chrisftw Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 background on this woman can be found in my previous post. but i figured i'd come back here for more perspective. this community has always been really helpful to supplement my intuition. so this girl and I decided that we would try for something. and at first after she broke things off with her guy. we were moving at light speed. We talked all night. and saw each other at least twice a week. that turned into 3 and then 4 times a week. but we understood that we were moving a little quickly and she didn't exactly want to jump right into a relationship again. which i totally agreed she shouldn't do. well in order to understand and put whatever we have in perspective i told her that we should probably go two months with no sex and just enjoy each other's company to see if what we have is pure. and not just rebound territory. and while she initially thought i was making excuses to have sex with other woman i made her see my point of view on it and she was on board. but now conversations while they still happen are faint and when i say faint she won't txt me until later at night or i won't text her until late at night and then we'll speak for about 5 minutes and call it a night. we see each other but now its once a week. then again that's how we started this whole thing. once a week now i will say that i don't have any bad vibes and actually when we meet its more exciting and we have more things to say probably because we're not always txt'ing and talking on the phone constantly. i'm curious though is the new fading and the relationship dynamic is changing to what it will be normally i'm confused because i'm a bit rusty at the LTR game. i mean i stay busy so i don't always have time for her and she does the same but we still make time its just that unlike before we don't go out of our way anymore to make time. we just make time where its convenient for us both.
hasaquestion Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 that we should probably go two months with no sex and just enjoy each other's company to see if what we have is pure. and not just rebound territory. and while she initially thought i was making excuses to have sex with other woman i made her see my point of view on it and she was on board. This is a huge turnoff and I wouldn't be surprised if it has a lot to do with the fade. If you don't feel like you are ready to have sex, then don't stick your dick in her. That's all you need to do. Don't talk about it. Its not actually about the sex itself. Its about the presence of sexual tension that creates romance. You killed it off. 1
Author chrisftw Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 This is a huge turnoff and I wouldn't be surprised if it has a lot to do with the fade. If you don't feel like you are ready to have sex, then don't stick your dick in her. That's all you need to do. Don't talk about it. Its not actually about the sex itself. Its about the presence of sexual tension that creates romance. You killed it off. i think you're right because it was from that moment that she tapered off her desire. i think its there. but now that a pseudo time line has been placed she seems to give me attention and its good attention not just attention for attentions sake but she's more reserved and muted. and the sexual tension seems to have dissipated. i won't try to backpedal my error i don't believe it was a huge error. but any suggestions on how i can rekindle or should i just ask her about it? because i don't think her interest is waining i just miss her closeness. i'm a confusing person she was really gunning for something always expressing to me her desire to want me all the time. last night she admitted she missed our talks. and i admitted to her i miss her face in a cute/funny way. she's like WOW this whole time we've known each other that's only the 2nd time you admitted that to me. maybe i need to be more open about my emotions?
hasaquestion Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 i think you're right because it was from that moment that she tapered off her desire. i think its there. but now that a pseudo time line has been placed she seems to give me attention and its good attention not just attention for attentions sake but she's more reserved and muted. and the sexual tension seems to have dissipated. i won't try to backpedal my error i don't believe it was a huge error. but any suggestions on how i can rekindle or should i just ask her about it? because i don't think her interest is waining i just miss her closeness. i'm a confusing person she was really gunning for something always expressing to me her desire to want me all the time. last night she admitted she missed our talks. and i admitted to her i miss her face in a cute/funny way. she's like WOW this whole time we've known each other that's only the 2nd time you admitted that to me. maybe i need to be more open about my emotions? Well the best thing you can do at this point is recognize that is was a huge error and learn from it. I don't think you can fix it with this girl. But you can get it right next time. As for the last part. Women are emotional creatures, they want you to make them feel good. You don't have to be a dork but a little flattery never hurt anyone.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 This reminds me of when I split up with my ex of four years, we had just moved in together, but we had problems. We both kinda wanted to try again (I'm glad that we didn't, ultimately) but we had different ideas of how to do it. I wanted us to go back to just acting like a normal couple together, kissing, sex, sleeping together etc. and see how it felt. He, on the other hand, wanted us to just act as friends with no sexual activity or kissing for a month or so, to find out if we still had that bond deep down beneath he sexual stuff. It was slightly mutual but primarily I was the one that left him and then in the aftermath he was the one that desperately wanted to try again while I was on the fence. Anyway, that period of acting like just friends really killed it all off totally for me. We BECAME just friends. It was too hard for me to get the attraction back after that, and there was still bucketloads of that right up until and during the split. Sounds like you just inadvertently friendzoned yourself. You killed the budding attraction. If you didn't want to have sex, you could have just kept on with the kissing, snuggling, maybe foreplay now and then if you were comfortable with that but kept that sexual anticipation there, and just pulled back when you had gone too far. That would have increased her desire, but what you guys agreed to do just shot it dead. I think this one is dead in the water, but learn for next time!
Author chrisftw Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 This reminds me of when I split up with my ex of four years, we had just moved in together, but we had problems. We both kinda wanted to try again (I'm glad that we didn't, ultimately) but we had different ideas of how to do it. I wanted us to go back to just acting like a normal couple together, kissing, sex, sleeping together etc. and see how it felt. He, on the other hand, wanted us to just act as friends with no sexual activity or kissing for a month or so, to find out if we still had that bond deep down beneath he sexual stuff. It was slightly mutual but primarily I was the one that left him and then in the aftermath he was the one that desperately wanted to try again while I was on the fence. Anyway, that period of acting like just friends really killed it all off totally for me. We BECAME just friends. It was too hard for me to get the attraction back after that, and there was still bucketloads of that right up until and during the split. Sounds like you just inadvertently friendzoned yourself. You killed the budding attraction. If you didn't want to have sex, you could have just kept on with the kissing, snuggling, maybe foreplay now and then if you were comfortable with that but kept that sexual anticipation there, and just pulled back when you had gone too far. That would have increased her desire, but what you guys agreed to do just shot it dead. I think this one is dead in the water, but learn for next time! let me add that we do all the above mentioned things still except sex. one time she just wanted to get naked and lay in the bed with me. because she liked cuddling naked. and she expressed to me with somewhat forced words. that she really really liked me. now while the tension has dissipated its not all gone. we just don't talk as much or see each other as much. I dunno perhaps i will mention something the next time we're together. which could be later today or sunday. also let me preface that i'm recovering from an addiction and it effects me uh physically. its more of a mental addiction and i really only need about 30 days. the point i even brought it up with her was because I couldn't perform the first time we tried to bang. i got her off to save the day with oral but it was the next weekend when she was feeling it rolling around on the bed when we got back from the bar that i sorta had to cool her jets a little because i didn't want to have another 'episode' so there was a little bit more to the story then i let on. but i feel with all the facts in place perhaps i could get a better direction.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 also let me preface that i'm recovering from an addiction and it effects me uh physically. its more of a mental addiction and i really only need about 30 days. the point i even brought it up with her was because I couldn't perform the first time we tried to bang. i got her off to save the day with oral but it was the next weekend when she was feeling it rolling around on the bed when we got back from the bar that i sorta had to cool her jets a little because i didn't want to have another 'episode' so there was a little bit more to the story then i let on. but i feel with all the facts in place perhaps i could get a better direction. Ah I see... well I mean if you're still getting naked and rolling around and doing 'stuff' I don't see why the lack of penis in vagina sex would change much. What's this mental addiction you're talking about? Are you into porn too much to perform with a real woman or something totally different? Just curious. A girl that likes you enough won't care if you can't 'perform'. It happens to most guys at some point or another. It's certainly happened to me with several sexual partners. As long as you're both having fun and both enjoying what you're doing that's the main thing. Some guys it's because they've had too much to drink, others were feeling the pressure that we 'had' to do it (like if we were only going to see each other that night and then not again for a while), others just because their penis isn't a mechanical instrument and sometimes you're just not feeling it. Sometimes girls don't get wet. The human body does what it likes! I've had relationships where the sex is off the charts and you're shagging like bunnies every available minute, and relationships where it's less frequent (maybe once or twice a week) but there's so much intimate affection and love that you both get such a kick out of snuggling and kissing you don't really feel anything's missing. The dynamics are different with everybody.
Author chrisftw Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Ah I see... well I mean if you're still getting naked and rolling around and doing 'stuff' I don't see why the lack of penis in vagina sex would change much. What's this mental addiction you're talking about? Are you into porn too much to perform with a real woman or something totally different? Just curious. A girl that likes you enough won't care if you can't 'perform'. It happens to most guys at some point or another. It's certainly happened to me with several sexual partners. As long as you're both having fun and both enjoying what you're doing that's the main thing. Some guys it's because they've had too much to drink, others were feeling the pressure that we 'had' to do it (like if we were only going to see each other that night and then not again for a while), others just because their penis isn't a mechanical instrument and sometimes you're just not feeling it. Sometimes girls don't get wet. The human body does what it likes! I've had relationships where the sex is off the charts and you're shagging like bunnies every available minute, and relationships where it's less frequent (maybe once or twice a week) but there's so much intimate affection and love that you both get such a kick out of snuggling and kissing you don't really feel anything's missing. The dynamics are different with everybody. you pretty much hit it on the head. in my downtimes i tend to look at porn to sort of pass the time. this last downtime lasted longer than most. and I pretty much can't get off even with regular masturbation without porn on the screen. which means on sensation alone even from myself and not having some gritty hardcore sex on the screen its not even possible to achieve orgasm for me. there's only one way to fix that problem and that's with time. but this problem isn't like some guy with first time jitters or he's to tired or something. its an actual mental issue. and i need time to reprogram things which is why i opted to explain to her in as little detail as i could to make her understand. this happened a couple of girlfriends back. it took about 30 days for me to break clean and have proper sex. but it could take longer. i'm older now so who knows. i've been trying to be more proactive. it seems now the lack of sexual tension has opened up another caveat in our relationship. and that's the fact that she does about 90% of the conversation initiations. be it calling or text. I hardly if EVER call her. i dunno given how we even ended up where we are. you would understand why. its in my previous post. so i tried that today and it really warmed her up. i could tell there was a huge change in her perspective. she was even blown away that i called her on lunch. her own words were "wow... this is REALLY unexpected. you have never called me on lunch EVER" kind of laughed it off and had a pretty good short convo with her. but its as you say... had i continued as i did with my LAST gf before this one. I don't think anything would have skipped a beat. she would have been frustrated i'm not making a move. But eventually i would make it. with this girl. I just don't have the energy or desire to mask a problem with lies or excuses or awkwardness. so i took the lesser of the evils and just told her what i needed to say. not because i like her least. but i just wanted to be more open and honest. Which i explained. that's pretty much the whole story. IMO i think i can rekindle the passion. But i wanted some random opinions on the matter.
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