annanyc Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Hi everyone - need advice..... ok here's the deal - I've been "seeing" this guy since January 2012 - background.... I was left at the altar back in 2011 and met him a few months later who actually knows my ex fiancé - us meeting had nothing to do with my past relationship.... Me and him started hanging out casually and from the beginning he was always a little paranoid bc he did not want my ex to find out.... they were not friends but worked in the same company.... so they did know each other. They no longer work with eachother so us being "friends" on Facebook and stuff has been going on for a while...... We have had sex a few times back in 2012.... in the beginning he would always say "sex leads to feelings so its dangerous"... never took it any further - any time we hang out its usually at his house, we do not go out, we lay together - cuddle watch movies, massages, and maybe a little fooling around. we have not had sex since may 2012. I like the closeness and consider him a friend but a little more than that.... i'm in love with the guy! so since 2012 we have been hanging out and its always a great time. To this day he still has me come over and I see him like every week to 2 weeks.... he claimed back in December 2012 to only like me as a friend however how do you only like someone as a friend and get "close" - fool around with them..... how do u hook up with someone who u have no feelings for knowing how I feel for him???? So this brings me to know - ummm over 2 years of hanging out.... he will NOT have sex with me.... I have asked him and he says "not happening" - meanwhile im good enough to give him a BJ??? So now after talking to all my girls about it - everyone is convinced that he is gay!!!! i'm starting to think so myself.... what else could it be??? i'm no Marilyn Monroe but I do go out with other men and can have sex with anyone else eventhough I dont..... why is it that he just wont have sex with me!!!!! Icing on the cake which brought me here..... I texted him today to say "lets hang out in front of the fire tonight and have some wine".... his reply was "when are you bringing another woman over?"..... so now he is FIXATED on having a 3some with me and another woman!!!! so my response was "ughhhhh"..... he then says "whats the big deal, not like im going to have sex with her" - so basically he wants a 3 some with me and another woman..... but ONLY for oral pleasure from me and another woman - NO SEX?????!!!!! Seriously????? help! wtf!!!! how is it that I am in love with this guy and he clearly has some sort of issue going on..... THANK YOU in advance for your input..... how do I handle this???
AntiSocal Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Are you trolling? I don't think you know what love means. That guy, whether he is gay or not, is using you. Huge red flag: "we never hangout in public, only at his house." <---- you know what that means? He either has a girlfriend OR hes embarrassed to be seen with you. His sexual orientation doesn't matter, relationship wasn't going anywhere from the start. Are you a heavier girl? Do you think he would consider himself too attractive for you? If yes then that is why he refuses to have sex with you. He is selfish. Not only is he embarrassed to be seen with you, but he also thinks that you are so beneath him that he shouldn't even try to provide you with any sexual gratification. And why should he have reason to believe otherwise? You keep coming back and proving his point for him. As far as the threesome goes hes just trying to see how far he can push you. Get out now. And if this is a serious post you need to grow up and become a lot more aware of the world. 2
AntiSocal Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 OUCH... Thanks for your feedback Sorry if it came across as harsh. Gotta get worse before it gets better though. You sound really sweet, and that can be a bad thing in NYC with all the vultures circling. Just learn to look for the signs ahead of time. "Keep posting around here and i'm sure you'll learn how to spot guys like from a mile away. 1
Author annanyc Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 LOL yea - I am a nice girl - I think im a bit tooo nice.... im not 400 lbs but also not 90 lbs... I mean I get some great looking guys and people always ask me why and how im single. I guess im so mad at myself for allowing this to go on for so long....
Sweetnothing Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Is he gay? Doesn't matter. You still shouldn't be letting this scumbag treat you like that. "im not 400lbs but also not 90lbs" Doesn't matter how much you weigh. You COULD weigh 400 pounds and still find love. A 400lb woman could find true love if she loves herself enough to reject anything less than respect. I get the vibe that you're not very secure with your weight or your looks in general. I'm not gonna ask. You need to SERIOUSLY start focusing on yourself and raising your self esteem and this does not mean losing a single ounce (unless it would make YOU happy) it means raise your standards and DO NOT let ANY guy treat you like sh*t. If you want a relationship, do not f*ck, blow, or let anyone fondle you who is not seeing you exclusively. You need to command respect by conditioning every person you meet. You don't need to tell someone not to disrespect you, you simply stop taking their calls. I'm sorry you got sucked into a situation with such an *sshole and it probably has a lot to do with being left at the altar. That must have been a huge blow to your self esteem and that's awful. But you can't keep on settling because you're alone. Empower yourself. Remind yourself why you are awesome and don't need ANYONE.
ascendotum Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Yes if a guy knocks back a woman, it pretty much always means he's gay. lol He has had full on sex with you a few times, just that it was a while ago. He still sees you regularly and gets oral sex. For a lot of guys thats not bad going...and its still sex....for him...but highly unsatisfactory for you. Does your gf committee know you are visiting and servicing him? If so I thought they would do you a favor and tell you to forget hoping to win this guy over and not debate whether he's gay. As for the 3some...watching 2 women have sex doesn't mean he's gay either. Its unconventional for the guy not to want to participate but its no 'icing on the cake' evidence. Its seems you don't hang out socially, and be does not have a gf but you really have no idea whether he sees other women when you are not at his place or maybe he's just a low libido lazy ass (hetro) guy What AntiSocal wondered about in his 2nd paragraph, I wonder to.
Sweetnothing Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 "Keep posting around here and i'm sure you'll learn how to spot guys like from a mile away. I second this. After surfing the forums on here reading about a thousand different dating/relationship issues that leave me screaming "ARE YOU SERIOUS???" I dissected my own dating habits and want to punch myself in the face for all the time I wasted. Things that seem obvious from the outside are harder to see inside a relationship. This site is like peering from the outside into dozens of relationships and there's a lot of information to gain. We always want to make excuses for people hoping they're "different" but stick around for a while lol. Most of the time, if someone is mistreating you, it's not cos they're "too busy" or "shy" or "gay"....they're just a d*ck. this goes for girls too.
Koopa Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 maybe the sex was bad but BJ's were amazing, does he ever return the favor?
pteromom Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Why would you keep giving him BJs if he does nothing for you? I don't get it. He's is selfish and has no desire to love you. If he did, he would. You may have strong feelings for who you wish he was, or who you think he could be underneath, but that isn't the same thing as being in love with someone. This guy is a user. I don't think he's gay... I think he's an a-hole. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 He is not for you if he was he would be considerate and caring he isnt considering your feelings probably never asks you what you want or what you would find fun...doesnt see you in public or does he seem to want to in the future ..he isnt for you...end it soon...find a guy who cares for you...best wishes......deb
Author annanyc Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Is he gay? Doesn't matter. You still shouldn't be letting this scumbag treat you like that. "im not 400lbs but also not 90lbs" Doesn't matter how much you weigh. You COULD weigh 400 pounds and still find love. A 400lb woman could find true love if she loves herself enough to reject anything less than respect. I get the vibe that you're not very secure with your weight or your looks in general. I'm not gonna ask. You need to SERIOUSLY start focusing on yourself and raising your self esteem and this does not mean losing a single ounce (unless it would make YOU happy) it means raise your standards and DO NOT let ANY guy treat you like sh*t. If you want a relationship, do not f*ck, blow, or let anyone fondle you who is not seeing you exclusively. You need to command respect by conditioning every person you meet. You don't need to tell someone not to disrespect you, you simply stop taking their calls. I'm sorry you got sucked into a situation with such an *sshole and it probably has a lot to do with being left at the altar. That must have been a huge blow to your self esteem and that's awful. But you can't keep on settling because you're alone. Empower yourself. Remind yourself why you are awesome and don't need ANYONE. THANK YOU so much for this response - I completely appreciate everything you just wrote... it all makes sense and you are so on point. I need to seriously concentrate on me now and let everyone else and everything else come after.... Im just not a selfish person which is why I always put myself last.... well that's going to change 1
Author annanyc Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Thank you all for your input.... I appreciate all of your responses.... You are all correct - this guy is a total @sshole and is so undeserving of my love.... I am just too dam good for him and so mad at myself for allowing this stupid thing to go on for so long..... Just one thing I wanna add.... its not all just a "bj" for him and done... he does do stuff to me as well and gets me off too - but he just wont have actual sex... lol ahhhhhh go figure. Also, out of the past like 8 times we hung out, we only hooked up 3 .... the other times were simply cuddling and watching movies... talk about a nice Mind F*ck...... 1
Targetlock Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 ditch the loser, his loss from the sound of it! get someone who will actually treat you properly and with respect.
stillafool Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I don't think he's gay. I just think he likes blowjobs and is selfish as hell. I can't believe you have been hanging around him for 2 years. Find a real man.
Sweetnothing Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 THANK YOU so much for this response - I completely appreciate everything you just wrote... it all makes sense and you are so on point. I need to seriously concentrate on me now and let everyone else and everything else come after.... Im just not a selfish person which is why I always put myself last.... well that's going to change I'm glad I could help! I've experienced so much bs from guys and I realized that there will always be sh*tty guys but it's up to ME to choose what to do about it. Guys will always SHOW you how they feel. No matter what he says, what excuses he comes up with, you will know when something isn't right. Trust your instincts and value yourself enough to let go when it's not working for you. Take a break from guys. Being single will benefit you in ways you couldn't imagine. You don't have to stay single for a super long time, just until you've realized your life is full with or without a boyfriend. I've been single for a while now and trust me you get used to it. The days you go to bed feeling lonely and depressed become less and less and the next time you meet some loser, you're like "ehh this isn't worth giving up my awesome single life for". Suddenly guys you would have bent over backwards for don't seem that great. You become more discerning, less desperate. You hang back and wait to see if he'll bother to impress you or if he's the type of guy who asks you to "come over and watch a movie" after one date. Your mentality just changes.
Author annanyc Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I know I know I know..... everyone keeps sayin "I cant believe you did this and did that" - I get it. sheesh.... I GET IT - more my fault than anything Thanks everyone.
Author annanyc Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 *** just adding one last thing ***** Its not just ALL about a BJ.... we do hang out a lot and NOTHING happens at all - simple cuddling and movie watching - so its not like I go there suck his d*ck and leave.... regardless.... he's an idiot and im done and very he is VERY SELFISH..... Im an idiot for allowing myself to be taken advantage of..... Lesson learned
Noproblem Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I hope you will find someone who deserve a nice girl like you .... After being left at the alter, you should toughen up ..read books that teach you how to treat guys the proper way ( google them) ... and change everything about you ...From appearance, to personality ... you have to change ...Except your good heart, don't change that ...
SJC2008 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Of course you're in love with him. You got stood up at the altar (guy didn't commit) and now you're "with" a guy who could take you or leave you. Stop chasing EU men who don't want you and date the ones who do! Easier said than done, I know personally but the genders are reversed. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Being left at the altar had to severely screw you up in the self esteem department. If you haven't dealt with emotional closure on that issue, it could explain why you see love where there is none. Internalizing feelings of not being special or wanted enough could explain why you have spent so much time pursuing someone who was emotionally and eventually sexually unobtainable. The more he tried to be casual, the more you attached, assuring yourself that he felt more than he did because if you could obtain the commitment phobe, the payoff would be huge because it would prove at last your worthiness to someone who thought he didn't want you. Most of our pain, we internalize it so it comes out in subconscious ways. Best to move on, he is using you for intimacy, his ego and the occasional oral sex. I imagine he figures if he keeps it oral, he can do as he prefers....he doesn't have to perform. Move on, Grumps
Leigh 87 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 First of all, I am so sorry to hear about you being left at the alter. This is a huge blow to your self esteem, as others have pointed out. I think you need to process what happened to you. If the love of my life left me at the alter, I would be..... beyond shocked. I would NOT date a month or so later:confused: You went through a huge ordeal and you deserve to have a rest and recovery period where you do things just for yourself and allow yourself to seek the help that you need, such as a counsellor or professional who can help you process things.... If you feel mentally stable and as though you are strong enough to recover from this sans help, at least take some time to figure out why you allow yourself to fall for men who can take or leave you. The good news is: this website can be very helpful. It has changed my life, I now avoid the men who show through their actions that they are not 100% into me. I could not have learnt these lessons on my own, I would have thought "oh, that guy who disappeared must have really been into me, but just got "caught up" in something.... he'll be back :)" This website has personally taught me how to demand more respect from men, and to also go after men who SHOW that they are very fond of me through their ACTIONS rather than just their words. I have to say, you are one of the smart ones... You LISTENED to us when we told you " this guy is a jerk, he treats you badly, don't settle for this". Most women tend to turn a blind eye when they are in love. I did with my ex. So just by coming on here and talking things through with us when you are not feeling 100% confident in a situation Just keep a low profile I say, work on yourself and allow yourself A LOT more time to get over what happened to you. Think of ways you can learn to seek out men who value you and truly cherish you and who will treat you well. Reading stories on here is a start, hearing a little about women who make mistakes that you can then learn from. Good luck with things, hope to see you around here more often with some more positive dating experiences once you are more ready to date.
ascendotum Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 What a douchebag... This guy is getting slandered but nothing said by OP indicates that he is deceiving her. The guy likely just thinks he is in a FWB situation and enjoys it for what it is, and does not what things to go any further. thats his prerogative. It would have been good if he sat her down and told her his true thoughts on her, but at the same time the OP could have had a heart to heart convo with him too at some stage. It does not seem like he is playing her, rather the OP is playing herself. I don't know where her gfs were on giving her good advice for last 2 yrs, whereas a few posts from strangers on LS and she has done a total U-turn on this relationship (the smart decision). If this thread was made by a guy hanging around a woman for 2 yrs, going to her place to fix things or bring meals over and give her massages & bit of fooling around but trying to push for more sex with her or hope to convince her to become his gf, the feedback to him would be so different.
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