Move on? Is it fixable?

[SpaceCase]

I met a single mom of a 2 year old 3 years ago.

She was a dance teacher, and artist and the boy's father had been unreliable and in and out for weeks and months at a time.

She had gone from a studio apartment to a roommate situation that was bad, and found herself in a pickle. We started dating in May, just prior to the pickle, and by July she was living with me in an apartment.

Prior to this, I had been living in a cabin in the woods and really enjoyed my "me" time. I had been intentionally single for almost 2 years.

 

She was warm and intimate and we seemed to enjoy one another immensely. We never really got to "date", as the situation was dire, but we seemed to be chugging along. I fell in love with them both.

I moved us into a rental house, and then I bought a house with a big yard for the boy.

While I never encouraged him to call me dad, this is the role that I have stepped into willingly and I enjoy him and being a father very much. His biological dad is out of the picture, and she has asked me to adopt him. She receives no child support.

 

Fast forward: A year in, I felt like she was growing colder. The intimacy slowed down as did her income. The amount she makes is small, as in it wouldn't cover her coffee, car insurance and cell phone. I pay for everything, from mortgage to socks. I've felt panicked for awhile because I've always been able to save money and at this point I can't because I'm covering 100%. Her art time has increased to the time investment of a full time job and between the gas, parking, art supplies - it's actually costing us money. She aspires to be a working artist.

 

When I'm not at work, I'm at home watching the boy. This includes every weekend and every evening, plus wednesdays and fridays when I work from home.

 

We have very little "family" time, though she is a wonderful mother and dotes on the boy, spending a good amount of time with him during the days when I'm at work.

 

I have no time for me and no time with her. We have no family in the area and sitters are expensive, plus her performance art schedule is cluttered with going to shows, being in shows, rehearsing for shows, developing shows, etc so there really isn't much time.

 

My life seems to revolve around the schedule of supporting her "needed" time for her art and watching the boy. All of my time, energy and resources go into this relationship -- which would be fine, except there is no warm, loving energy coming from her. Only that I'm not supporting her needs for her art time when I ask for time. She isn't a morning person so while I wake up chipper, I often leave the house being hollered at or with her mad at me. By the time she is home in the evenings, I am exhausted, and she is tired too. She takes everything as a criticism and personal attack. "I didn't realize we were out of creamer, I'll pick some up tomorrow" becomes me criticizing her grocery shopping and pointing out her failures. She is curt with me and doesn't think twice before yelling, cussing me out and making me feel poorly, even in front of the boy. This bothers me a great deal.

 

While there is an occasional break in the pattern, in general we are intimate once every 5 or 6 weeks. When I ask for that time, I feel bad that I have to ask - it's akin to feeling guilty. When I don't ask for that time, it doesn't happen. She never initiates. When I've asked her about it it basically seems like she was highly sexual with past partners and this ended when she become a mom. It has become a sore subject which I try to start calmly and lovingly but ends in a self deprecating argument of what a "horrible person" she is and how she "isn't good enough", and so I avoid it now. As difficult as it is to forego, it isn't worth the argument.

 

The past 15 months she has claimed depression, and while I believe it, there doesn't seem to be an improvement in our relationship, only more time dedicated to art. She says she wants to have another child, and I very much would like to do that, but I don't want to be more intertwined with someone who is so cold, and honestly mean, to me.

 

I don't know what to do. I love her, but my "in love" has turned to apathy. I care so much for the boy. I care for her, but at this point I just find myself trying not to anger her, still supporting them 100% financially and time-wise and feeling like a chump.

I clean. I cook. I take out to dinner. I spend every evening and weekend on dad duty. I work - hard. I make a good living.

She doesn't like to clean or cook. As a matter of fact, if I don't clean, our house is a wreck. She spends most of her time focused on her art.

 

If I tell her that I'd like to end things, it will probably mean that I won't get to see the boy and I put her into a position where she has to try to find a solid source of income and a place to live. I, on the other hand, would come ahead almost a grand a month and have a clean and uncluttered house.

That makes me a jerk, right?

 

I just can't see myself going down this path and being happy how things are. She tells me that she loves me, but I don't "feel" it in her actions or attitude.

 

I wouldn't mind putting in as much as I've put in if there was warmth and intimacy and perhaps a little bit of gratitude and respect? Hell - if she could just go a day being NICE to me, it would be an improvement. There is no holding hands or cuddling on the couch. There's no kisses other than obligatory pecks here and there, and there sure as hell isn't desire. It feels like a strained roommate situation. I'm 37 years old. I don't think I deserve a gold medal, but I don't know how many guys would do as much. I work hard at work and hard at home, and through all of this still make a point to tell her that I love her and that she's amazing, a great mom and beautiful every day.

 

How can I fix this? Is this fixable? How do you have a conversation with someone who sees everything as a criticism and it ends with a fight?

And if not, how can I end this without totally destroying the boy? What is fair?

 

I really need some advice here. Thanks for listening.

[carhill]

Fixable? Sure, possible. Healthy? Long ways from it, right now, IMO.

 

I went back and took a look at this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/212404-broken-up-moved-out-so-sad

 

My advice would be to change your perspective on the resiliency and resourcefulness of women. There are no rewards for being the 'nice guy' in these situations. Sometimes, to fix things, you have to be the 'not nice guy'. Sometimes, people get hurt. That's OK. They'll survive, just like you did a few years ago when your GF broke up with you and kicked you out/you left. This lady will do similar. In fact, I'd put money on her having no difficulty moving on, if my life experience is any indicator. She'll be fine. Oh, you'll likely get the 'noise' but that's just manipulation. Don't worry about it.

 

If you wish to 'negotiate', have a simple list of what you need to continue. Tip: If a partner cares for you at all, they'll listen. Watch for that. Then watch what they do. It rarely lies.

[salparadise]

She is attached and dependent but I don't think you can call it love. She takes you for granted and you're "Walking On Eggshells" (google that) to avoid confrontation. I seriously doubt that she has the capacity to become the life partner you need (affection, warmth, intimacy, etc.), although she could probably fake it long enough to get past a crisis and return to status quo. Taking everything as criticism and responding by withdrawing or a having a blowup makes for a controlling, manipulative, miserable existence. Don't allow it to continue.

 

I realize that you'd like to save the situation, and I wouldn't blame you for wanting to try, but I don't think the odds of this turning into a happy, fulfilling relationship are good. I am all too familiar with the dynamic, which I won't go into, but suffice it to say there is more than intuition behind what I'm saying. You are basically being her daddy, and she's being a snotty, spoiled, dependent daughter who does whatever the hell she pleases while you work your butt off to keep her afloat. You're sacrificing your life one day at a time so that she can just do as she pleases, and you aren't even getting affection and intimacy out of the deal.

 

I think you need an exit strategy. The way things are now is intolerable, and if you shake things up the best you're likely to get is barely tolerable. If I were you, I'd not settle for barely tolerable.