ogcoolguy1 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I am in a pivotal moment in my relationship and I don't know if I am overreacting or under-reacting... My girlfriend, probably soon to be ex depending on advice from here, of 18 months had recently told me that she was getting facebook messages from a married mutual acquaintance of ours, making advances at her.... He had made advances at her previously and she knew he was interested in her... She seemed very disgusted and appalled that he would do such a thing, and I just dismissed it. She had also mentioned a few other men sending her fb messages propositioning her. I thought nothing of it. She's a very pretty woman, its expected. However, one day a friend who isn't very close was mentioning to me how my girlfriend (who he thought was my ex girlfriend) had sent our married acquaintance facebook messages, I was puzzled and said that she didn't seem like the type of woman who would do something like that. I didn't probe more but I was furious. I decided to take a week to think about it before confronting her about that. Fast forward to a week after I cooled down, I asked her if there was any truth to that and she said absolutely not and that I could check her facebook if I wanted. I believed her and didn't check her facebook because it seemed very insecure of me to do so. Later that night my insecurities got the best of me and I asked to see her phone. When I did I saw that she had messaged the married acquaintance and they had messages going back and forth, nothing too flirty from her end but he obviously wanted something more than a platonic friendship. I also saw messages to and from other men. She apologized for lying and said she did so because she was afraid of my reaction and she knew I would be very upset. She went on to say that she messaged him to get validation because we were on a break at that time. I was VERY upset. But accepted her apology and wanted to move forward. Fast forward to a couple days later I ask her about the other messages I saw which she denied. I told her I saw them and I wanted her to come clean about the type of relationships she has with those guys. She said I was crazy and I was making stuff up, swore up and down that there were no other messages, she gave me her facebook password, I went on there and the messages were gone. Even the messages from the guy previously mentioned. I was heartbroken, again. I told her to please be honest and just tell me why she deleted the messages she got really defensive and threatened to break up with me because I was making her feel guilty for something I didnt do. I finally told her the names of the messages I saw and she came clean about one of the messages.. Then I asked about the other and she was very sketchy about the details and after lying about it several times she came clean. Her facebook message history looks like a lot of messages were deleted. There are no messages for the whole month of December, none during valentines day, while all the other months have several messages. I don't know what to do. I doubt she would ever cheat on me but the messages she sent men say things like "when are you taking me out" or "if you win the lottery I'd marry you" they seem playful but it kills me to think that my girlfriend is the type of woman who seeks validation from other men. She promises to never lie again, she says she was afraid to lose me and that is why she lied. Am I overreacting? Is this type of behavior okay? I don't think I can fully trust her anytime soon. Help
ThorntonMelon Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 You're not overreacting. Don't base advice on here as to whether you should break up or not. Honestly, I'd go to couples counseling with her right away and put your concerns on the table. If she won't go, you have your answer.
Chi townD Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Sounds like she's an attention hound and is keeping her options open. She offered up for you to look through her things and she didn't think that you would do that to her. It probably shocked the sh*t out of her that you did. Therefore, she's deleting EVERYTHING now. Covering her tracks. She got desperate and threatened to break up with you because of the "mistrust" you have of her. But, the thing is, you have every reason NOT to trust her. She's doing things behind your back. The fact that she feels she needs validation from other men, what does that say for your own relationship? I mean, can you honestly say that she's 100% on board with you or the relationship? If the shoe was on the other foot and she caught you texting flirty messages with several different women, would she be so understanding? I seriously doubt it.
lolablue17 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 No. you are not overreacting. maybe more like even underreacting. 1. You got the truth (hoping there isn't more to find out) only after making some pressure. Without your stubbornness You wouldn't know nothing. its ridiculous to criticize you for trying to find out the truth. 2. Her trickle truth is a big red flag. The "i was afraid you would be mad" excuse can hold her not telling you anything in the first place. And lets give her another discount also hold the first lie. But there isn't any logical excuse for her to continue lying to you again and again and again and again... A question - All those texts with the 3 men - all happened through the time you were on a break? who initiate the break? how long did it take?
disclosure Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 You aren't overreacting at all. From an outside perspective, definitely a red flag. Any instance where the SO feels the need to hide something from you is bad news. She may not have cheated on you physically yet...but to me it sounds like if that continued on she eventually would have. If they were just messages while you were on a break, depending on your agreement during the break, then maybe the situation would be a little different. But considering you said there have been messages from every month save December and February...you need to get out of this relationship, imo. But some people may have a different opinion. I for one take any form of cheating pretty seriously, especially if it is ongoing and she is lying about it.
lolablue17 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 another thing From my experience, girls who need validation from other men while being taken, will always continue seeking male attention. and it can get worse when you R transform into a long term one. then her needs for validation will increase.
Author ogcoolguy1 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 . A question - All those texts with the 3 men - all happened through the time you were on a break? who initiate the break? how long did it take? Thank you all for replying... The messages with the one of the three was during our break, the other two were during the break more heavily but throughout our relationship. I initiated the break and it was about a month long. I am very very conflicted. I don't even know what to tell her, I am certain there were other messages that I did not get to see that she would never admit to and its driving me crazy. This hurts.
disclosure Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Thank you all for replying... The messages with the one of the three was during our break, the other two were during the break more heavily but throughout our relationship. I initiated the break and it was about a month long. I am very very conflicted. I don't even know what to tell her, I am certain there were other messages that I did not get to see that she would never admit to and its driving me crazy. This hurts. Sorry man, **** definitely sucks. But the fact there were other messages that she deleted tells you something. And even asking her about them, you can no longer know if she is telling the truth (which is unlikely) considering she has already lied to you about it to begin with. What was the reason for the break if you don't mind me asking?
Author ogcoolguy1 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 The previous break was due to me being conflicted about dating a woman with a child. I was unsure of going into this but decided to give it a go because she seemed like the woman for me. We had many issues and I felt that the issues me and her had were not the best to have in a relationship where a child is involved. So I ended it. We spoke on and off through the break and fought a lot but decided to give it another go. So now 18 months into the relationship all this comes to light.
lolablue17 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Thank you all for replying... The messages with the one of the three was during our break, the other two were during the break more heavily but throughout our relationship. I initiated the break and it was about a month long. The previous break was due to me being conflicted about dating a woman with a child. I was unsure of going into this but decided to give it a go because she seemed like the woman for me. We had many issues and I felt that the issues me and her had were not the best to have in a relationship where a child is involved. So I ended it. We spoke on and off through the break and fought a lot but decided to give it another go. So now 18 months into the relationship all this comes to light. I realy cant advise you what to do. it's not a clear case. All the messages started during the break YOU INITIATED. The break certainly made her insecure about you, so the need for validation seems more logical now. I think if you love her and you think it can work between you two, tell her that the most important thing for you is trust. And after all these lies she needs to work hard to gain your trust again. tell her that from now on there's only truth in your R. you can not tolerate anything but honesty and another lie in the future, however insignificant it would be, will terminate your R. and if she needs validation, she better seek it around you because this validation thing can damage your R.
Author ogcoolguy1 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 I realy cant advise you what to do. it's not a clear case. All the messages started during the break YOU INITIATED. The break certainly made her insecure about you, so the need for validation seems more logical now. I think if you love her and you think it can work between you two, tell her that the most important thing for you is trust. And after all these lies she needs to work hard to gain your trust again. tell her that from now on there's only truth in your R. you can not tolerate anything but honesty and another lie in the future, however insignificant it would be, will terminate your R. and if she needs validation, she better seek it around you because this validation thing can damage your R. This is what I was leaning towards but I HATE this insecure feeling. This feeling of wanting to know all her passwords and go through all her messages. I can't go on like this, it will drive me crazy. I don't want to end up several years into this and realize that she kept on with this behavior, it would kill me...
lolablue17 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) This is what I was leaning towards but I HATE this insecure feeling. This feeling of wanting to know all her passwords and go through all her messages. I can't go on like this, it will drive me crazy. I don't want to end up several years into this and realize that she kept on with this behavior, it would kill me... Life is insecure You know, all relationships contain obstacles and crises. many of them are about trust issues. not every crisis is a cause for separation. You will never get your 100% guaranty and not even close to it. I have friends that anybody would swear they cant cheat. But yet they did. cheating can happen in the future for other reasons, or with any girl you will be with or married to. it's always gambling. always. You put your bet and hope for good, while considering estimations based on the facts you know. and in your case - Is she 100% innocent? NO Is she a potential certain sure cheater? Not realy. (till now) When there is no clear case, I always do what my heart tells me. I advise you to do the same. stop analyzing it. do what what you feels like just now. Edited March 27, 2014 by lolablue17
Author ogcoolguy1 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 She's apologized many many times today. Promised me this would never happen ever again. Told me how much I mean to her and that lying was a huge mistake. I'm almost sure she deleted more messages but I'm not 100% sure because they were gone after she have me her password. I want to take her back. I want to believe her. My dilemma now. Should I just take her word for it and take her back with a clean slate.... Or Ask her if she's willing to restore her phone to recover deleted texts and to download her Facebook file so that I can see her deleted messages? If she agrees I probably won't do it because I would know she was being truthful... If she says no, I'll know she's still lying. And if she admits lying again, then what should I do? Should I leave her after that? I'm confused right now. So conflicted and heartbroken. I wish this were black and white and there was a clear answer
bluegreen Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 My friend problem is not F B her phone married guy or one you still don't know. She can have another dozen set of e mails F B profiles and such hell even one phone she keeps at work. Problem is her !!!! Her character flaw thats its just about to show up if it did not by now You can't control stop or even trust her now you may want to but you can't. Do yourself a favor and DUMP HER before you discover that she cheated with O M G he is so ewww or some worse scum she hides things she looks you in eyes and lies. Really what other advice you want ?
lioness84 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 She's apologized many many times today. Promised me this would never happen ever again. Told me how much I mean to her and that lying was a huge mistake. I'm almost sure she deleted more messages but I'm not 100% sure because they were gone after she have me her password. I want to take her back. I want to believe her. My dilemma now. Should I just take her word for it and take her back with a clean slate.... Or Ask her if she's willing to restore her phone to recover deleted texts and to download her Facebook file so that I can see her deleted messages? If she agrees I probably won't do it because I would know she was being truthful... If she says no, I'll know she's still lying. And if she admits lying again, then what should I do? Should I leave her after that? I'm confused right now. So conflicted and heartbroken. I wish this were black and white and there was a clear answer Its really up to you and if you can trust that she won't pull that kind of thing again. I understand you wanna forgive her because you love her and I believe she's sorry because she's scared to lose you. Will you be comfortable with her on facebook and believe she won't msg those guys again? If so, go for it. If not that's where you need to think about it some more. Sorry this happened to you!
Zimber Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 My dilemma now. Should I just take her word for it and take her back with a clean slate.... Seems like a good idea ... NOT. Why would you take the word of a liar? It's actually kind of funny if you read these few lines a couple times. She said I was crazy and I was making stuff up, swore up and down that there were no other messages This was the line from your original post that bothers me the most. Dude, she's a gaslighter. NEXT! The only thing she's learned here is how to be more careful / sneaky someday. This woman will hurt you again, likely far worse. Get out while you're a mess anyway. Next time, you won't likely have the privilege of choice. Z
Trovador Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Wow, man, you are too noble... What are you waiting for? Seeing her going out of a motel? She had all the intention of being unfaithful (and an adulteress) God knows since when, that should be -is- sufficient to break up with her... or do you think just because she hasn't done the deed she is not guilty? This is not a case of reasonable doubt, if you don't mind my stupid legalese, there are witnesses, there are evidence and even a confession... Now, if you want to forgive her, that is a whole different matter... 1
bluegreen Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Somehow I feel he did not heard us and in few days or weeks we will see him here
lolablue17 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I want to take her back. I want to believe her. My dilemma now. Should I just take her word for it and take her back with a clean slate.... Or Ask her if she's willing to restore her phone to recover deleted texts and to download her Facebook file so that I can see her deleted messages? If she agrees I probably won't do it because I would know she was being truthful... ( Well, if you want to belive her, do belive her. this incident is finished. dont try to dig more and more. unless you suspect she slep with someone, but if its only other guys and other messages, it doesnt matter its the same. You have no guaranty for the future and you should be alert. thats the price of taking her back, is that you have to be alert. (but its true for every R you will have)
guest572 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Hr behaviour is not cool... I would be so very careful, if you give her a second chance.
KaliLove Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Don't forget, not only was she talking to these other guys, but she lied to you about it repeatedly and deleted the messages so you couldn't read them..not to mention the fact that one (or more) of the men she was talking to is MARRIED. If she can cheat with a married man, what's to stop her from cheating when she's married? I agree with everyone else..she's gaslighting you. I think you need to throw in the towel on this one.
disclosure Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Think about the fact that she deleted those messages. She was hiding something that could have been even worse than what you had already read. Are you cool with that? Can you continue on in a relationship knowing that your girlfriend not only lied to you, but was successfully able to hide whatever it is that she lied to you about? You will never have closure on this. For me, I would never be able to truly let go of that thought. If you can and you truly believe her then go ahead and forgive her, but I'm with the majority that this just teaches her to be sneakier in the future rather than to not do it at all. I mean the messages alone would probably be enough to send me packing considering they were over the duration of the relationship, but the lying/hiding? I would be gone for sure.
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 we did what we could he could not say I don't get it I don't see it unless he chooses to do just that.
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