Author johnnyapples Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 This just happens to be an MP3 mix that she wanted to keep. She mentioned that we had blank CD's that we just bought to make audio CD's out of them and that she wanted to know if I wanted those blank CD's. We bought them the last weekend we were together. ARGH!! The conversation was a bit awkward and I was definitely the reason for it. My answers were short and detached in the beginning -- but I fell into part of the old routine. I spoke to her and asked her how she was doing and wanted to know how she was feeling, etc. She made sure to mention that she is okay with her decision but that she is sad that we cannot be friends. She thought I was mad at her and she is disappointed and frustrated that we might not be able to "go back to normal". "Go back to normal"??? I thought the whole bf/gf thing was the norm ... not just the friendly conversations. This blows!!!!! If that was the norm, why let the relationship escalate from friendship to a passionate love, long talks and outpouring of feelings, etc. You know what I mean? Despite the whole confusion factor, its so freakin' selffish. I still care about her, but I am a bit angry.
joseyposie Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I would move on she has told u to your face she loves you "means i care about your feelings" but i am not in love with u means " she is not in love with you. so why try to be an as* hole and kiss her as* when someone doesn't love you. please read He is just not that in to you. it answers alot for males and females alike.
Author johnnyapples Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by joseyposie I would move on she has told u to your face she loves you "means i care about your feelings" but i am not in love with u means " she is not in love with you. so why try to be an as* hole and kiss her as* when someone doesn't love you. please read He is just not that in to you. it answers alot for males and females alike. I think you are right -- but its never easy. I still miss talking to her as does she. The whole NC thing dind't work for long. After a day and a half, we spoke again for an hour and another half and hour later that day. even though both of us consciously tried not to rehash the breakup, it was evident in the awkwardness. She says that she feels like she is in mourning and fears that we will not have the same friendship back. Although it is painful and selffish for her to want the same feeling after breaking my heart -- I can't help but wanting to be there for her. I am trying to stay tough -- but being tough and not talking to her will only hurt her. Eventually, I think both of us want to be with each other because of our shared interests and our comfort with each other. However, I think the love factor (or the love lost factor) is the confusing part. Where do I draw the line? Do I stay on my path of "all or nothing"? Do I go back to the friendship mode (a sort of humiliating demotion) to keep what is still pleasing and sacred to me? It's a hard dilemna that I am trying to figure out. I'll look into that book -- what would the book say about this scenario?
davecity Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 stop talking to her. seriously, you need to do NC. not to sound harsh or anything but you are failing miserably. you can't let her rely on you anymore. especially if you hope to get back with her eventually. dave
Author johnnyapples Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 Hey Dave... Do you think its even possible to get back with her? I really want to think its possible. But I'm starting to feel its never going to happen, and that she's made up her mind. I can probably stop taking the phone calls and stuff ... but its just way too natural for us to talk several times a day and text each other. Its cooled down considerably where it may only be a few a day -- but it used to be like every hour and at night... it can go on for an hour and then we'll talk for 3 to 4 hours afterwards. Any suggestions on how to go towards NC without being rude and a big a$$*?
davecity Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 if you keep talking to her and keep being her shoulder to cry on when she feels empty and sad then you will NEVER get back together for sure. Slowly and slowly she'll become less dependent on you and then eventually she'll find another boy and leave you heartbroken again. Just don't talk to her at all. You need to make her doubt her decision and right now you are at her beckoning call which basically tells her that she still has all control over you even though you aren't together. I would seriously advise not to talk to her for at least a week even if she contacts you. Then perhaps she if she is still calling you, then you can take it from there. Keep busy and stop being so needy. Right now you are being a big wuss in her eyes. You need to seem like you are totally fine with the situation. please heed my advice. i don't want to read another post with you saying that you talked to her again recently. Im just saying this for your own good, not to sound mean or anything. dave
Author johnnyapples Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 A big wuss?? That's like someting I heard from David D'Angelo ... interesting... I am going to try my best with the 1 week thing. Let's see how that goes. I'll keep you posted. I've been thinking about this in the last few days and I've been debating it for a while. I think I just feel it may not make a difference in her feeling for me. Has this worked for you in the past?
davecity Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 you ex basically told you that she thinks she made the right decision and she is not doubting it. So as you stand RIGHT NOW, you have no chance of getting back together with her. You need to tell her that you cannot continue to talk to her on a regular basis because clearly you cannot handle being in a friendship with someone that you were intimate with. She should understand this and she may something to the extent of, well I hope that we can be friends. Tell her that you need time to work on yourself and move on. Tell her that if something pertinent comes up or if she changes her mind about the future of your relationship to give you a call, otherwise it is just best if you guys stop talking altogether. If she is reasonable person she will end up giving you the space, probably giving you some sappy line that she still cares for you a lot blah blah. End the conversation on a good note saying something like "I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for and that in the future you are find someone that makes you truly happy". She'll respond saying the same thing. Then, for the next few WEEKS (not days) work on yourself genuinely. Work out, go out to bars with your friends, date (even if you aren't looking for anything serious) and have fun. Each day will become easier and you'll find that you don't think about her as much. In as little as one week and as long as several months your ex will eventually call. Whenever the case is, you need to come off as confident and a better person having gone through the breakup and have been busy dating, getting buff, blah blah. Perhaps then if she initiates future contact can your relationship perhaps reignite. In the off chance that she doesn't call you, then you will have already moved on. I know how you are feeling right now but the sooner you go and have fun, the sooner you'll meet someone better. And even if you don't meet THE ONE then you'll at least be having fun. good luck johnny. dave
Author johnnyapples Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 Yeah Dave... Thanks Dave. I've given that same advice and I have lived by it for a while. I just feel like a hypocrite if I start the NC without her knowing why. I told her that I would be available if she "really" needed me, and if I do the NC without warning, it might be hard. But 1 week isn't that bad. There was only one other time in my life that I went nuts over a girl -- and it wasn't because I was in love -- I was just insecure and immature at that point of my life. At this time, I have been around the block and am confident of who I am and what I want. She got to me in more ways than any of the ex-g/f ever have by at least 5-fold. I've had long term relationships with my ex's from 8 months to 2.5 years. After a short 2 months of dating and knowing her for like 1 month before that, she was better than most of them combined. really strange -- and it was by chance that I met her. So you see, its hard for me to lose this one than most others. But I know the world is big and there are many fishes in the sea -- so I am going to move on. However, since I am the consumate optimist and always like to be hopeful, I have to admit that I think about the what-ifs and I think about her quite a lot. I really appreciate and I really need those verbal "kick-in-the-a$$" from time to time. It helps me stay strong in these very deep emotional moments. Don't give up on me yet -- keep pushing me. Also, thanks to all the others who have given me advice -- keep them coming. I think it helps others to read it and it helps me not to waiver. I will try the 1 week first and see if I can push it to 2. (one step at a time)
clynn Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I guess you kinda pointed out the silver lining yourself, which I cling to myself. My most recent bf, who broke up with me, was more interesting, funny, and wonderful than anyone I've ever gone out with before. We had more in common and I really for the first time felt like I could go forward into something lasting with this person and believed that this is what he wanted too. Then, boom. So, the silver lining I'm pointing out is that you said this gf was 5-fold better than any of the other girls. I think the same about my bf. But what I'm hoping is that if I felt this about him then I will feel the next time or sometime in the future there is hope for another person to be 5-fold better than him. I can hope. And so can you! Hard to imagine it now, but think, if it is, wow, it'll be worth it! ...and frankly, part of the reason that this person is 5 fold better is because I'm smarter now about the people I am interested in, more tuned in to my own personal likes and dislikes. More ready to accept something real when it comes along. And yet I think okay fair enough I have personal work of my own to do. And I think soon I'll be ready for the diamond.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 You have to go NC. Don't explain it to her. Or be a wuss about it. Just be unavailable. If she rings and leaves messages, get back to her with a delay of a couple of days. She will get the message, trust me. Remember my experience and learn from it! Right now you're confirming her decision and letting her ease slowly back to normalcy. Love is an addiction and you want her to face the sudden pain of cold turkey, not have security of the supply she needs while you feel frustrated. Sorry man, you know I'm saying this for your good. And because I sooo should have gone NC straight away. Every day, I diminished in her eyes a little and she needed me a little less.
Author johnnyapples Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 I'm Starting to do the NC -- Complete NC. Before I was trying to be lowkey and have minimal contact. That dind't work at all. It started back and forth texting and her messages like "I was just trying to be nice... i know you're mad at me... etc.". I fell for the trap and I responded, "I'm not mad at you, I still care ... blah blah blah". And then the killer response, "Its okay, I know you were trying to be hurtful and funny at the same time, but it doens't hurt. Don't worry. i'm ok." Ouch. At the end, she apologized and said that she wanted to end the conversation on a good note and thank me for checking in on her when she wasn't feeling good... and a basic good night. I dind't respond. Here's to the first step of NC. Full speed ahead! Wish me luck.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Good luck to you Johnny! You're doing the right thing - quitting while you're ahead. Keep us posted as things develop
Author johnnyapples Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Spent some time with some friends and focused on work yesterday. Didn't have the urge to call or text her, but I did check my phone a few times to see if she had called/text me. Its Day 2 now ... I had some bad dreams all night long -- bad in the sense that I was thinking about her and how I could get back with her if I visisted her again. Just playing out scenarios in my head -- I checked my phone a few times. It was BAD. But I am back to work and focusing on what needs to be done for myself and planning out my week. Ready to get back to the gym after a 2 month break. Trying to be strong -- I know it will get easier. For any of those out there that need to be strong too during the first week of NC -- any suggestions?
VirginiaBob Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Oh gosh, that first week is tough. For me it's been almost around 7 weeks since I talked to her or emailed her. I guess my suggestion is "no pain, no gain". You just have to suffer through it for right now. Now, 7 weeks later, my ex still enters my mind every hour of every day, but only in the background of my thoughts. I sort of force myself to change subjects in my mind everytime I do think of her. Sort of like self-training my brain. And then their were the times she sent me emails that I did not respond to. That sort of rekindled the pain in my mind for a little bit, but it also helped my confidence a lot too because I knew she wanted me back. I never responded though, I let her suffer through realizing the mistakes she made instead. Her loss. One thing I will never tolerate is a quitter and this was probably the 5th time she quit on our relationship, so no, she doesn't get a 6th chance.
Author johnnyapples Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 For me it's been almost around 7 weeks since I talked to her or emailed her. I guess my suggestion is "no pain, no gain". Thanks for your words. I hate the first week so much. Talking about it and getting people like you and Romeo with your kind words, really helps me go through it. I know everyone falters from time to time, and this chat/post is a way of helping me catch myself before I fall apart. THANKS TO YOU ALL. The only thing with this girl -- she is a strong woman. I have a sense she will stick it out because she is a big believer of "if it should work out, it will work out". I don't know if she will act on her feelings, if she still has any for me. Other women in my past were just like your ex ... always quitting and coming back and I know exactly what you mean. It hurts -- but it did make me more confident and stronger each time. I went on a few dates, nothing serious. Played the field, had a few VERY good friends who didn't talk about the situation, but just took me out and had a good dinner, drove around and just b.s. about anything. It was a great way of getting my mind off of it. But there is always that one girl, sooner or later, that hits you harder than any other girl and I'm feeling it now. OUCH! Stay the course, my friend! If you are sure about not going back to her, then stay with what you're doing and keep me posted about your progress. Your commitment will definitely help mine!!
Author johnnyapples Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Hey Dave -- forgot to thank you too -- so... thanks for your "harsh words". I need a good kick in the a$$ the first week around. Any other suggestions to help my stay the course?
davecity Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 johnny, anytime buddy. I'll be periodically checking up on this post so keep strong and if you feel the urge to call her, write on the forum instead. I'm glad to hear that you are doing NC. This will only benefit you in the end. I went through the same thing as you. dave
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Our pleasure Johnny. ReluctantJuliette is a very strong and determined woman too. When she set her mind on having me, she really went for it. Now that she's moving on, she's going for it too. Although history shows that the prototype model (who was also very strong and determined) tried to come back twice - once at the 3 month mark and once at the 2 year mark, roughly. So who knows, eh? I did NC straight away with the prototype though - I can't curse myself enough for the damage I did to my dignity and my standing by hanging around for 2 weeks this time. But here are some more lessons from history: - each day of NC is a little easier. Especially if she's still ringing from time to time and you have the pleasure of determinedly resisting. - there will be more RomanticJuliettes! And more JaneApples Here's a fun thought - we could swap contact details for the girls. Sounds like we're similar types and the girls too. We "bump into" them, date them for a bit, treat them bad, they start to think "previous bf was soooo much better, why did I ever leave?" lol. Only hitch in this plan is that we live in different continents. But otherwise, a damn fine plan.
Author johnnyapples Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 I like your idea Romeo! I've always been a believer that we can solve anything if you put your mind to it. I lived in Brussels and London briefly ... maybe its time to take another visit there and work this plan out! I've been through a lot and I really nailed a good one here, so its hard to give up. But you are right ... many JaneApples out there to be found. And you are most definitely right about the confidence building each day I'm on the NC path. The truth is -- I deserve better and I know it. ANd I will continue to be positive and know that I was the best thing in her life and I am not going to demote myself in playing games. I can always elevate myself to making relationships work or making things work out better and I don't want to wait on the sidelines and play the "what if" games. I'm starting to take my own advice again too! I'm learning to love myself again and its a wonderful feeling!! I can see why this site is a great new addiction for me. Helping others cope with their situations helps me just as much.
Mary3 Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 It will be nice when you get to the point of not thinking about her for one minute...one hour...one day....It takes alot of practice and keeping VERY busy. My opinion of " getting back together " It seems we may want it the way it was and go back ( continually breaking up ) when in reality..it seems the relationship is * Fractured * to some degree....We wish and hope for, but never receive them back but maybe thats best because they have changed and going back is like operating on guilt ( for them ) and *need* for us. I just think its very hard when they change their feelings and we wish they would come back. Its just better after a long period of time to see that when its over , its really over. Some keep trying again and again. I did not do the * getting back together * and now I see why : Its like fine china with a crack. The next drop could break the dish into a million peices ( your heart ) so hold on to your heart, your dignity and your respect and dont try to * go back * to where it used to be...because it is gone...like dust in the wind. Sad but true for most..
Author johnnyapples Posted February 2, 2005 Author Posted February 2, 2005 Getting back together -- well, it works in some cases, and sometimes it doens't. It really depends on the relationship. I think if both parties are really honest with each other, there might be a chance. I have a pair of friends who have an amazing marriage and relationship. They are complete opposites. One is a high-strung, loud-mouth, fast-talking, full-of-attitude, short little Puerto Rican girl that can give you a run for your money if you try to argue with her in any capacity. Then her husband, the easy going, Tao-of-Pooh, 6', white-as-wonder-bread, straight-as-an-arrow/honest abe, type of guy. His attitude is ... if you get into a fight, everyone takes a break and then you move on. Her attitude is ... if there is an argument, have the speed-dial button for the divorce lawyer ready, start accounting for all the possessions and assets of each person and start packing the bags to move out. Somehow, after 4 years of ups and downs in dating, then 4 years of being happily married... they have a baby on the way. Through all of their trials and tribulations, they find a way to compliment each other despite their apparent physical and emotional differences. They now joke about each other's pet peeves and argue what to name their future son and so much more. But they cannot live without each other. Despite the arguments, when they are without each other, they both miss each other dearly. WHo knew? In my situation, this is definitely the girl I would've seen my future with -- kids and all, I do want to have another shot with her. In my heart of hearts, I truly want it. However, I know timing is a big factor, time apart with NC is important, and after a 2nd try ... if it doens't work, then we shouldn't beat a dead horse. But I think 2nd chances are important. We, as humans, carry enough emotional baggage and scars throughout our lives, we should always take a honest review of ourselves, of our significant others, and take it on a case-by-case basis. BUT WE HAVE to accept the fact that when it is time to let go, we must let go. ============= Update : end of 2nd day of NC. Only thought about her a few times today. Checked my phone a few times. A lot better than yesterday. I kept really busy, hung out with my married friends and just chatted about things. One of my best friends and I talked about business and our careers -- and I had great time. I'm in a good place mentally. Thank God for good friends.
VirginiaBob Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 You are gonna have your good days and your bad days. Some days, you won't be sad, other days you will. The sad days will space themselves out more and more as time goes on.
Author johnnyapples Posted February 2, 2005 Author Posted February 2, 2005 You're right, Bob. I am going to try and be strong. All morning long I thought about her, I thought about second chances and the What If's ... etc. I thought about our next encounter and imagined what I would say and how I would say it. yes, its bad ... but the good thing is, it didn't make me sad at all. It didn't bring me down to the point where I was immobilized and depressed. I was doing things, I was working out, etc. It was just a lingering thought. Its getting better ... Has any body had a 2nd encounter with the "dumper" after a few weeks of NC? And if so, how did it go? Details, please!
VirginiaBob Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 I'm thinking that if I am ever in the position where I am forced to respond to her, I'll just say, "The damage is done - you are now dead to me".
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