Spira Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 He knew it was coming. He knew I was going to leave him, and before I even told him he said, "I know what's going on." He admitted that he had been reading my journal. Not just recently, but throughout the relationship. We didn't drag up too many past issues. We both knew that the true reason why we were breaking up was because the problems in his life had deleted him, and were chipping away at me. It just wasn't the right time for us, maybe? He said, "You have to do what's best for you," and said something about "If you love her, let her go." We agreed that if things worked out in the future we would give it another shot. And that we didn't have to go away completely. We'd still talk and he said if I wanted I could come over every now and then and he'd cook dinner for me. I can't stand it. We both still really love each other. If he had done something horrible to me, this would have been easy. Staying kills me slowly everyday while leaving is a quicker death. I want to tell him, "Why do you have to make me choose between the two? Why couldn't you have just been everything I needed, like you promised, like we both wanted?" Oh god, you guys. These are just words on a page to you. It's hell to me. I've never felt like this. I have to go to work later and I don't think I'll make it through the day without crying. 2.5 years, gone. I'm emptying the apartment of all of my things. But we still love each other. This is just not fair.
CurlyIam Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Spira, sometimes, love just ain't enough. I'm so sorry to hear you're in so much pain. Moving out must be really painful. Really really painful. Especially if part of you wants to stay. I think you should cry if you feel like it. Not at work, of course . You haven't lost those 2.5 years. Thanks to them you are much richer right now. Much wiser. More demanding. Maybe a bit more prepared to recongize love if you ever happen to stamble across it one day. Be brave, I'm afraid the worse is yet to come. And although I may not feel your pain, I have been there too. Concentrate on your work and keep us posted. Big hug, Curly
Carla223 Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Spira, I feel your pain, I myself and going throught the same thing, my Long-Term boyfriend was not there for me emotionally, I gave it my all!!! but it can't be one sided, I know he will realize once you are gone..But you have to be strong and stick to your guns!!! If you end up going back, the problems will still be there!! You have to give it time!! Time will tell....But let me tell you, that you are not alone, and you have support of so many others that are going through a break-up as well....I was in a 9 year relationship and bf didn't do anything WRONG to me, he just wasn't a committal guy and took me for granted. It has been about 2 months since we are apart, and don't get me wrong it is HARD...All the memories...You will have some good days and bad days, just try to keep busy and not think...Thinking is the worst, especially in the morning, when you wake up with that empty feeling inside........... You deserve someone special, and you WILL meet that one too...Have faith.. Good luck!!!
Author Spira Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 Carla, you're right - I haven't even left yet, and every morning is the worst, thinking about things, crying. I don't know if I can be strong at all...
Author Spira Posted January 30, 2005 Author Posted January 30, 2005 Last night I told him, "I don't want to go." He said, "But I haven't changed. And you need to take some time to sort things out. Maybe you'll really like it out there without me, and then again, maybe you'll find out that you're unhappy without me and want to come back." I know he's right. But I still feel like I'm bailing out on the relationship just because things got tough. You guys are right, and I know what I have to do, but ... the worst is that it's bad now, and I haven't even left. When I'm saying goodbye, when I'm finally gone... what will I do, then?
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Well Spira, I won't pull any punches: in some ways, you *are* bailing out just as things get tough. But it takes 2 to tango... has he considered therapy? Or couples counselling? Or some other way of reducing or managing the impact of his problems on you and the relationship? My bro and his wife had a really good experience with couples counselling - it saved their marriage. They went from no hope to a really strong relationship over a period of about 6 months. The time apart to sort your heads out is a good idea though. And resist the temptation to just go back without any resolution of his problems.
clynn Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I sure hope that it works out for you. Sometimes relationships grow from having had time apart. He knows he can't give you what you need right now and you obviously can't help him, at least not by being there. What you are doing is very healthy I think. Certainly stay friends with him. The love and commitment you share is not easy to come by and difficulties in relationships are a natural part of those relationships. All the best.
sportynut38 Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 The very worst and yet the best thing I heard during my grief over a break up is "if it is meant to be, it will be". I hate that term more than anything, and I am not a patient person at all. I want it all back, the way it was. But it can't be, not right now. Because he shut himself down and blocked out everyone and everything and even knowing someone cares about him doesn't help. So you have to take care of yourself. And sometimes, even the things that feel like they are going to kill you (saying goodbye, walking away) ... they make you stronger. You will still carry the love you feel in your heart. And believe me, even if you don't think he knows ... he knows you care about him. I won't pretend to know the best thing for you to do. Hell I don't even know the best thing for me to do. But live each day, cherish your memories, and know that you are a wonderful person because you can and do love. Only time will tell what is to happen, and I am hoping that everything works out for you both. Just know you are not alone, and all those feelings you are going through, someone is there to listen ... and to understand.
imokurnot Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 If you love each other and both are willing to growing personally and withing the reationship as a couple, then you seek counseling. Now this is dependant on the place in your lives bot of you may be as far as age, future goals and outlook as well as the lkength of the relationship. I mean if your 20 and been goping out for 3 onths then obviously you need to move on and see what's out there and maybe you will find out your both perfect for one another. I don't know the legnth or dpth or your relationship or youre ages so I am really being evasive here I know. Yoiu said update on your break up so I need to go look for the paticulars I guess. Suffice to say communication, a mediator or counselor can help if you are both commited to the relationship and the problems aren't abusive beyond what you had stated, he had no idea. I mean if it's physical bye bye. But if he phrases things in a way that hurts your feelings and doesn't know it maybe he needs a third party (counselor) to make him aware of it and how it makes you feel. If he loves you he will change the behavior. Maybe there is some thing in you as well that takes the comments or whatever too personally and that stems from something in your past that needs to be worked through? Who knows, I sure do not and I guess what it boils down to is if you feel you have to do this then there is nothing left to do but to do it. Because as hard as it is now, if you stay your reasons for leaving are stil there without a commitment to work through them with counseling or something else. Someone above said you will slide right back into the same routine that your unhappy with. That is true if you just slide back in to it sure. It doesn't have to be that way if you are both committed to change and working on things. Nothing has to be the way we imagine it because we all have the power to change the dynamics if we are "BOTH" committed and willing to work. Now that I think about your post I think you refered to your dorms. So never mind my soap box about working very hard and counseling. You are both young I assume and the break could very well be necessary at this point in your lives. If not now, you or he will most likely wonder about things later anyway. This way maybe you find out that there isn't anything out there better and you truly love each other and want to be together forever. It is inevitable at this point that your leaving. Nothing left to do but to do it. Good luck.............. Spoty...I hate that saying ore than any in my life as well. People use it as a consoling, understanding phrase. In actuality it isn't consoling or understanding or comforting in the slightest unless you are living in some ignorant bliss. This quote sums it up to me......."The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination." People need to take responsibility for things and mentally allow things to be the way they say they want them to be. People that leave a relationship (my ex) and say that brutal phrase about if it is meant to "BE".....etc. Are too lazy or too weak to work to make it "BE". It seems what they are saying, in my case anyway, is I want to see if I can do better and your not worth my time to work on us. Maybe if I don't hit the jackpot I may come back and give us another chance. Maybe then I will be more willing to communicate and go to counseling if necessary etc. Unless they are extreme exapmples of abuse etc, we are all going to have to work on our relationships at some point. None are perfect and in my case 7 years down the drain because we got complacent isn't really a reason to leave someone.AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggg! I could go on all day but all I wanted to say was that phrase sucks. It should be stricken from all languages and banished from the earth and replaced with something harsh and brutal enough to do the feelings it invokes justice. LOL
Author Spira Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 inokurnot, we are not living in dorms, but we have an apartment together. I am still young - 21 years old, but he is 31. We have been together for 2.5 years. I am not in an abusive relationship. I consider this a serious relationship and I am willing to put in the time and effort to fix things, and I am willing to go to counseling if necessary. He is neither willing or in the position to try and fix things.
Author Spira Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 I'm sorry, guys. I really just don't know if I can do this. I love him too much. Half of the people around me are saying, "Leave and take care of yourself, let him pull himself together, then try again." The other half are saying, "If you really love him, you'll stick by him through this." I don't want to leave, but I do want to spend some time on my own and let him be alone for a little while so that we both can think about things. And I also want to spend time talking to him about what we can do to fix things, and tell him all those things that I've been thinking about that might make him snap out of it. I don't feel like this is over. I'm only afraid of coming back home to the same thing.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I feel for you Spira. Tough dilemma. Whichever option you choose, we'll be rooting for ya.
CurlyIam Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Hi, Spira Ok, reality check: 1. You are not his mother or his keeper to "bail out" on him. If he realises he needs help, he shall come to you if he wants your help. 2. You are afraid of change. YOu have grown out of the relationship. Right now, the devil you know is less scarier than the devil you don't know. 3. You are miserable. Face it. And do domething about it. 4. The longer you stay, the more you're in pain and the less you'll be inclined to stay. Is he clingign on you? Is he telling you he'll change? Promising you he'll try? Promising you he'll give you what you want and what you need? 5. If somewhere in the back of your mind there's a little conscience realising you need to move out, pack a bag of clothes and do it. f you don't do it now, you never will. You'll waiste more time, be more miserable and need again more time to heal. and this time it will be your fault for not having the courage to do what's right: "do whatever is best for you". Because he sure is doing this. Sorry, Spira, look at the facts. they're like a puzzle and finally, they all come into place in one big scenario. Stop explaining and making excuses. It's for your own good. I know if I were you, I'd need some one to tell this to me. I'm not doing it to hurt you. I have waisted one year of my life torn between staying and leaving, ruined the relationship with my friends and family and practically ruined the next relationship after that guy. Learn from my mistakes, if you can, if you're strong enough. Love, Curly
imokurnot Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Your mind is made up already. Once you have these thoughts something has to be done. You either have to get counseling together or your going to leave. If not now then after months or whatever, of misery. It will take it's toll and you will leave. If you get help together you can stay and hopefully it works out. If you leave hopefully he sees that you two need help and he will ask you to do that with him for the relationship. If you stay you may end up resenting him for not seeking help. Then you may end up leaving at some point and it very well could be over forever. You are going to do what your emotions are controlling you and making you do right now. Your mind knows the answer, the rest of you is afraid.
Recommended Posts