Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I've been a career woman from the get go. I got married at 25. Had one child at 30. I have been bread winner since beginning. My career is very high profile and very public. The best of the best work a later schedule. 12:30pm to around 10:30pm almost every day. The schedule worked fine until our child got into elementary school. He's in second grade now I don't feel that I spend enough time with him. I get a dinner break and see him for 30 min. I also take him to school in the am. Husband stays home. Works part time (despite my lack of approval) but child is almost with dad. But I don't feel good about situation. I've asked DH to go get a better paying job so I can change jobs and be home at night. He won't do it. He keeps resisting. As a parent. What would u do ?
KathyM Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I would suggest you change your job so that you can be home at night with your child. You don't say how part time your husband works. If he's working 6 hours a day instead of 8 so that he could be home when your child gets home, then I don't see a problem with that. If it's less than that and he's just unmotivated or lazy, then it's a problem and you should suggest going to marriage counseling to work on your issues of discord on this. If he is unwilling to go to marriage counseling, then go yourself to counseling so that you can get some perspective on how to handle this.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 No he is working freelance. He works maybe 6 hrs a week. I'm trying to figure out how to figure this out. The problem is he is happy like this... And doesn't seem to care that I am not.
KathyM Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 What kind of job? Does he spend the remaining time trying to drum up additional free lance work? For self employed people, building a business takes time, and a lot of their work involves marketing and not just doing the actual work itself, but planning and marketing. What does he do the rest of the time other than the six hours, and how do you even know what he does and for how long, since he works from home and you are at work at the time? I just want to understand if he is doing work to promote/find more business, and you are only measuring a certain part of his work.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 I am basically the person recruiting biz. He doesn't do much of that. I would say the 6 hrs is pure on the job. He's a photographer. I help him get clients. Etc. I don't know of any solicitation he's done other than on Facebook. I got him an interview with the city. It was a good job. He said he didn't want it.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Does he do all laundry, housework, grocery getting, cooking, event planning, errands, kid's doctors and dental appointments,etc.? Does he also do yard work and car maintenance? Did you discuss this arrangement prior to having a child? Has he worked full time before? Is he active in your child's development? Thanks, Grumps
MidwestUSA Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 So you've changed your mind about divorcing him?
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 He runs our child to practices ... He will sometimes heat something in the microwave...on my 30 min dinner break. He rarely cleans or does laundry. I've had to hire a cleaning lady and lawn crew. He will do a load of laundry but it will sit for days. He doesn't work out with me. Has very few friends. Calls himself a loner.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 No. I'm just trying to get am objective opinion about whether his claims are true and fair. He believes I'm unreasonable for trying to request he change his own situation... And wants me to pay alimony if we divorce. So you've changed your mind about divorcing him?
Grumpybutfun Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 He runs our child to practices ... He will sometimes heat something in the microwave...on my 30 min dinner break. He rarely cleans or does laundry. I've had to hire a cleaning lady and lawn crew. He will do a load of laundry but it will sit for days. He doesn't work out with me. Has very few friends. Calls himself a loner. Then he is a freeloader. If he is going to work six hours a week at home, he needs to be pulling his half. I just talked to a coworker today and I gave him the same advice, his wife just nuked TV dinners and sometimes picked up the kids. She sat and watched daytime tv all day and maybe a load of laundry got done once a month. He had a cook and maid come in. She is a freeloader. We marry adults who are supposed to make a home with us, if they don't they aren't respecting you and are taking you for granted. Does he have a drinking problem or depression? G 1
KathyM Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I'm wondering what he does with all his other time. Some people get addicted to social media or video games or the internet. For people who are self employed, those kinds of addictions can be a real time waster and eat into the time they should be doing work. He should be using that time to promote or look for more business.
CarrieT Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 No. I'm just trying to get am objective opinion about whether his claims are true and fair. I would hazard a guess that his side of the story is probably different. We are only hearing your side of it - which may very well be true - but there is always "Her Side" of the story, "His Side" of the story and, somewhere in the middle, the "Truth." But, what the others said - why don't you get another job which hours that are more amenable to your child's schedule? If you get divorced, you will probably have to do that or hire a nanny anyway (assuming 50/50 custody).
Silly_Girl Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I don't think this thread is about how much you see your son. It's about your husband. If you believed a proactive, hands-on parent was at home when you couldn't be, and the home/chores/admin was dealt with as you would want (due to the perceived disparity in working hours) I don't think you'd be posting.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Well it kind of is just about that because I have bad a number of people tell me as a mother they would not work my hours. It started to make me think I was being too career oriented. His dad is a good dad. But I'm not present very much except the weekends. I was wondering if most would give up their career and high profile job to be home in the evenings? As for what he does during the day .., I agree that he would have a diff story. I can only tell you what I know. But I see him on FB all day. It gets frustrating.
AntiSocal Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 You have a career? That means your pay is salary based? So is there any reason you can't just switch your hours around a little bit so that you have some freetime with your son after school? Start working at 8 instead of 12. Pick your son up, take him home, spend time with him till dinner time, eat dinner and then continue to work. IMO you're a little too career oriented. Those are crazy hours for anyone to be working. Everyday? No weekends off? You must be rich. Invest some of that money so you won't have to work anymore. Yes i do think your husband is being unreasonable expecting you to work like that to support him.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 No I have weekends off. And to explain my hours. I'm in the media. So I work for evening newscasts. It would be a significant pay reduction and career hit if I asked to work mornings etc. and I know that my current employer wouldn't allow it. I would have to go elsewhere. And my son is in school from 7:30 to 3:45 everyday. So it is very difficult to see him. Except weekends.
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Mommame2 It's wonderful that you want to spend more time with your child but the fact that you are fulfilling responsibilities to your family is also a good thing. If the time you do spend is quality, your kid will be just fine. My parents worked shift work so 1 week per month I didn't see them awake. they'd be asleep when I got up & I'd be asleep when they got home. I never felt unloved. Your problem is much deeper. Your husband spent your insurance money that was reimbursement for your stolen jewelry on his business. Your husband's business is a joke & he's not giving you the books or paying his quarterly taxes. You really have no idea what is going on there because he's hiding the fact that he likes his lazy lifestyle where you run yourself ragged & stressed supporting him. The fact that he provides childcare is a plus but that plus doesn't outweigh all of the negatives. Other than walking out I don't know how you fix this. If you do leave you will have more expenses & more guilt over your child. I would talk to a good divorce lawyer because I doubt you'd have to pay as much alimony as he thinks. It doesn't usually matter what he actually earns but what he has the potential to earn. Even if you have to pay at most it should be rehabilitative alimony not permanent. I'm sorry you are so stuck but you will stay miserable until your lazy immature H gets off his butt which probably won't happen. As much I as loathe bringing third parties into your marriage, have you discussed this with your in-laws? Do they have any ideas to motivate him or can they help you into shaming him to being more responsible? If they are the types to always take his side & paint you as the bad one, don't bother.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Thank you! Yes you are right. I actually asked about the insurance money yesterday. I asked him if he had been paid enough yet to put my insurance money back in a separate count. He hadn't returned the money as he said. He says he still can't until "a few more checks coming in". I can't talk to his parents. They are ironically in same position. His dad never worked. very hard either. And it remains that way. I think they would think I was just trying to stir up trouble. They are in denial about their own lives... Even. It is tough. If I leave... I still won't get to see much of my son.... Unless my hours change.
Recommended Posts