edited March 27, 2014 by Me. Myself and I

[bluegreen]

OK you did it its done no use crying over spilled milk.

This is us being gentle need a hug to ?

OK here it comes but now pay attention doll.

 

You want our help us veterans in this you then listen us and your common sense cause you do have you realized u screwed up.

One thing we really hate here is having people come here and us writing pages and pages and pages of same ol same ol and they whining and crying and yet doing same ol same ol.

 

 

You stop beating yourself up now and start doing things that will beat up situation you got yourself in.

DELETE BLOCK ERASE THROW IN TRASH are you ready to do that ?

 

If not let us know for an instructions how to do part 2

I may sound brisk now perhaps even arrogant don't let it it fool you now as much as you need gentle you need tough to.

[Zahara]

Oh, Me. All of that productivity you've been doing, letting him know all those details only made it look like you were trying to make yourself sound appealing to him. Then you mentioned that hopefully he will be attracted to you again. I wish you had posted here before you did that.

 

Just get back on the wagon again. Come here next time and allow LS to at least attempt to help you step out of the need to break NC.

 

This is possibly a lesson to you to not touch the hot pot again. Sometimes we need to get bonked on the head a few times before we finally go ouch and say enough.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Part of grieving is the fact that you will fall and get up again.

[bluegreen]

Yap fall rise up fall cry little eat some chocolate slip ...

 

As long as you are truly meaning to do this all these above and some not mentioned yet are OK and normal.

We don't expect you to be a wonder woman just to be a woman with enough pride dignity and self respect not to chase someone who does not want you.

Our hearts break for so many people here and not being wanted is terrible but if it happens you won't get it done by forcing it or him.

 

'ever'

[Zahara]

Eat some chocolate...I concur!

[Me. Myself and I]

OK you did it its done no use crying over spilled milk.

This is us being gentle need a hug to ?

OK here it comes but now pay attention doll.

 

You want our help us veterans in this you then listen us and your common sense cause you do have you realized u screwed up.

One thing we really hate here is having people come here and us writing pages and pages and pages of same ol same ol and they whining and crying and yet doing same ol same ol.

 

 

You stop beating yourself up now and start doing things that will beat up situation you got yourself in.

DELETE BLOCK ERASE THROW IN TRASH are you ready to do that ?

 

If not let us know for an instructions how to do part 2

I may sound brisk now perhaps even arrogant don't let it it fool you now as much as you need gentle you need tough to.

 

I do realise I've screwed up. Believe me. The people here are really the only support network I have through this. I'm not intentionally ignoring the advice. I really am grateful. I do so well and then I slip. I'm trying. So hard. I find it so hard to control these emotional waves. Today has taken it's toll on me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be whining or coming across that I don't appreciate everyone's help.

[bluegreen]

: )))

 

 

Come on doll its gonna be OK you are girl that will ran a marathon remember ?

OK now off to spread some more wisdom

[stillafool]

One thing that's for sure, his silence is telling you to move on because he has.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, you can't take it back now, but that last paragraph made me cringe. As a guy if I got that from a girl I chose to break it off with I would have just thought "WTF?" and just deleted it. Not saying this to drag you through the mud, just to give you perspective on how it was perceived so you don't make that mistake again.

 

What's done is done. No use beating yourself up about something you can't take back. However, one of these days you are going to be tired of looking like and feeling like a fool. Until you reach that point, I'm not sure how much of this advice on this website is going to help you. We can't help you until you want to help yourself.

[bluegreen]

Doll listen to me we are being tough now cause we have to be I been called every fool name in book by brothers and sisters here.

Yeah I consider these people here that they cried with me laughed with me and made me be strong smart and sensible enough to do for others what they did for me.

We don't wanna make you feel bad cry or feel like you are worst stupid cause you did this.

We wanna make sure to help you you don't do stupid again its not you stupid its well what you have done.

 

Still you did not rob bank killed someone or worse you made a mistake learn from it.

And it hurts doll we know trust us we know if you just knew some stories here.

If you just knew my story ...

 

But the point is we did not die slit our wrists we do not want them back anymore we are not US before.

 

You can and will get there

[Zahara]

I do realise I've screwed up. Believe me. The people here are really the only support network I have through this. I'm not intentionally ignoring the advice. I really am grateful. I do so well and then I slip. I'm trying. So hard. I find it so hard to control these emotional waves. Today has taken it's toll on me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be whining or coming across that I don't appreciate everyone's help.

 

We know you are not ignoring the advice. You're still raw and fresh into your ending so you'll fall a few times before you are able to have some restraint.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. This is a lesson, maybe much needed to help you really push forward now and move on. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

[Me. Myself and I]

I mean, you can't take it back now, but that last paragraph made me cringe. As a guy if I got that from a girl I chose to break it off with I would have just thought "WTF?" and just deleted it. Not saying this to drag you through the mud, just to give you perspective on how it was perceived so you don't make that mistake again.

 

What's done is done. No use beating yourself up about something you can't take back. However, one of these days you are going to be tired of looking like and feeling like a fool. Until you reach that point, I'm not sure how much of this advice on this website is going to help you. We can't help you until you want to help yourself.

 

Thank you for your honesty with that. I feel embarrassed with myself. He probably thought the same. Which makes it even worse. I don't even know what I was trying to achieve when I wrote it. Stupidly I thought I could appeal to something that could still be there. Clearly there's nothing there. I'm finding that hard to accept still.

[bluegreen]

OK enough we heard you understood.

 

Tell us what have you done so far to make sure this does not happen?

That's what we wanna know what have you done so far since you started talking to us to make sure this does not happen again?

 

 

What are you willing to do ?

[Zahara]

Now don't try and create ways in your mind to undo what you just did. If you are regretting what you wrote, just let it go and leave it. There is no need to send him anything more to try and undo it.

[Me. Myself and I]

Doll listen to me we are being tough now cause we have to be I been called every fool name in book by brothers and sisters here.

Yeah I consider these people here that they cried with me laughed with me and made me be strong smart and sensible enough to do for others what they did for me.

We don't wanna make you feel bad cry or feel like you are worst stupid cause you did this.

We wanna make sure to help you you don't do stupid again its not you stupid its well what you have done.

 

Still you did not rob bank killed someone or worse you made a mistake learn from it.

And it hurts doll we know trust us we know if you just knew some stories here.

If you just knew my story ...

 

But the point is we did not die slit our wrists we do not want them back anymore we are not US before.

 

You can and will get there

 

Thank you. You're right. We didn't die. I haven't robbed a bank.

I will be running that marathon!

We've been through a lot together, buying a house, miscarriage, family problems and more. By no means am I expecting pity, I know people have worse problems. I just thought this was me settled for life. The sooner I realise life isn't a fairytale. The better.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you for your honesty with that. I feel embarrassed with myself. He probably thought the same. Which makes it even worse. I don't even know what I was trying to achieve when I wrote it. Stupidly I thought I could appeal to something that could still be there. Clearly there's nothing there. I'm finding that hard to accept still.

 

You need to repeat it to yourself over and over anytime you have an impulse to send something like that (or anything). "He doesn't care" "He doesn't care" "He doesn't care". Eventually you'll get to the point where you don't care about his lack of caring, then you'll get to the point where you don't want him to care. But you have to force your brain to wrap itself around that central premise. It might seem weird and it might make you sad, but it's a hell of a lot better feeling than haphazardly throwing out contact like you have only for it to be dismissed or ignored.

 

I mean, you have to be active in this. You can't just wish for it to go away, you have to be aggressive in trying to repel it.

[bluegreen]

Why is not his e mail F B phone and all rest blocked ?

Why OK never mind why WHY are you not doing this now like right now ?

 

It will rip your heart open you think we don't know that ?

It will but it won't make it stop beating and we are proof of that each and every one of us Zahara Simon Me and few more.

 

You need to do this if you did it and made change UNDO IT and do it once again.

[Me. Myself and I]

OK enough we heard you understood.

 

Tell us what have you done so far to make sure this does not happen?

That's what we wanna know what have you done so far since you started talking to us to make sure this does not happen again?

 

 

What are you willing to do ?

 

I've deleted the contact details just now.

I've explained to his parents I can't have contact with them anymore. (They have been a source of hope with misinformation)

I've deleted pictures.

I've deactivated my social media accounts.

I've no belonging of his in the house.

I have been reading, a lot. Chick lit books.

Ive made more of an effort to get out.

The marathon I've signed up for is called colour me rad. It's going to push me out of my comfort zone and challenge me.

 

I'm willing to do anything to stop feeling like this.

[Me. Myself and I]

Now don't try and create ways in your mind to undo what you just did. If you are regretting what you wrote, just let it go and leave it. There is no need to send him anything more to try and undo it.

 

I feel like you can read my mind.

[bluegreen]

AND THERE IS OUR GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: )))) I am so freaking proud of you now like am gonna burst.

 

 

Hell my smile is way bigger then this

[Me. Myself and I]

You need to repeat it to yourself over and over anytime you have an impulse to send something like that (or anything). "He doesn't care" "He doesn't care" "He doesn't care". Eventually you'll get to the point where you don't care about his lack of caring, then you'll get to the point where you don't want him to care. But you have to force your brain to wrap itself around that central premise. It might seem weird and it might make you sad, but it's a hell of a lot better feeling than haphazardly throwing out contact like you have only for it to be dismissed or ignored.

 

I mean, you have to be active in this. You can't just wish for it to go away, you have to be aggressive in trying to repel it.

 

Thank you. My eyes are red raw right now from crying. I'm going to use that phrase all the time. In fact I'm going to attach it to my alarm clock right now so it's the first thing I see in the morning.

[bluegreen]

Aww come on now no crying HUGS.

YOU DID GREAT you been brave smart and sensible you made sure to do steps not to fall at same place you did.

 

OK this was a lot to do for one day we get it we threw a lot on you.

Go on fill a tub pour some bubbles and in and get in your comfy pj's.

Then sign off and even if you need to take a sleeping pill you had all you can handle.

 

Staying near PC might make you do something stupid take a phone to other room to we know you know that number by heart.

 

 

Come on doll wipe of those tears we are here Tomorrow again we promise.

 

 

Go take that bb bath and Zzzzz

[Zahara]

I feel like you can read my mind.

 

Girl, we know all about them crazy-making thoughts. Been there.

[katinlc]

I'm going through the same thing right now. Yesterday I broke 3 days of NC (I know not a lot, but that's the longest we have gone without talking) with a simple text of hope you're having a good day. This is the first time he just flat out ignored me. I then realized he no longer cares. It was further confirmed today when I've heard nothing from him and it is my birthday.

 

 

I WILL NOT contact him again. Every time I have wanted to text him today, I have instead just typed it into my notes function on my phone. That way I get it out of my system and can go back later and see how silly it really was.

 

 

I also have been reading a ton on these forums and others and one quote I saw that I love and have been saying to myself is "I miss you. I can't (text/call) you because it will only hurt me."

 

 

I'm a complete novice at all this, but slowly I am getting through it and you will too!

[Me. Myself and I]

I'm going through the same thing right now. Yesterday I broke 3 days of NC (I know not a lot, but that's the longest we have gone without talking) with a simple text of hope you're having a good day. This is the first time he just flat out ignored me. I then realized he no longer cares. It was further confirmed today when I've heard nothing from him and it is my birthday.

 

 

I WILL NOT contact him again. Every time I have wanted to text him today, I have instead just typed it into my notes function on my phone. That way I get it out of my system and can go back later and see how silly it really was.

 

 

I also have been reading a ton on these forums and others and one quote I saw that I love and have been saying to myself is "I miss you. I can't (text/call) you because it will only hurt me."

 

 

I'm a complete novice at all this, but slowly I am getting through it and you will too!

 

Thank you. I feel like a bit of an idiot for doing what I did. It's really hard. But hopefully will be the wake up call I needed.

That simple hope text is like a "fix" from an addiction. I know it's going to make me worse. Yet I find myself in this position today.

I use the notes section on my phone to do the exact same thing. I'll look back when I'm through this and hopefully realise what a fool I've been, while I'm deleting each and every one without a care about it.

We both will get through it! There are some great people on here.

 

And happy birthday