Therapeutic Evening With Ex

[Kermit76]

Backstory: Dated for two years, she broke up with me out of the blue. Pretty much in no contact for six months. Well not entirely..I texted her once and she was cold to me (3 month mark), she reached out on my bd (5 month mark), and then I congratulated her on getting a job at the 6 month mark. That lead to us texting a little bit the days that followed. Which resulted in:

 

A call from her. She leaves a voicemail with an invitation to invite me to a seminar about how to improve your life (ironic right?)... And wanted to meet for dinner beforehand. I will be honest. I was glad to hear from her. I texted back saying ok. My ex introduces me to the group and says "this is my ex, one of the best people I had in my life, such a caring person". It was so unexpected for this was the girl who I thought wanted nothing to do with me.

 

How did the evening go? It was a 8 hour catch up. We were completely honest with each other and discussed the break-up maturely. It was a weight off my shoulders to be honest. I asked direct questions, and she didn't hold back giving me honest answers:

 

- Do you miss me? ...Yes but there is a difference between missing someone and wanting to get back together with them.

- Did you want to hear from me or was no contact the way to go? I thought you hated me and wasn't going to hear from you again. I was glad you reached out to me, and that made me reach out to you.

- Do you want to try again down the road?

I made the right decision but had regrets. I don't foresee us getting back together but will keep an open mind. Who knows what will happen. But you and I should see other people. But time will tell.

- Why did you break up with me out of the blue?

I was immature.

 

Did these honest answers bother me? Well there was false hope on my end but to be honest we talked into the late hours of the night like old friends. She didn't hold back on anything (maybe to relieve her own guilt), but it was an opportunity some ex's dream about. Getting answers.

 

I woke up today feeing pretty good. Felt like I got some closure. Also, I do see a friendship with my ex down the road. I don't hate her. I do give her credit for calling me and sitting down with me for 4 hours to talk about us. I know she cares for me, and maybe that's enough for me at this moment. We actually made plans to see each other in a month at an event I was debating not going. We both agreed this night brought some of the awkwardness away from that event, for it would have been the very first time we saw each other.

 

You can't have a relationship with someone without communication and I will be moving on, and start dating other people but my ex was always very special to me and will remain that way. I think the feeling is mutual on her end.

 

Hope this gives some of you hope that no contact isn't always the best way to go. Follow your heart. You know your ex better than any of us. If you see a friendship or they mean something to you go for it.

 

Life is short.

Edited March 27, 2014 by Kermit76

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Backstory: Dated for two years, she broke up with me out of the blue. Pretty much in no contact for six months. Well not entirely..I texted her once and she was cold to me (3 month mark), she reached out on my bd (5 month mark), and then I congratulated her on getting a job at the 6 month mark. That lead to us texting a little bit the days that followed. Which resulted in:

 

A call from her. She leaves a voicemail with an invitation to invite me to a seminar about how to improve your life (ironic right?)... And wanted to meet for dinner beforehand. I will be honest. I was glad to hear from her. I texted back saying ok. My ex introduces me to the group and says "this is my ex, one of the best people I had in my life, such a caring person". It was so unexpected for this was the girl who I thought wanted nothing to do with me.

 

How did the evening go? It was a 8 hour catch up. We were completely honest with each other and discussed the break-up maturely. It was a weight off my shoulders to be honest. I asked direct questions, and she didn't hold back giving me honest answers:

 

- Do you miss me? ...Yes but there is a difference between missing someone and wanting to get back together with them.

- Did you want to hear from me or was no contact the way to go? I thought you hated me and wasn't going to hear from you again. I was glad you reached out to me, and that made me reach out to you.

- Do you want to try again down the road?

I made the right decision but had regrets. I don't foresee us getting back together but will keep an open mind. Who knows what will happen. But you and I should see other people. But time will tell.

- Why did you break up with me out of the blue?

I was immature.

 

Did these honest answers bother me? Well there was false hope on my end but to be honest we talked into the late hours of the night like old friends. She didn't hold back on anything (maybe to relieve her own guilt), but it was an opportunity some ex's dream about. Getting answers.

 

I woke up today feeing pretty good. Felt like I got some closure. Also, I do see a friendship with my ex down the road. I don't hate her. I do give her credit for calling me and sitting down with me for 4 hours to talk about us. I know she cares for me, and maybe that's enough for me at this moment. We actually made plans to see each other in a month at an event I was debating not going. We both agreed this night brought some of the awkwardness away from that event, for it would have been the very first time we saw each other.

 

You can't have a relationship with someone without communication and I will be moving on, and start dating other people but my ex was always very special to me and will remain that way. I think the feeling is mutual on her end.

 

Hope this gives some of you hope that no contact isn't always the best way to go. Follow your heart. You know your ex better than any of us. If you see a friendship or they mean something to you go for it.

 

Life is short.

 

Just a couple weeks ago, you were stressing about seeing her at an event and how you were still not over it. Then had some issues this same month about her talking about someone else. Are you cool with hearing about who she is dating? Sex life? Her getting married down the road?

 

I don't think you're ready to be friends. You know what you still want and masking it around as a friendship sounds like you want it as a door opening . I hope what you're saying is actually true.

[Kermit76]

True about stressing out about event.

 

I don't recall anything about her talking about someone.

 

At the current time she isn't seeing anyone. She told me last night she

is focusing on herself and hasn't even kissed someone else in 6 months.

I brought up me dating and she didn't want to hear about it.

 

But yes there will be a time where she does start seeing someone. I have

to accept that. My ex does know there are feeling still on my end and she didn't

run away in a flash.

 

When I say friends I don't mean were going to be texting and talking everyday. The event is in a month so will see where I'm at when I see her then.

 

I will be ready to be friends in time. Woke up today feeling good we talked in person all night and its clearly in my mind that I'm accepting that this isn't going to go further and its time for me to move on. My ex was very clear with me. It really hit home.

Edited March 27, 2014 by Kermit76

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

True about stressing out about event.

 

I don't recall anything about her talking about someone.

 

At the current time she isn't seeing anyone. She told me last night she

is focusing on herself and hasn't even kissed someone else in 6 months.

I brought up me dating and she didn't want to hear about it.

 

But yes there will be a time where she does start seeing someone. I have

to accept that. My ex does know there are feeling still on my end and she didn't

run away in a flash.

 

When I say friends I don't mean were going to be texting and talking everyday. The event is in a month so will see where I'm at when I see her then.

 

I will be ready to be friends in time. Woke up today feeling good we talked in person all night and its clearly in my mind that I'm accepting that this isn't going to go further and its time for me to move on. My ex was very clear with me. It really hit home.

 

For your sake, lets hope thats true. If it were betting odds, I'd go with the house.

[Kermit76]

Confused,

 

What could I do?

 

I heard the words from her "explore other options, date other people".

 

I have no choice. I can't waste anymore energy on this.

 

Its not unheard of that two ex's became friends right?

[Simon Phoenix]

Meh, no contact is definitely the way to go. You are in the middle of contact-highville right now. I wouldn't be surprised if this talk seems different in your mind in a couple weeks.

[Kermit76]

Watcha you mean Simon?

 

About talk seems different in the weeks to come.

 

You could be right. Time will tell.

[Simon Phoenix]

Confused,

 

What could I do?

 

I heard the words from her "explore other options, date other people".

 

I have no choice. I can't waste anymore energy on this.

 

Its not unheard of that two ex's became friends right?

 

Close friends? Yes, it's pretty rare. Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes is the only example I can think of. Friendly? Sure. I think it's possible to have exes as the type of friends you catch up with once every blue moon, but close, "best buds" for life seems tough. Maybe after several years, but even then, what's the point?

[Kermit76]

Good point Simon.

 

She did touch on this.

 

She said something of the fact that we would be friends that kept in touch but she really didn't know at this moment. She seemed a bit confused herself in what she wanted, but when I said I will see you in a month she said maybe sooner.

[Simon Phoenix]

Watcha you mean Simon?

 

About talk seems different in the weeks to come.

 

You could be right. Time will tell.

 

I mean you are feeling a rush from talking to this person. She's a drug and you got your high. However, the low that comes from it can often be worse than the low you felt before.

 

And as far as No Contact, without No Contact, you would have been an emotive, clingy, desperate mess. So I wouldn't poo-pooh No Contact like you did in your OP. Without No Contact that meeting you would have had would have been a complete disaster.

[Simon Phoenix]

Good point Simon.

 

She did touch on this.

 

She said something of the fact that we would be friends that kept in touch but she really didn't know at this moment. She seemed a bit confused herself in what she wanted, but when I said I will see you in a month she said maybe sooner.

 

Yeah, there's no way in hell you should meet her sooner.

[Kermit76]

I did make a pact with myself today to never bring up getting back together

again in her presence again. If she wants to, then we can discuss it.

 

But I feel I'm growing and maturing and there is no reason to force this anymore.

 

I tested the waters last night, didn't get what I wanted to hear, and that's ok with me.

 

it's not a guessing game anymore. Game over.

 

Signing off from LS for awhile. Thanks to everyone for their advice.

Edited March 27, 2014 by Kermit76

[Trovador]

Hope this gives some of you hope that no contact isn't always the best way to go. Follow your heart. You know your ex better than any of us. If you see a friendship or they mean something to you go for it.

I think you are being irresponsible stating the former... it seems you used NC as a trick to get back with your ex and, as was expected, it failed... it had...Of course an ex means a lot to all us dumpees, but far of "going for it" (whatever that means) and as a matter of fact, because we cared for them, we go the other way, that is NC, to protect ourselves and going away from the proverbial clown who always beats us to death...

 

At the end of the day it didn't go well for you, you just confirmed what you suspected and as I see it, she arguably used you so she could close this chapter on her life... what it takes me to this: is this what a recently broken up person really wants? Because this is what you are suggesting as an alternative to NC...

 

I don't hold any grudge against you and actually I wish you all the luck in the world, it was just that statement that got the better of me...

[BC1980]

I did make a pact with myself today to never bring up getting back together

again in her presence again. If she wants to, then we can discuss it.

 

Do you realize how pathetic this sounds? It's posts like these that remind me why I stay NC.

[pickflicker]

Do you realize how pathetic this sounds? It's posts like these that remind me why I stay NC.

 

I have to agree.

[Strength in Healing]

Psychologically, instead of giving you a long, drawn-out explanation, just trust me that you aren't ready to be friends, this is a mistake, and NC is the way to go.

 

 

You aren't fooling us, but perhaps you're fooling yourself with some of this nonsense you are posting. Wise up or your wound will gape.

[guest572]

I think Simon is right about the temporary "high" you are feeling simply by contacting her. I felt sooo happy and peaceful after long drawn out post breakup talks. At the end of the day none of it helped (although i thought it was helpful at the time) in the scheme of things, plenty of people in the world to be friends with..

[RDawg]

I also felt warm and fuzzy after the post mortem talks. It's been 6 months post break up and 5 months NC for me and I still want to talk to my ex about what happened. But what's the point? I doubt it will change anything. It's a fantasy. One that I'd like to pursue, but then I think about how horrible she was in the end and I don't really want to go back for more of that.

 

Kermit, please don't abandon us! Tell us how it goes when you see her again in a months time.

 

Touch that stove brother, for all of us who would love to but are too scared to do so!

[David87]

I did make a pact with myself today to never bring up getting back together

again in her presence again. If she wants to, then we can discuss it.

 

But I feel I'm growing and maturing and there is no reason to force this anymore.

 

I tested the waters last night, didn't get what I wanted to hear, and that's ok with me.

 

it's not a guessing game anymore. Game over.

 

Signing off from LS for awhile. Thanks to everyone for their advice.

 

 

Why don't you sign off from your ex girlfriend instead of signing off from LS?

Edited March 28, 2014 by David87

[Kermit76]

I will update in a month.

 

No expectations from my end when I see her at the event.

 

Never really accepted a friendship with her. It was more of an agreement

that we would communicate with each other and stay in each others lives.

 

Sorry some people don't support how all this went down but everyone deals with a break up differently. You guys might think I'm bluffing, but I honestly can say I am moving on.

 

Why don't I sign off from my ex instead of LS. Because I do care about her. I'm sure one day it might come to that point, but as of right now it is what it is.

[BC1980]

Never really accepted a friendship with her. It was more of an agreement that we would communicate with each other and stay in each others lives

 

I never heard of a relationship of any sorts termed as an "agreement." She thinks you are okay with being friends. You are basically staying around on the off chance that she changes her mind.

[BC1980]

I also felt warm and fuzzy after the post mortem talks. It's been 6 months post break up and 5 months NC for me and I still want to talk to my ex about what happened. But what's the point? I doubt it will change anything. It's a fantasy. One that I'd like to pursue, but then I think about how horrible she was in the end and I don't really want to go back for more of that.

 

I used to get that warm, fuzzy feeling too. Then, I would feel like sh*t a few days later. All of the anger and sadness would return full force. I would so much rather keep my dignity and not even allow my ex to know what I am thinking.

[Kermit76]

It's pointless to argue against how I really feel because I think everyone assumes I am just sticking around hoping she will change her mind. So whatever I say won't make a difference.

 

I was a little down yesterday I will admit but today am excited for the possiblites in my future. Plan on hitting online dating soon and yes moving on.

 

Like I said there is no point fighting this anymore.

 

But actions speak louder than words so I will update you guys with my honestly. I have nothing to hide.

 

She thinks you are okay with being friends..

 

To answer this I worded this the wrong way. I did call us potential friends down the road. She said were not friends, and didn't want to put a label on us. So, were not friends but both still sorting our feeling from the break up but looking into the future and not the past. So, there is a big question mark. BUT like I said I am moving forward, life is too short, and I plan to date other people.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Kermit76

[Trovador]

I think it's best to think of a big final period than of a big question mark... you said it better, no expectations from your end...

 

Good luck, friend, feel free to post here whenever you want, we are going to listen to you, that we can promise you...

[oracle]

Listen....

 

The answers to questions really don't do much to help solve anything in the grand scheme.

 

Living with my ex for 3,5 yrs during the divorce we had countless talks till the wee hours of the morning.

 

At the end of the day... attachment is attachment. Its a chemical reaction in the head, and only time and distance and unfamiliarity will help loosen that grip. Sometimes in life you can't kick that attachment, and you just learn to live with it like an addiction.